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  • And so the story is complete although so much more could still happen. I am glad this ended with a happy start to their new life. well done on gripping the reader until the very end emphasising the tastes, feels, sounds and what she felt.

  • Well done to her and I love what karma had set out for him. if only the car door had hit him too.

  • I love the phrase squirm and wiggle. it is so fitting.
    Also the ‘I hoped …’ at the end knowing the rest of the tale is so powerful.

  • Hi Jane
    I like how you combined some telling by using the dialogue and then showed how close they are to each other and how much has changed.

  • Hi Jane
    So much has happened in the last few stories and each story is more gripping than the last. I can’t stop reading. Ethan is the villain hidden behind a smooth charismatic smile.

  • I stared at my blank screen. My fingers brushed against the keys. Click click. I looked up at the screen again and tapped the backspace. White space. Well it was all white space now.

    I blinked longer than normal. […]

  • The bombs hummed as they dropped through the air. The explosions shook the earth spraying rubble and debris in every direction. A child screamed as he covered his ears dripping with blood. His mom lay dead beside […]

    • Hi Wesley, wow that was powerful. You captured the fear, smoke, sounds, blood and all the things associated with war. I actually thought she was going to be OK in the end. That was a shock.

      One small edit: Light beamed though her originally lounge wall. – Light beamed through what used to be her lounge wall.

      Well done, a good take on the prompt.

    • I think you definitely showed how war is bad. You zoomed in on a couple different innocents in the village, first the child and then the woman. You also offered vivid descriptions of their suffering.

  • Ding dong. 

    It had arrived! I rushed to the door. “Thank you so much.”

    He passed me my package, unable to see the massive grin under my face mask. I closed the door and skipped to the kitchen. The draw slam […]

    • 🙂 I felt his excitement and I even googled the Lego item out of curiosity what it looked like.

      My suggestion would be the ‘giggle again’, it removed me a bit from the MC’s building because I didn’t expect a giggle by opening a book. Maybe add a clue why? (Could be me of course, I have never build Lego!)

      The unboxing and building in a story and I felt the excitement at the: So many packages, so many pieces, and the huge instruction book. <3.

    • Hi Wesley, I imagine you must be a Lego enthusiast. You described the glee, and excitement so well:) I do have a few friends who are addicted to it:) I think you captured the feelings of the MC really well.

      This sentence requires a small edit:
       I still back and marvelled at my creation.  – sit back

    • This is delightful. I can see my grandson behaving just like this one day, still excited by the Lego pieces and what he used to call the ‘extructions’. Your piece captures the excitement really well, right from the opening of the delivered box.

  • He waved his plastic spoon around, dipped it in the bowl and flicked more cauliflower across the kitchen.

    “Eat it,” she tried to pry the spoon from his claws.

    “No,” he pushed the bowl from the counter. It cras […]

    • Awww, I enjoyed this snippet and could picture it very well. I wish I could get away with flicking cauliflower across the room when it’s served to me, especially it it’s pretending to be something else like rice. Good job.

    • Poor little mama! Such a familiar scene — you described it very well. I think that baby deserves a bowl of peaches to take away the taste of cauliflower. Well done.

    • Ah, this is so real. Beautifully shown. Well done.

    • This is so relatable, been there done that, three times. I think you captured it perfectly in only a few well chosen sentences:)

      One tiny editing suggestion:
      She sat down, put her head into her hands and cried. – put her head in her hands (not into)

      Well done Wesley.

  • That was a cute twist and I love the title of your story with the ending. I was imagining the worst like a child afraid of the dark but this was way better.
    I have never heard the word frisson before and it fits so well.

  • Hi Rachel
    I enjoyed the detail in this piece and how we can immediately fall into the chaos of the kitchen. It was interesting how we were focused on the three characters all simultaneously but how it worked well to highlight what was going on.

  • Flies hovered over the lid. I flicked them away as I opened the bin. The photo of my ex and I stared back at me. Food scraps covered it as I cleaned the plates and shut the bin once more.  

    • Hi Wesley, you got it in. Short but sweet. I have to admit my post for Prompt 21 was also much shorter than my usual. The strain is setting in. I liked the premise of this one and feel there was a bit more that could have been added to really hit the senses.

    • Thanks for sharing, I guess if the MC is covering the photo of his ex and himself in garbage things didn’t end too well. You also hinted at the bin smelling with the addition of the flies around it.

  • She looked at him and shook her head. “Humpf!” 

    He continued walking ahead. “Did you say something?”

    “No, not at all.” She stared daggers into the back of his head. “Not like you have forgotten my birthday again […]

    • Very good! Could feel her rage in the opening lines – you captured it excellently from her humpf, to the daggers / slumped shoulders and her muttering. Nice twist to give us a happy ending.
      PS. Don’t worry about last minute – you’re making the deadline AND writing good pieces. You’re winning!!

    • Hi Wesley, good to see you here again. I enjoyed this story, some great descriptions and showing here. You drew me in. I could feel her resentment and disappointment with her boyfriend and how he chose to spend her birthday. But then he totally surprised her and she was still overwhelmed but in the opposite way:) I like your use of the word crested – for climbing the stairs, good choice:)

      I found this sentence confusing because I don’t understand what rigged means here:
      The handle turned and they rigged at it. 

    • Nice job! I could feel the girlfriend’s simmering irritation at her boyfriend and her reluctance to go to this event. Then, the surprise was truly that, which was so fun. Well done.

  • Hi Jane
    I’m all caught up on this tale now and you had me tear up in the restaurant while I was reading this piece.
    well done on this series and all the ups and downs. You had the tension running the entire set and I love how each was a complete scene on its own.
    i wanted to kick Ethan in the nuts and for forcing her to do that. I am so p…[Read more]

  • Hi Jane
    Beginning to hate this man more and more. You convey perfectly her distaste and show the entire scene so well.
    that would annoy me so much if someone ordered for me especially if I hadn’t seen them in 10 years either.
    well done.

  • “Your turn,” Jade passed the bottle of vodka to me. 

    I took a swig and cringed. My throat burned as it went down. “This is so much better with coke or sprite.” 

    “Well we ain’t got any of that. You drank all of […]

    • Hi Wesley, so pleased to see you back her, good on you. I enjoyed your story. Some great descriptions and it did bring back a few memories of my distant past life. The joys of youth and first experimentation.
      I had a feeling your title should be too not to.

      Well done:) An enjoyable read.

      A few very minor edits or suggestions here:
      “Guess who is high?” Jade laughed. “It’s good to see you let lose like this.” – would suggest who’s rather than who is – and loose not lose
       “Let’s check in the others then to bed for you.” – Let’s check on the others
      I just grinned and followed as she let me through  – led me through
      Rose shook her head but smiled. – Rose shook her head, smiling.
      Rose turned to Jade, “maybe – “Maybe

    • Thanks for sharing! I thought you did a great job showing the MC’s mental state through their goofy actions. You also showed the relationship between the MC and Jade through their dialogue. Well done!

    • This was entertaining and realistic… Great showing in the line – “I smiled and then giggled again as it felt like my lips weren’t my own.” I liked Jess’ fascination with the stars and the joking around. Thought the line was very witty and a strong ending!

  • “Mountain fire rages!” the radio screamed. 

    Sally tossed her black dress on the bed. The hanger clanged against the others. A steady pile of dresses, jackets, shirts, skirts and other outfit possibilities grew […]

    • Good story. The cult of celebrity – could picture this happening to someone – glad she got out though. Dialogue was good.

  • “Ferrari wins by a mile!”

    • I liked it! There’s showing in that line!! I’ve always wanted to be try one of those ‘tell a story in 5 words things’ and you succeeded. Fair play

  • Stuck… screams… sinking… slaughtered… silence.

    • Jane replied 2 months ago

      Alliteration – poetry – mud:) You met the deadline, well done Wesley:)

    • You had one of those days, huh? Having said that, I am impressed that this is a whole story in five words! Clever use of alliteration.

  • Soft… luscious… smooth…. 

    He twirled his spoon through the chocolate mouse. He raised the spoon to his lips. His eyes glazed over as he smiled. “Mmm,” he licked the spoon clean. One small bit at a time. Each […]

    • This made me laugh! Reminds me of me and cauliflower. I’ve Never seen anyone lick a bowl in a restaurant before, but it clearly shows how much he enjoyed the dessert.

    • Jane replied 2 months ago

      Hi Wesley, this was a cute take on the prompt. I love that he licked every last morsel of dessert – only to find it had a nasty ingredient in it:)

      A few tiny editing suggestions:
      chocolate mouse.  – mousse
      “What’s mouse got to do with avo?” mousse (I assume he is not eating a little squeaky mouse – he he)
      “You lying, right?” – You’re lying, right?

      Well done:)

    • Some very nice verb choices in this! Twirled / glazed / slouched / deflated / lighting up (who hasn’t lit up over food at some point!) Also can relate to someone hating someone but eating a dish containing it. Nice take on the prompt and nice writing!

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Timaeus

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@timaeuswayland

Active 1 month, 1 week ago
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