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  • Well, Fran is not long on self-control. But faced with someone like Duncan, I guess it’s excusable.

    Interesting that she decided to barge out of the bathroom. Given Duncan’s panic, a lot of people in her position might have stayed. Rather telling.

    I was also curious about her giving Duncan her card twice. Not sure what to make of that.…[Read more]

  • Intriguing story. I like the irony about the joking of the other officers and Barker’s indignation over the living arrangement. My only suggestion is that the part where Somers is reading the list to them. I’m not clear what the italics represent–quotes from the list? Emphasis? Hard for me to tell. And I think you have a different…[Read more]

  • Some very nice moments here. I especially like the scarf flapping like laughter. And the contrast between the happy time and the sad time is poignant. I’m a little afraid of what we’re going to find out about this family, but I feel good about Clarissa. At least at this point, she looks like making it.

  • So much for a reaction scene. Ha.

    There’s a lot going on here. Schemes within schemes.

    A sharp contrast between the idealistic setting and the gritty language from Nell. I’m beginning to guess why her mother chose her over her more imperious (yet weaker?) sister.

    I like the way we’re gradually learning more about Nell, her powers,…[Read more]

  • I enjoyed the shift in perspective. I think that the contrast between the two will draw out the emotions of each better than could either one alone. The realization at the end was especially well thought out. And I liked that she shared her joke with Karen. I’m interested to see where the relationship goes. Don’t think I’d change a thing.

  • I’m definitely rooting for Nell. As my wife would say, she’s a badass. Which is a good thing.

    I love your earlier comment about an open house where people just keep arriving. You’re right–it’s a little exhausting. Makes me glad that scene 3 is coming, in the hope that it is a reaction scene.

    I like science fiction, but I have a friend…[Read more]

  • We’re already seeing some twists. I’m very interested in the main characters. I can’t wait to see if Faya goes to the tournament. I have to say that I was a little let down that after all the anxiety over the Hell Knives, they disappeared without showing anything special. But I’m looking forward to the next installment. The story really…[Read more]

  • Thanks a lot for reading & for the comments. I guess I made some faulty assumptions about the hints I dropped about the time. I’ll have to look much harder at that. Again, thanks a lot!

  • The comment above was supposed to be a response to you. Not the first time I’ve done that. I’ll figure it out one of these days. Ha.

  • Thanks as always for reading and your comments. Great advice about the emotional detail. I will definitely give that some attention. Thanks again!

  • Changing the plot already! Wow, that’s awesome. I like the direction it’s taking. I’m not sure why Tom is wincing at the beginning of the scene. If it’s about her perfume, it seems a bit too far removed. But I like the budding competition. Aidan seems like a sleeper candidate for the article. Keep it coming.

  • Scene 2 by David Weimer

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    The travelers heading to and from the Yarden raised dust that hung over the road.  Yeshua endured it as he made his way to Al-Maghtas.  He had walked roads such as these all thirty y […]

    • Hi, David!
      Interesting change of scenery and new characters introduced. I was surprised to realize who they and where we stand in time, I think some 200 years back from the scene before. I’m very intrigued about what you’re planning to do. You are great at descriptions and evoking the senses with details. My main observation is to delve a bit more in the emotional journey of the character too, thinking what Mia said about scenes starting in one emotional place and ending in another. To let us know from Yeshua’s perspective what strong aspirations drive him, to make this long and tiresome journey to Al-Maghtas in seach for Yohanon, so we can feel with him perhaps first his disappointment at being turned down just as he arrived, and then his hope renewed. Great writing, looking up for more!

      • The comment above was supposed to be a response to you. Not the first time I’ve done that. I’ll figure it out one of these days. Ha.

    • Thanks as always for reading and your comments. Great advice about the emotional detail. I will definitely give that some attention. Thanks again!

  • You’re more than welcome. I look forward to the next scene.

  • Hi, Mia-
    Not sure how I got my response to Christa in your slot. Oh, well. BTW, the former buttons for “like” and “reply” have turned into giant symbols that do nothing now. Weird.

    Thanks for reading & for the comments. I agree. More explanation is required. I knew that even as I wrote it. I think dialogue may be my only choice.…[Read more]

  • Hi, Christa-
    Thanks for reading & for the comments. I agree. It has too many unexplained concepts and people in the opening. I’m working on the best way to bring it out.
    Thanks again!

  • Hi, Christa-
    Thanks for reading & for the comments. I agree. It has too many unexplained concepts and people in the opening. I’m working on the best way to bring it out.
    Thanks again!

  • Hi, Deryn-
    Thanks for reading & for the comments. I agree that it’s an awful lot of unfamiliar concepts. I’m trying to figure out the best way to bring it out. It may have to be through conversation–as I told Alma, and again without revealing too much, I would have to make up the content. Regardless, I agree that it needs more background.
    Thanks!

  • Hmm…maybe. I’ll think about it.

  • Alma and Profile picture of DavidDavid are now friends 1 week, 5 days ago

  • Certainly fast paced. I’d like to see more of what they have been to one another earlier. Did they practice together? He is “like a brother” to her. So what is the relationship? And what triggered her love of martial arts?

    Despite your fears, I think you did a good job of showing rather than telling. Keep it up.

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David

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