• Hi, Deryn-
    So Fran’s a little sheepish, is she? And well she might be! Looks like she’s going there whether she wants to or not.
    This seemed like kind of a long sentence to me: “By the time Fran got home after her day in the office where she too was drawing up the final project plan dates for Budapest as well as beginning her research into…[Read more]

  • Hi, Nina-
    I wasn’t familiar with this phrase – “going global” – but I like the sound of it.
    I’m glad Clarissa still has the seacock. I think she’s going to need it.
    So John wrote love letters to Magda. And she’s embarrassed that Jackson found them. I’m guessing she’s responsible for the hidey-hole–or at least for part of its contents. I…[Read more]

  • Hi, Anne-
    When Amy ran into a good-looking musician named Pete in Liverpool in the early 60s, I thought maybe we’d get to see something of Pete Best, the Beatles original drummer. (I understand that the lads tossed him out in part due to being the best looking and getting all the girls–which is why they picked Ringo to replace him. :-)…[Read more]

  • Hi, Mia-
    They say that death is something of an aphrodisiac. Survival of the species stuff, I guess. Glad that they got back together and truly bonded, even though the circumstances are regrettable.
    I think you could use some Oxford commas. But this sentence may have one too many commas: β€œWe have to stop, Bonair.” πŸ™‚
    I did not know that O…[Read more]

  • Hi, Rachel-
    In some ways, this may be the most moving scene of your story (so far). It is hard for a young one–or even an old one–to understand that the rule of law means that personal preferences in a given situation don’t enter the equation. It has to be the same rules for everyone or it’s no rules for anyone. But for a small child to…[Read more]

  • Hi, Christa-
    Please don’t apologize for your scene. I enjoyed it.
    Hmm, Seven Wolf doesn’t like owing things to people, but he agreed to teach Faya by way of apology. That feels like he thinks he owes her something. Not sure how that fits.
    I also wondered about him acting like he got shocked. I haven’t seen any signs that electricity is a…[Read more]

  • Hi, Preston-
    Introspective break within an introspection. Another very interesting turn.
    Me included? How did you know?
    I’m excited to see where this goes. I’m wondering if we’ll see more of this unknown narrator more of Preston, more of Etienne.
    Keep ’em coming.

  • Hi, Martin-
    Wow, what an ending. If that’s Laoise, I hope she’s okay.
    A couple of things. When you wrote, “But she need not have feared, for both items were both,” I hear Martin speaking, not Adele. Maybe something more like, “To her relief, both items were there.” And I think the final clause of, “but she was not sure of anything anymore,…[Read more]

  • Hi, Alma-
    Wow, this scene is great! You retained the parts that made is real, like Taylor’s sleep-giggling, and added so much more. The story of Seren is coming together, although there is still much to learn.
    A couple of things. I wondered whether “Lana’s bodyguard was behind me, tossing people on his way” should have been “tossing people o…[Read more]

  • Hi, Liz-
    Yes, I would say that Guy definitely learned that lesson!

  • Hi, Christian-
    Guy’s father was not amused or concerned, as far as I can tell. Just expressing paternal anger. Guy survived, obviously, but never wanted to be offered some more! πŸ™‚

  • I see what you did there!
    πŸ™‚

  • Hi, Christy-
    I’m glad you enjoyed it. (Actually, the photo is from Animal House & Kevin Bacon is the pledge being initiated.) Thanks for reading & for your comments!

  • Hi, Anne-
    I hate to blame the word limit, but I’m going to blame the word limit. I wound up with 3 spare words. Don’t think that would have given you much satisfaction on the pacing. πŸ™‚ I’ll address it in the rewrite.
    Good point about the rites & preparations for burial. I admit I didn’t even think of that. I’ll look into it. Thanks for…[Read more]

  • Welcome back!

  • Hi, Christy-
    The story is that Pericles had a misshapen head, that it resembled a sea onion, & that’s the reason he was always pictured wearing that helmet. (A sea onion, by the way, is also known as squill, which apparently has some medicinal value. That was me trying to bring it back to the beginning.
    Thanks for reading & commenting!

  • Hi, Nina-
    I was trying to revive the opening scene a bit, but show the growth of the characters as well.
    Yes, the Church is about to go into some turmoil. It isn’t pretty, but it may provide Theordorus with some guidance.
    Thanks for reading & commenting!

  • Hi, Wanda-
    Thanks for reading & the comments. He did stop. It was the knowledge that he’d had a first that got him into trouble. πŸ™‚

  • Yes, my poor Uncle Guy. His father was not known as a subtle man. πŸ™‚

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David

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@david-weimer

Active 16 hours, 49 minutes ago
Short Story : 0
Poetry : 10
WTC : 0
52 Scenes : 41
Dialogue : 0
Flash Fiction : 0