• Thank you, Christy. You’re quite right, it wasn’t working and I appreciate the feedback. It’s always helpful to know where a poem needs work.

  • Thank you, Christian! Yes, I agree with the comments on unbridled. I’ve changed it to vain, but now I’m liking the sound/flow of feeble… will work this one some more! I must admit I drafted it on deadline day during my toddler’s naptime! 😀 so it needs some refinement.

  • Thank you for your comment, Pam. The feedback re unbridled is helpful too. I had a different idea in mind when I initially drafted the poem, but as you pointed out, it went in another direction ito the mood. I changed the word to “vain vibration”. I’m not quite happy with this choice yet, but I’m going to play around some more to see what will work.

  • Thank you for reading and commenting, Neta!

  • This is lovely. Let’s start with the shape – I love a shape poem, even though it might be risky and overdone. But yours has meaning and works so well without being gaudy. The images carry this poem, each one feels so unique and well thought out. I also enjoyed the hint to mythology. This is very well executed, thanks for sharing, Christian.

  • Hello Pam. Another very enjoyable poem. I have to reiterate some of the other comments: this is a wonderful personification of winter. I enjoy the tension between the vividness of the witch who inhabits this space with ease, and how us mortals cannot, perhaps should not, enjoy the winter landscape without consequences. The specifics, like the…[Read more]

  • Your poem moved me very much, Sphiwe. The beginning is so strong – the word that is not sight but might. There is something very grounded about this one, even if the subject it abstract. perhaps it’s your combination of path and feet towards the end… I read it a couple of times and enjoyed it more each time. Thank you for sharing.

  • I love this poem, Debbie. And I like the title, it has a strangeness to it. It’s an oxymoron, I suppose. The speaker’s anxiety and “darkness” is captured so well through the imagery you chose. I also enjoyed the wordplay around the prompt: fade, gloom, rays of shade. Then the ray of light, the hopeful ending – it brings so much relief. Your po…[Read more]

  • This sounds very intriguing, I have to get back into the 12ss challenge to read your series 😀 the poem has an epic feel to it – the length, rhyme, and word choice add to this feeling. I’m interested to know – do you often write poems to accompany your short stories. I’ve done it a few times and it’s an interesting exercise! I’d love to know yo…[Read more]

  • The forgotten winter moth tremblesunseen on the unswept kitchen floor.Wing edges, where white scales grew likeice crystals on a moon-white beachduring the coldest night of the year,shredded and quite useless to […]

    • Hi Chantelle,
      Your piece speaks true to life’s trajectory. It is a captivating and real as the life we must live calls for us to become someone else. My favorite lines –
      ” it away with the cat hair, crumbs,
      and bad dreams.”

    • Hi Chantelle,
      I really like this poem. The first two lines drew me in and immediately engaged my emotions. There is something chilling about the poem, knowing the moth will not survive to fly again (or if it did, a cat’s claws would be waiting). The “never-dark and never-silent cities” is kind of creepy too, and leaves the impression of a ghostly other world. Great take on the prompt. Well done.
      The only thing I wondered about changing is the word ‘unbridled’ as it infers passion and power which the moth doesn’t have. ‘Trembles’ is a good word and I wonder if you can find an alternative word to unbridles to describe the vibration of a moth’s wings.

      • Thank you for your comment, Pam. The feedback re unbridled is helpful too. I had a different idea in mind when I initially drafted the poem, but as you pointed out, it went in another direction ito the mood. I changed the word to “vain vibration”. I’m not quite happy with this choice yet, but I’m going to play around some more to see what will work.

    • Hello Chantelle,
      Yours is a very intriguing and intricate poem, linking the winter moth with the unexpected waking in the night. The ‘delta of blood’ is brilliant. On Pam’s thoughts about unbridled – I think I agree. The winter moth is (here at least) very feeble. Wonderful poem.

      • Thank you, Christian! Yes, I agree with the comments on unbridled. I’ve changed it to vain, but now I’m liking the sound/flow of feeble… will work this one some more! I must admit I drafted it on deadline day during my toddler’s naptime! 😀 so it needs some refinement.

    • A very intriguing poem with vivid imagery. I like how the moth and winter and cold and dreams all entwine in your piece. I agree with others about ‘unbridled’. It stopped me in my tracks as I read, because it didn’t jive with the image that was created by the rest of your poem. Love the take on the prompt.

      • Thank you, Christy. You’re quite right, it wasn’t working and I appreciate the feedback. It’s always helpful to know where a poem needs work.

    • Beautiful and eerie poem Chantelle. Your words wake emotions and cause reflection in a deep way. The meaning of life and what it sums up to. I loved the imagery and your choice of words – like a delta of blood – and the questions they raised.

      I liked the ending on a more positive note of being able to sweep away the ‘nightmare’ and carry on as we do with the less enjoyable things that we encounter in our lives. We do find ways to move on.

      Great work and thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Chantelle. Your poetry and the visual images you create, are always so evocative. In this poem you’ve managed to create a whole story, just from the dying moth image. So well done. Thank you for sharing.

    • I must admit that I had to read this a few times to get to grips with its content, but I enjoyed the journey.
      The thing I keep coming back to is the three consecutive similes: they felt unrelated and disconnected – excessive even. Perhaps the nature of waking confusion under excessive heat?
      Your work is very evocative and I look forward to exploring more of it.

    • Hi Chantelle, I liked your poem a lot. I like that you began and ended with the winter moth. You had some lovely lines within, with beautiful word choice and imagery. A couple of my favourites:
      ice crystals on a moon-white beach
      pulsing through the never-dark never-silent
      cities,
      Well done Chantelle:)

    • Hi Chantelle. I really enjoyed this poem. Beautiful description of the moth and they way you connected it to the image of winter itself. And then swept it away like a bad dream! Like fears of mortality, they too can be swept away in the morning, or light of the street lamps.

  • Thank you, Christian 🙂

  • Thank you for reading, Pam. The ke-ke-ke sound is meant to mimic magpies – they often annoy the cats in our garden 🙂

  • Thanks, Jane. I decided to centre align the poem at the last minute and I’m glad I did. I think it adds to the flow and atmosphere- or I hope it does!

  • Thanks so much for you kind words, Marcena!

  • Thanks, Kim. Glad you like it. And also that the line breaks worked for this one!

  • That’s wonderful! Your research made such a difference to the final product 😊

  • I have to echo June here. This poem is delicious! The words are so rich and evocative. It’s magical and decadent without ever being pretentious. I like the mix of the spell and then the first person narration of the creature – the licorice darkness. This was a nice touch. I’m curious, where did you learn about all the ingredients? It feels ver…[Read more]

  • This is very good, Pam. You’ve captured all the emotions around the waiting room experience – the stress, anxiety, and frustration. And just how impersonal the experience can be! We’ve all been there… some lovely images too – I like the “corridor of doors” and “old grey cough”. I enjoyed reading this one, it’s well crafted.

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Chantelle

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@chantelle-turner

Active 3 weeks, 1 day ago
Short Story : 0
Poetry : 8
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Dialogue : 0
Flash Fiction : 0