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  • Your tease certainly pulled me in. Kind of wish it had not been the unspoken question to the answer in the poem. Perhaps too different a tone for the more light-hearted tone of the poem itself, though. I enjoy the invented words & the light approach to the serious subject of losing our bees. I’ve always enjoyed the relationship, if one can…[Read more]

  • “Unnecessarily evolving” is an interesting concept. Almost sounds like the title of a scientific paper. Might be worth exploring further.

  • Thanks for reading & for your comment. As I told Deryn, I think that there are probably lots of right answers. When I chose the word “asylum,” I had in mind something other than our modern mental hospitals, someplace where dark, medieval practices still occurred. This isn’t exactly it, but it’s along that line of thought. (It’s also one of my…[Read more]

  • Thanks for reading & for your comment. I’ll try that next time. I did manage to edit it to add the space now.

  • Thanks for reading and commenting on it. And I can handle constructive criticism, so if you have suggestions, I’d love to see them.

  • The imagery is well chosen–stark, and evocative. I feel the distance you cover and almost long for the out provided the ignorant at the end.

  • I think I would say that there may be multiple “right” answers. 🙂 Thanks for reading it and for the comment.

  • Aching regret comes through. What I might have chosen doesn’t matter–it’s not my poem. The words you used established the mood I think you wanted. One small thing: “When you knew I was the one drowning too” seems self-contradictory–how can you be “the one drowning” and also be “drowning too”? Doesn’t “too” imply more than one? Just…[Read more]

  • The literal scope of a lightning bolt tearing the sky does not match the hand’s-breadth rending of clothes required by Keriah, but it matches the intensity of the grief. Personalizing the wind carries through the metaphor. Although I’m not a fan of semicolons, and might have omitted the simile, opting instead for a straight comparison (see…[Read more]

  • Thanks for reading & for your comment. I have written short stories & have a longer project in mind, but don’t really want to devote the time to that sort of project right now. Intriguing idea, though.

  • Why not, indeed. As you did, perhaps, in the second-to-last stanza? I learned a new word: flexitarian. Maybe that’s the hidden lesson. We all need to be more flexitarian.

  • Thanks for reading and commenting. Poetry is very personal–one of the most personal art forms, IMO. For both the writer & the reader. I’m glad that it spoke to you.

  • Thank you for reading & for your comments. I’ll give it some thought. One thing, though: when I posted it, the program removed a space I wanted to appear after “You.” Disappointing. But probably not of a lot of consequence.

  • Thanks for reading & commenting. I like ambiguity in poetry. The reader should do some of the work. 😉

  • An interesting image, but I’m not ready to comment on this yet. I have to think about it for a while.

  • A nice homage to Rilke. “A life scaffolded with unease” seems a bit awkward or stilted to me. I might have chosen something like “What I’ve built is an uneasy scaffolding,” but maybe that’s just me. Overall I like it.

  • The tease worked. “The whiskey cabinet calls” pulled me in. I was a little disappointed that it didn’t appear in the poem, but only a little. You convey the sense of self-deception very well.

  • The Query by David Weimer#What rough beast, its hour come round at last,Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?W.B. Yeats, The Second ComingThis is what happensWhen you leave the asylum door open.Something dark and […]

    • I love poetry that is subjective and open to interpretation. In the case of your poem, I love that it doesn’t specifically say whether the darkness slithered into or out of the asylum, and thus whether Me and You are inside or out as well! This is deep and ponderous and will stay with me for a while! Thanks for sharing!

    • this really has a mythical quality to it .

      loved, love the beginning! the slippery beast /the asylum door – such powerful ,evocative imagery – you start out really strong then towards the end – IMHO you loose a little of the imaginativeness with the me/you/it remains ending – it kinda deflates, if you know what I mean?

      still good ( but please reconsider your ending).

      • Thank you for reading & for your comments. I’ll give it some thought. One thing, though: when I posted it, the program removed a space I wanted to appear after “You.” Disappointing. But probably not of a lot of consequence.

    • Hi David,

      The imagery of this piece is quite evocative. The simple end, begs for answers to so many questions. The readers’ interpretation is nuanced; for the very thing that slithers could steal your soul. This is indeed special.

      • Thanks for reading and commenting. Poetry is very personal–one of the most personal art forms, IMO. For both the writer & the reader. I’m glad that it spoke to you.

    • Great, intense poem! Poems that go beyond the standard rule and tell a story rather than obey rules are my favorite! I would for this to turn into a short story!

      • Thanks for reading & for your comment. I have written short stories & have a longer project in mind, but don’t really want to devote the time to that sort of project right now. Intriguing idea, though.

    • Definitely one for the reader to mull over, but then there are no right or wrong answers in interpreting poetry.

      • I think I would say that there may be multiple “right” answers. 🙂 Thanks for reading it and for the comment.

    • Dark. Good word choices, and the poem flows, takes you along with the lapping water. Nicely done.

      • Thanks for reading and commenting on it. And I can handle constructive criticism, so if you have suggestions, I’d love to see them.

    • A hint on getting spaces where you want them for posting a poem – insert a full stop on the blank line and put it on the right hand margin. That way no-one can see it and it forces the space. Jane told me that when I was moaning about losing my verses and it works a treat.

      Your poem is full of dark dreamlike images, e.g.: ‘The walls, spinning past, unwinding’ – superb. It brought to mind someone drowning in their nightmare. Certainly a poem which provokes a lot of thought.

    • Hi David, I read this several times. Your imagery really do have a mesmerising quality to it. I was intrigued by your choice of the word “asylum” and wondered what you had in mind when you created those lines. I read this piece as the birth of a question to which one doesn’t really want to know the answer, but once it is out there – once it has been asked, it demands a resolution. Am I on the right track?

      • Thanks for reading & for your comment. As I told Deryn, I think that there are probably lots of right answers. When I chose the word “asylum,” I had in mind something other than our modern mental hospitals, someplace where dark, medieval practices still occurred. This isn’t exactly it, but it’s along that line of thought. (It’s also one of my favorite movies.)

  • I get a dream-like feel from this poem, which I like. Using the word “get” for “understand” seems out of place–the rest of the language is so much more formal. I’m interested to know where “count to seven” comes from. I’m used to counting to 3 (when someone’s in trouble) and counting to 10 (when someone needs to calm down). But it doesn’t…[Read more]

  • I like the twist on the prompt. And the personalization of the letter. I’m a bit confused by the line breaks. It doesn’t seem to be prose poetry, but the breaks seem random, the way they would be at the end of a line of prose. That said, the poem works for me. Nice job.

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David Weimer

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active 4 days, 20 hours ago