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  • I love how you describe the odours combining and linking to make a new odour in the air, and the comparison to linking fingers together and joining to become one. Thank you for writing. I enjoyed it.

  • Oh this is just lovely. I love the way you use air in so many different ways. When I got to the end it just all came together with your last line and made me think of all the lovely residents I work with in a resthome and the joy in celebrating each of their birthdays. Thank you for writing this.

  • The air hung heavily,

    Was hard to breathe.

    Claustrophobic,

    Everything felt like it was caving in.

    Bad news had come,

    I drew into myself.

    Drained of any positive feeling,

    My heart had sunk.

    • Wow, very nice, you’re off to a good start.

    • Hi Molly,
      Very nice start indeed! This piece captures the stifling feelings experienced when any challenges or trauma unfolds. Continue writing.

    • I think we have all experienced this feeling at times in our lives.

    • Hello Molly,
      You’ve made a great first poem. Welcome to the Challenge. I’m not sure soothing is how I would describe the poet’s life. Still, we’re all different.

    • Its a great first step. Your poem flows beautifully
      and the point comes across clearly. Hope to read more from you in the coming months. Good luck

  • MollyNZ started taking the course 52 Scenes 9 months, 2 weeks ago

  • Wow, that was a beautiful story!!! I was entranced. I can only imagine how Mira felt, but you described it with your words well. Thank you for the read.

  • That definitely was a lovely story. I enjoyed the read. You did well describing as much as you did. Thank you.

  • I must say this did make me chuckle. I think it was the singing in the rain that really got me. Did he get home safely and was his toe broken? Just curious.

  • Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I did feel it captured part of a day with small children, although mine own are all past that stage. I often think back to the days where I appreciated just being and treasuring being a mum to my precious children. Thank you again.

  • Thank you for the comments. I don’t think I was aiming for it to sound unfinished, I was more aiming at just a snapshot of part of a day. I do agree though it certainly could have carried on. Thanks so much for reading and commenting, I appreciate it.

  • The day begun with the promise each new day held. January 8th had dawned bright and clear. I hung the washing on the clothesline watching it flap in the breeze. Looking down over the town, I admired the scene in […]

    • Touching, very lifetime channel.
      This piece sounds unfinished. I was wondering if that was on purpose.

      • Thank you for the comments. I don’t think I was aiming for it to sound unfinished, I was more aiming at just a snapshot of part of a day. I do agree though it certainly could have carried on. Thanks so much for reading and commenting, I appreciate it.

    • Hi Michelle. As a parent of three grown up children, I can relate to your MC’s experiences and emotions. I’m just grateful you did not make it into a tragic story. The contrast between the peaceful surroundings and the awful incident worked well. Love the title of your story – it said it all.

      • Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I did feel it captured part of a day with small children, although mine own are all past that stage. I often think back to the days where I appreciated just being and treasuring being a mum to my precious children. Thank you again.

    • Oh gosh, I was holding my heart waiting for something really terrible to happen – what a relief when mom was in control and could save and soothe on cue. I really appreciated the almost childlike “I was feeling” refrain at the end of each paragraph. Such a beautiful, sane and safe world you snapshotted in that single repetitive motive.

  • Thank you Mark for your feedback, it is appreciated. I can see I could have had a conclusion to the phone call rather than drop it in the middle. I will definitely watch the adverbs. I am pleased to hear you enjoyed the story. Again, the feedback is great. Thanks again.

  • Thank you Peggy. I really appreciate your feedback. The contractions tip is fabulous. I also had not given that any thought so will watch that in the future. I did get to the end of the story and realised there were many questions unanswered. I am looking forward to continuing to write now that I have started, thank you for the help to keep improving.

  • Running past the decrepit house, he turned to check behind him. He slowed, he breathed heavily, his whole body shaking violently. His head was pounding and he couldn’t shake the feeling that the man would […]

    • Congratulations on your first submission, Michelle! I enjoyed the story, the plot was well thought out and I especially liked Daniel. You gave a lot of really good descriptions to help put the reader inside the story, and you let us feel Daniel’s emotions as the story unfolded, which helps to connect the reader to the character. Good job with these things.
      You might consider using more contractions in your writing, especially in dialogue, as people are usually less formal when they speak – for example, in this sentence:
      “The station just radioed, they have lost sight of the car…” it reads more natural to change ‘they have’ to ‘they’ve’. I noticed a lot of instances of this, and this is one of the things that someone kindly pointed out to me in my early days.
      I liked that you brought the story to a conclusion, I only wish I knew what was in the box, why it was hidden in the neighbor’s yard, and why they cut the lock on the dog’s kennel. Did they have to move the kennel to get to the place where the box was hidden?
      Overall I enjoyed your story, it was interesting and engaging and I hope to read more of your work in future! Well done on our first submission!

      • Thank you Peggy. I really appreciate your feedback. The contractions tip is fabulous. I also had not given that any thought so will watch that in the future. I did get to the end of the story and realised there were many questions unanswered. I am looking forward to continuing to write now that I have started, thank you for the help to keep improving.

    • Congratulations Michelle, on your first submission. I hope that you will continue.
      Being on this site is a journey. At times it is easy and at times it can be very hard but the reward in your writing changing will be worth it.
      An intriguing tale you have put together here and well done on bringing it to a conclusion. Peggy has commented on the contractions and you will find that excellent advice certainly for next month’s word count of 300.
      A couple of points from my side. Have a look at this paragraph again:
      Staring across the road, Daniel caught a glimpse of Barney, now sitting on the steps of the house, as if to protect it from any more invaders. His eyes focused on the corner where the Citroen had disappeared. Daniel described it to the operator, while the events of the day kept spinning through his mind. “Hold on, I remember locking Barney in his kennel after taking him for his walk this morning. The lock is indestructible unless you take to it with a bolt cutter.” The sound of sirens broke into his train of thought. He saw the police car coming down the street and ran out to meet them.

      Daniel is clearly talking to the police on the phone. When he ran out what did he do with the phone? A mobile he could have taken with him but maybe a bit of conversation with the officer at the other end would be great.

      Also, look out for adverbs. you have two in the second sentence. If you can get rid of them do so by using stronger verbs. It gets you some words back to use elsewhere.

      Good first story and I enjoyed the read.

      • Thank you Mark for your feedback, it is appreciated. I can see I could have had a conclusion to the phone call rather than drop it in the middle. I will definitely watch the adverbs. I am pleased to hear you enjoyed the story. Again, the feedback is great. Thanks again.

  • MollyNZ commented on the post, Clue by Will 11 months, 1 week ago

    Nice story Will. I am a little confused about what Lillie has come too, but that she has her freedom is a lovely end to the story. Thank you for sharing it.

  • Wow, I so wasn’t expecting the ending. How amazingly cool is that! I loved the story. There are some grammatical and spelling errors, but the story is really captivating.

  • Great story. I enjoyed how you explained her situation of choosing not to have a child, but obviously felt conflicted when confronted with the baby in the office. I love how you chose to end it with her questioning herself.

  • Roger is a great character. I’m impressed with the way you have in 1000 words developed him into someone overcoming in an adverse situation. I love you leave it where he is expecting his impending death, but I feel he has many challenges to face that will grow him as a person. Well done, lovely story.

  • I love that it talks about what you love to do is what you will do, what will rule over other things. It was a nice story to read, I enjoyed it. I am a little confused as to whether the last parts were all Chase still speaking or Michael thinking to himself.

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MollyNZ

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@mollynz

Active 1 year, 4 months ago
Short Story : 2
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 0
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Flash Fiction 2022s : 0
52 Scenes Rewrites : 0
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