Another wonderfully crafted scene – I especially enjoy the language. ‘Registered the ping of the lift,’ ‘swooshed up to the sixth floor,’ ‘delicious noises,’ ‘shed her clothes,’ ‘tangle of sheets,’ and ‘cloak and dagger turn’ are some of my favourites, though, I felt a bit cheated out of a fresh quip when you used the word ‘shed’ twice. The dialogue, pacing, and flow works rather well. That Fran didn’t stay in the bathroom, that she came out and held her own against Bernard, says a lot about her character – willful, fearless, doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks about her. The exchange of business cards lends to the efficient, methodical approach Fran and her suitor have towards romantic engagements, preparing us for the thought ‘Duncan who?’ later. Ambition before emotion, that’s Fran. The South Africanism ‘bru’ lent authenticity to the Duncan’s character. There’s plenty in this scene that makes me want to keep reading – I’m intrigued to find out how she handles her upcoming meeting with Lazslo, what secret Duncan is hiding, why Bernard is so condescending. Thanks for sharing, and good luck for the next scene!

Hi Deryn, what a delightful read! You have successfully contrasted Duncan and Laszlo and showed really well Fran’s inner conflict between career and love. The intrusion of Bernard is well-crafted and I am already speculatng whether they two men are lovers or not….I love Fran’s motto “Dignity at all times”! Thanks for sharing, I am looking forward to the next scene.

Hi Deryn, well it’s a gloomy, wet lockdown day here in the UK and I must say that Fran’s antics have cheered me up a treat. I’m really enjoying my trip out with Fran and love her ‘don’t mess with me’ persona. Especially in her funny reply to Bernard ‘she is the cat’s mother…’ All your characters are different from one another and have their own voice. Fran’s dilemma is going to get even more exciting I’m thinking, as she is definitely a man-magnet who’s trying to keep control and balance fun and ambition. I appreciate you letting us know that there are two scenes here. That’s a great idea, as in our finished novels, some scene will be shorter than others. As a reader I would have liked a bit more showing than telling (argghhh I know..) Your description of the hotel lobby’s furnishing …’ done in rich, vibrant colours,’ is a little generic, maybe pick one colour out and show us. Perhaps in the wall of modern art she spots one of Picasso’s famous nudes, one we all know the name of, that hints at what’s about to happen next as well as us seeing it. I am really annoyed with Duncan, what a rat. But am hoping he will be redeemed in the next scene. Who is Bernard, the spoilsport? I wondered if Duncan would really say, ‘Business is business. This was pure pleasure.’ That’s a very rude thing to say in front of Fran, even for a lothario. But that’s just my thoughts. The story is crackling along and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

This was so entertaining and the pacing was great, thanks Deryn! Poor Fran doesn’t know it, but I’m sure Duncan will be back. We need to know what Bernard has on him! And she also doesn’t know it, but I suspect Lazlo will at least tempt her to put himself in the way of her ambitions…
I was likewise caught by surprise by the line: “Business is business. This was pure pleasure.” Duncan flashed a look of something that looked like triumph at Fran. –Was the glance one of comradery with Fran, or an “you are merely my latest conquest”? might want to clarify he intent for the readers.
I’m impressed by your explicit use of action and reaction scenes. Well done!
-Becky

Great scene. Lots of nice touches to being it home. Fran is coming into her own as a three-dimensional character in this scene. Good jib on the steamy side and then the plot-thickening complications at the end. Rolling right along.

Hi Deryn, love it, love it, love it! Fran is such an awesome character. I love her boldness, her confidence, how she assumes herself so well and takes no prisoners. Her decision to come out of the bathroom had me floored (in a great way!) and I was in awe of how she just moves on and doesn’t feel sorry for herself as she leaves, she’s amazing! The pace in this scene was also perfect and there are just enough unanswered questions about Duncan to hint that we haven’t seen the last of him yet…
Cannot wait for the next scene! 🙂

Hi Deryn,

Well done on Nr 3! I enjoyed this scene and Fran’s courage to come out of the bathroom like that – it tells us a lot about her. I loved the little gems you had such as “cementing the relationship”, from “delightful companion” to “expert seducer”, “pin” and “swoosh” of the lift and the beautiful interior of the hotel!
Also great work on making the south-africanisms “bru” work for you (and there I wanted to write souf-africanisms – I know you know what I mean!)

A couple of observations –
1) he wants to give her his card, but she doesn’t have a chance to take it, and at the end nothing happens? I was surprised because he sort of stood up for Bernie but in the end backed down.
2) In the bathroom, I sort of missed her becoming impatient, and the tension heightening, before she does her walk of (not) shame. A suggestion here could be perhaps a glance at her watch, a meeting she cannot be late for because her sleezey colleague will do something, and then she opens the door. “Hi guys” and takes his card (if she wants to of course)

I hope this is helpful Deryn 🙂 Either way I’m enjoying this story a lot!

Well, Fran is not long on self-control. But faced with someone like Duncan, I guess it’s excusable.

Interesting that she decided to barge out of the bathroom. Given Duncan’s panic, a lot of people in her position might have stayed. Rather telling.

I was also curious about her giving Duncan her card twice. Not sure what to make of that.

I’m enjoying the physical description of the hotel. You have a nice ear for sounds as well. I wonder if some scent could be added–it is so evocative. But I certainly did not feel lost for lack of description.

I am swept along in the stream of the story. Keep it coming.