• Backstabbing by Breitweiser

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    My lungs show again

    Squeezed in a parade

    Snake tongues slither everywhere

    Who told you to light a fire?

    Squeezed in a parade

    An expert in experience and light

    Who told you to […]

    • Powerful use of repetition. I especially like the lines “Snake tongues slither everywhere” and “Story them a fraction of grief” as both hint at a substantial betrayal with multiple people involved. The only line that has me really puzzling is “Squeezed in a parade,” not that being left to puzzle a line in a poem is a bad thing, especially when the theme is meant to be enigmatic. The speaker’s pain in the poem despite (maybe in part because of the lack of full clarity) is tangible.

      Thank you for sharing.

    • Hello Breitweiser,
      I enjoyed your poem, without being exactly sure what it is about as the images are so powerful and reinforced by your repetitions. Is this a particular form of poem? It’s a bit like a ‘palindrome’ poem. Whatever, I like it.

    • Thank you for sharing your poem, I enjoyed reading the poem but I am not clear on what is it all about, well done on the Enigmatic theme and the images are so powerful

    • Thanks, I like the snake tongues slither.

  • I am still playing with the character for sure. I was running late with this scene as the prompts are not aligning with what I wanted to do originally.
    Thank you for the feedback about the pronouns!

  • At this point in the process, I am still playing with the character. There is an event we are building to. Sloan is invisible to others so most of her interaction at this point is internal.
    Yes, this is rougher and not polished. I am getting words in. There will be more clean up later. If I go back and revise too much then it will be a lot of…[Read more]

  • Hate and Secrets by Breitweiser

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    There was a delay until she needed to board the next plane.

    A man and a woman sat on the flushed together molded plastic across from her. She considers why they are bolted to […]

    • You captured my interest with your protagonist’s random thoughts, and you made me wonder why she wants a new identity. You have created a very interesting character and I want to know more.

      Two things disturbed my reading a little. The first was in the following paragraph:
      ”A man and a woman sat on the flushed together molded plastic across from her. She considers why they are bolted to the floor. Who would steal them? She sits with a bag on her lap and digs like Mary Poppins to the bottom while she is listening.”
      You begin in the past tense, then change to present. Try to choose a tense and stick to it to avoid confusing your reader.

      The second was in this:
      ”I order three tubes to be shipped to my apartment. I decide to make pancakes for dinner when I arrive at my destination.

      I then google if there is maple syrup scented perfume. There is. I order that too.

      If only I could order a new identity. How would she live as the woman with the red lipstick? What language would she use? What else would she wear?

      She didn’t like her name. She never had. For her birthday she visualized a large box with expensive gossamer ribbon that she opened up with a new labeling of herself. ”

      The change from first to third person confused me. I wasn’t sure who you were referring to.

      However, these are minor things. The important thing is to hook your reader, and you have done that.

    • Hi Breitweiser,
      Thank you for sharing your scene. No I can feel the tension and sense some gravity, I look forward to learning more about the “hate and secrets.” Good start!

    • Hi there

      I found this piece curious enough to want to read more, which, I guess in every novel is the first step. You taught me a lesson about how to create a character out of their thinking, observation and, well, mental wanderings (not something I’m particularly good at naturally), which is valuable to me as I tend to be a bit too linear (my reading of Jessie Burton earlier today was the beginning of this, you have reinforced it).

      I do have a little quibble with you though.

      I read a lot. I don’t like it much if I have to reread pieces to understand what is going on. With this, I had to do it several times because the pronouns weren’t always clear about who they were relating to. I appreciate the complexity of observation and inner thought, but I felt it was just a bit too confusing and probably could be tidied just enough to maintain the mystery and not to become that linear thing I suffer from and desire to absorb from your writing skill.

      I write my comments without reading others, but I would add that as with Bev’s comments, I also found the switching tenses and ‘I’ and ‘she’ added to that mix of confusion.

      Just needs tidying, for me.

      I enjoyed the piece 95%, just to give you some measure.

      Thank you for sharing.

      Martin

      • I am still playing with the character for sure. I was running late with this scene as the prompts are not aligning with what I wanted to do originally.
        Thank you for the feedback about the pronouns!

    • Thanks for sharing your piece. I read scene #1 and wanted to see where you took your character, but still am not sure what her goal is or what she is trying to do. I want to give good positive comments, but I am not sure what to say. Each scene needs a beginning, a middle, and an end and I was unable to identify these parts. I am a new writer, so I don’t know all the editing rules. Keep working on it. Enjoy the process.

      • At this point in the process, I am still playing with the character. There is an event we are building to. Sloan is invisible to others so most of her interaction at this point is internal.
        Yes, this is rougher and not polished. I am getting words in. There will be more clean up later. If I go back and revise too much then it will be a lot of time at the beginning when I am not clear what will stay and what large chunks will be cut.
        These first few prompts have not been aligning with my original plan for this character.
        Thank you for reading.

  • Thank you for your comments @lsansalonerogers-com and @gglotzer!
    I just saw these comments now! It was rough to start but these ideas resonate with me so clearly and are so helpful!

  • Hate and Secrets by tbreit

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    The suitcase was packed with too many items. Stuffed full like a shell spilling out of cheese. She had to sit on it to zipper it closed. Sit and bounced a bit even. A variety of […]

    • I enjoyed reading your scene, tbreit. You conveyed Sloan’s feeling of anxiety, feeling alone and “not seen” very well. I also like how she left her phone on “silent” since it never rang anyway. I was a little confused when you added the part about last Saturday. Maybe you could work on making that more clear. I did like the ending. I’m left wondering what will her new adventure be and hoping she finds she belongs in the new place, and makes friends.

    • Gene replied 3 months ago

      This had a flow that really reminded me of an internal monologue, at least my internal monologue. I think that’s what you were going for, so kudos. It is a little unsettling getting all these thoughts, images, and memories without knowing much of anything about the character. Maybe a short conversation with the woman who smiled at her would ground it a little bit.

    • Thank you for your comments @lsansalonerogers-com and @gglotzer!
      I just saw these comments now! It was rough to start but these ideas resonate with me so clearly and are so helpful!

    • You set your character up very well letting us see her fragmented thinking. She flits from one topic to the next with very little connection. I realize that some people really think like that which I would find unsettling. I was trying to keep track of her thoughts so I could follow the story. I know she is on a flight, but am not sure where she is going. The reader needs grounding to follow the story. Maybe you could not have all the internal conflict be the focus of your scene. I think she is an interesting character, but very hard to follow. Thanks for sharing.

  • What a powerful last line! Thank you for sharing.

  • Cute! Love it. Thank you for sharing

  • I liked the build-up of the story. The last two lines seemed a bit abrupt for me but understandable with the limited word count. Scary because it is realistic. Thank you for sharing.

  • How cute! Funny how he didn’t listen and got it wrong. The intention was there. Thanks for sharing

  • Airport Red by tbreit
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    A man and a woman sit on the molded plastic that is fused together. Who would steal them anyway? She sits with a bag on her lap and digs like Mary Poppins to the bottom.

    He asks, “What t […]

    • Well that raises my curiosity. Why the new identities? I enjoyed the detail and the reference to the fused seats. Reminds me of the heavy cement park benches. Who would want them?

    • Hi There – hmm very intriguing – who is the warden? Who is the MC? What is this all about? Whatever is going on, I liked the airport scenario and the ‘what do you feel like eating’ conversation that must play itself out a gazillion times a day in airports (well, it used to!!!)

    • What a great start to something! Very realistic and I’m so intrigued by the ending. Nice surprise. Well done.

    • this is intriguing – like stepping into a joke after the punchline and everyone’s laughing their heads off , and knowing you missed out on a good ‘un.

      would love to know more about this – so hope we see more unfolding in the months to come.

      I thought the conversation between a couple too used to each other is classic! loved the analogy to a moldy shower curtain – that says it all in a nutshell

      only thing I’m not sure on? do old lady’s wear the kind of red he decides to order or is the MC so young the lady looks old to him?

      good job!

    • This was a well played out scene. I was curious about why the man was ordering lipstick for his… wife/girlfriend? It’s an interesting dynamic between the two. I’m on the same page with others and wondering where the reference to an old lady was picked up. I could very easily see the scene in my mind though. Good for 300 words. Thank you for sharing.
      Karisa

  • Powerful.
    I reread it several times.
    Each line has such weight that I read it and then paused before moving onto the next one.
    Thank you for sharing

  • Beautiful and gripping
    Worthy of several rereads.
    Thank you for sharing

  • Such a visual poem and an enjoyable read. I love the last line especially.
    Thanks for sharing.

  • Must be taken with food

    And drink.

    Follow the directions precisely.

    Word prescriptions to alter your mood

    Medicine

    To cure your ails.

    Typewriters and jazz,

    Words are important.

    Why do you ask […]

    • Hi tbreit

      I like your take on this prompt (as a former pharmacist, there is s certain charm to it!). Taken has so many forms and you have exposed many of them too. Good job

      Martin

    • Hi tbreit,
      this is way better than any doctors prescription. So helpful to spill the sweat…injuries have kept me away:( writing is new for me and doesn’t show up on the hips like my other go to…skittles.

    • This is a witty poem, with more than a little good advice for those with writer’s block. I particularly like the lines: Run when you are pissed /
      Allow the flames to / Lick your muscles / And spill the sweat. I always like crazy fun advice!

    • Oh this is clever, a great little prescription for life. Well done.

    • I really enjoyed this! I always love when people who work in healthcare turn their work into writing. And I really liked your take on taken!

  • Love the cool as cucumber mousse description!

    Uplifting And fun! Thanks for allowing us to read it

  • Oh wow. The pace was great. I kept reading because I wanted to know what happened! Sanders team leaves me curious. It seems like a real estate place but I guess it was counseling? Lawyers?

    Love it

  • Well done! I liked the build up and I am left asking questions – perfect for flash! Thanks for sharing.

  • I wandered around the library looking for my next read. It was more satisfying than scrolling on my phone and tapping BUY NOW. I walked past the desk and a book fell off the shelf. An envelope lay on the open […]

    • You definitely made me curious! I have so many questions. Nice start to an interesting character or two. I’d like to read more.

      Nice job with it.

    • What a fun idea! This is a great start to a whole world of story if you wished to continue it, with so many possible paths to explore. I, for one, would read more.
      I was a little confused by the MC. At first I thought he was younger, but then, going home, pouring a whiskey into a heavy tumbler in a stereotypical grand home library, immediately screams an older person to me, perhaps because of the association to the stereotype. I’m not sure I find the explanation of being born rich satisfies the question in my head.
      All in all, I enjoyed your story a lot, it was well imagined and well done. I would have liked to see a bit more detail in a couple of places, so almost wish it had been a longer word count for you to tell your story

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tbreit

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@tbreit

Active 1 week ago
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