fbpx
  • Thank you Peggy! When it comes to the big assembly and edit I think it might be a good idea to redistribute some of the descriptions. I had a lot here as I felt I didn’t have enough in the first two scenes (how we learn :))
    Yes, the FIL is one too watch and your intuition is absolutely on point.
    As Deryn also mentioned, I’ll build the dialogue…[Read more]

  • Hi Sudha,

    Well done on Nr 3! And a lot can certainly happen in a minute, especially in NY!

    This is getting interesting with the letters flashing on her screen and the paranoia it inspired. I liked the descriptions of the glows of computers in the empty offices and I loved the description of Nancy! In two sentences you pinned everything…[Read more]

  • *I pressed send again without finishing.. apologies.
    Appropriate for an ambitious and outspoken lady such as Faye.
    I’ve only one comment regardring the mysterious yellow envelope – as this scene flows seamlessly from the previous one this might not be relevant but perhaps consider at the start making a quick reference to it, as Faye’s…[Read more]

  • Hi Hanri,

    O wow! I loved this scene and how you did it, élégant descriptions and dialogue. It felt like I was sitting there at the table listening to them. The story is getting very interesting and I love the references to Alma’s challenges at home and her challenge now at work.
    I love the image of her brushing an imaginary hair off her a…[Read more]

  • Hi Anne,
    Wow, thank you! Many thanks for the kind words and comments. I’ve been focussing on description (a bit too much I think) and describing characters, what you tell me is very reassuring. Don’t worry about snarking Dan, you should save some for later! He changed for the better but before that he wasn’t a nice guy. We will be visiting…[Read more]

  • Thank you for reading and commenting me Deryn!
    Apologies for all the descriptions – I agree that these could be spaced more evenly in the first two and subsequent scenes. I also think it is a good idea to develop the dialogue of the conversation with the FIL. Initially I had wanted a quiet scene – I saw the old man sitting there in his study,…[Read more]

  • Hi Peggy,

    Well done on Nr 3! There was a lot of mouvement in this scene but at no point did I feel lost as the narration is fluid and easy.

    Benji surprised me with being so worried about the girl and he obviously likes her a lot (shown by the car racing off at the end) but then they don’ talk everyday… I thought Magera would argue more…[Read more]

  • Hi Anne,

    Well done on Nr 3! The scene read so easily – you have a very engaging and elegant narrative. The switches between dialogue and description and between the present and her morning are very smooth. The dialogue is excellent and convincing.
    These men are really giving the girl a hard time – and your characterisation of this is like…[Read more]

  • Hi Deryn,

    Well done on Nr 3! I enjoyed this scene and Fran’s courage to come out of the bathroom like that – it tells us a lot about her. I loved the little gems you had such as “cementing the relationship”, from “delightful companion” to “expert seducer”, “pin” and “swoosh” of the lift and the beautiful interior of the hotel!
    Also great work…[Read more]

  • La Rage – Scene 3 Sunday Evening by Jan

    #

    The Lexus’ headlights caught the road bicycle mounted on the left wall of the garage. The red fluorescent of its frame glittered as the garage doors rose. 

    Jamie ti […]

    • Hi Jan – well you have definitely left us on a cliff hanger… !
      There is LOTS of description of the house, location etc in here – feels a bit packed with some uncessesary detail that you could show us later and not tell us now, whilst still illustrating that Dan is a lover of good things and the high life – we saw that in the first couple of scenes. I would also have liked to hear the conversation (maybe without all the medical details) of the convo between Jamie and his father in law. You tell us the FIL is always waiting for THAT call that his fast and furious son has had an accident or worse, so maybe show the relief in the phonve convo and how he tries to calm Jamie who now lets the flood of emotion out. Still a page turner, tho!!

      • Thank you for reading and commenting me Deryn!
        Apologies for all the descriptions – I agree that these could be spaced more evenly in the first two and subsequent scenes. I also think it is a good idea to develop the dialogue of the conversation with the FIL. Initially I had wanted a quiet scene – I saw the old man sitting there in his study, talking on the phone, but not hearing what he is saying, but now I think I want to take a closer look over his shoulder and listen in. Thank you!

    • Hi Jan
      I really loved the way you conveyed Jamie’s emotional state in the opening lines, so much given to us in very few words. Dr McCrae was well-drawn, both physically and his character, and I’m even warming to Dan now that I know how much he loves Jamie. I’ll stop snarking about him.
      The description of the opulence of their material wealth has now been well-demonstrated and I’d love to hear more about their early relationship with all the bumps and problems to give me a more rounded picture of what they’re like. I may be warming to Dan but he’s still a rich kid with attitude, can I see what’s beneath all tha?
      Dr M’s river of unhappy memories is intriguing and the line “No matter how hard he swam, the shore never got closer” is heart-rending. Whatever happened to run this deep?
      You’ve set up a good mystery – is it Dan’s or Dr M’s actions that have led to the threat “your son will be first”. What was Dan’s accident and does Jamie know about it? Looking forward to finding out….

      • Hi Anne,
        Wow, thank you! Many thanks for the kind words and comments. I’ve been focussing on description (a bit too much I think) and describing characters, what you tell me is very reassuring. Don’t worry about snarking Dan, you should save some for later! He changed for the better but before that he wasn’t a nice guy. We will be visiting their early days and Dr M’s burdens also – he is one to watch.
        Thank you for following the story 🙂

    • Hi Jan,
      Please don’t apologize for the great descriptions! I found that it helped anchor me to the story and especially the characters, their motivations and their backstory. It’s amazing how much you are able to convey about a person by seeing where they live and why they chose to live there, and you’ve done that very well with this scene.
      The FIL seems almost too good to be true, his interest and acceptance of Jamie, joining him on bike rides – It almost felt like he might be attracted to his future SIL, but perhaps he’s just relieved his wild son has a partner that calms him down.
      I would have liked to hear the conversation where Jamie relays the news of Dan’s hospitalization – “that call” that Robert always feared would come one day.
      And the ending is the perfect cliff hanger, the kind that will keep me turning the page to know what comes next!

      • Thank you Peggy! When it comes to the big assembly and edit I think it might be a good idea to redistribute some of the descriptions. I had a lot here as I felt I didn’t have enough in the first two scenes (how we learn :))
        Yes, the FIL is one too watch and your intuition is absolutely on point.
        As Deryn also mentioned, I’ll build the dialogue of that scene for “that call”
        Thank you!

    • Hi Jan – goodness, “your son will be first” – that was freaky! Reminded me of a story my std 1 teacher told her impressionable class once which scared me so that I couldn’t sleep for days. It is still early in the story – you’re still setting it all up, and hence I think that descriptions of scenes and characters are perfectly appropriate. Were you to tone that down, you’ll have to tell us, your readers, about your scene and context and characters in different ways, e.g. through dialogue. So don’t worry too much about descriptions for now. You need them as placeholders, and we need them to visualise your setting. And your work is oh so visual.
      Already I’m wondering about your characters. About Dan: where is The Mother- I’m sure she must’ve something to do with his sense of entitlement, because it doesn’t seem to come from the father.
      Then about Jamie: it seems that with his choice for Dan he had actually sold himself out a bit (although it might take him the whole of the novel to realise this). It doesn’t seem as if he is marrying for love only. There is a lot lurking behind that innocent exterior… I’ll be watching out for the next instalment!

    • Hi Jan,
      I love your descriptions, always have, they’re lyrical really . So I can’t be objective about them, I certainl enjoyed them. The line ” let the arms of the night enfold him.” was beautiful and I thought that I would like that for myself. And this one, “all its unhappy memories, which seemed to stretch like a never-ending dark river deep into the night. ” These are powerful images and they capture my imagination.
      This sentence was a little confusing in terms of pronouns: “Jamie looked up to him, and in Dan he saw the potential of becoming something akin to the emperor-like Robert, if he so wanted. ” It seems that the he/ him refer to different people and I couldn’t sort it out.
      So, I ‘m with Anne. I’m not ready to give Dan a pass, Jamies still sounds too good for him, but I did like that Dan has conveyed the sincerity of his love forJamie and that Jamie knows that Dan gets joy from his posessions because he has someone to share them with.
      So maybe 2 points for Dan so far.
      Also, the FIL is certainly a little too involved in Jamie’s interests-that seemed strange.
      I love the cliff hanger, I exclaimed out lound when I read it.
      Looking forward to the next!

      PS. I would love to live in a house like Jamie and Dan’s

  • Hi Sudha,

    Many thanks for reading and for the detailed commentary – it is much appreciated and very helpful!
    Initially I had a doubt between which to use : spinal tap and lumbar puncture (punch is a typo apologies) but will go with the latter I think. Thank you for picking that up.
    I also agree with you and Hanri on the nurse’s dialogue, I’m…[Read more]

  • Hi Anne,
    Thank you for reading me and for the commentary – I really appreciate it! I wanted to slow down here a bit to show what was going on – I’m pleased that you picked up on the kind gestures and Dan’s sense of entitlement. I love the idea of a lovely sense of menace, that is exactly what I am trying to achieve! It’s going to be a lulu…[Read more]

  • Hi Deryn,
    Many thanks for reading and for the feedback. I realised that with the scenes – especially at the beginning – that I should take more time to describe things to properly orientate the readers in the story. I realise also that I blunder a lot, but isn’t that how we learn 😉
    I’m going to develop why they are together very soon as this…[Read more]

  • Hi Peggy,
    Many thanks for the read and for the feedback – as always (and I am not surprised) your intuition is spot on regarding Dan and Jamie. More is coming.
    Thank you also for the typos, this is very helpful (and my quest for zero defect continues ;-))
    La Rage does indeed translate as Rabies – I took this as a working title, as I’ve got…[Read more]

  • Hi Hanri,
    Many thanks for this – I had a doubt about your point 1 as I was writing, realising it is a general truth, big thank you for helping me out there! Now I also know for next time.
    Also, the observation about the nurse is on point, I am going to cut that part of the dialogue out and rewrite it where I have her perform a basic examination.…[Read more]

  • Hi Sudha,

    Well done on your second scene and for a very interesting development of of this plot!

    I look forward to where this is going and I like the details that you’ve given us here – their jobs, the lipsticks that mysteriously arrive in the mail and their unusual contents. What does the message mean? Where is Al? Why would he…[Read more]

  • Likewise, great to meet you! The pleasure is all mine.

    I undestant exaclty what you mean about balancing and being panicky about getting everything down. I feel the same and I worry that I will miss something or it will be sub standard and often I do. I’m also learning and sometimes I read some of the otherwriter’s stories and I think, wow, I…[Read more]

  • I see what you mean. At the same time you’ve done the sleazy part so well that it would be a shame to change that. If I think of anything I will let you know 😉

  • *I pressed send before finishing..
    This scene also reads like and opening scene as you have all the magic ingredients present, an unplanned meeting, an old friend, and a big messy problem. Beautifully executed.

    In particular what I liked was the backstory of the friends which was very expertly worked into the larger text.

    In the closing…[Read more]

  • Hi Hanri,
    Wow! I can only echo Sudha’s praise and in particular the work on the whatsapps!
    To which I would like to add that I wish I could come up with phrases like this: “You ever had the feeling you were climbing a ladder and when you get to the top you realise it’s leaning against the wrong wall?”
    This rea

  • Load More

Jan

Profile picture of Jan

@jandevries

Active 2 hours, 31 minutes ago
Short Story balance: 0
Poetry balance: 0
WTC balance: 0
52 Scenes balance: 1