• Thelma was almost at the car when he got out to open her car door. “What happened Thelma? You don’t look thrilled.”
    “Those people and their small print happened to me, George. I don’t think I’ve ever been this a […]

    • Surprising twist, not a bad attempt at action, clever pun on fine print.
      I would like to suggest reading it out loudly, I believe with a little editing it’ll read more easily.

    • There are too many places like that. Or the fine print says the refundable amount will decrease by a percentage for each week after purchase. The robber was like the unfortunate that decide to rob a Police convention. Maybe he couldn’t read or didn’t see 400 officers in uniform.
      Was Thelma an officer also or just fed up with the day and being pushed around?

    • Hi
      An interesting read–clever moments, CA

  • Hi Debbie. the white space was there. I’ll be careful to double check before I save it. I always check for the italics and bold. lol I can absolutely agree. I hate it when there isn’t any white space. my apologies.

  • Most women are underestimated because of that. Thank you!

  • Thank you so much~!

  • Angelique,
    Beautifully written. Moved my heart. It left me wondering what happened with the kidnappers and her. I know you were limited on words. Maybe sometime you’ll add more to it and let it be either a longer short story or a Novelette.
    Kathleen

  • Hi Debbie,
    This was fabulous. Very few of us think of time a fragile yet it is so terribly. Your descriptions, and dialog made me hunger for more. Loved the ending – horrified for the living, but the lack of anxiety of where they were brought joy to me. I will look for more of your stories.

    Kathleen

  • The Orb by Kathleen Osborne

    #
    Sinnge held a delicate globe in her hand. Junga hung over her right shoulder. “Where’d ya get the pretty? Can I hold it?”
    “Quit hovering like that. You know I can’t stand it.” He s […]

    • Wow! This is amazing! I love the world you have created and I would love to read more of your work! Nicely done!

    • Great story Kathleen. I love the message it contains of inner strength and believing in oneself. The title drew me to the story and delivered a wonderful world.

      I would like to see a bit more white space – blank lines – although the indentations help, but my brain was still a little overwhelmed by it looking like one long piece.

      Well done and thanks for sharing.

      • Kathleen – nice story. An intriguing beginning, interesting middle, inspiring end. I like the message you convey in your wisdom. We all have something to share with some gifts and talents not yet developed. Enjoyed your work. I was not bothered by the lack of white space but I do understand it.

      • Hi Debbie. the white space was there. I’ll be careful to double check before I save it. I always check for the italics and bold. lol I can absolutely agree. I hate it when there isn’t any white space. my apologies.

    • Great store and so true sometimes the most fragile looking things are the strongest. It flowed smoothly from beginning to end.I like it.

    • Thank you so much~!

  • Thanks again for the advice…. if you encounter it again, you’ll see the changes.

  • ENOUGH! by Kathleen Osborne#Sam drove up the long driveway. He pulled into their detached garage, making sure he left more than enough room for Janice to get four-year-old Betty in and out. Thinking about them […]

    • Hi Kathleen!
      I was sitting on the edge of my chair while reading your story! I enjoyed the suspense and am glad it ended well. 🙂
      You didn’t explain who this maniac is or what his motives are. Do you plan to write a second part to explore a bit more? It would be interesting to learn more about him. It’s not usual to walk around with a sword stabbing people around. I’d love to know more. 🙂
      I spotted a few parts where you can improve your writing:
      You can put these two sentences together: “They had bought the original house. From the developer who was revitalizing it as a gated community.”
      In “Why dinner and kisses with the love of my life,” I believe you meant: “How about dinner and kisses with the love of my life?”
      In “The two officers that will be in charge are Baylor a Marus,” I think you meant “Baylor and Marus”.
      It was a nice read. Thanks for sharing. Keep it up.

    • Thanks again for the advice…. if you encounter it again, you’ll see the changes.

  • Hi Jodie,
    Loved this. I was with your character every step of the way. I’ve been through some earthquakes, nothing that bad, thank God. But I understand the fear and terror that strikes you heart and mind.

    I, personally, love it if someone finds typos or tells me some things need to be corrected AND they tell me where. Sometimes offering…[Read more]

  • Hi Didi,
    I loved your story. It caught my attention and held it. I found some things you can go in and edit for any future readers.

    Missing a word in this sentence, “My girlfriend wasn’t impressed with me turning into a paranoid __________ and claimed that a momentary break would do us good.” or you could change it to read My girlfriend w…[Read more]

  • Hi Marina. Very bohemian. Mixture of narrative and what is reads almost like poetry. As Amber said, very interesting reading.

    Kathleen

  • Hi Marie,
    Thank you so much for coming by and commenting. I thought about having it at a closer time, but it needed that time to so completely erased from the history books. That’s always slow going. And not surprised that some of the dialog might have felt stilted. I ran out words. lol. Every edit it was a battle to get it back down to within…[Read more]

  • Thank you so much Mrs. Badger. I’m so glad you enjoyed it and commented. And so delighted to hear that you had your sons watch a documentary about it. People think if they forget it will never happen again. But it is only by remembering that we can stop it before it happens.

    Bless you
    Kathleen

  • It Happened, Right? by Kathleen

    #
    The year 2055, a university history class…
    Bud interrupted, “No way, man. I mean, Professor Roberts. This kind of stuff would be on History Forever Show, in Museums all over the […]

    • Sadly, so many have forgotten – or deny the Holocaust happened that this might have been set in the much nearer future (not saying you should have set it closer in time – just commenting on our culture). I like the story and the awy you move it along by dialogue rather than a description of events, The dialogue did feel a little stilted at times though.

      • Hi Marie,
        Thank you so much for coming by and commenting. I thought about having it at a closer time, but it needed that time to so completely erased from the history books. That’s always slow going. And not surprised that some of the dialog might have felt stilted. I ran out words. lol. Every edit it was a battle to get it back down to within the acceptable range. And unfortunately, sometimes it is dialog that suffers.

        Sincerely
        Kathleen

    • My boys and I watched a documentary about the Holocaust because they knew nothing about it. It is so important to keep history alive. I like how they separated and found different things and the horror they displayed. It was a good story.

      • Thank you so much Mrs. Badger. I’m so glad you enjoyed it and commented. And so delighted to hear that you had your sons watch a documentary about it. People think if they forget it will never happen again. But it is only by remembering that we can stop it before it happens.

        Bless you
        Kathleen

        • Sadly there have been a few genocides since like Rwanda. Which was disturbing a church pastor handed over a hundred thousand Tutsi and when they ran out of bullets they used machetes to hack them to death.

    • I had the same problem with length. I had to sacrifice some parts I really liked!

    • I was wondering why the history would have been written off even in 2055. But if the history of the first peoples could be forgotten in such a short time…
      I found the dialogue was sufficient as you needed the backstory and revelation at the end – too much dialogue might have ruined the effect.

  • Hi,
    Like the others, I saw a lot of things that using prowritingaid.com would clear up. Recommend you have someone else check it before you turn it in. If you did a lot of re-writing, it is easy to miss your own mistakes.

    Your story has good bones, and I like the angst your MC has over the quitting time and Harvey.

    Keep working it!

  • Hi,
    Good story. You handled the sex scene well.

    You pulled me in and kept me interested.

  • Hi,
    I was drawn in by this poor little mouse of a girl. Living only by someone elses desire and thoughts. I wish we had been allowed more words for you to explore with her more, be more descriptive than you were able to be due to the word count.

    Unfortunately this is still happening in certain areas of the world. It is nice to see it…[Read more]

  • Thank you so much Jackie. I’m so glad it touched you.

  • Freedom by Kathleen Osborne

    #
    “Freedom.” Hummm. Write something about ‘Freedom.’ How could he, Jimmy Two, a 10-year-old slave, write about that? He had never experienced it. He and his classmates, four others […]

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Kathleen

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