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  • Wow, that was a powerfully, sad tale. I did not expect that ending. I love how well written your story is! Though it is sad, it was engaging to read. It is a great story!

  • Absolutely loved this story! It was not what I expected when I read the title. Great job! It was funny too.

  • I loved the story! The dialogue was good. For a rush job it was a good job. I like the unexpected ending.

  • Arguments by India Rattler#Olivia woke up later than she meant to, not surprising, working night-shift tends to mess up ones sleeping schedule. She dared to look at the clock down by her TV and groaned. It was […]

    • Dear India. The situation you describe is very relatable and quite common. Many children grapple with parental criticism for a good part of their lives resulting in a lot of unspoken resentment and wavering confidence. If and when the confrontation occurs, it’s usually quite devastating. I think you have captured the MC’s tensions well and I could empathise with her easily. Thank you for sharing.
      On another note, I think your text needed some editing for some avoidable errors in syntax and general expression.For e.g.Redundancy in “Mom’s own doubts” and “You didn’t even wear makeup, why!? Perhaps the ‘why’ could have stood alone with a question mark and the exclamation mark could have ended the 1st sentence.

    • Hi India,

      I enjoyed the story and the conflicts that you managed to portray.

      There were a few times that I had t re-read sentences as the meaning was not immediately clear and I found your mixed use of mom and Anna a little confusing.

      It’s nothing that another minor re-work won’t fix but it did break the flow for me.

      For example, in the first paragraph…
      she had to be ready to go by eleven-thirty for that was the time that Olivia’s mother would pick her up.

      This was confusing because you were already talking about Olivia in the first person and you switched to third person in the same sentence.

      Can I suggest something more like this…

      “she had to be ready to go by the time her mother was due to pick her up at eleven-thirty.”

      Thanks for sharing.

  • Wow, that was different than what I was expecting when I started it. Very good, love the dialogue! That Eric is twisted. Enjoyed reading it!

  • I enjoyed the story! Love how the dialogue told most the story. It was funny as well. I like how it didn’t end with them all being friends and such. Good story!

  • Assassin Troubles by India Rattler

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    Gun fire rang through out the abandoned warehouse as Alex and his sister hid behind cover. The siblings were in a pickle, their intel had been wrong, and they were […]

    • This is a good one. My heart goes to the sorry state of Alex. The information in first paragraph can be conveyed through a dialogue, as another approach. I would also check the line “They had been more or less force into it.”. I enjoyed reading this story. All the best.

    • I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. There are hints at further problems for these two assassins: the lost shoe, overstaying in one place, is Sadie really an innocent? I love the way you have weaved it all together. Thank you for sharing.

  • That was action packed story for sure! I highly enjoyed it! The part with the nanny and the broom was funny. Good story!

  • This was a very intriguing story! I liked the differences in perspectives, how one person’s see things compared to what is the truth. The story shows the issues people deal with very well. Well written!

  • I love the story! I like how you built up the whole thing. I spent the story in suspense, wondering what exactly they were talking about. Nicely done!

  • Fiction over Fact by India Rattler

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    There are odd people through out this world, especially in this time, Sadie knew this to be true. Still, she doubted that there were any weirder than her roommates. She had […]

    • Hi,
      Since you already mentioned it was a rushed work, I’m sure you’ll work the typos and edits when you get time.
      The premise is interesting in the way it moves from yes to no to yes to no about the siblings. If you choose to continue this one, I’d love to read further.

  • Very interesting, I like the style of the story! And I agree that it was cool of how you didn’t mention the red lipstick directly.

  • That was wonderful, liked the ending!

  • Red Mirror by India Rattler

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    Walking through an old abandoned house was not what he thought he would be doing tonight. This house had been in his neighborhood for years, no one ever bought it, not while he had […]

    • Oh oh, do tell more! So well done, you ramped up the suspense, with so few words you have painted your MC so that we, as readers, are with him in the dreaded bathroom.

    • Well done! What a lovely way to end it with a mystery! I would have liked to see more of how he approached the house than about what he thought, to really bring the character to life, but in 300 words, you rocked it! Well done.

    • Hi India this is very tense – maybe the title could just be The Mirror? The first paragraph could be a whole lot tighter with much of the repetition removed which would have given you more words to use for more sensory description like how he accessed the house? How did it smell? Creaking floor boards etc to build the suspense. I especially liked the sentence ‘All leading to this night, when sleep failed to find him, and he could no longer resist the pull of his curiosity’ This was a good take on the prompt and a good story well told.

    • Hi India. I enjoyed the build-up to the climax. Wish I could have read more.

    • ooh, very creepy. I like the idea of lipstick on a haunted house mirror for this prompt. I agree with other feedback about word repetition. I’d like to feel more like his exploration of the house wasn’t a whim, maybe he liked to read about haunted houses on the internet and saw the one on his street featured, or he started to feel it calling to him somehow. I know the word count was strict, which makes it hard to really spin out the motives. But I’d like to see that. It’s ok if you leave us on a cliffhanger if the buildup is good and we are kept on our toes on the way there. Thanks for this 🙂

    • Very creepy and very real I could feel his horror, shock at touching the lipstick.

    • Hi India, this is a cool take on the prompt. I like the way you build up the tension and end with a cliffhanger so to speak. I agree with the other commentators about sensory descriptions and tightening the first couple of paragraphs. The sentence ‘This house had been in his neighborhood for years’ struck me as very odd – as if houses could come to neighbourhoods and go, like people. Maybe it would be better to say the house had been empty for years instead. Still I think that this story is worth further expansion – I for one am very curious about that lipstick on the mirror 😉

  • Hi Riana,
    Thank you for the nice comments and the feedback! Grammar is not my strong suit, lol. I always have trouble not starting with the same word often. I try to mix up with way it begins sometimes but others I just forget. I shall try to improve on those, thanks for the help!

    -India

  • That was a lovely story! I like how well you described her feelings! It was a good read.

  • That was a very interesting and realistic read. I enjoyed it! The dialogue was very good. It is crazy how real that could be.

  • I loved the story! I didn’t expect it to go the way it did. I like how very descriptive you were with it. It was a fun read.

  •         Today was one of the most important days of her life. One of the big celebratory moments in life. Today she was getting married!  At the feel of sticky lipstick on her fingertips she stopped messing with […]

    • i liked the twist, i thought it was going to be a regular romantic quick story, but then it altered into a bit super natural. i enjoyed the read.
      -db

    • Hi India, I really enjoyed your story and the intrigue you created with the nervous women getting ready for here wedding! You cunningly set the stage for so many possibilities and made me really want to read more. Hope there will be a sequel! 😉

      I liked your vocabulary and your sense of humour with wordplays such as “coming back to bite her.”

      Here and there is a small grammatical error. Running stories through grammar checkers such as Grammarly (and even some work processors have them) can be quite effective, so perhaps consider running it through something like that just to catch the small mistakes that could slip through?

      I would suggest to try and avoid starting to many sentences that follow each other with the same word (for example, in the second last paragraph you started 3 consecutive sentences with “she”), but not everybody is bothered by that, so I guess that is personal preference. And sometimes, of course, the repetition is intended to reinforce a certain word.

      This was a fun read! Well done! 😉

    • Hi Riana,
      Thank you for the nice comments and the feedback! Grammar is not my strong suit, lol. I always have trouble not starting with the same word often. I try to mix up with way it begins sometimes but others I just forget. I shall try to improve on those, thanks for the help!

      -India

India Rattler

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