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  • Hi,

    What a bleak world you are painting, but the hopefulness in the resistance and the uncertainty… it’s really well done. Looking forward to more of this.

    Thanks

  • Hello Elaine,

    I’m indebted to you for taking the time to lend your thoughts and expertise to my effort.

    I have taken note of what you, and the others have pointed out and I will make every effort to learn from those comments and incorporate what I discover into future writing.

    Regarding gun fights and getting shot: It is true that…[Read more]

  • Hello Amrita,

    I’m flattered that my writing is so authentic that you think I served in the Armed Forces. I did not.
    I spent a couple of decades working as a bouncer, then as a personal bodyguard, ultimately running my own company In that capacity, I worked with retired Navy SEALS and Force Recon Marines. They are universally very nice guys,…[Read more]

  • Hello Cobus,

    I’m going to answer several questions in the next scene. The who, what, when, why, and where that’s been missing. I’m not sure where it’ll fit in the timeline of the novel, but it needs to surface to keep the narrative afloat.

    Thanks for the kind words about multiple characters / speakers. It’s appreciated.

    As for my…[Read more]

  • Hi Deb,

    I’m going to work a lot of stuff out in the next scene. Thanks for your time and kind words.

  • Hi,

    This is fun and has tons of potential.

    What I liked: The concept that the family run business is ruling the world, or their part of it. Also, how you’ve built the King to be this massive giant of a man who’s insecure enough to worry about who has more hair that he does. That’s pretty funny and could be exploited, i.e., visiting…[Read more]

  • Hi Maggie,

    This is so authentic and beautifully written, it felt like I was elbow deep in a finished novel. Your command of the dialect, pacing, description and pacing is outstanding.

    You’ve done a wonderful job.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • Hi Angelique,
    This is some nice work.

    What worked for me: Using the mortal battle Samantha faces as a backdrop throughout the story is a really effective way to let the tension ebb and flow. I like how you interweave the emotional currents swirling around all the players. It keeps everything interesting. The similarities between Moira and…[Read more]

  • Hi Maria,

    What I liked: The whole narrative. What’s not to like about pirates, magic, murder, adventure… especially when it’s well written. The pirates are casually blood-thirsty and that adds an edge to every encounter with them. The mythology about male fairies and wizards and the war over them is cool and original.

    What I think needs…[Read more]

  • Hi Amrita,

    This scene has a nice pace to it and the dialogue is authentic and believable. It feels organic, not forced. It makes me want to keep reading.

    Thanks

  • Hi Nancy,

    There’s a lot to like about this scene.
    The Title of the story: “A Resourceful Murder” is a nice play on natural resources, the lack of them, and the fight over them.
    The world building is believable, but subtle. There are several instances of everyday tech that doesn’t exist yet, but will, and it’s cool.
    The characters are…[Read more]

  • Per Ostberg and Profile picture of BobBob are now friends 4 days, 23 hours ago

  • Hi Per,

    Thanks for reading. I was a bit confused. The workbook says the action scenes are supposed to be 1200 to 1500 words and the sequel scenes are supposed to be 300 to 500 words, but the writing requirement is 1200 to 1500 words per week. So, I wrote 800 + for the action scene and 600 + for the sequel.
    As for the quest… yeah, I’m not…[Read more]

  • Scene #2: Last

    The dark, still, water cocooned Captain Zachary Burton in its frigid embrace. A sickly yellow glow stick sat on the drain cover next to him lending the deep end of the pool an ethereal aspect. […]

    • Hi Bob,
      Nice fighting scenes. (What is the reason for posting 2 scenes? Taking a break next week or is it to complete chapter 2? 🙂 )

      There is a lot of killing going but I haven’t yet figured out what their quest is… except staying alive and getting to Fort Smith.

      I picked up a small thing: In the beginning of scene 3, you mention 6 troopers circling the building, but at the end you only kill off 3?

    • Hi Per,

      Thanks for reading. I was a bit confused. The workbook says the action scenes are supposed to be 1200 to 1500 words and the sequel scenes are supposed to be 300 to 500 words, but the writing requirement is 1200 to 1500 words per week. So, I wrote 800 + for the action scene and 600 + for the sequel.
      As for the quest… yeah, I’m not sure what the hell that is yet. I’m trying to get away from the simple, kinetic, Run and Gun format that worked well in my short stories but, obviously, I’m struggling. I’m even thinking of scrapping the whole Warfighter world for something else, but I feel like it’s too late.
      I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

      Thanks for your time.

    • Hi Bob. I have also found that the short story writing has prepared me well in some ways, but hobbles me in others. It’s allowed you to hone these military scenes, of which you are now in exquisite control. I enjoyed the carnage. If I have once criticism, it’s that you’re hammering on Burton’s size and strength a little too much. In three scenes, we’ve had probably five or more mentions, so it draws focus away from the story. As for the dynamics of a scene with multiple characters talking, I think you pulled it off much better than I did in my effort this week.
      Before you give up on Warfighter, let me share what worked for me when the story refused to come together. Figuring out the antagonists’ goals was key to finding out where my story was going. And to get to that, I had to figure out what problems they were facing. After a lot of head scratching, I tried making a mashup of my time travel idea and a completely separate short story about neural implants gone rogue. Once that clicked, the story leaped to life.

      • Hello Cobus,

        I’m going to answer several questions in the next scene. The who, what, when, why, and where that’s been missing. I’m not sure where it’ll fit in the timeline of the novel, but it needs to surface to keep the narrative afloat.

        Thanks for the kind words about multiple characters / speakers. It’s appreciated.

        As for my obsession with Burton: Yes, he’s a big bastard. LOL. I get so caught up in the action that I lose sight of the maxim that less is more. Point taken. Thanks

        About your final point: I’m going to write a separate scene between Burton and Cho that reveals a lot of information that’s been missing, including a sub-plot involving Cho and why she is so fearless. Think… Sword of Damocles.

        Cobus, I really appreciate your time and well thought out comments. It’s much needed and very helpful.

        Thanks

    • Hello Bob, I agree with the other commenters that it is not clear what Burton and Cho’s objective is, which would give the story some forward motion. Maybe their objective is to find a reason to fight, a community to protect, in a world gone mad? They protect each other and their company, but what is it all for? I did like the image of Burton in the pool meditating. The action sequences are well-paced and draw me right in.

      • Hi Deb,

        I’m going to work a lot of stuff out in the next scene. Thanks for your time and kind words.

    • Hi Bob,
      You definitely shouldn’t give up on Warfighter. This is only the first draft and you’re right at the start. It’s a seed. Give it time to grow. It just needs the right trellis to grow on and the right compost and watering to feed on.
      Like others my main comment is that you haven’t given us a reason to care yet. Apart from the fighting, we don’t know the main quest is? Why should we root for the main characters? Why do they have to get to Fort Smith? We don’t need the quest spelled out in detail but we do need hints that build tension. For example, they have to get to Fort Smithy before a certain date, or before the Federals get there, or to deliver an important message before they all get killed. It didn’t matter so much in the first scene, but it’s starting to become necessary now, especially as we suddenly have new people who don’t know out MCs.
      Speaking of these new people where did they come from all of a sudden? I don’t remember them in Scene 1.
      In the opening paragraph, you head hop a little. First we’re in Burton’s head, then Mohawk man’s head and then back in Burton’s. Head hopping’s not a great idea as it keeps the reader from settling into the scene and seeing it through your MCs eyes. A good rule of thumb is if your MC (of that scene) can’t see or hear it, then neither should the reader.
      A question I have relates to the power of the rounds coming out of the guns. What I know is dangerous so this is asked out of ignorance. In movies, people always fall down or get blown off their feet by a bullet, but an FBI(?) report said that in real life people often only fall down when they realise they’ve been shot because they’ve seen that in movies – get shot so fall down. You have a character being blown of his feet, Would that caliber of bullet really do that?
      Also maybe best to just label your 1200-1500 words per week as per the scene number of the week, rather than each ‘scene’ of your story. You’ll confuse the hell out of yourself and your readers. If you are changing ‘scene’ in your week’s upload my suggestion is rather call them chapters. So last week was Chapter 1, this week could be Chapter 2 and then where you have the ***** Chapter 3. Hope this is helpful. If I get bossy, tell me.

      • Forgot to say, it was well-written and easily imagined. I liked your like about the embarrassed bird. It was a nice touch.

      • Hello Elaine,

        I’m indebted to you for taking the time to lend your thoughts and expertise to my effort.

        I have taken note of what you, and the others have pointed out and I will make every effort to learn from those comments and incorporate what I discover into future writing.

        Regarding gun fights and getting shot: It is true that surprisingly often, shooting victims don’t know they’ve been hit. A common practice in the military and law enforcement is a post engagement check up by members of the team on each other to make sure that adrenaline isn’t masking the pain of a bullet wound.

        Oh… by the way, a high powered sniper rifle, like the M24 Sniper Weapon system, which is the military spec for the Remington 700 hunting rifle, packs enormous punch. It will fire a 338 Lapua Magnum round easily over 1,000 yards and deliver enough energy to penetrate five layers of body armor and still make the kill. Traveling at 2,700 feet per second, (over 1,800 mph) it arrives on target with over4,000 pounds of force. The impact damage is… catastrophic.

        Thanks again, Elaine. I appreciate you.

        Bob

    • Hi Bob,
      First of, I would like to say that you really have a certain mastery over your fight sequences. If I am not mistaken, you do some military background, because all the action packed parts appear really well drafted and authentic. I loved the opening line – “The dark, still, water cocooned Captain Zachary Burton in its frigid embrace.” The dialogues flow well and have a tinge of realism to them. The only issue with me is that I feel a lot is happening at once. So it gets difficult to get a grip over the narrative at times, in terms of who is fighting whom and what’s the fight for. But maybe, that’s just me. Captain Burton appears to be one badass character and I think you have described him really well. I can see you have plotted well in advance and gone ahead to write the next part as well. Great writing and background work! Thank you for sharing!

      • Hello Amrita,

        I’m flattered that my writing is so authentic that you think I served in the Armed Forces. I did not.
        I spent a couple of decades working as a bouncer, then as a personal bodyguard, ultimately running my own company In that capacity, I worked with retired Navy SEALS and Force Recon Marines. They are universally very nice guys, until provoked, and then they are terrifying. LOL.

        As far as my action set pieces, I just write to the rhythm in my head. I know what feels right. Maybe it’s from my youthful days as a boxer. Rhythm was everything.

        I agree with your comment about getting lost in the action. I am addressing that in my next submission. I just finished the rough draft and like it very much. I hope you’ll take look and critique it.

        Thanks so much for you time and kind attention to this effort.

        I appreciate you.

        Bob.

  • Hi Angelique,

    This is an excellent portrayal of, “The sins of the parents being visited on the children,” and it’s well written.

    The characters draw us into the drama, the setting and dialogue is authentic and the ending is suspenseful.

    Well done.

  • Hello Per,

    Thanks for reading and commenting. No worries, there will be plenty of action and gore, but hopefully not enough to distract from the story. You might take a look at a short story I wrote in January of this year called “The Promise” It sounds right up your alley.

    Chapter Two will answer some of your questions. Hope to see you there.

  • Hi Elaine,

    Thanks for your insightful comments.

    It’s certainly an indicator of my place in the learning curve that my first chapter has generated several opportunities to misinterpret what’s going on.

    When Mayburn got zeroed by the sniper, I wrote it, (in my head), that Cho dodged the bullet, (literally), and Mayburn met his destiny.…[Read more]

  • Thanks for your kind words. It’s one of the challenges of writing in a genre, Military / Western / Police Procedural, etc., that there’s a balance between the familiar use of nomenclature to that specific narrative. For instance, the M4 Battle rifle is a commonly used assault rifle in the U.S. military, as opposed to the Galil in Israel’s IDF or…[Read more]

  • Hi Sharon,
    Thanks for your comments and time.
    Yes, I was so caught up in my own effort that I forgot to include that those little details, like When, Where, and Why they are fighting.
    In the re-write, I will certainly address that flaw, but for now, I’m going to correct it in the second scene. I hope you stick around long enough to find out.

  • Hi Amrita,
    You’re very kind. This will be an expansion of the world created in the short stories, The Deal, A Gift for Cho, Roman Holiday, and others. I know that I have a lot of work to do to successfully create the story, but it’s so exciting. Thank you for reading and for your kind comments.

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Bob

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@maximumbob

Active 22 hours, 25 minutes ago
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