• This is a great story, Peggy. It’s so easy to read and I can see every image you paint. You have a wonderful way of writing and I look forward to reading a lot more of your work. Thank you for sharing.

  • I’m glad you’re continuing this Alliance story, Jane. Your dialogue could do with some work, though. It felt very forced in some places, as though the words were only written to inform the reader of the back story and were not something one person would say to another. Keep going with this, though. I look forward to the next episode. Well done!

  • Oh I’m so glad there’s the possibility that nameless son-of-a-b will get what’s coming to him! You’ve created a very unlikable character and I want to know how he’s dealt with. I do hope there’s a continuation to this, John. Great dialogue as well!

  • Hi Teresa. Very innovative use of the prompt. I agree with Maria about sticking with one character. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here: ‘Then, but not later, no, not after a fall from a tree later that day broke his leg in three places’. I think it needs a bit of editing, does it? I didn’t know what ‘the nocebo effect’ was and had to…[Read more]

  • Thank you, everyone, for reading my piece. Your comments are very helpful.

  • Hi Amrita. There’s not much left for me to say. I love the way you use dialogue to create your characters. Your last line might be missing a word, though. ‘Oh, and I almost forgot, I had to Ramila that our plan had worked.’ Do you mean to say ‘I had to tell Ramila’? I was a bit thrown by that line, then realised you were referring to the…[Read more]

  • Great imagery, Bronwen. I really felt for the protagonist and her family. This line hit hard: ‘Nothing else seems to have stopped apart from his heart.’ Life goes on no matter what. Thank you for sharing and well done.

  • June Hunter commented on the post, Doorway by Mara 2 days ago

    Great take on the prompt, Mara. I’d love to find such a doorway, but not for too long! I did, however, find the dialogue a little unnatural. Wondered why you had your old lady starting every sentence with ‘O’. Thanks for sharing.

  • Great story, Julius. I can taste the dust and dryness. You do have a few issues throughout, with switching from past to present tense that you could tighten up. eg ‘He gave me a friendly smile.’ instead of ‘he gives me a friendly smile’. ‘I did not notice the hump in the road’ instead of ‘I do not notice the bump in the road.’ I’m sure you’ll…[Read more]

  • Brilliant, Michael! What a great way to use the prompt. Your very dark inventions to ‘rehome’ the aliens had me laughing throughout. I thought your non-discriminatory use of the term ‘aliens’ was a great device to show how the authorities didn’t care, one way or the other, who these ‘beings’ were. It was only the time and money-saving devices…[Read more]

  • Hi Maria. This was ‘unputdownable’. I loved your description of the gravestones: ‘The vision resembles crooked teeth shifted in an old man’s mouth’. That’s exactly what old gravestones look like. Your descriptions are all so visual that I couldn’t help picking up on one that wasn’t – ‘swings from the rafter in an unnatural state’. I know y…[Read more]

  • I like the way you’ve used the prompt to write about a professional queue-er. I didn’t see the ‘stalker’ twist coming. You should watch out for the unnecessary adverbs in the piece though, eg ‘sardonically’ and other ‘ly’ words; as well as the cliched ‘chiselled jaw’. I also wasn’t sure how your protagonist could be ‘weighed down by all my…[Read more]

  • Reine and Profile picture of June HunterJune Hunter are now friends 2 days, 22 hours ago

  • Great story! I did wonder, as I read, why it’s always necessary to portray private detectives as underutilised, smoking, boozing, louts who refer to women as ‘the dame’. However, the originality of the rest of the story got me over that hurdle . I hope this is part of something bigger, as I’d love to read more. Well done!

  • In my life I had a fear of dead things and all other things associated with death.  Now I’m a dead thing.  A corpse lying in a dead thing’s receptacle.  Attending a dead thing’s celebration.  They’ve reposed me […]

    • I love the juxtaposition in this. It’s a very elegant piece of writing, between the living and the dead and the inner monologues of both. Plus there is a beautiful twist at the end.

    • Oooh nice twist! A poignant well-crafted piece. I’ve often thought about whether I would be present at my own funeral, so this was even more enjoyable for me to read. Well done!

    • Hi June,
      What a storyline. This is the third story I have read this morning that was so inventive. I am so jealous I didn’t think of it myself. Imagine hiring people to attend a funeral.

      I’m glad someone ended up knowing her. I enjoyed the bouncing back and forth from the dead to the living.

      This piece is creative, interesting and well written.

      Great job with the prompt,
      Maria

    • I agree with the comments above.

      Interesting style, very engaging and with lots of subtext. I particularly enjoyed the dispassionate way that the dead woman started out and how she changed at the end… how long will those words haunt her?

      Thanks for sharing.

    • In the good old days they really did hire mourners. And it is also true that sorry always comes too late. Enjoyed your story

    • I liked the different perspective this story was written from. The plot twist at the end was unexpected and gave it an almost happy ending, perhaps the best ending it could have. Thank you for sharing the story.

    • Hi June,
      This was one of the most innovative takes on the prompt for the month. You have shown two parallel perspectives with such seamless flow. The story starts with subtle notes of humour and then elevates something so wistful and yet beautiful. I loved the way you play around with this secret world between consciousness and total oblivion. The world where in their own silent language, the dead and the living communicate. The final recognition was moving and felt real. Loved the monologues of your two characters. Great story! Thank you for sharing!

    • Thank you, everyone, for reading my piece. Your comments are very helpful.

    • June, this was wonderful! I love the way you’ve told the story from two different POVs, and thought you did a great job giving the two POVs such distinct voices. I especially thought the twist at the end tied the story so very neatly and expertly together, leaving me with a warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart. Well done!

    • I immediately loved the fact that your tale unfurls as it is told both by the dead woman and the man who was hired as one of the mourners. But you blew me away with the gentle twist of serendipity at the end. Very nicely done!

    • Hi June your little teaser drew me in and made me think of Lincoln in the Bardo but then your story was quite different – albeit there was a dead narrator – I’m so happy the dead person went peacefully as there was obviously no one close to her to send her off, so the appearance of the old man/former heartthrob
      /crush was lovely . Well done .

  • Thank you for reading, Jordy.

  • Thanks, Maria. This comment bothers me, though: ‘I felt as if the child was enjoying the mother’s pain. She wanted her to hurt, perhaps by keeping the secret and not giving her a chance to get the upper hand?’ At no time did I intend to imply the seventeen-year-old was enjoying the mother’s pain. If I have, then I need to fix that. Could y…[Read more]

  • Thank you for reading.

  • Thanks for your comments, Bev.

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June Hunter

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active 20 hours, 26 minutes ago