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  • Claire commented on the post, FRAGILE by claire 1 year ago

    hello everyone that has taken the time in reading the short story. Apologies for not replying, but thank you for the feedback, much appreciated.. I’ve taken it on board hopefully to this month’s story.

  • FRAGILE by claire

    #

    People are always saying life is too short.

    Life is precise.

    Life is fragile.

    And you know something they are right.

    In life we start off not knowing anything and the support from our […]

    • I really enjoyed reading this. You set the tone so well and really told a good story. Thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Claire
      I enjoyed the details and descriptiveness. The best sentence of all “The staff are so busy doing the work they have to do that they don’t have time for us.” There is so much social negativity towards aged care workers, your sentence is insightful and the unfortunate truth.

      You need to work on your grammar, especially mid-sentence when you want to connect two ideas. A couple of examples:

      “And you know something they are right.” This demands some form of punctuation. You ask a question then provide the answer, so: ‘And you know something (?) They are right.’
      “Use the main streets and if you can’t get a taxi home…” There are two ideas in this sentence, that needs some punctuation to connect the two ideas: Use the main streets and if you can’t (,) get a taxi home…’

      I found there was far too much Claire telling us about these characters, rather than let the characters tell their stories (the dreaded show not tell). You give us a tantalising hint with the introduction of Sophie, however, Claire tells us about the good relationship between the women and announces Sophie’s pregnancy. I found myself wishing to see some of that relationship, and I wanted to witness Sophie’s excitement at her news, not just get told about it.

      Overall, I enjoyed this story. You have a nice easy reading style with plenty of room for improvement (who doesn’t?). Thank you for sharing

    • Claire,
      A good subject and story. The fragility of life and the almost unavoidable changes is universal.
      There are a few times where the verb choice is off and sometimes the punctuation is missing. That is enough to temporarily jar the reader out of the story.
      … Use the main streets and if you can’t, (missing a comma here) get a taxi home and we will pay for it if you had no money….
      These life skills were something Heather taught and shown (should be either had shown or showed) her two children …

    • Claire replied 1 year ago

      hello everyone that has taken the time in reading the short story. Apologies for not replying, but thank you for the feedback, much appreciated.. I’ve taken it on board hopefully to this month’s story.

  • Thank you for reading the short story. It was a difficult one to write as I couldn’t think of what to write. Everything I write is covid. With this story I wanted to show what its like as a teacher and changes had to be made. Its been difficult for the children a nd I do worry about their future.

  • Thank you for the comments. It was a hard one to write. I couldn’t be creative. Its been hard throughout lockdown as I feel that I’m relating to lockdown. Pleased with the way it’s gone this month on the story.

  • ENOUGH! by claire

    #

    “ENOUGH! bellowed Mr Patrick.

    “I know it’s your first day back at school after being away for so long, because of the covid 19. But there are break and lunch times to talk to your frien […]

    • Hi Claire – I had to read your story because we share the same name!!! Mr Patrick really did care about his learners, and you worked hard in your narration to show that. I also thought you’d captured some of the frustrations and shortcomings of the COVID lockdowns very well. Such damage done to so many learners, I fear. I did battle at times to know if words were thoughts or spoken by Mr Patrick, and some of your tenses got a bit muddled. But it was pleasing to read a story with a “happy ending” although we have to imagine that the video helped the learners to understand better and achieve higher grades. Thank you for sharing

      • Thank you for reading the short story. It was a difficult one to write as I couldn’t think of what to write. Everything I write is covid. With this story I wanted to show what its like as a teacher and changes had to be made. Its been difficult for the children a nd I do worry about their future.

    • This is so relevant to how COVID has crushed our souls. I agree with Clare’s recommendations of being more clear over who was talking and keeping your tenses consistent, but I also felt that this piece would be more immediate if it was in first person rather than third. I would love to hear his direct thoughts, his exhaustion and possibly a sarcasm first hand, and get even more invested in the emotional outcome. Thank you for this piece, validating how hard this past year has been on everyone.

      • Thank you for the comments. It was a hard one to write. I couldn’t be creative. Its been hard throughout lockdown as I feel that I’m relating to lockdown. Pleased with the way it’s gone this month on the story.

  • Thank you for the comments. Hopefully we are out soon and can resume to the new normal. It was nice to reflect on what we miss.

  • Thank you for your comments.

    We need a laugh now and again.

  • A lot of eve to happening within this months words limit but you did it. Well done. A lovely story to read.

  • What a lovely story about dragons being reborn. I love dragons and this was we written and I loved every paragraph. Thank you for sharing.

  • A moving story when you mentioned about this person not having friends and being new to the school. But the twist was the male character. It looks like she’s got a friend. A happy ending.

  • What a lovely story. A diary left to be found and what damage it can do. But if isha was to speak out say to her dad he wouldn’t believe her and she wouldn’t get all of her story out like she has done with the diary.

    Its beautifully written and I was interested from the off. Well done.

  • Oh my!Oh my god, its actually happened!Who would have thought the day would come. An announcement from our prime minister that lockdown 3.0 would be coming to an end. Our lives living like a prisoner would soon be […]

    • Laugh out loud funny, Claire. I’ve asked myself most of those questions. Not sure what Family guy is but I’m sure it’s just because I’m old. 🙂 Thanks for the giggles.

    • Thank you for your comments.

      We need a laugh now and again.

    • Very amusing tale Claire. It was great to read that others are thinking what has been going through my mind. Could we just wake up from the dream/nightmare please. You use humour well. I liked the title.

      The piece could do with another round of edits. Not sure if you’re a native English speaker or not. eg:
      for shouting out loud your welcome when I open the door for someone – should be you’re welcome.
      All these stuff being taken away – All these things/All this stuff

      Well done and thanks for sharing. I hope you get released soon.

    • Thank you for the comments. Hopefully we are out soon and can resume to the new normal. It was nice to reflect on what we miss.

  • Hi

    Thank you for your comments. Unfortunately I was hoping to edit but after having the covid jab it made me a bit under the weather.

    I’m glad to be back writing, takes your mind away from things for a while.

  • Hahaha children eh. There’s time you love them and times you just wish like in this story they just go to sleep so you can have rest time.

    It flow very nicely and builds up to the child falling sleep but it doesn’t matter how quiet you become they somehow wake up.

    For a first time on this website , I look forward to seeing more short stories.

  • Hi

    I was hooked in fron the beginning and it was a lovely short story to read. I like the way the underground works and what is down there and why its down there.

    Look forward to next month if it to follow on from this month.

  • What a lovely short story.

    I know during lockdown there has been some controlling relationships and I can imagine its hard. You’ve shown how the character when Frank goes to hospital can do what she likes without being told not too.

  • Hello,

    I was hooked from the beginning as it was a lovely short story to tell about the inside of a live stock. A bull can be mischievous. We had one in our city that left the farm and was not harming anyone but strolling through the industry estate.

    Thank you for sharing.

  • I’ve forgotten what freedom is.Its been that long since I’ve seen people, seen cars and seen the bottom of my road.As the song says: it’s been 7 hours and 15 days. Well how about we change it to its been 10 month […]

    • Hi Claire, I like what you did with the prompt, comparing COVID lockdown to being in prison, even suggesting that prison may be preferable since at least in prison there are others to communicate with.

      I like the way you built up the tension with the ex, describing his unusual behavior of locking himself in his room and being so non-communicative. It seemed fitting that he ended up with COVID, although I think a few sentences about where he might have gotten it from would be helpful, since it didn’t seem like he ever left.

      I was glad the MC finally discovered the ex’s true nature, and gave him the boot. I hope she finds the courage and the freedom she seeks.

      I noticed a few areas that will help with another round of edits, grammatical errors and such, but overall I enjoyed your story, and look forward to reading more of your work in future.

    • Hi

      Thank you for your comments. Unfortunately I was hoping to edit but after having the covid jab it made me a bit under the weather.

      I’m glad to be back writing, takes your mind away from things for a while.

    • This story captures well how in our own heads we become when in lockdown. It reveals the true nature of a person, I think. The ex probably could have gotten away with cheating during normal circumstances, and the speaker probably wouldn’t have time to list every possible passcode if she were able to leave the house. In the end, the extra time leads to empowerment, which is a silver lining. Good message.

  • Thank you for the lovely comment. It was very stressful getting one and I hope your son gets one very soon. It’s very good. I won’t spoil the astrobots, but I love the game.

  • Thank you for the lovely comments. It was very stressful. I was off due to self isolation. I got lucky. If I didn’t get one then I would have waited I think to February when the other batch would be out.

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Claire

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@burclaire21

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