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  • I read this twice in a row; Not because I had to, but because I wanted to.

    This is a beautiful, aching, love story and your style, rhythm and pace, built it perfectly.

    The arc of the narrative, from hopelessness about the present, to planning a future together, feels authentic… and makes us cheer for them.

    I also kept thinking that…[Read more]

  • What I liked:

    This is a solid, dark fantasy tale. The story, it’s pace and details, and the world you splash them across, is vivid and entertaining.

    What I think needs work:

    Some of your sentences feel stilted, almost formal. I think it would help to write in an active voice. For instance…

    Instead of, “We left the gates of the town…[Read more]

  • I should be reading this in an anthology or a digital magazine. I should definitely have to purchase it.

    This is brilliant writing. Your use of simple, elegant language creates an utterly original landscape that I want to wander through for much longer than it took me to read this completely original and enjoyable story.

    Thank you for sharing.

  • You have a real gift for simple, effective description and you write with a natural rhythm and flow. This makes for a very enjoyable story.
    I loved this line, “Laurel was intensely curious about outsiders. She wanted to be one.”
    Keep up the good work.
    Thanks for sharing.

  • This was a pleasant meander through another time and place. I enjoyed how you wove the narrative back and forth, like a hummingbird flitting from flower to flower, as you touched on different aspects of the tale. It was also an interesting look at another culture.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • Hi Peggy,

    I’m new to this series. This scene is enough to draw me into the whole world you’re creating. I’m going to read the previous installments.

    Very entertaining, excellent pacing. I liked this a lot.

    Thanks

  • This is riveting. It’s an emotional river that flows into the Jacuzzi. The monstrous intent and actions of a parent over her children, as portrayed through the boys eyes… well, you nailed it.

    Well done.

  • This story was kind of like riding my Harley. I don’t really care where I’m going. I just love to ride. This tale is the definition of, “It’s the journey, not the destination.”

    I wasn’t quite sure where you were headed, but the skillful writing was so enjoyable that it didn’t matter.

    Original, well paced, and entertaining.

    Thanks

  • What could be a more tempting satirical target than the great, fat, sacrificial cow of Televangelical Christianity?

    As always, your writing is smooth, approachable, and entertaining.

    This was a fun read.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • Cobus, this was VERY entertaining. And, as Matt mentioned, VERY clever take on the prompt.

    I’m old enough now that I’m no longer surprised at what people do for love… well, for sex anyways, and it was authentic how Olly would risk his friendship with Jack for Becky’s affections.

    I’m always amused by people who are surprised by being…[Read more]

  • Homicide Detective Gabriel Hunter drank to deal with his ghosts. Studying the patrons of Robinson’s Pub in the antique mirror behind the bar, he wrapped his hands protectively around a heavy-bottomed, rocks glass. […]

    • Welcome back! And stunning work. After all those years of toil, catching the killer when taking a shortcut through an alley is a little ironic. It reminded me that I once read many robbers get caught when pulled over for DUI; Happenstance, nothing more. Great ending for the haunted detective, and some excellent lines throughout (like the alley jumping up to punch him in the face, and telling the dead guy he’ll arrest him later).
      Take care.
      PS: No ice cream truck?

    • Hi Bob, I love ghosts in stories and I enjoyed the way the ladies appeared after your protagonist had the right amount of alcohol in him. I like the gritty cop and how he got his man in the end. I like the tone and pace of the story. Good response to the prompt. Thanks for sharing.

    • Welcome back, Bob! I’ve missed your storytelling, and this one was just as compelling and engaging as all your work has ever been. I love the way you go full circle, starting and ending in the bar, using ghosts of murdered girls to show us how haunted the detective is by his inability to find the culprit and lay his ghosts to rest. Your use of dialogue to tell the backstory while moving the story forward at the same time is masterful, with a few well phrased lines you describe the murders and elicit empathy for the girls and the detective, so that when we learn the perpetrator from the shortcut turns out to be the murderer, there are cheers coming from my heart and tears in my eyes. This was a joy to read!

    • Hi Bob,
      I had read your story earlier but I can’t recollect why I did not comment on it. I think my kid woke up and started crying and I got distracted. You are great crime writer. Your choice of verbs, imagery and action set the tone of your story. It imparts it a wonderful almost cinematic effect. I love how you show the ghosts harrowing the detective, pleading for justice. Horror doesn’t always have to scare people, it can be poignant too. You have reflected on that second aspect of this genre and done a great job of it. Truly brilliant! Thank you for sharing!

    • What a nicely drawn, clever tale. I love the ghosts in the bar begging him to find their killer. You do such a nice job of setting the scene and taking us through the story. A wonderful read. My favorite description is: Dumpsters and doorways created ambush islands in the dim moonlight. Nicely done on spinning a good crime story.

  • Hi Amrita,

    For the last couple of chapters I haven’t really been following the prompts. Although, the “Child” prompt is rich with potential.

    Thanks for your time and your kind comments.

  • Burton examined the ground level, weathered, window frame, picked at nails holding it shut, then peered through a hazy pane. A desolate light bulb, at the far end of a concrete rectangle, revealed Cho’s pitiful c […]

    • Hi Bob,
      Your story is gaining m ok momentum as we speak. This is such an as action-packed and charged episode. It was gut wrenching to see what happens to soldiers such as Cho in such wars. That was the only part I didn’t feel like reading. But Burton’s comeback was thoroughly thought out and I could have jumped in joy when they finally rescued Cho from the clutches of the Colonel. My only question is how are bringing this month’s prompt into play here? Maybe, I missed something. Great action sequences! Thank you for sharing!

      • Hi Amrita,

        For the last couple of chapters I haven’t really been following the prompts. Although, the “Child” prompt is rich with potential.

        Thanks for your time and your kind comments.

    • Hi Bob,
      I can smell the TNT and cordite, feel the smoke in my lungs and the heat from the fires. Great action packed scene.

      Mailed my detailed comments.

      See you next week // Per

  • Cobus,

    Nicely done.

    My detailed critique is in your mail.

    Thanks

  • Hi Chantel,

    Another beautiful effort.

    My detailed critique is in your mail.

    Thanks

  • Hi Deb, I appreciate your interest and I’ll definitely expand on Burton’s interaction with his pursuers.

    I have big plans for the next chapter. Thanks for reading.

  • Thanks Chantel! I’ll get yours today.

  • Hi Nancy,

    I want to convey the sense of loss, of the physical and emotional cost that the change to the landscape that the war demands.

    I’m glad you’re enjoying the story. Thanks for your comments.

  • Thanks Per.

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Bob

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@maximumbob

Active 4 weeks ago
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