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  • Thank you for the examples of ways to show rather than tell the story! Much appreciated.

  • Hi Patrick! Thank you for the feedback. This actually happened to me (in my college days), but you’re right, I probably couldn’t see the eyeball as much as guessed that’s what it was when I saw it blink from across the room (about six feet away…Pensione’s being small.) I’ll work on how to paint the picture better. Most of my writing comes from…[Read more]

  • Thanks for your feedback Patrick. You’re right, I couldn’t think of a better way to say that she was running, but sliding at the same time down the hill. I’ll work on my descriptive words. Much appreciated!

  • Molly & the Whale by Laura

    #

    WTC Exercise 4: Prompt “The Whale” 100 words (Steps are at the end of this posting)

    Friday: Steps 1-3. 

    Monday: Steps 4-5-6. First draft word count is way over, over 400 words (426 […]

    • Hi Laura,
      You’re very good at creating a palpable scene. Very descriptive and evocative. Perhaps try better verbs and more accurate nouns. “ran-slid” isn’t a word; “a large beached mammal” is very generic. I did enjoy “barnacled flipper” and “straining surf”.
      Thanks for sharing.
      Pat

      • Thanks for your feedback Patrick. You’re right, I couldn’t think of a better way to say that she was running, but sliding at the same time down the hill. I’ll work on my descriptive words. Much appreciated!

  • Ha ha, yes, always take your own car to a family funeral when people are emotional and likely to change plans!

  • Thank you for your helpful feedback that I could have accomplished the story with fewer characters and done more to draw the reader in. I appreciate your insight and comments.

  • I like how her mistake of pushing the wrong button inspired her to get through her writers block. In 100 words, you captured a full story. There are some opportunities for you to tighten up the prose:

    For example, you could cut “out of the” as its implied. breached out of the ocean water
    For example, you could end the sentence at instead. she…[Read more]

  • Of all the stories I’ve read for this prompt, this is my favorite. You’ve captured a moment in which heartbreak and renewal come together. Your descriptions are on point. Well done.

  • How lovely a scene, a storm, the morning after, the joy of whale. Your descriptions are fantastic and convey the chaos of the storm and the relief the next day.

    The last line caught me off guard as there’s a smugness to it that may not be intended, instead of gratitude and joy which is what I’m guessing you hoped to convey. I wanted it to end…[Read more]

  • This is really well done and a clever take on the “whale.” It brings back memories of my childhood catching crawdads in the storm drain and hiding them from our mom, only to have to return them to nature once we were caught. The angst at the end is on point. The dialog realistic. Well done and in such a short word count. I can’t wait to read more.

  • I can feel the disdain in the main character, and it’s a scene so many of us resonate with. Well done. Short word count maxed into a funny twist at the end. Poor Morris. I’m sure he’d rather be hiking, hunting or having a drink at the bar. I loved this little piece. It would make a lovely short scene in a larger book about he and his wife. Cheers!

  • What a twist at the end that tells the tale of childhood memories. You’ve accomplished so much in 100 words.

  • Wowza! I can’t believe how much you’ve captured in one short piece. You also crack me up with your humor (Genre: drabble!)
    You’ve painted a compelling picture of new relationship, new experiences and worked in the prompt in a visually frightening way.

    I would love you to share the steps you took to get to this story… You are really amazing as a…[Read more]

  • I LOVE this. How creative of you to turn a coffee mug into a magical moment, working in the prompt. I just learned something from you. I don’t have to think of a big dramatic scene, but can search something mundane and write a story about it, as I would a nuance in a book. Thank you, thank you!

    Here are a few (minor) suggestions to tighten up the…[Read more]

  • Ha ha, They’re on a whale watching cruise …

  • Oh, how this brings back memories! I enjoy the short sentences that create a sense of drama, quickly.

    There’s some opportunity to remove the passive voice “was given back” by showing us what’s happening (although that might be gross, ha ha) or helping us understand this story from the first person POV.

    Otherwise, I loved how you described her…[Read more]

  • Wow, this is powerful. I love your take on beached whale, ha ha! I would love to see the steps you went through in your writing process to get to this succinct piece. I think you could have made the first line more powerful by removing the words, “quiet prevaled”. It’s passive and the feeling is more powerful, and would be frightfully emotional…[Read more]

  • Nice work getting to exercise 4. Did you post the steps you took in your writing process? I was hoping to see that. Meanwhile, I liked the story and how a child interprets the world through what he hears and learns. Nicely done.

  • Wow, what a crazy adventure for the poor main character juxtaposed against the somber scene of the aunt’s funeral. I felt real empathy for the main character, trying so hard to do the right thing.

    I loved this line;
     The silence was glassy, like waiting for a crack to appear in a layer of ice. 

    Here’s my take. I’d love to see how you yourself…[Read more]

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Laura

Profile picture of Laura

@pearlflipper

active 2 days, 8 hours ago
Short Story Point balance: 1
Points balance: 4
Points balance: 4