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  • Thanks for the feedback! I did choose ‘customer service’ intentionally, but there’s probably a better word. I’ve just been struck lately about community work like nursing, teaching, policing that do kinda boil down to customer service, but the phrase itself is clunky.

  • A shorty this week.
     
    Recap: Jane has been jailed for a few days on flimsy, circumstantial evidence of murder. She was int he middle of a conversation with Pete, who helped frame her by placing weapons (hand […]

    • Hey! Glad to see see’s out for now. I don’t know how I feel about feeling sympathy for the two cops, but I guess if they are not the real villains of the story… I was prepared to dislike them, and now I feel a little sympathetic to their plot in life as a cop. This line confused me a little / made me reread a few times: “It was customer service and empathy. It was emotion and heartbreaking.” It could be because all those are nouns except heartbreaking, but I also wasn’t sure about ‘customer service’. I did like the sentence after that about ordinary people! So true. 😉

      • Thanks for the feedback! I did choose ‘customer service’ intentionally, but there’s probably a better word. I’ve just been struck lately about community work like nursing, teaching, policing that do kinda boil down to customer service, but the phrase itself is clunky.

    • What a relief that she’s out and not so very shell-shocked any more.
      Loved this para: “As a kid, Johnson had believed being a police officer would feel systematic, rote and procedural … -> …. ordinary people who made poor choices.” This feels profound in the scheme of the story.
      I also think your amendments and additions will add a lot of value to the story – clever saves!
      Great work, Hannah!

  • Very nicely done Susanne, like the others I don’t have much feedback except that it was pleasant to read and you handled the emotions nicely. The conflict between the school girls is believable, and the way Bertha handled it was great.

  • Ah, I can’t wait to see what will happen with these two. Will it be them against the world? Or, will the cruel world hurt them both? Very lovely Hanri!

  • I’ve decided I’m going to add The Frozen River to my goodreads reading list at the end of the year, since it always feels so well-written and complete. Like Hanri mentioned, there are mulitple great lines with a good punch and I can’t wait to see what happens with Nic! I’m delighted, because I thought he’d flash to the future then flash back. Now,…[Read more]

  • These are very nice vignettes and work together really well. You round it out nicely with Martin looking at his reflection at the beginning and end. I feel so bad for Craig! He’s so likeable. I remembered the party scene/the intimacy, and understood the reference to Mira being disappointed about seeing Martin’s phsyical face. Though, I’ve…[Read more]

  • Great scene! A lot of nice action. Looks like a little POV slip up from 3rd to 1st person with Jeff in the first half. I really enjoyed learning about JR’s ability. I went from suspicious of him to trusting him and enjoyed that transition you created. The movement from JR using his ‘seeing’ ability to actually standing next to Abby was just a tad…[Read more]

  • I will enter three competitions this year.
    I will submit a short story every month even after receiving my first 12SS badge.
    I will attend the lesson every month.
    I will niche down into genre’s I haven’t […]

  • I knocked and knocked, but my dog refused to grow a thumb and unlock the door. I peered through the window. My puppy, Fellah, sat on the floor gazing into my eyes without acknowledging the stress of our […]

    • I loved this! Very entertaining and you have a lovely light touch to your writing. Loved the conclusion to a very original story.

    • Hi Hanna, love this story. Didn’t know you could write humor. I caught myself laughing at quite a few spots: the chewed down fingernail, the dog and the coffee grounds, broken credit card, just a new neighbor with poor hygiene, thinking he could steal her identity from the library card, and the misunderstand when he asked his dog to sit. Very clever little pockets of humor – what a joy to read. Very well done.

  • Notes: Jane has just retold her version of events from the death of her professor/lover’s wife, Mary Anne Lucas. As a reminder, Jane’s real name is LeAnne Ferguson, which she changed after the events that took […]

    • HI Hanna, this is such an interesting scene. The way Jane tries to reexamine her memories of the apartment tells me she has doen this before. I wonder if she’ll do it again and come up with an unexpected detail? Especially after that quote fromMark ou mentioned. Somehow I feel someone is trying to trick her memory… I really like this sentence: “if you manage to lobotomize painful memories, they have nowhere to go; there are just memories floating around untethered in the recesses of your mind until a detective, or defense attorney, reel them in for their own purposes.”
      To end the scene with Pete and his unexpected statement is a real cliffhanger. I wonder why he comes to Jane with that…waiting for the next scene!

    • This sorting through her thoughts and feelings felt very realistic. Great job making her a sympathetic character who could articulate her feelings to herself clearly. I like it! I’m getting interested in where Erica is, since it has been mentioned a couple times since her incarceration. Some things I thought would be interesting to add to this section would be her experience with guards, showers, food, phones, etc. since this is her first time in jail!

    • Hi, Hanna OH – the plot thickens. Good suspense building. When I read your scenes, they go so quickly. I don’t think I read them any faster that the others, but it is so easy to read and has me intrigued the whole time. Very well written. this would be a book I wouldn’t want to put down. Bit confused about the pendant. Wasn’t it stolen when she looked into the wooden box? Better go back and reread to make sure. thanks again for a fun read.

    • Hi Hannah,
      I’m reading your last two scenes in quick succession, so just a short note here:
      “But, laying on the cot without no one to hold me except my own arms, I sobbed.” – there’s a double negative in this sentence (without no one) and I’m highlighting it only because I think you can make something special out of it.
      E.g. it might have been a particular trait of LeAnne, that Jane had to unlearn. But when she’s alone with herself, or when she’s unguarded, that little peculiarity could slip out… What do you think? It might make for some interesting reveals down the line…

  • What are a few of the books begging to be read? I need ideas.

  • These are great goals! They’re concrete and doable, I might steal a few.

  • Nice, I love seeing full-fledged agent Kai. You’re doing a great job building the conflict and making things so engaging I’m anticipating the next scene. I’m glad that Kai hasn’t instantly trusted him either, ie that she’s claiming to be tracking his phone and getting the time machine without his helpn. A bit of backstabbing feels refreshing somehow.

  • I didn’t see this coming and I don’t like it. But! It makes for a great plot and very interesting, also since it’s time travel I’m hoping Aran’s death can be avoided. I don’t have any comments on the writing, I’m just enjoying it as a reader 😀

  • I think it works, because it’s confusing and relatable for people to mistake the 20th and 21st. And the terseness of it makes it humorous. Maybe instead of “Was that right?” Nic could say, “Did I get the date right?”

  • I love the cadence between scenes, last scene we had Bettina and her teacher and Bettina pointing out Texas. Here, it’s all Morgan. I agree with Hanri about perhaps some letter writing coming in the future? I’m also enjoying the ‘little things’, like the poster Morgan wakes up to everyday. How could she not be completely submersed in her memories…[Read more]

  • That’s great insight on the plot! Good catch

  • I’m sorry I’ve fallen behind Susanne! I thought I read this already. Anyways, I love the last line of Bettina believing she’d been ‘paid’ rather than bullied or coerced! She has such a great personality and I look forward to seeing her out and about in the world more.

  • Hi Sharon! I like the setting change and possibility for new conflicts. During rewrite, I might suggest keeping an eye on the passive voice – there’s a few opportunities here for you to expand/show like “Abby was fascinated with everything” could be “Abby played with the reclining seat. She opened and close the plastic window plane.” I’m also very…[Read more]

  • I got caught up today and the continuity between scenes and chapters feels well-thought out and natural. I’m enjoying Daniel more and more with every scene, he’s a great counterpart for Rebecca – two intrinsically good humans doing their best. Then, the cast of characters around the two of them really makes for interesting conflict, particularly…[Read more]

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hanna.jh

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