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  • Scene 21: Safehouse

    Maria groaned. Her bulbous tongue lay hanging against her teeth, the last molecule of spittle long soaked into the pillow; three hours in the dentists chair and then dry crackers. Her forehead […]

  • great drama. and well written. the only thing is this is part of her backstoty snap shots from last week to give us some insight into her motives and character then maybe it is too detailed. Maybe she should remember the feelings – shame anger resilience – when we need to understand why, later in your story. None the less, the dialogue and…[Read more]

  • I think this is a nice flick througth Franceecas photo album – just picking up the low lights.
    I like the out of body – Francesca heard someone screaming.
    Great ending too what could go wrong – i assume lots.

  • agree with Per. It is almost a backstory of how Miren gets to Aethia. Is Hofamns daughter Ali? In spite of not understadning everything it is still such a pleasure to read, the dialogue and exposition is exceptional. I feel as though Iam in the kitchen with them. It is also clever the way she recalls the lectures as a way to remind (tell) the…[Read more]

  • Hi Julie. the downside of reading one scene a week (and three other stories in between) is that you forget details like the names of relations. It is another wellrounded and complete scene, and bringing up Sofias mother adds another layer. The only question I have is I thought Aunt Violet was her fathers sister not aunt.

  • i love the line from the younger sister: ‘So, you saved him, fucked him and now you’re both screwed up?’ Its as though Izzy and Rocco are your portals into the main characters minds. it works really well.
    Question – would a 20 something know what an envelope is? I am sure you have a reason for using the post though

  • Scene 20 Yellow T Shirt, Red Shorts

    The three men worked frantically to make the hole larger, oblivious to splintering oak. Joshua glanced at Rudolph who sweated; A man who had the look of no longer just […]

    • Short but potent. You really capture the panic and the fear. Superb. I was surprised that it was Maria and I wondered if she could be alive. It’s definitely part of the last scene. I thought she had drowned but I assume there must be air in the box and it’s the cold that she is suffering from. The policeman’s right … these two need to do a lot of explaining !

    • Superb scene, gripping and full of tension, fear and action. I especially love the way you have Joshua jumping in the water without thinking it through properly – his ‘Jesus complex’. And so making things even worse.

      One thought – it seems maybe a little too convenient that the police and paramedics arrive just at the very moment that Joshua and Maria are fished out of the water. If you had them arriving a bit later, the wait for help could add even more tension, and it might give Rudolph a bit of a chance to redeem himself by attempting first aid or similar. Or alternatively, panicking even more!

      Brilliant cliffhanger with the bones appearing at the end. Can’t wait for your next scene!

    • Hi Tim,
      great scene. No further comments than the two previous below. Liked your “research notes”.

      Looking forward to next scene.

      /Per

  • Hi Graham
    agree with the rest. it is a great game of chess you are playing; the pieces gradually moving across the board, closer to the king.I wondor if Rocco’s app or Battersea station are somehow going to be part of the story. I like that you have me guessing.

  • Hi Kali
    you have such an imagination – this world must be so obvious to you as the uniqueness comes across clearly without being cliched. The tension of the satchel search before the authorites got there was palpable. I have no idea what’s going on but I enjoyed it.

  • brilliant. you have to love Sofia. i must say i am not sure of her age yet – i am guessing under 12 based on her spelling.
    Not sure about Tomas yet. He seems taken with Sofia which explains his reactions but he seems a bit awkard – but maybe thats what you want us to see.
    the dialogue and exposition at the breakfast table is spot on. he…[Read more]

  • Scene 19 Sardines

    “That was strange,” Rudolph said as he clearly struggled to slip his phone into his corduroy jacket pocket and fumbled with his passport at the same time for the concierge.

    “Who was that? […]

    • Great scene and full of tension. The dialogue between the two was super and really conveyed the differences in their characters. The descriptions were great too and I could picture it all.. Loved the last line.
      Only hesitation I had was the speed they set off after finding she was threatened. I felt there would be a few questions about who threatened her and what type of threat. super stuff.

    • Love the fast pace and suspense. You do a great job of depicting the differences in character between the two men. Superb how Rudolph’s rather feeble personality is reflected physically when he slips on the floor ‘like a Bambi on ice’! Nice contrast too with Joshua, who seems a little prissy at the start with his reaction to flying, but who rises impressively to the occasion when the pressure is on.
      A small point – I was a little confused at the end with the description of them pulling up the wooden floor and finding a crate but no mention of water or a flooded basement beneath the floor. I guess the water is invisible in the darkness but perhaps you could include reflections or smell of damp or similar to evoke it.
      Brilliant cliffhanger ending – is Maria alive or dead?!

    • Great work, Tim! As always, you leave us with a zinger of a last line that just begs us to come back for more. I like the fast pace of the scene and the contrasting personalities of Joshua and Rudolph. This may be me not remembering, but have Maria and Joshua met before? He seems familiar with her beyond just being an acquaintance and I think it is interesting that Joshua is more fussed with rescuing Maria that her half-brother is.

    • Hi Tim,
      a solid and great action scene. Loved it! Also interesting how Rudolh is more aware of Eva’s antics than he has indicated before… makes for interesting future options! (sorry for late feedback, by the way)

      Picked up a couple of small things as I was reading:

      • She mustn’t have been diving here => guess it should be ‘must’ instead of a ‘mustn’t
      • “Look, we can’t nothing. => missing a ‘do’ I suppose?

       

      • Yes. “It’s the crate. It’s why she was here.” => Ok, that went a bit too fast. How did they know it was only 1 crate? How did they know the art was crated at all?
      • I also reacted on how fast they took off from the hotel without asking about the threat, etc.

      And an excellent cliff hanger at the end… was it the same old hand Maria had seen/felt or is it Maria’s?

      //Per

  • Hi Nancy. Are you a week behind in your posts?
    There is a lot going on in this scene – but well paced.
    I thought that Nathan was more connected but maybe i misread an earlier scene.
    I do really like the conflict in Sam’s and Luke’s relationship, it adds to the tension nicely. It also sets up the fact that you can have two seperate inv…[Read more]

  • Another tight scene. You are really building the tension well. the wedding the other girl, and not to mention a terrorist attack. One point- we are inside Jen’s head in the kitchen – perhaps it should be: she looked more relaxed and showed no sign she knew what had happened in the bedroom. I see now how keira might end up at the weeding too.

  • Hi Julie. The word bewitched sums up Sofia brilliantly. We just know that she is only ever going to solve this mystery. I agree with Per that Tomas’ appearance needs work. If i am correct Sofia has only been away a few days – maybe the imposing building could be a school house.
    I really like her lists – she wants answers and she will take a…[Read more]

  • This story is a real epic, it has such depth – the battle for an entire civilisation. And this scene is a great turning point; the discovery of a ravaged city and a survivor who reveals her attackers and now Miren knows which direction to go in. I think you don’t need dig into her fears about her power here, I am sure there is plenty of o…[Read more]

  • Scene 18 Field Trip

    Eva Lansky had never been accused of being timid or too shy to ask for things she wanted. Growing up in farmlands south of Gdansk in Poland with three older sisters and only ever enough for […]

    • Hi Tim. Eva and Felix are in cahoots! It makes sense that two such unpleasant characters have teamed up. I can’t wait to see what Eva is really up to is – clearly the recovery of stolen art etc is just a laudable cover.

      In the phone conversation I was a little confused by who was speaking at the start – I figured out that Rudolph speaks first but it seems a bit odd that he would address her a ‘darling’ – in previous scenes he seemed rather in her shadow. And I wonder why Eva phones him in the first place – she says ‘I need you to take care of something’ but then she never says what, she only reacts to what he tells her.

      Great comedy in this scent, and fun surprise that Benni is her lover!

    • Hi Tim,
      I must laugh… Bennie cannot be that good a lover if Eva can hold not only one but two phone conversations… poor guy… good looking and useless HA HA HA

      I like the twist and turns in this scene and it is good to finally get confirmation that Eva is not such a clean idealist that she wants everyone to think.

      The dialogues work well but I agree with Julie’s comments about the start of the call with Rudolph.

      I guess that once Eva is done with Bennie, she will fly to Casablanca double quick as if I were in her shoes, I would get the feeling things were slipping out of my control.

      Enjoyed the scene and the humor in it… looking forward to next week!

      //Per

    • Hi Tim very descriptive as always. If all these characters got together they would be a real mean bunch. who is the worse? I don’t know. Is there any goodness in any of them? some of the speech needs editing… I am would be I’m. there is a few of this type needing shortening. All very well written and the story keeps its thread.

    • Hi Tim,

      Nice work! I love the twist at the end that Benni is her lover and her banter with him is spot on. Eva and Felix both are despicable and I look forward to seeing how the tangled web they are weaving ends up trapping them in the end (at least that’s what I am rooting for!).

    • But, Maria! I’m going to have to wait for the next scene, obviously. This is a fun distraction from her quandary. Good, ole Benni. They deserve each other. Interesting that Eva doesn’t seem to know what is happening Morocco… look forward to more.

  • I whizzed through this scene – great mix of dialogue and inner thought and descriptions – the anger of the brooding father comes across so well and the lack of explanation from him deepens the mystery and yet she stil finds the strength to hatch a plan – which i guess means more runnng away.
    I can t wait to find out why he thinks Aunt Violet has…[Read more]

  • yes, the backstory is a bit lost on me too but that doesnt take away how tight your dialogue is. the three charachters come through with every sentence – great job. Its the little deatils as well that really make it a good read – eg Ali comes back with damp hair and red hands, or that Mirren lest the berry juice longer in her mouth while she…[Read more]

  • Hi Graham
    the scene (and passion) built really well to the end. I hope he doesn’t use the wrong name (with a K or a C). I liked the self doubt and shame he struggled with and then (typical) – one red thong and its all forgotten. Lotte still seems too good to be true – charity shops and soup kitchens – I hope there is a flaw somewhere.

  • thanks all – some notes to get the diving more believable (note to self – research required).
    i had this scene in my head since starting and it ended up being a real info dump.

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Tim Cooper

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@timcooper

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