fbpx
  • Scene 21

    The sound of the front door slamming shattered Sofia’s musings and brought her abruptly back to the present. Then the kitchen door burst open.

    ‘Hello Mum, I’m home! Is there anything to eat?’ Tomas n […]

    • This is a nice scene with a next clue! Tomas seems moody lol. Perhaps he’s not great with sharing his emotions, but I wonder if Sofia wouldn’t pull them out of him. Maybe he’s jealous of Arnie? I hope he goes with her on the trip.

  • Thanks Per. Good reminder about Sofia’s quest, it’s evolving as she progresses but probably it would be good to bring it into focus again soon and start drawing the threads together.

  • So glad you’re enjoying it, Rebekah, thanks for your encouragement!

  • Hi Tim, thanks for your feedback. Hopefully all the layers will come to overlap at some point, I’m still figuring out exactly how to achieve that! I agree about trying to follow several stories at once over an extended period, its easy to lose track of details. Near the start of the story, when we first met Great Aunt Violet, Father introduced…[Read more]

  • Hi Sandy, thanks for your kind words!

  • Interesting to see how you are showing Kas facing the consquences of her earlier decisions, and starting to understand the scale and implications of the moral dilemmas she faces. I love the image of the forks in the road. And of her cup of hot chocolate slowing cooling as the scene progresses, finally becoming stone cold – could be seen as a…[Read more]

  • Superb scene, gripping and full of tension, fear and action. I especially love the way you have Joshua jumping in the water without thinking it through properly – his ‘Jesus complex’. And so making things even worse.

    One thought – it seems maybe a little too convenient that the police and paramedics arrive just at the very moment that Joshua…[Read more]

  • Hi Rebebah! Lots of juicy development in this scene: Martin’s self-doubt about his appearance; Craig’s reluctant compliance with Martin’s plan (is he beginning to suspect Martin is using him?); Tessa’s diplomacy; Rex’s apparent disconnect with the world he is supposedly in charge of.

    The only thing I was unsure of, like Barbara, was the…[Read more]

  • Ooh, I love it! I thought Mr Tan seemed rather too good to be true. Great setting description with lots of realistic detail builds up an appropriate atmosphere for drug smuggling, and Tom’s reaction to his dilemma is very believable. Interesting that he has discovered he is able to active the shimmer himself, showing he is coming to terms with…[Read more]

  • Hi Per, thanks for your encouragement, greatly appreciated

  • Respect! I appreciate your insights.

  • Thank you Sandy. I like your idea about Tomas being jealous, that could be worth developing. Very happy that you are finding my story absorbing.

  • Hi Sandy, I love the way you’ve brought Josh’s mother into the story –
    it adds depth to his background and gives lots of potential for developing his character, and the proposed trip to visit her ties the whole thing in nicely to the other characters. The banter in the diner is fun – throughout your story you do a great job of balancing serious…[Read more]

  • Scene 20

    Sofia felt very grown up walking to the office beside Father. She’d chosen to wear her smartest clothes – she was sure that all sorts of distinguished people would be needing her help today and she k […]

    • Now Sofia has another mystery to solve — and we have to wait to find out. LOL She is such a curious girl. I have a feeling she will find out about her mother in spite of her father trying to keep it a secret. I get wrapped up in your story, and poof, I have to wait another week. I would offer criticism, but I can’t find anything to criticize. It reads smoothly. Nothing takes me out of the story or stops me when I’m reading. Well done.

    • Hi Julie. the downside of reading one scene a week (and three other stories in between) is that you forget details like the names of relations. It is another wellrounded and complete scene, and bringing up Sofias mother adds another layer. The only question I have is I thought Aunt Violet was her fathers sister not aunt.

      • Hi Tim, thanks for your feedback. Hopefully all the layers will come to overlap at some point, I’m still figuring out exactly how to achieve that! I agree about trying to follow several stories at once over an extended period, its easy to lose track of details. Near the start of the story, when we first met Great Aunt Violet, Father introduced her as his mother’s sister. But Sofia has just been calling her ‘Aunt’ since then, which I see may be confusing.

    • One thing I know readers – both adults and children – who will read your story one day WILL enjoy is how Sofia is the most unsuspecting detective who finds clues about her family no matter who she is around. Really, without even meaning too! It’s a great way to end a chapter each time, and I’m enjoying it.

    • Hi Julie,
      great scene. I wonder what other menial task Miss Bird gave her? ha ha ha

      Except for that… great new mystery to solve.

      In connection with Tim’s comment… I actually forgot what Sofia’s quest in this book is… As we go from new mystery, new details, new revelations… As Tim said, the downside is that you forget the details.

      //Per

      • Thanks Per. Good reminder about Sofia’s quest, it’s evolving as she progresses but probably it would be good to bring it into focus again soon and start drawing the threads together.

  • Ooh, a second will! And presumably one that Edwards doesn’t know about. How exciting! But I would have liked to see more evidence of a reaction from Maggie when the ladies produce it, either externally or internally – surprise, shock, confusion, excitement….etc.
    Love the detail about Julia keeping it in the freezer – these little touches of…[Read more]

  • Hi Per. A great exposition of Stu’s thought processes about what he had found and how he can use it to his advantage. I can almost visualise him rubbing his hands together in glee at the prospect of using this discovery to his advantage. Also a nice summary of how he blotted his career copybook. I find myself wondering about his previous…[Read more]

  • Mira is developing into a compelling character – ambitious, clever and manipulative. I get the feeling that Martin is about to be totally outclassed by her. Reminds me a little of Macbeth and Lady Macbeth! Intriuged to see how this will pan out.
    The concept of the optic lens in Section 8 and its social downsides is spot on – The optic lens…[Read more]

  • Love the fast pace and suspense. You do a great job of depicting the differences in character between the two men. Superb how Rudolph’s rather feeble personality is reflected physically when he slips on the floor ‘like a Bambi on ice’! Nice contrast too with Joshua, who seems a little prissy at the start with his reaction to flying, but who…[Read more]

  • Load More

Julie Vural

Profile picture of Julie Vural

@julie-vural

Active 17 hours, 8 minutes ago
Short Story : 2
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 21
52 Scenes : 2
Flash Fiction 2022s : 0
52 Scenes Rewrites : 0
Show, don't Tell June 2022's : 0