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  • EM thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I haven’t read Oona Out of Order, but I will check it out. I like the title. Thank you again. Fiona

  • Thank you so much for taking the time to read Kim and to feedback. I appreciate that, and I do intend to work on it further. Fiona

  • Hi Deb, thank you so much for your feedback. Like I said to Otter, I’m waiting to find out in the final scene myself. It’s certainly not decided in my mind. Yes, the idea came from the experience that some events in my life will just ramdonly pop up in my mind over and over because I really wished they had played out differently (not too many…[Read more]

  • Hello Otter, thank you so much for taking the time to read this piece. I’m delighted you like to idea. I’m yearning to know what happens too. It’s undecided at the moment. Thank you again! Fiona

  • The Loop by Nonie McElroy

    #

    ‘Have you said what you wished to say?’ the Loop conductor asks, as he does every time the platform doors open.

    Susie stands determined in her frog- eyed wellies, paisley rara ski […]

    • This is an excellent start. There is a lot going on here and it is all very clear in how you set it up. I’m yearning to know what happens in 2008A stop. It seems very ominous. Great story. Keep writing! – Otter

      • Hello Otter, thank you so much for taking the time to read this piece. I’m delighted you like to idea. I’m yearning to know what happens too. It’s undecided at the moment. Thank you again! Fiona

    • Very interesting idea. You do a great job making us wonder what awaits her at 2008a …

    • Hi Nonie, What a great concept! Some great stuff here, like how you’ve built the Loop as a subway train, but Loop also refers to a time loop. I like you how repeated word-for-word the section where she meets her husband again, re-iterating the idea that the same scene happens over and over until it is finalized. Like certain scenes loop in our minds when we wish things had gone differently. Interesting how standing up for what is “right” seems to have progressively left her more alone, and it seems like the final station might have the same effect? I would like to find out! Thank you for sharing.

      • Hi Deb, thank you so much for your feedback. Like I said to Otter, I’m waiting to find out in the final scene myself. It’s certainly not decided in my mind. Yes, the idea came from the experience that some events in my life will just ramdonly pop up in my mind over and over because I really wished they had played out differently (not too many thankfully) wouldn’t it be great if you had the chance to resolve those few glitches… thank you again, Fiona

    • Brilliant story idea!
      Yes, with more editing,proofreading,finalizing plot dtls this will be a winner. Consider this a first draft and continue working on it.

      Good job

      • Thank you so much for taking the time to read Kim and to feedback. I appreciate that, and I do intend to work on it further. Fiona

    • Hi Nonie,
      I agree with the other comments, this is a great start. It reminds me a bit of Oona Out of Order. Have you read that book? I’d recommend taking a look at how that author resolves some issues of moving through time. Susie’s confusion at the start mirrors the reader’s own, which is perhaps my favorite part. Thanks for sharing, and keep going! EMScott

      • EM thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I haven’t read Oona Out of Order, but I will check it out. I like the title. Thank you again. Fiona

    • This is a really clever and original idea. I loved it. The theme of the loop echoed by the repetition at the end. I wonder what it it she needed to say and what is stopping her – intriguing! Well done and thanks!

  • Del, good morning! Thank you so much for your very kind feedback on my story. I am very grateful you took the time to read it. I will comb for tense slips and typos again.

  • Wow Deryn, you built the relationship from ‘normal’ to controlling and possessive so effectively. I really didn’t expect the end and I gasped. Great! Thank you!

  • Ah Seyi, thank you so much for your very kind comments. I truly appreciate them. Nonie

  • Seyi, thank you for a very enjoyable and intriguing read. Lots of angles to process but you wrote it in a way that they could be. You characters are strong. Thank you!

  • Thank you for taking the time to read and for your feedback Amrita. I appreciate it. They are sleeping pills I’m afraid.

  • Hi Del, you capture the internal musings and the school of days of your teenage MC really well. All the teenage characters where strong and it’s a great read, as always, but the end didn’t sit quite right with me. Of course this is the tragedy of Suze’s life, and her dismissal by Julie is a wonderful contrast to her popularity in school, maybe…[Read more]

  • Hi Sparkles, what a wonderful character you revealed in a really measured way. I think she has great potential to be explored more. I personally I have liked to arrived at her watching the family quicker, and reveal her more there rather than painting her character so much as the beginning but that is a personal choice. Thanks so much for sharing.

  • Hi Amrit, I now want to read more about Rhine. I really enjoyed this. It was subtle and surprising. Thank you. I must go back to part one.

  • Chantal I really enjoyed reading this. I love they way to built up Sarah’s possessiveness of Jason and her malintent to anyone he tries to be friends with. My only question is the calmness of the mother? But you are very good at telling quirky spooky tales. Thanks for sharing

  • Hey Sparky, what a wonderful writing name. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I’m glad you got some insight into old hollywood. I love it. Thank you for your feedback. Fiona

  • Hi Chantel, thank you so much for taking the time to read my offering and for such encouraging feedback. I truly appreciate it.

  • What’s on your mind Norma Jean? by Nonie McElroy#Norma sits looking at the home screen. She likes the new interface.  Her profile picture, platinum blonde and siren lips pouting, asking her to create a story. […]

    • Hi Nonie
      This is truly an excellent story. I love the parallels you’ve drawn to Norma Jean Baker, and how subtly Brad’s character is conveyed. Your characters are constructed well overall, and the whole story unfolds beautifully. Well done on an excellent piece.

      • Hi Chantel, thank you so much for taking the time to read my offering and for such encouraging feedback. I truly appreciate it.

    • This got dark, which I love! Well written, no grammar or spelling errors jumped out at me. I haven’t watched any old movies but from your story I have an idea of what old hollywood would have looked like.

      • Hey Sparky, what a wonderful writing name. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I’m glad you got some insight into old hollywood. I love it. Thank you for your feedback. Fiona

    • Hi Nonie,
      This was interesting! I like how you brought social media into this…and how much control it exerts over people and their lives. In a very subtle manner, it controls how we view people in a virtual world and all that changes once we get to know them real. I felt sad for Norma. I hope those weren’t sleeping pills that she took in the end. Well-penned! Thank you for sharing!

      • Thank you for taking the time to read and for your feedback Amrita. I appreciate it. They are sleeping pills I’m afraid.

    • Seyi replied 1 month ago

      Wow, Nonie. This is a really detailed character study. I wonder if Norma’s mother knew just how much her offhand remark would cut? I got the impression mother dearest was a Mother Dearest and needed the focus on herself alone. It’s a brilliantly layered introduction, as we find just how dependent Norma is on her Norma Jean character. The way she uses new tech (social media) to show herself off as an old world (cinema) star for her final turn is crazy good. Really well constructed story, with great characters, visuals jumping out of your paragraphs. Really well done. Regards, Seyi

    • I so enjoyed this with its dark undertones and superb mix if old fashioned with modern. considering this is first draft, you have made a good job of it with only one typo (Norman instead of Norma) and one little tense slip (her eyes ‘scanned’ instead of ‘scan’) – anything else bypassed me as i was too into the story to notice.
      The parallels between MM and your MC are beautifully done and, although it tends to hint to the reader that the end will be similar, it still works effectively. One of few stories that successfully used the prompt rather than ‘envy’ .
      I loved the title too. this story fits perfectly at this length and rounds off nicely in my opinion.

      • Del, good morning! Thank you so much for your very kind feedback on my story. I am very grateful you took the time to read it. I will comb for tense slips and typos again.

  • Del, Apologies for the delay replying. I haven’t logged in for a while and didn’t realise until now you had commented. Thank you so much for your constructive feedback, I really do appreciate it. Yes, definitely a first draft and my proofing is something I need to work on.. I think there is value in working out the story further and felt that as I…[Read more]

  • Thank you for your feedback Claire. We’ll have to see if the therapy works for her. Perhaps she’ll choose a life of self love and being single. I’ll have to see where she goes. She made me laugh too as much as she annoyed me. Thank you!

  • Ana, thanks so much for reading. I appreciate. I’m glad you liked the monologue. Its never sure to work in a short piece. I think she had legs, I just need to spend more time with her. Thanks again .

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Nonie McElroy

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