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    Sophia enjoyed the mixed aroma of multicolour flowers that filled her lungs as she took a long […]

    • Hi Bogdana. This is an interesting insight to a culture I don’t know anything about. Once again you have created some colourful images and I love this expression: ‘And you have the nerve to show your face still! You wantonness!’ ‘You wantonness’ is not something I’ve ever heard anyone say to another, but it works in your story. Although I tried to overlook the grammar errors this time, you do need to read back over the piece and try and correct them as they are glaring and do tend to detract from the allure of the story. Thanks for sharing another colourful piece.

      • Hello June!
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. 🙂
        I’m very happy you enjoyed the story. 🙂
        I imagined a village from the 19th century. Back then the Ottoman Empire was on its way to collapse but the traditions stayed around until the 1920-1930, and even later.
        Thank you for pointing it out. I barley made it on time to upload, so I guessed that not sleeping didn’t do for a good edit of the story.

    • Hello Bogdana!
      I feel so sorry for Sophia; all she did wrong was be kind and happy. I liked how you showed all the envy hidden behind ‘not following social rules’ excuses.
      I believe you meant “farmers” when you wrote “framers”, right? Please check.
      I loved the sentence: “a worm of doubt was gnarling at Sophia’s soul”! It’s a brilliant analogy.
      Great job. Thanks for sharing.

      • Hello Zéfira,
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. 🙂
        Yes, it should be farmers.
        I am glad you liked it. 🙂

    • I loved this story. Rich in culture, character and emotion. The ending should change in my opinion. It shouldn’t end with Bozhana. Sophia is our protagonist, so it should end with her. You have very colourful story here.

      • Hello Henri,

        Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story. 🙂
        I was wondering a bit about the end, so thank you for this point.
        I am very glad you liked my story. 🙂

  • Something old, something new. Aed rummaged in the curio cabinet, shuffling potions and bits and pieces of spell work aside, not really looking for anything. He came across a twist of pipe weed and abandoned his […]

    • You’ve created a rich world with strong and interesting characters. Some really great images: “she rumbled a comforting purr beneath his fingers” and “I’ve never paid more than five goat’s eyes” for example. I did find the change of POV very slightly disorienting – from Aed, to Gridizig and finally for a short while to Mirabel. That may partly have been why I wasn’t sure who “the witch” was from Mirabel’s point of view in the second last sentence. The sense suggests Gridizig, yet he was addressed as a troll earlier. Sorry, though, if I’m being dense. Leaving that aside, I was captivated by the story. It feels like there’s definitely more to come. I can’t wait!

    • Thanks, Barbara. Yes, it’s a little rough–in the final version, I’ll do a better job of making those transitions. Ran out of time and words 🙂 So glad you enjoyed it!

    • Hi Sorchia,
      An interesting world where the rules become clear quickly. I had difficulty figuring out who the “witch” was in the second part until I figured out that you were speaking about Aed. And we see that Gridizig sizes up the situation quite quickly. I didn’t know that Mirabel was interested in Aed as a partner, but she certainly didn’t object when Gridizig said “half breed”.
      Fun story with the details of the pentacle, the spells, the ugly earl etc.
      I liked this world that you set up.

    • Hi Sorchia Another amazing story! Really enjoyed how you developed the plot slowly showing us what happens so we can piece it together. Love your fantasy world!

  • Bogdana and Profile picture of IsabellaIsabella are now friends 2 weeks, 4 days ago

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    It was a distant sound that seemed to get louder and louder. My phone vibrated itself off the […]

    • Hi Bogdana!
      What a pleasant surprise this story was. I loved the plot twist.
      I also enjoyed the complete change of tone; the beginning was gloomy, and then, after the V- 1996 appeared, everything became new and exciting.
      Her mother was so caring and thoughtful; it was beautiful to see the hope for better days ahead her mother created through this last gift.
      My guess is that they will live happily ever after.
      You have such a vivid imagination and are a wonderful storyteller. Thanks for sharing.

      • Hello Zéfira,
        Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story.
        I am very glad you enjoyed it. Also, very glad you have such a high opinion of me, as a story teller, as I love writing and storytelling. 🙂
        This one comes from a very dark and gloomy story I have yet to write. I gave it a try a couple of years ago but I didn’t work out as I wanted it to. Maybe I’ll try again sometime.

        • Please do try again sometime soon! I’m sure you’ll find the tone you want. I’d love to read a novel out of this short story. It would be fantastic! 🙂

    • Hi Bogdana – what an intriguing idea – it kept me racing to the end (although I was a little distracted by a few typos). I wonder how it’ll all play out! Thanks for sharing.

      • Hello Isabella,
        Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story.
        I am very glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
        It comes from a darker and much more gloomy story, which I still plan on writing, as it didn’t come out the way I wanted it the first time around.
        Still working on grammar, and I have a lot of work in that department still.

    • Hi Bogdana. Wow you certainly have a vivid imagination, and your story-telling is excellent. I loved this line: ‘My black mourning clothes were soaked with the grief and tears of the last few days’. It’s such a great way to illustrate sadness. There were quite a few places where your grammar let you down: ‘I sighted audibly.’ should be ‘I sighed’, and you don’t need the adverb ‘audibly’. It’s unnecessary because sighing can’t be anything other than audible. ‘the lawyer looked at me like he stated a mundane life fact.’ is a bit clumsy. ‘the lawyer looked at me as if he was stating a mundane fact’ is better. “Miss, Miss, sorry to interrupt, you but we need you decision until tomorrow.” should be ‘your (not you) decision by (not until) tomorrow’. I hope you don’t mind me pointing out these errors to you, but I do find they slow down the piece for me, as they are noticeable. I enjoyed this piece, Bogdana, and I’d love to know how your MC and her ‘romantic partner’ get on. Thank you for sharing.

      • Hello June,
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story.
        And I’m very happy you say that because usually I don’t think my ideas are that interesting.
        Yes, I have more work with grammar and should definitely leave more time for proofreading.
        Well, this piece comes from another one that is more dark in tone and I’m thinking of trying to write that one, but maybe more of this lighter world will come, as well.

    • Kim replied 3 weeks ago

      Hi Bogdana

      Great story, didnt forsee that she would actually go with her Mothers wishes and revive V1996 ( is that his ‘death’ year?? ). I think things are about to get hot and spicy for Mizzzzz Flowers 😉
      I also loved the phrase: her tear-soaked clothes -a unique description that captures her grief perfectly .
      Some syntax ,grammatical errors – I would suggest you buddy up with someone in the group (Seyi or June would be good people to approach ?) to proofread your work. It does detract from the flow of the story,as June says above.
      Well done

      • Hello Kim,
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story.
        Also, Thank you for suggesting a way for me to deal with my grammar problems. 🙂
        Well this came as a lighter continuation (maybe) of a more darker story I came up a while ago, and my inner voice told me I wanted this one to be a happy one.
        The V-1996 should be the year he was made and ‘put to sleep’, so yes to your question. I wanted the reader to feel that he is young, fresh-faced and naive, even though this story may as well be far into the future.

    • Hi Bogdana,
      I loved this. It’s my kind of genre. Very imaginative. A lot of thought has gone into the plot. It feels very original. What lets it down a bit, as others have said, are the little grammatical errors that can be seen. I know it’s difficult (I have this problem myself), but it would pay you dividends if you spent some time before you uploaded your story carefully editing it. You have powerful ideas which would read even better if you tried this. I love the variety in your writing. I can see the improvements over the past few months as you have gained confidence. Thanks for a great read.

      • Hello Maria,
        Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story.
        Also, Thank you for telling me positive things about my storytelling and ideas, because I usually don’t think my ideas are that good. But I love writing snd telling stories. 🙂
        I am very happy you enjoyed my story. 🙂
        Yes, especially my last few stories were written in the last possible moment, so I should leave more time for proofreading.

    • Hi Bogdana,

      I note your writing is improving as time marches on. Well done you.
      This is dark and foreboding.

      A few small observations, perhaps providing food for thought.
      Referring to the last line in the first part of the story, it’s unusual for anyone to say “It would be perfect”.
      Given the character has more to say. He would most probably only say 1 word, “perfect”.
      Then follow on with the remainder of what he has to say.

      Nice line “My black mourning clothes were soaked with the grief”.

      If you follow the order of events in this sentence, “The secretary jumped out of her place, as soon as, I entered the office.”
      The order of events might flow better if re-ordered such as “As soon as I entered the office, the secretary jumped out of her place,”
      I mean the character enters first causing the secretary to react. Just a thought.

      This sentence is not quite correct,”…we need you decision until tomorrow.”
      Do you mean “we need your decision before tomorrow” or “we don’t need your decision until tomorrow.”
      Either way, I hope you understand and picking up these small points help you to improve your story.

      This is an unexpected story. I wish you well with it.

      Keep writing.

      Cheers,
      Paul

      • Hello Paul,
        Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story. 🙂
        Thank you for the pointers. They make a lot of sense, and it’s about time I leave more time for editing before posting.
        I am very glad you liked my story and really happy my writing is improving. 🙂
        I hope I never have a pause in my writing again, let alone so long (3 years), as last time.

    • Haha – loved the gentle ‘glide’ through all the emotions – bewilderment, sadness, humour, contentment … Really loved the gentle humour running through the fantasy element and it was great that you kept the suspense right until the end. We never had an inkling of exactly how this was going to turn out! Thoroughly enjoyed this story x

      • Hello Ruth,
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. 🙂
        I am very happy you liked the story. 🙂

  • I hated the little bastard as soon as I laid eyes on him. Nine years ago, he’d been a sickly baby who screamed nonstop through the christening and peed on the priest. That was pretty funny—I hated him any […]

    • Hi Sorchia,
      Oh wow! I’ve waited hours to read your piece and I wasn’t disappointed. It was a really great, darkly humorous story. I loved it. Great build-up and a wonderful last line. Thanks for a very entertaining read.

    • This was such a great read! Thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed the nasty descriptions of the brother and the tension between their two personalities. I like the ambiguous ending, and it left me wanting more – to know for sure what happens and if Aloysius ends up double-crossing the old brother. Thanks again!

    • Oh this is dark! Deliciously so! The two children being brought together for greed is so scary but amazing. Absolutely chilling but still so witty, Sorchia!

    • Sorchia – Awesome story, thanks for sharing! Is it weird I am rooting for the two psychopaths and want to know what next adventure they get into?! Love the descriptions in the beginning and throughout! Feel free to critique mine, I’d love some feedback! Well done all around! – Matt

    • Thanks, Maria! Sorry for the slow reply. I’m so happy you liked it.

  • Sorchia started taking the course 30 Days of Dialogue 2 months ago

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  • Image: https://unsplash.com/photos/nXo2ZsKHTHg?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink

    “They saw her yesterday. Down at the bay.”

    Danny was just finishing covering himself in the bla […]

    • Hi Bogdana. Once again you’ve created a strange, magical story. Your images are vivid and your dialogue is excellent (apart from a few small grammatical errors). I did get a bit confused about who was actually talking in some places, so maybe a bit of ‘he said’ or ‘she said’ would help, especially in the dialogue at the end. Well done.

      • Hello June!

        Thank you gir reading and commenting on my story.
        Thank you for the ponters. 🙂
        I am so sorry for being so late with my reply but life happened.
        I am glad you enjoyed the story . 🙂

    • Hi Bogdana,
      What a great, unusual story. Clearly there’s a backstory between Danny and the goddess. From – I’ll try and understand down to Just remember IT’S NOT ONLY ABOUT YOU there are no more quotation marks, did you do this for a reason? The story was very evocative. I enjoyed reading it.

      • Hello Elaine!

        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story.
        I wrote during the day, while being on vacation and going out, then during the night I had to write additional passages, as I didn’t have enough words, then tried to edit a bit and, seemingly, I lost track of some things there, including the quotation marks.
        I am so sorry for being so late with my reply but life happened.
        I am glad you got the idea and enjoyed the story, because I was really experimenting here. 🙂

    • Hi Bogdana,
      I liked the tension and mystery you built through realistic dialogues contrasting with fantastic inexplicable events.
      Your fantasy story brought a strong hidden message: we humans are very fragile. Despite the thought we are in control, reality shows we are not. I couldn’t help but to relate the goddess with nature.
      Minor correction: in the first part, I believe you forgot some quotation marks in the dialogue. Please have a look.
      I ended up wondering what happened to Danny and how this story started. Do you plan to continue? It would be a fantastic plot for a fantasy book.
      Thanks for sharing. Keep it up! 🙂

      • Hello Zefira!

        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story.
        I wrote during the day, while being on vacation and going out, then during the night I had to write additional passages, as I didn’t have enough words, then tried to edit a bit and, seemingly, I lost track of some things there, including the quotation marks.
        This idea came to after reading “The Song of Achilles” and having a friend visit at said vacation – so he is Danny.
        Thank you for the idea, I wish the story was more clearer and detailed so I may continue or prequel it, tough I never even imagined I could write in such a genre, but we’ll see. 🙂
        I am so sorry for being so late with my reply but life happened.
        I am glad you got the idea and enjoyed the story, because I was really experimenting here. 🙂

        • You have a wonderful imagination, Bogdana. The experimentation worked really well! 🙂
          I’m curious about “The Song of Achilles”. Despite knowing about Achilles’ tale, but never read anything about him.
          I have no problem with late replies. Take your time. 🙂

          • Thank you so much, Zéfira. I usually don’t see it like that, so hearing (well, reading) it, means a lot. 🙂
            It was a good book, because Madeline Miller teaches Homer and literature from that time period, so she knows many details and hypothesis about those texts. Also, it’s from the viewpoint of Patroclus, which was always a very interesting character, to me.

    • Hi Bogdana,
      This was a great story. I won’t harp on about the dialogue punctuation/ spelling errors as they have already been mentioned. It was beautifully descriptive. If I was to give o word to it , that would be BIG. It’s a grand story with the different actions on the environment anf the people. I loved it. Thank you for such a majestic read.

      • Hello Maria,
        Tank you for reading and commenting on my story.
        I very happy you enjoyed it.
        Maybe it would be suited better for a bigger wor count or some prequel story, but I still have to figure that out.

  • Oleander, castor beans, wolf’s bane, angel’s trumpet, belladonna, mugwort. Moonlight cast wavering shadows across the garden. A breeze rustled the leaves and petals. Far below, city traffic rumbled even at thi […]

    • I enjoyed this other world and its interesting inhabitants. Very entertaining.

    • Really enjoyed the read, great fun and well written

    • Hi Sorchia, this was a fun read, well done. I enjoyed the light-heartedness and humour with which these characters approach such a “serious” problem. I also like the way you bring out their humanness despite the magical setting their attraction to each other distracts them from the problem at hand.
      One thing I was wondering: If Zandor did not believe in “magic,” why did he suspect that an elemental was bothering him? I’m guessing Winnie told him, or whoever convinced him to go see her.
      I loved the setting of the rooftop garden with all the poisonous plants, very imaginitive!
      Your dialogue felt natural and convincing. I enjoyed this! 😉

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    The train was pulling through the emerald cloak of the summer mountain. Thudump-thudump, the […]

    • Lovely descriptive work. Can feel the movement and see the people in the train as you have described them. I am not entirely clear on what happened at the end except that she left the train and could now see it leaving her behind.

      • Hello Catherine,

        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it!
        I wanted to experiment with a strange ending – her transforming into a bird and escaping everything – just to see how it works (like in Gogol’s “Nose” the nose just has his own life all of a sudden).

    • Bogdana – Thanks for sharing this submission! Incredible descriptions. This gives the reader a clear picture of the MC. Is the MC trying to get away from something? Running? Moving to a new city? Would love to know more! Thanks! Feel free to critique my July submission as well! – Matt

      • Hello Matt,

        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it!
        She is having a life crisis and I wanted some strange, maybe unexpected, escape for her – so I just went for something kind of weird – her transforming into a bird and being left on a tree branch somewhere.
        I’ll surely read your story, of course. 🙂

    • Hi Bogdana I adore train travel and am glad the MC found some peace in the rhythm of the journey in the end , and the joy of the countryside passing by. Lovely imagery – I could feel the tension of your MC ebb away. Well done.

      • Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it!

    • Hi Bogdana!
      Wow, I loved this!
      The opening and ending sentences with the “emerald cloak” were brilliant.
      Your imagery takes the reader into the story; it’s so vivid.
      I liked the dream-like touch in this piece; it seems to me that in the end, the MC became one of the wild creatures she saw through the window.
      Excellent work. Thanks for sharing it.

      • Hello Zéfira,

        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it!
        Yes, that’s right, I wanted somewhat of an unexpected and strange ending. Glad, it translates when reading, at least a bit. 🙂

    • The emerald cloak of the mountain is a lovely magical image to begin and end your story. I like the unusual way you describe the sound and movement of the train. I like the contrast between the banal and somewhat negative conversation between the two women and the conductor checking tickets, which brings on the MC’s own negative thoughts and feeling of being trapped, and the change of mood that is wrought by the young joyful people playing guitar and singing. Suddenly the MC is in a different mindset, free and happy and, perhaps, in a dream state? Or maybe in a magical existence?

      • Hello Pam,
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it!
        I wanted a weird ending, so I decided on a transformation of the MC into a bird, without explanation. Just tried to flex my creative muscles in a way I normally wouldn’t have. I didn’t have a concrete ending and the idea hit me that it could be something strange like Gogol’s “Nose”, where the nose gets a life if its own.

    • Hi Bogdana,
      That was one heck of a story! You capture so much in such few words. The ‘panic attack waiting behind the surface of her breasts’ that line was my favourite. Your imagery is resplendent and I could feel I am on the train with her. Awesome writing! Thank you for sharing!

    • Beautiful images, Bogdana. I could visualise everything your MC saw and hear everything he/she heard. The strange ending threw me for a bit, as I couldn’t work out if your MC had fallen out of the train window and was hanging from a branch. Then I realised you had used a bit of magic-realism, and it all slotted into place. Well done, and thank you for sharing.

    • You create a memorable MC very quickly, and I found myself rooting for her. You have a wonderful eye for imagery, too. Nicely done!

    • Eish, Bogdana, that ending is perfect. I didn’t think your narrator escaped as a bird, as I now understand you intended. I thought of her escape as that of her spirit self but the bird ‘explanation’ is better. I really enjoyed your descriptions, even those I did not quite understand like the concept of a ‘summer mountain.’ Well done with this, your writing here is wonderfully easy to connect and find meaning with. Great picture to accompany the piece as well! Best regards, Seyi

      • Hello Seyi,
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        Well “summer mountain” is, maybe, too local – as we have four seasons around here, when I travel by train you can really see the difference in the way the hills look, because of the train route. But summer and winter are very distinct, autumn and spring are quite interesting to observe because of the changing colours and the fog “climbing” the mountain.
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it!

    • Hi Bogdana,
      there is something so sweetly lyrical to this piece of writing. It covers the menace which is lurking underneath the surface, but we get glimpses of it.
      Are you on the poetry side of the site as well? You should be! 🙂
      Best wishes

      • Hello Hanri,
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        No, I am not. Although I had poetry classes in my Creative Writing MA, I have never thought I could be good at creating poems. Thank you for your comment, it really pleasantly surprised me.
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it!

    • Hi Bogdana, I agree with Hanri, you would fit right in on the poetry page (if you are not there yet). You have scattered this short story with many beautiful descriptions. I have to say at the end I thought I must have got it wrong and that the MC was a bird all along, watching the train go by. But then I read your responses and saw you had created a magical ending. Perfect for a short story. Really enjoyed it.

      • Hello June,
        No, I am not, because, quite frankly, I never imagined I could write poetry, at all. Thank you for a pleasant surprise. 🙂
        Glad the ending makes sense, as I really wanted to try something, at least a little bit, strange.
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it!

    • Hi Bogdana
      I agree that your language and imagery in this piece is so seductive and beautiful, especially your personifications. You also create such a fluid sense of movement, and the end followed through with that so well. Such a lovely piece, with so much more to explore if you wanted to. Well done xxx

      • Hello Chantel,
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        I would love to tell more, because it came as a bigger idea that I distilled.
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it!

    • You have created such lovely imagery in this piece. It just carries the reader away and into the scene. I could feel her frustration and despair, but I’ll confess I didn’t quite understand she had become a bird as she escaped. Thanks for explaining that

      • Hello Christy,
        Thank you for reading and commenting on my story! 🙂
        I hoped that the “singing on a branch” phrase translated the idea of her transforming into a bird, but it seems it needs more work.
        I’m really happy you enjoyed it! 🙂

    • Hi Bogdana,
      I enjoyed this. There were some beautifully descriptive sentences. I could feel the oppressive atmosphere on the train contrasting with the beauty outside. I did get the ending and her freedom as a bird. Clever😎. Thank you for an impressive read.

      • Hello Maria,
        Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story.
        I’m very happy that you enjoyed the story, and even more, that you got the ending. 🙂

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Lee

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@enscriptor

Active 2 months ago
Short Story : 6
Poetry : 10
WTC : 0
52 Scenes : 0
Dialogue : 0
Flash Fiction : 0