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  • Aftermath

    Euan appeared to be in shock. All the chatter and light seemed to have gone out of him. He sat where he was told to sit while Solomon went in search of antiseptic cream and Magali told him to drink a […]

    • Really good scene. I liked all the interactions and even understood the legalities. Also ending it with the drama was excellent. I think you could make the interaction with Lucy a bit longer. Also euans reaction to Lucy’s appearance may also need a bit more dialogue. But it all flowed really well and the storyline was absorbing. Loved the bit .. to whom…says everything about magali.. It was all sharp and beautifully written.

  • Thank you. Ryan was one of those afterthoughts who might (accidentally) turn out to be quite important!

  • Thank you so much!
    I like the touch of describing how she moves, how she is with herself and feels in her own body, rather than necessarily adding precise colouring. Great tip, which I will use

  • I will add more in the rewrite, and think about colouring her in a bit more as and when the opportunity arises. (It’s not as if I’m in charge of deciding what goes where or anything!!)
    One of my all time favourite novels is Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. The heroine not only doesn’t have a first name, but we never get any physical description of…[Read more]

  • Totally agree with what has been said. A tense scene, well paced and good dialogue as always. You combine economy of description with a great sense of tension and drama. I can always see what’s going on, so reading your work is effortless. And I loved the touch of her two colleagues inadvertently coming to Breanna’s aid.

  • Such a powerful scene. Slowly slowly building, then erupting. I love the comparison with Beloved. You convey emotion economically but very powerfully. Poor tormented Annaliese.

  • I do hope it wasn’t Raymond – I have a soft spot for him. Great work of adding threads and building the mystery. Useful too to be reminded of other perspectives and not just David’s, though I do enjoy his POV.
    And a good reminder that Syd is a youngster – I think I’d pegged him as in his 50s, for no real reason. Good scene.

  • The Christmas party

    Time sped up towards the end of term. Having sent off as complete an account of Eralia’s history as they could, their focus turned to pressing assignments and assessments that filled the l […]

    • Well, not quite the Christmas party I was expecting! Great developments – full of action. I love the way it’s in Magali’s nature to tackle injustice head on. I think she’s going to be a great lawyer (or am I being naive?)
      I also loved the interlude with Ryan and your drily humorous turn of phrase (“albeit with the technicality of having to take it in turns to offer their ear to the other’s mouth”). The ‘magnetic intimacy’ moment was thrilling! I was so relieved that Ryan had slipped his business card into Magali’s bag.
      A really great, absorbing and well-balanced scene! Thanks.

    • This is a great scene and all the right ingredients for a Xmas party. Loved the shouting and intimacy with Ryan…. Possibly some action here ! . It was all at the right pace and read really easily.. like a novel ! Possibly missing a description of Magali’s hair as it’s the first time we really get a visual of her. I think you could give us more here as she was looking in the mirror and doing her make up… what colour. How does she see herself?. Does she think she is attractive? We can see Lucy clearly but I’m not sure if you will explain her actions and words. Is she shocked Euan is gay. Lots of great pieces for the jigsaw here

      • I will add more in the rewrite, and think about colouring her in a bit more as and when the opportunity arises. (It’s not as if I’m in charge of deciding what goes where or anything!!)
        One of my all time favourite novels is Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. The heroine not only doesn’t have a first name, but we never get any physical description of her, leaving me to imagine her perfectly!

    • Feisty Magali – I just adore her and I am very pleased with her meeting Ryan. There was something special between them from the word go.
      Graham’s comment about needing a description of her has made me inquisitive now and I realize I don’t have a clear image of her yet. Does she toss her hair over her shoulder or does she just fluff it up after a shower?
      I think because she is such a wonderful character, we want to see her.
      That’s great writing.
      See you next week.

      • Thank you so much!
        I like the touch of describing how she moves, how she is with herself and feels in her own body, rather than necessarily adding precise colouring. Great tip, which I will use

  • Love this scene, Graham. Great dynamics between the two siblings. I was initially wondering how a lawyer would have learned to shoot, but then reference to her past is enough of a clue.
    The tension is good, great pacing. Looking forward to next week.
    PS Read this on my laptop nursing a solitary coffee in a cafe 😉

  • Hurray for Daniel. Great scene. You portray her confusion and mixture of emotions really effectively. Her inner critic is entirely credible (and what a burden).
    The bashful shy dawning that someone admires her was very well drawn.
    Fingers crossed for her (yes I feel the need to root for her as if she were real, it’s so well written)

  • Totally gripping scene. You are a master at building tension with the barest smattering of action. You have done a great job of portraying George as the classic sexist breadwinner, evoking the era brilliantly. And the feelings of being squashed down, suppressed and irrelevant. I want to scream on Annaliese’s behalf
    Talking to Baby One and Georgie…[Read more]

  • So there is more to Raymond than meets the eye! So many questions to follow, and we’ll have to wait and see. The tension couldn’t be higher – well written, flowed really well. Great stuff

  • Always a worry, setting unintended consequences in motion.
    And as always, easy to visualise the conversations and action.
    I like the tension between the professor and the colonel, and the way this is so large scale and so intimate at the same time.

  • I agree with Patty. You are on a roll. The banter between the two friends is always superb. The MI5 plot is bubbling away nicely. And the Hadid thread is being plaited in enough to keep it fresh in our minds.
    PS I’d like Battersea power station – used to live down the road from it.

  • A Grand Night Out

    “Come, on,” Euan urged. “It’s the weekend and we need a change of scene. I don’t think we can do any more for the moment.”
    “You just want to check out the Grand now that you know it’s the […]

    • Very good. You are back on track with the bonding of three friends . Also the sub plot of the deportation works well. Plenty of excuse to get the legals in.
      I thought that perhaps Magali may have said something to the chap that kissed her and there would possiblyy be a description of his reaction?
      It all reads well and flowed off the page. Great stuff.

    • There is emotional movement in each of your scenes,Jacqie – you clearly know exactly what you’re doing and where you’re headed. If I absolutely must find something to crit, I’d suggest working even more dialogue in. Your dialogues are really good!

    • The trio has such a heartwarming relationship going, which you carry over to the reader beautifully.
      I can agree that you use a bit more dialogue – your dialogues are always superb.
      Love the way the story flows each week.
      See you next week.

    • I like the way you’ve threaded background about Eralia into this scene. Further development of the relationships amongst the three – again, the gentle, teasing humour between them. It flowed very smoothly.

  • Lovely mellow scene. I like this contemplative side of David. As the others have said, the backstory fleshes out their relationship, and both of them.
    I’m so slow – what a clever title.

  • Another great scene. Great twist, again. I literally did a double take at the note! All the threads are being plaited together expertly. Great timing, dialogue and suspense. Love it

  • Poor Evie, almost felt sorry for her, but not really. Very satisfying description of her faux pas and crash back to earth. Great friction between Steve and Evie. I worry Dan is going to be duped, or set up. Always so well written, the scene flows vividly. Great stuff

  • Masterfully told, again. Another piece of the Annaliese jigsaw. You portray an unhappy marriage to an unhappy man beautifully. I love the little touches eg women of my day did not argue. Another anchor to her age, her time. I also am enjoying how this has a new dimension with the ghosts. And the aching sadness and guilt of her loss and the…[Read more]

  • Superb. Lottie is feeling safer, and then, whoosh, away comes the rug from under her. I look forward to seeing how she tackles this.
    What an insane wedding!! You portray the grandeur and wealth very well.
    The threat of Hadid is great to flip the excitement of the wedding on its head; my only question (with apologies if you have previously…[Read more]

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Jacqie

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@jacqiek

Active 11 hours, 17 minutes ago
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