• Hi Deryn,
    What Nina said – don’t you dare take it out 😉
    These descriptions of her work in the bush always take me so far away – tu vends du rêve et j’adore! I was waiting for the moment between her and Duncan, his words are shocking and the icing on the cake is that his apology is conditional! That is just rich, but then, it’s Duncan and…[Read more]

  • Hi Anne ,

    I enjoyed reading about Melanie and how she slowly came to boiling point and then did the inevitable. This is a key part of the story, and sets the scene for – The Art of Misdirection.
    Here are some ideas – please take what resonates and leave the rest (and then add those to my whiskey tab which I should come settle ;-))

    First…[Read more]

  • Hi Hanri,

    I am a big fan of scenes that weave into one another like this where first we are in the court room and then we are with Alma and EL in the kitchen, watching the proceedings. There’s the power of writing to give an almost magic and really personal quality to these ‘circumferences’ that film fails to achieve (in my opinion).

    I…[Read more]

  • ########################### La Rage Scene 47 – Pride ###########################  Excerpts from Shuvam Reddy’s journal –  It starts with pride.  Pride that leads to arrogance. And arrogance is when you make mist […]

    • OK, Jan, first of all, you’re a damn good writer, so don’t shoot off your erotic writing. It’s natural to be shy of it – it’s sex, after all. But a good erotica-writing friend of mine once explained to me that a sex scene is good when it communicates the emotions, and fits the purpose of the story. And on that basis this scene is really, really important and definitely not “bad” as you say.
      So about the emotions: Shuvie is deflowered here in a way that leaves him confused and vulnerable, but all of us know what has really went down. He was raped. And it will take him years – a lifetime – to figure that one out, because he thinks he participated in it. And because it was not violent it couldn’t have been rape. (But the little violences are there – the treacherous waters, the scratching stubble – always juxtaposed with something soft and vulnerable, like the tummy around the navel).
      He thinks that because he had an erection he must’ve wanted it, he must have consented. And he thinks that because he wants to go back to that situation, he is a willing participant. Meanwhile it is his trauma response.
      All of that is what is going through the reader’s head as you go through the scene. The horror of watching the graphic side of it while being firmly inside Shuvie’s head at the same time, knowing that “no” can also look like this: “What do I say? Maybe I do want him. Maybe I don’t know what I want. Perhaps I am some type of pervert, who seduced him, who extorted favours from this well-placed man, who manipulated him, who blackmailed him. Perhaps I am all those things. ”

      It is a sexual awakening intertwined with a violation. Shuvie’s soul is shattered by this event, not only because Robert is abusing a position of trust, but also because Shuvie’s father already prepped the canvas so that Shuvie’s sexual awakening would never have been a positive experience. That poor boy has been set up in more than one way. And this is the point where the fact that this is a sex scene fades in the background and the real purpose of the scene is presented clearly: this is the “original sin” which has Rob and Viv and Dan where they find themselves now.

      OK, and now about Viv: You put her in the same position we, as the readers are, we’ve walked in on something we’re not supposed to have seen. You give her the same reaction we should have: retreat, close the door. (But one can’t close the door on Shuvie’s soul, his POV keeps coming)
      I was as surprised by Viv’s reaction as Shuvie. And I suppose I know her a bit better now than Shuvie did when he was in that scene. There is a vulnerability and a gentleness to Viv here, which is different from the almost callous character we’ve got to know this year. And she is trapped in the same way as Shuvie is, in this scene. Only – Shuvie gets driven home to his digs. Viv has to stay with That Horrible Man that had also me fooled for the whole of this year. And she does. But it changes her into the Viv we get to know at the beginning of the story. Another trauma response. Somehow I always knew this about her. She’s not just another narcissist.

    • Oh – pressed send too quickly – just to say again – damn good writing. Especially from Shuvie’s POV. Look what this year has done to us!

    • Shew, Jan – HM’s analysis is so on point I can’t say anything else. The scene certainly evoked feelings of guilty pleasure almost, poor Shuvie – and of course Robert isn’t the saint we had him pegged for at the outset – what a role reversal for him and V…excellent twist and excellent writing. Super well done.

  • Hi Hanri,

    Indeed a boulder of a woman, blocking and crushing, obliterating everything in her path. When she’ll listen to the recording she might realise that things did not exaclty play out the way her young protegée had her believe. I’m looking forward to that – ultimately, it will end badly for both Mike and Peony, of that I am fairly…[Read more]

  • Thank you for this Deryn, it’s very encouraging 🙂 I appreciate you staying around for the ride! x

  • Hi Suhda,
    Your analyses help me a great deal, thank you for the detailed feedback!
    So, Arjuna is Anan, Rob’s BFF. Through Grizelda we know that Shuvie is dead, and we’re about to find out what happened to him. And to keep Bessie off the case is also a someone (late but failed) deviation that I need to bring forward. In V2 I’m thinking of…[Read more]

  • Hi Peggy,

    Bravo! Your talent for writing action never fails to amaze and impress me! I was in the camion being tossed around in the chase, that was absolutely incredible, well done!
    So Roy and Williams are bringing the pieces together and on their way to the shoot out – I appreciated the mini recap here of what happened at the New Moon and it…[Read more]

  • Thank you Anne! I’m going to try and clean things up and make it easier to follow.
    I’ve taken Jamie out of this ending – normally I’d have something bigger planned for him but I’m not going to make it for the end of the year. And in terms of Griz, we won’t have her terminally ill either!
    Point about Daniel and Jamie taken on board and will get…[Read more]

  • Jan commented on the post, Tir Na Nog by SM Prasad 6 days ago

    Hi Sudha,

    As always your beautiful millefeuille layering of the imagery puts us right there with her in the bar, I can smell the deep fried chips and I loved the rotting leaves. I also felt her on the rickety chair as the beer started to numb her senses. From there, the sequencing seemed somewhat uncoherent, but from her inebriated viewpoint it…[Read more]

  • Hi Deryn,

    Bravo for the dream sequence, I know that’s never easy but you got it perfect! I felt a little bit like I was a passenger in the car, with Hugh driving, taking us to the lodge. We know all to well what those drives feel like after the night flight from Europe 😉
    Hugh is really a lovely guy. Seems things are changing inside Fran,…[Read more]

  • Hi Deryn,

    Apologies I am late again and playing catchup – and I’ve just read over Anne’s impressive and wonderful critique, I don’t have much of value to add except that I really like Fran’s frame of mind and spirit here. She’s turned the page and has broken out of that reproachful fury (which was funny, but I suspect she’s going to pay for it…[Read more]

  • ******* 

    **La Rage – Scene 46 – Defiance 

    ******* 

    ****** 

     

    Bessie and Grizelda walked through the reception area towards the heavy steel doors at the end. A lingering odour of smoke drifted through th […]

    • Hi Jan – excellent – although as you observed yourself it’s in need of an edit, but that’s neither here nor there. Great drawing together of all the threads …hope Bes and Zelda are in time to find/save V, Daniel etc etc….! Super well done.

      • Thank you for this Deryn, it’s very encouraging 🙂 I appreciate you staying around for the ride! x

    • OK, so interesting. You’re throwing a lot at us now and I’m sorting through it. So Robert has been meeting with Arjun but we haven’t seen that meeting before, or have we? If Arjun is using an alias, then we have. We know that Shuvie is dead. We know that Vihaan and Shuvie’s father was a pharmacist and that Anan is a pharmacist. So some of this is coming together. Also, there is this very strange push to keep Bessie off of the case but other resources are involved–the police guards in front of Daniel’s room and the detective speaking to the Chief in the room So it’s not true that they don’t want to spend time and money on this case.
      We don’t know whether Robert knows about the attack on Daniel. It is strange that Bessie doesn’t ask her chief about that.
      How did the attack happen on Daniel if there are guards outside his room? I am assuming that the fire drove them away–but perhaps there can be some dialogue with the guards and Bessie to establish this fact and remind us about the circumstances of Daniel’s attack. The section on Vivien was action-packed and her fear and praying was illustrated well.
      Really well-done scene–didn’t feel rushed.

      • Hi Suhda,
        Your analyses help me a great deal, thank you for the detailed feedback!
        So, Arjuna is Anan, Rob’s BFF. Through Grizelda we know that Shuvie is dead, and we’re about to find out what happened to him. And to keep Bessie off the case is also a someone (late but failed) deviation that I need to bring forward. In V2 I’m thinking of fixing this by having Robert call her directly and asking her to do him a favour instead of it being an official police thing. Maybe also having Bessie be a type of PI with her trusty clairvoyant partner who actually leads. Lots to think about, and what you give me helps a great deal!
        Thank you so much for this Sudha, and I appreciate you!

    • Hi Jan
      Whoo, roller coaster springs to mind, so many things racing towards a conclusion. I feel I need Hercule Poirot to gather us together and explain the sequence of things as there is so much detail here. Gripping stuff and Griz’s intuition is once again so absorbing.
      I’m not clear who is in charge of anything any more, which is a delicious source of speculation and I can’t wait to find out who’s done what.
      Where’s Jamie? I’d really love t know more about his relationship with Daniel and am sometimes suspicious of him, fearing that he might be a baddie!
      Can we have Griz’s health sorted please – she has to live to be in the sequel!
      So well done, and so near the end!

      • Jan replied 6 days ago

        Thank you Anne! I’m going to try and clean things up and make it easier to follow.
        I’ve taken Jamie out of this ending – normally I’d have something bigger planned for him but I’m not going to make it for the end of the year. And in terms of Griz, we won’t have her terminally ill either!
        Point about Daniel and Jamie taken on board and will get a lot more airtime in the next go 🙂
        I appreciate you!

    • Wait, so Anan is Vihaan’s father? Not his brother, as I’ve been thinking. And what did Robert do to Vihaan’s brother – Shuvie is it? Why is Bessie being kept away from the case? Where is Jamie during all this time? Will Bessie and Grizelda save Vivien? What is Robert’s true role in all of this! So many little details coming together, forming a beautiful, multi colored tapestry in my mind! I can’t wait to read this start to finish! Well done, Jan!

    • Jan, I like the idea of Bessie not being with the police, but perhaps being brought in by the church (if not the hospital) to investigate the strange occurrences. Can you imagine the delicious conflict that arise when Bessie shows up on a brief of the church with Grizelda in tow, and tells them that they either accept her working with Griz or she walks. Its making my toes curl of delight just thinking of all the potential inter-spiritual exchanges that that situation might beget!
      And this scene has clinched it for me: Grizelda needs her own series. (I seem to recall a kind of mini-novel you did during 12SS last year or the year before, about two guys that met on Grindr and it doesn’t end well for the one – you could blow that up into another mystery for Grizelda to solve and then you have already two books in the series).
      I’m still kind of dazed by all the new reveals in this scene, and how the father of Vihaan is being brought in. I suppose in your story he is really the “gun” that you’ll have to show in the beginning of the story if it is to go off at the climax. #Version2goals.

  • Hi Sudha,

    I liked Wheeler, he looks like an awesome guy and the end of that part left me a little sad for him – you know, he’s got things going, everything is fine, then there’s that one thing he misses and in the next scene Jen talks about it.
    The case is almost over, I loved working with you, I learned so much. (read, I hope I’ll see you…[Read more]

  • Hi Hanri,

    Baie dankie 🙂 We do get them in real life indeed and what I find fascinating (if that is the right choice of word) is what they put forward as an excuse to justify their actions.

    Point taken on board about the journal – In the next version, I’ll will intersperse it with the text. My mistake is also calling it a journal which it…[Read more]

  • Thank you Peggy! I still have a couple of surprises up my sleeve, but you see me coming – hoping I will be able to get away with one or two more 😉

    In terms of the ending – I’ve had to recut some of the plot to make everything fit – e.g. I have a big role for Jamie in the ending but that will have to wait for V2. I’ll give it my best to get…[Read more]

  • Hi Peggy,

    Once again – you do incredible action scenes! This one was charged, hyped and it sped by with all the energy and conviction that the story had accumulated so far. And in between, your imagary is absolutely exquisite, like the wounded animal and then later on, the caged animals (lovely parallel). I also found the “some of the fright…[Read more]

  • Hi Anne,

    That a was nice surprise, leaving me feeling all warm and good – thank you 🙂

    Every Woofer gets her day – she has stood her her ground, she has persevered, she made friends in the unit and she hasn’t buckled under the obnoxious comments of old Grundy. It’s nice to read the praise from her boss and his appreciation (and almost…[Read more]

  • Hi Hanri,

    As I read, I started craving a piece of toast, with butter and cheese! That was delicious btz 😉 Mona is definitely an interesting one to watch, Peony is a wolf in sheeps clothes, and Mona is definitely her alpha. Her brown eyes do indeed seem to not miss a single detail and I’m sure she caught on the lie that Peony told. She’s going…[Read more]

  • #### 

    ######La Rage Scene 45 

    #### 

     

    Grizelda sighed as pulled her eyes from the journal on her lap. She had almost finished reading the handwritten autobiography. 

    Outside, the streetlamps whirred by in a […]

    • Hi, Jan. I enjoyed your scene. I haven’t read your scenes for a long time, so it took me a bit to get back into the story. It seemed to me that you have three different scenes going on. The tarot cards, the inapproriate advances from an older man on a younger boy, and also the ambulance scene. I have to admit I enjoyed the last one the most. If I had been following your scenes more closely, I might have understood the tarot cards. I will try to keep up in the future and I hope the older man isn’t responsible for harming the younger boy’s father. Small typo peals for pearls. Thanks

    • Jan, there are a couple of delicious tidbits of character development in here. Old Rob, the bastard. You get them apparently in real life, you know? These world-famous profs who toy with their legacies in this way… Ai tog…
      I think you need to put a few ellipses into the diary entry – it is unlikely that the diary would have all of what you’ve put down in this one as a single entry, because the events occur over a period of months, or longer. Of course in V2 you can cut all of this up – put a three-liner in-between scenes and so on, so this is not criticism. Just saying.
      Have fun with the final stretch!

      • Hi Hanri,

        Baie dankie 🙂 We do get them in real life indeed and what I find fascinating (if that is the right choice of word) is what they put forward as an excuse to justify their actions.

        Point taken on board about the journal – In the next version, I’ll will intersperse it with the text. My mistake is also calling it a journal which it is notactually,it’s more like one long letter from the little brother to Vihaan. Grizelda is about to find something in Robert’s office which will tell out why 😉

    • Just when I thought I had this figured out, you give more clues that make me rethink my conclusions! The mystery is intense, the clues are magical – given through Grizelda’s tarot card readings, interpretations, impressions; the journal entries itself; as well as the physical action of the various characters that you portray throughout. I am so intrigued and compelled by your story, Jan. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

      You say you are worried about the ending, but it feels like its winding up to a great finale. It seems like all it needs now is the big reveal, then the fallout/response as each of the characters come to grips with who did it, why it was done, and what impact it had or will have on their lives as they move on. (I know it’s not that simple, and there’s a lot of details to cover all that, but remember that it doesn’t need to be perfect or have all the details – those can come in the rewrite and hopefully you’re signing up for that as well?) Keep it coming, Jan – you’ve got it!

      • Thank you Peggy! I still have a couple of surprises up my sleeve, but you see me coming – hoping I will be able to get away with one or two more 😉

        In terms of the ending – I’ve had to recut some of the plot to make everything fit – e.g. I have a big role for Jamie in the ending but that will have to wait for V2. I’ll give it my best to get that great finale, thank you for the encouragement, I appreciate you!

    • Deryn replied 2 weeks ago

      Wowzer Jan – upping the ante here for everybody…so much at stake – lives, reputations…twisty turny – great writing and plotting. Super well done.

    • Hi Jan,
      Well. well, well. So Old Robert is not the saintly, gifted academic he says he is?? (I hope you can hear the sarcasm…) I have also had to experience these types of people in my career and let me tell you at this point, I’m surprised if they are actually accomplished. You’ve woven a very interesting subplot between the writer of this journal (Vihaan’s brother) and Robert. I wasn’t sure if Robert is inappropriate and “grooming” him to possess him (perhaps he doesn’t know how to act on his own feelings) or whether Robert is isolating him (as narcissists do) because he’s fascinated by the work that the brother can do and he plans to claim the work as his own. The clues from Grizelda and the cards are tantalizing and contribute an air of mystery. The last part at the hospital is a good action scene and the remark that Grizelda is not surprised by the injury to Daniel is a great prod to the reader to try to guess who did it.
      Really great scenes so far…i feel like we are winding up for some big reveals.

    • Hi Jan
      Just when you think you’ve got a grip….
      This was so intriguing and informative. Vivien’s a beauty, far beyond what we’ve imagined so far. We now see a different side of Robert and it’s pretty frightening, plus there’s a hint that Vivien recgonises what he might be up to.
      Grizelda is an amazing device for presenting a different take on what’s happening, I love her scenes.
      So – we’re poised for the ending and I can’t wait to read it. I’ve stopped guessing what will happen, I’m just going to enjoy the ride.
      If I may make bold, in the rewrite I think Jamie needs more of an airing all the way through, unless there’s a surprise waiting in the wings about him, plus Daniel isn’t seen much (think I’ve said this before).
      One thing I’ve realised – Griz doesn’t share her insights with Bess. Is this deliberate? I appreciate that the police officer may not be as open to this as we could wish. Does Grizelda confide in anyone?
      Hurry up final scenes!

  • Load More

Jan

Profile picture of Jan

@jandevries

Active 17 hours, 12 minutes ago
Short Story : 0
Poetry : 0
WTC : 0
52 Scenes : 46
Dialogue : 0
Flash Fiction : 0