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  • Hi Rachel,

    Finally, I was waiting to know about David. This was such an intense emotionally packed scene. I applaud how you have handled the sentiments of each and every character. I got some idea about Kate as a person. One might feel that she is a little condescending maybe because of her background. But I admired her resilience and ability…[Read more]

  • Hi Astrid,

    This scene was a refreshing intervention between the grisly murder investigation and the despondent mood Sage is in. By the way, I think that this is the first time I noticed Sage’s first name. I really liked Sue. She is Sage’s ex-wife, right? She seems like a nice person but like Marnie, I want to know what exactly went wrong with…[Read more]

  • Hi Astrid,

    I am sorry for this delayed read and I am also sorry that I missed such an interesting scene! Sophie seems to exert a lot of positive influence on Sage’s life. I think there is something more there between them than just a doctor-patient equation. I liked your dialogues and Sage’s childhood was so painful to read about. I wonder why…[Read more]

  • Lisa took off her jacket as she discussed an upcoming shot with the cameraman. Spring didn’t bloom the way Lisa was used to seeing it. No baseball talks in subways, or commuters with fresh coffee and earphones p […]

  • Hi Seyi,
    That made for a fascinating read! However, I was a little confused at certain points as to what exactly was the narrator vying for. I love the rich cultural undertones that you’ve introduced through your story. I recall reading another story about this ministry. Is this a sequel to the same. Couple of questions.
    “Your effluent speech…[Read more]

  • Hi Jane,
    This was a fascinating story! And coincidentally, Twilight was the first book that popped into my mind as I read your story. I really liked Honora as a character. Even though she turned Mark into a vampire, I could sense compassion in her voice. She sympathised with his bewilderment. I think the end was poignant as well as interesting. I…[Read more]

  • Hi Jane,
    It’s such a pleasure to hear from you! Thank you for your amazing comments and the read! Yes, Rene is hateful. I have been doing a lot of research on cases where mothers have attempted to murder their kids, or done so. In fact a few weeks ago, I saw a video about a mother who tried to kill her kids because they ‘intervened’ with her sex…[Read more]

  • Hi Rachel,
    Thank you for your wonderful comments and the read! I am glad that you found the tension and undercurrents funny. Hope to hear from you again. Be safe.

  • Hi Art,
    Thank you for your insightful comments and the read! Appreciate your suggestions.

  • Hi Charles,
    That was a humourous account of a non native in Japan. I guess this story is largely based on autobiographical information. I loved how confused the narrator felt in Japan. The encounter with the old lady was humourous. I didn’t catch some of the colloquial references, for instance something about “tossing cookies”. But I guess that’s…[Read more]

  • Hi Peggy,
    That was one action-packed scene! I really loved Mariam as a character. She’s brave and intelligent. I hated Haemon for what he did to his sister and the plans he has for Mariam. I hope he never succeeds. That was one entertaining read! Thank you for sharing!

  • “How is Pari?” Tahir tried smiling as he asked. But Lisa’s nonchalant shrug made him lose it.“She’s good. Rishi is taking good care of us,” Lisa replied, her tone straight like an arrow.Tahir was not pleased upo […]

    • You do a good job of presenting the tension between the characters. It’s complicated given the number of people in the scene, but it’s never unclear what they feel or what the impact is.

      My only comment is that some of the descriptions seem stilted. Here are some examples followed with my suggestion:

      Please don’t bring this up before him – Please don’t bring this up in front of him

      Somewhere which could provide the right atmosphere – A place that could provide the right atmosphere

      stroked the cutlery – rubbed the knife/fork

    • Great tension in the scene – lots of undercurrents and well handled.
      One typo – Rene’s name half way through should be Lisa I expect.
      Plenty to keep the reader hooked in this scene. Curious for what is next?!

      • Hi Rachel,
        Thank you for your wonderful comments and the read! I am glad that you found the tension and undercurrents funny. Hope to hear from you again. Be safe.

    • Hi Amrita,
      And the tension in this saga turns up a notch. As I read, I was thinking that some of them would have been happy grabbing at the other’s eyeballs, if they could.
      This scene was complicated in that all your characters appeared together and there’s tension flowing between them, but I was able to follow them as the dialogue professed.
      And, of course, I live it when there’s a subtle cliffhanger at the end.
      Looking forward to read the next bit. Astrid

    • I like the scene’s tension. You might want to invest in ‘The Emotional Thesaurus’. It helps with describing emotions. You might find it helpful. So what is next?

  • Hi Peggy,
    Thank you so much for your lovely comments and the read! Yes, Rene is evil. I apologise for the confusion in terms of characters. Bob is a child abuser whom Rene met at a bar and he charmed his way into her home. Rene and Rishi used to be married, and yes, Insiya and Ishaan are their children. During the divorce proceedings, Adam,…[Read more]

  • Hi Charles,
    It’s always great to hear from you! I am glad you like this chapter and the angle of Rene and the children. As far as justice goes, I will just say – watch this space. 🙂Thank you so much for your lovely comments and the read! Be safe.

  • I like how human your story has started to sound. For the first time, I can sense a vulnerability in the narrator’s voice. If I am not mistaken, he and Cathy di not together? That would be sad. just wanted to suggest a couple of things.
    “10 minutes later, I returned to the table and took a seat.” As per the MLA rules, no sentence should start…[Read more]

  • Thank you. The last line is way of talking. He faded from her view means he walked out of her line of sight.

  • Hi Rachel,

    Thank you for your wonderful comments and the read! I always appreciate your feedback and am humbled by such high praise. It irks me that in the 22nd century many people still cling on to archaic notions of love, companionship and sexual orientation. In Hindu mythology and ancient scriptures, there are several references to how God’s…[Read more]

  •  Ishaan struggled to vacuum the huge Turkish rug in the living area. The cleaner and the suction pipe felt like a shield and lance made of iron in his hands. But he had to see the job through.“No lunch for you an […]

    • My goodness you certainly have a lot going on in this ongoing storyline. I like how you are now focusing on these poor kids and their awful guardian. I hope justice/karma will prevail. Meanwhile you have me on tenterhooks to see what happens next. Thanks for giving us a plot synopsis at the end – as it helps keep things straight. Good job on this month’s Prompt!

      • Hi Charles,
        It’s always great to hear from you! I am glad you like this chapter and the angle of Rene and the children. As far as justice goes, I will just say – watch this space. 🙂Thank you so much for your lovely comments and the read! Be safe.

    • That Rene is quite a piece of work, isn’t she? She’s got some mental health issues, obviously, and it seems Bob got out just in time, although if he was trying to abuse Ishaan, then it’s best that he’s out of the picture anyway. Maybe it’s Rishi who dodged the ball, but I don’t understand – are these kids Rishi and Rene’s, and if so, why wouldn’t Rishi want them himself? Or does he, and Rene has a restraining order against him? So much going on, in the story, and in Rene’s head! It’s fabulous writing, Amrita, I hope someday to read the entire story! Well done.

      • Hi Peggy,
        Thank you so much for your lovely comments and the read! Yes, Rene is evil. I apologise for the confusion in terms of characters. Bob is a child abuser whom Rene met at a bar and he charmed his way into her home. Rene and Rishi used to be married, and yes, Insiya and Ishaan are their children. During the divorce proceedings, Adam, Rishi’s lawyer was having an extra marital affair with Rene. He played the case in a manner so Rene got full custody of the children. Rishi doesn’t know that yet. And yes, Rene had got a restraining order against Rishi so he couldn’t see his kids. Rishi wants to but because of the order he is unable to see his kids. I am so humbled to know that you are loving the story thus far. I want to publish once I finish it. Thank you for being such an invested reader. Hope to hear from you again! Be safe.

    • Hi Amrita, this was a gripping snippet of your story. Glad you had the warning, what a nasty piece of work that Rene is – a horrid waste of space. I hope she gets what’s coming to her before the children are harmed any further.
      This is definitely something that is hard to write about but you have done it very well and pulled me into your story. I felt like I was peering over Rene’s shoulder whilst all this was going on. Well done.

      • Hi Jane,
        It’s such a pleasure to hear from you! Thank you for your amazing comments and the read! Yes, Rene is hateful. I have been doing a lot of research on cases where mothers have attempted to murder their kids, or done so. In fact a few weeks ago, I saw a video about a mother who tried to kill her kids because they ‘intervened’ with her sex life. I know these are very raw topics. In our society, a lot of atrocities are committed against women. But there are also cases where women frame men with fake charges. Rene is a culmination of all those things I have read of. It is difficult to write about, but I am trying my best to present it authentically. I am glad it managed to grab your attention. Thanks again! Hope to hear from you again. Be safe.

        PS: hope you doing well now and recovering from Covid. Wish you great health and a speedy recovery. ❤️

    • HI Amrita,
      So much happening in this story. And hard to read such cruelty. One of my sons’ names is Ishaan–so this was an extra tough story to read–I felt for him and his sister. Do we know why Rene is such a terrible mother and lacking in any maternal instinct?
      And is there a reason that Rishi, who is very resourceful can’t figure out how to see his kids?
      The story has a lot of conflicts and is from the pov of a very disturbed mind–this was shown very clearly and was uncomfortable although well done. I’m glad you provided the explanation at the end.
      Compelling read

    • Eish, Amrita sometimes I forget how well you do ‘dark.’ Then you remind us all. This is a useful bit of backstory, particularly as I couldn’t for the life of me recall who Rene was 😀 Well done, keeping your characters ordered. I’d like to suggest you rethink the metaphor in ‘The cleaner and the suction pipe felt like a shield and lance made of iron in his hands.‘ The context makes it seem like a negative but I feel a shield and lance would be useful weapons of defense and attack, for someone being put upon by enemies? In addition, perhaps you also do not need to explain ‘Rene continued a silent conversation with her warped consciousness.‘ The dialogues (especially the bits in italics,) already make this point. I hope these comments help and as always well done with this and your 52Scenes work (I understand that program is not a walk in the park.) Regards, Seyi

  • Hi Bogdana,

    My apologies for such a delayed read! I am sorry to have missed reading such a beautiful piece earlier. Your story indeed sounds like a breathtaking poem. The second para especially captures the entire essence of the story. Lovely read! Thank you for sharing!

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Amrita Sarkar

Profile picture of Amrita Sarkar

@amrita_sarkar

Active 1 day, 9 hours ago
Short Story : 5
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 20
52 Scenes : 2
Flash Fiction 2022s : 0
52 Scenes Rewrites : 0
Show, don't Tell June 2022's : 0