Hi Sandy, I’m hopping in on this scene and haven’t read the first yet. I feel like you’re opening up some intertwining mysteries here, both Edwards and Reynolds seem a little untrustworthy. Especially considering how Edwards blamed Maggie twice “you weren’t”. Your descriptions of town slow the piece down, and I think it works because Maggie is grieving her mother (even if it was complicated), she’s home but not home, and seems lost in a place she should know so well. I’m looking forward to finding out what’s in those documents!

Enjoying this continuing mystery. The diner is very well described, a real trip down memory lane.

Hi Sandy,
That was a really engrossing read and your narrative kept me hooked right from the start. I liked the small town curiosity surrounding Maggie’s disappearance and then her sudden arrival to the town. The suspense eges you to read on. There was just one small thing. In these lines, “ Just black is fine.” There is an extra space between the inverted comma and ‘Just’. But I am nitpicking really.
I liked the aura of mystery surrounding the house. And the conversation between Mr. Edwards and Maggie really holds promise for something interesting in future. Waiting for more! Thank you for sharing!

I like Maggie. You have created a character with whom your reader can identify. Alarm bells went off in my head when she signed the paper without reading it. I feel that she is too trusting and vulnerable. You have also raised interesting questions: if Edwards has been renting the place out, why does Maggie have so much financial responsibility for her mother’s house? I look forward to finding out. I liked the frisson that Maggie experiencing when she and Joshua touched, a hint of things to come.

Hi, Sandy Nicely written scene. Dialogue is well done. Maggie is going through the motions, but I don’t think she is focusing very well. She seems to have her mind other places. Josh seems like a kind person, and I hope he can help with her finances. You have a smooth way of writing and it makes your story flow making them easy to read. Thanks, Sharon

You have done a great job in summoning up the small town feel. Lots of telling details about the surrounding and the people living there that suggest somewhere slightly shabby and behind the times, fitting in well with the suggestion of unhappy or unwelcome childhood memories that she is reluctant to revist. Lots of intriguing suggestions of mystery , potential threats, unpleasant experience, that encourage the reader to want to find out more.

So Edwards is creepier in the second scene than in the first. A lot sketchiness going on. Up in the air about Joshua.the old ladies at the diner were lovely. As was the moment it hit Maggie her mother was dead. Nice job with the fog she’s in. Things are sure to get worse before they get better.

Very nice work. You set up the situation beautifully, giving just little hints about what may be to come and giving enough questions about what has happened in the past to hold the reader’s interest and create the desire to keep reading and find out more. You have begun to create a likable character in Maggie. I just met her and I’m already rooting for her – hoping that things turn out well! Thanks for the good read, well done!

Intriguing scene, and already we have the main ingredients for a plot… secrets, trouble, hardship… I cannot help feel she is being tricked by someone. Look forward to reading more!

Hi Sandy,

Good opening scene to a first draft. You have thrown several potential tension balls into the air. I’m not sure what you are looking for in a critique, so I’ll just say some general things. As far as scene structure goes, you have given her a goal of sorts (implied) that she’s come back to deal with her mom’s estate. You’ve thrown some good obstacles in her way. But the “collision” or problem at the end of the scene is lacking. Having her just go out to eat doesn’t keep the story tension going. Have her formulate a plan and leave the house to carry it out right then. And then end the scene with a “no” she didn’t get her goal, or a “yes, but” regarding the goal. Then you can segue into a brief emotional beat around that so she can formulate a new goal. Overall though, we get a good sense of what her story problem is and what potential challenges and obstacles she’ll face. Nice job.

Hi, Sandy I really liked your scene. It shows a determined woman that faces challenges head on. Great start. i hope that Josh can help her get things straightened out. Nice job describing the house and the kitchen. Everything was just right, not comments for improvement. Thanks, I will be back. Sharon

Poor Maggie. You’ve certainly set her up with enough problems an issues to explore and solve as you go along. I thought it curious that she’d just walked in the door when Mr. Edwards showed up without an appointment or even a phone call. His timing and the one paper she didn’t sign have me wondering if she didn’t trust him awfully fast. But maybe she k ew him? I’m also curious he referred her to a financial advisor and not an attorney. An intriguing and emotional first scene.

I appreciate the details in the first paragraph that beautifully show how profoundly something has changed since the last time Maggie was home. A sense of sadness pervades this, right from the beginning.
And then things just go from sad to worse! Great inciting incidents – her mother’s death and the unexpected debt. Maggie is under a lot of pressure right from the beginning. The overarching dramatic question here for me is, “Will Maggie be able to resolve this without ending up in terrible financial trouble herself? And if so, how?” I wonder about Joshua Reynolds as an ally/romantic interest. His “gentle tenor voice” felt like a bit of a lifeline. And I’m not sure about Mr. Edwards. What attorney isn’t organized enough to get his client all signed sealed and delivered in a single meeting? He may be suspicious. I’m holding judgement for now, but I’m a bit worried about him.
Thank you!

You have done the ‘inciting moment’ really well. I find that my mind is full of questions: why did she run away after her mom died? Why is she responsible for all the debt? How is she going to manage this? My sympathy is with Maggie and I like the sound of Josh, with his ‘gentle tenor’ voice. Your attention to detail and use of the senses in your descriptions draws the reader in. For example: ‘dust … like fine snow’ and ‘ A bird was singing in the maple tree in the front yard. It sounded so soothing that Maggie decided to stay on the porch for a while.’ I felt as if Mr Edwards’s news could have been introduced a little more slowly, although he did say that time was a constraint. I look forward to reading more.

Oh, what a place to start from. Poor Maggie. I’d love to see more sensory details of the house, and I’d love to know if she’s an avoider in general or the grief is particularly hard. I’m sure I’ll find out more as you go!

Very true. a lot said in a few lines. Every new day, starts with new decisions and hopes we chose the right path. Well done.

Lovely take on the prompt. Thanks for sharing your poem.

Hello Sandy,
Your poem uses the acrostic format well to give your message. It flows really well.

Hi
Clever take on this prompt. You haveused the acrostic format to highlight your thinking. So well done. CA

I really envy your ability to tell a story via dialogue. I wish someone would give me the recipe how to do it!
This was really entertaining and yet I was waiting for some terrible thing to happen (my genre, I suppose).
I think if I was to edit anything, it would be to split up the dialogue and action in the first part when he is looking for his boots. The sentences look a little cluttered in one batch – though they make perfect sense. It’s just a formatting preference of mine.
I had a chuckle at several parts of this story and , how true it is that we often look forward to a holiday or occasion and end up not really enjoying it at all!
By the was, why are they called ‘jakes’?
Excellent use of prompt and title.

Hey Sandy, and howzit? You’ve got to be a prolific hunter yourself, or a keen researcher? I felt the vibe of the hunt, and for a piece largely transmitted through dialogue, that’s no mean feat. I loved the undercurrent of humor as well as the many learning moments (detail about camouflage, camp management for example.) The initials DNR took me out of the tale momentarily, perhaps you could have chosen a catchall phrase fr that instead? Really enjoyable writing, all the very best and regards, Seyi