• Stella decided to just show up at her daughter Sara’s house. Sara was pretty focused on living her small life getting by with her garden and her neighbours. As far as Stella was concerned this was a good first s […]

  • I’m glad you enjoyed my story – I am going to try and keep it going for the year (a little series if you will).

  • Thanks for your feedback. Shorter paragraphs is a good idea. All part of the learning curve.

  • Thanks JM 🙂
    I suspect I slip in to telling not showing where my writing gets boring. This is learning edge in my writing.

  • Gold and Profile picture of Leona DawsonLeona Dawson are now friends 3 weeks, 6 days ago

  • What a ripping story John. Loved the pacing and dialogue. Descriptions just short enough to keep it moving along but detailed enough for images to form in my mind. I noticed a missing full stop somewhere in there but the story had me so gripped I just sped right over it. Thanks for a fun read. Hoping we will get more adventures with Agent Griffin.

  • Hi Sarah – the ending caught me by surprise which was great. I think your story has lots of potential and i agree with the comments already made. The therapist was unrealistic (though you could have her thinking that way while saying more normal things to the client which would make the story very interesting indeed). Some editing/grammatical…[Read more]

  • Hi Chantel – i love the premise of this story and agree that it has the potential to be a novel. It took me a while to work out what was going on and that created a little resistance (but not so much as to stop me reading). I think I am the kind of person who needs a bit of heads up with stories. Like AngC I’d love to know more about the war, a…[Read more]

  • Hi Jane, i agree with the comments above. With a little more editing you have quite a controversial story developing. I found it a little disconcerting that someone so naive (going to a meeting and being frisked without knowing what it was really about). Also more about her pain at being robbed that would have her join a vigilante group. I think…[Read more]

  • As Stella lay there facing away from her sleeping husband, in the dark early hours of the morning, it crossed her mind she may have set the bar for goodness too low. Scrolling through Facebook she saw the image of […]

    • Jane replied 1 month ago

      Hi Leona, what a great story. Are you in Australia? I am guessing due to your mention of feeding fire fighters and looking after burnt koalas you must be. I am in the N.T. so although not directly affected I am still horrified to see what is happening to so much of our beautiful country, people and animals. But back to your story. Wow an Ecological Footprint tracking system and micro chipping children. I wonder if this will indeed come to pass. Some loss of privacy to save the world – mmmm definite food for thought. I love where you have taken the prompt coalition. You have written a real thought provoking piece of writing. Definitely made me think about things and what might happen in our future. And your last paragraph leaves me feeling full of trepidation. I like how you left it there with us deciding what that slogan might mean. I am guessing that the debit will pass on to children and grandchildren – what a scary thought. Fantastic story and an amazing idea. Well done and thank you for sharing:))
      A few small editing tips – please feel free to ignore:)
      if she being lying to herself her whole life about who she was and why she really did anything at all. Not sure it it should be – if she had been lying to herself or if she’d been lying to herself (depends on word count).
      National Climate Coalition utilised everyone’s desire to been seen doing – should be be seen doing.
      briefest of moments, her pursed lips pursed puckered pressing – has an extra pursed in there and may need a comma after puckered.
      I also wondered why you chose to use speech marks in paragraph 2 and 3 when Stella was talking to herself?

    • Hi Leona
      I really enjoyed the ideas you presented in this piece, and you created a character in Stella that I really care for. In a few places it felt like I was reading a news article or a something from a textbook. I felt inclined to skip over these places, but the story itself kept me pushing through. Also, you don’t need to use Stella’s name so much when referring to her, since she’s basically the only character. I mean, we know it’s her you’re referring to. We done on a compelling idea and a tight short story

    • A good story, Leona. It’s scary that this scenario does not seem so far fetched, given the inaction on climate change.

      I agree with Chantel that there were parts I felt I could skip over, but I am pleased I didn’t. I understand that there was a lot of detail you had to share with your readers, so I know the fine balance that is so easy to upset.

      I disagree with Stella, 3am is the best time of all, especially to write!

      Well done, thanks for sharing

      • Thanks JM 🙂
        I suspect I slip in to telling not showing where my writing gets boring. This is learning edge in my writing.

    • Intriguing concept of using on personal data against ourselves. Very Big Brotherish. Novel way to use the steps of Recovery. A compelling story of what technology can come to IF WE LET IT.

      Maybe we should?

      The ending was ominous, “Now is the time: Pay it down or hand it down.” The sins of the father SHALL BE visited upon the son.

      Thanks for the great read

      • I’m glad you enjoyed my story – I am going to try and keep it going for the year (a little series if you will).

        • I did that last year, helped me get most of a first draft for a book I’m been trying to write for a decade or more.

          I’ve accomplished more with my writing in the last three year, this is year 4, with this group than I have in the last 20 years of dabbling with it. A class here, an unwelcoming writers group that met only during weekdays. I have a day job.

          I’m looking forward to where the story takes you.

          Thanks

    • Leona,
      Very different use of the prompt. A read that kept me enthralled from start to finish by the premise of what you are saying. I would break up the larger paragraphs to make it easier to read.

      Well done though

    • I really enjoyed your story. It had a sad but realistic twist. It was very believable. It was easy to follow and felt the anguish of the characters. Welcome to the review group. I look forward to reading your stories.

  • Hi Seymour, somehow I missed your feedback…I’m glad you enjoyed reading it. It was very close to my heart and so wondered if it counted as a short story.

  • Hi Aisling- sorry I havent replied earlier and thanks for your feedback. Yes, journalling is a wonderful place to leave our perfectionist behind. There’s a permission, in a journal, to just write as it is and let the words flow. Sometimes they then seem to flow from a deeper place within or even from energies outside ourselves. Quite the mystery!

  • Hi Anjum, thanks for your feedback. Sorry its taken me so long to reply to your comment. I’m glad that it landed for you and yes, I these times of a climate emergency the gifts we are born with are needed for our earth.

  • Hi Mia – what a blast getting a comment from you! How exciting for me. I’m thrilled you love the concept. As I finished the story I thought it might be too much of a trope (that’s something I learned about this year). I know you read a million stories so it is super thrilling for me hear that this little idea captured your imagination. I will fee…[Read more]

  • Kali and Profile picture of Leona DawsonLeona Dawson are now friends 1 month, 3 weeks ago

  • “We are here to help you get past this nonsense, this over-reactivity and overactive imagination. Mindfulness is the first step in getting well. But to get well you have to…”

    At this point Meg’s attention faded f […]

    • I think this is an excellent story.My Type .I believe that a see-er does exist. Humans have extra ordinary qualities God gifted

      • Hi Anjum, thanks for your feedback. Sorry its taken me so long to reply to your comment. I’m glad that it landed for you and yes, I these times of a climate emergency the gifts we are born with are needed for our earth.

    • Hi Leona, what a concept. I love this. I haven’t ready much cli-fi, but this sure has me interested. I really like the character you have created. This is an awesome start to what I hope is a larger story. You can work on finding ways to show more of the story, but you are exploring a new pace and characters and it will become easier as you get to know them better. Well done! Than you for sharing your story.

    • Hi Mia – what a blast getting a comment from you! How exciting for me. I’m thrilled you love the concept. As I finished the story I thought it might be too much of a trope (that’s something I learned about this year). I know you read a million stories so it is super thrilling for me hear that this little idea captured your imagination. I will feel into this story more… as a result of 12ShortStories and writing regularly for the last 12 months I have actually enrolled into a face to face novel writing course (in Sydney, Australia) and have landed on another cli-fi premise to explore. I ran the premise past some colleagues and they love it so I have just drafted the first chapter (will prob be a darling I kill later) to take to the first writing class. My first story for 2020 12SS will be based on this new cli-fi novel idea! Once again thanks for providing this forum and for your feedback 🙂 12SS gave me a place to actually try writing.

    • Great story Leona. I love the fear of different caused her to be sent for ‘curing’ but there is nothing to cure. The end made me happy because finally she knew why she was different and that it was a good thing. Her purpose.

      This bit confused me. Maybe just look at re-ordering the wording –
      God knows how long later the group leader’s impatient cross tone, which manages to simultaneously tut and sigh on the same breath cut into her comfort.

      It also felt like tenses kept swapping. Not sure if it was intentional.

      Thanks for sharing.

  • Load More

Leona Dawson

Profile picture of Leona Dawson

@leona-dawson

active 2 days, 3 hours ago