• He’s another truly gross man (who now is broken and sad – shows money cant buy you happiness) – we seem as a nation to be manufacturing men like him in large and endless volumes 🙁

  • I think the more you write and rewrite a scene even at this stage, the stronger it seems to land. Too hollywood? I love the tension you are creating between Hollywood style and not – keep it going to the end!

  • Thanks Bene – I’m glad you are riding comfortably with Catherine’s actions but I think it can be less abrupt and even stronger in the next draft. I do wonder if Charlotte’s resuscitation is a little too quick (but am running out of scenes) but enjoyed my snow-white moment haha! It must have been a really awful time for anyone in the force – kind…[Read more]

  • Re Catheriine’s motivation – I included a scene a few weeks back where Catherine’s experience going ‘undercover’ to report on the state of asylums in Melbourne (true story) and her love of and care for Lucy was the reason/catalyst for her acting. But you are totally right – it needs way more development in the next draft to make this clearer and…[Read more]

  • Hey Bene – another great scene. There was one aspect that didn’t sit quite right with me – I was wondering if Kate’s reaction to the slick and polished nature of the boat was a little too admiring? I thought perhaps given her down to earth nature, that she would have seen it for what it was, kind of like a somewhere without soul, sterile, a shiny…[Read more]

  • Hey Martin, Appreciate you dropping by at this late stage. Yep I tried introducing a diary with the main character’s father (who is a policeman so would have kept a work diary in the least) to help me get closer to the historical plot elements. That is what the dated element is, as his world has unravelled. Glad the earlier scene worked – it too…[Read more]

  • I think this is one of the best scenes you’ve written for a while. I think you nailed the detail of the train scene brilliantly – the run, the catch, the sense of exposure and the movements of Ethan and Maddison. I too liked the movie/tv series reference – good chuckle (although did think the brevity of the shootout/chase a little too, well……[Read more]

  • The two women sat opposite in the train carriage. Catherine sat with her back to the front of the train, even though it wasn’t her preference. Lucy’s mother, Charlotte faced forward and spent most of the jou […]

    • Hi Adam

      I liked the flow of the first part of the scene. It has a warm, homely feel to it as the relationship between the two of them shows its kindliness. I apologise for not having followed your story, so the second part of the scene felt detached and I’m not sure where it fits in. That said, in itself, it has an ethereal quality to it which is appealing, in the ponderous labouring of his thoughts here too. It works very well.

      Nice work.

      Martin

      • Hey Martin, Appreciate you dropping by at this late stage. Yep I tried introducing a diary with the main character’s father (who is a policeman so would have kept a work diary in the least) to help me get closer to the historical plot elements. That is what the dated element is, as his world has unravelled. Glad the earlier scene worked – it too is a little out of order but given you are “Just Visiting” pleased it stands up ok on its own. Cheers Adam

    • Catherine went to fetch Charlotte, what was the reason for this – I’m sure you’ve mentioned this before. It’s a hell of a trip – looking for motivation personally.
      Might be an idea to search and replace one of these names. Got a touch confusing for a second for me – this is a me issue, however. Maybe Katherine would be better. 😉
      I like that she’s kind of coming alive again in the kitchen. How back to normal is she I wonder.
      This is a nice line, “If we could only retrace and rewrite our lives, what decisions would we make? Or would every road always lead to a muddied field.” Could even be the last line in the book.

      • Re Catheriine’s motivation – I included a scene a few weeks back where Catherine’s experience going ‘undercover’ to report on the state of asylums in Melbourne (true story) and her love of and care for Lucy was the reason/catalyst for her acting. But you are totally right – it needs way more development in the next draft to make this clearer and more gradual in its build up (and to determine if it would have been possible) so it is less like a solution to a plot problem. Agree too on the names being too close. Just named one of my new chickens Amelia. Maybe that’s Lucy’s mum? Thanks for reading and for the really insightful comments.

        • I do remember now. I think if I had read it through as a book, not this weekly drop in I would have recalled that. Especially if it’s a thread in the story. LOL on the chicken.

    • Hi Adam, another wonderful scene. The interaction between the two women is so heart-warming. I think it’s completely in keeping with what we know of Catherine that she would take it upon herself to help and I’m so glad she did. Watching Charlotte come back to life after her long sleep was an absolute joy to read.
      Lucy’s father’s diary entry was equally wonderful but in a much sadder way. Poor man, he is in a terrible spot of existential bother, not surprisingly. And that last line is beautiful – a thought we all have but that you’ve expressed so well.
      As always this reads so much like a published novel to me that I really can’t think of any suggestions to offer. Just keep writing 🙂

      • Thanks Bene – I’m glad you are riding comfortably with Catherine’s actions but I think it can be less abrupt and even stronger in the next draft. I do wonder if Charlotte’s resuscitation is a little too quick (but am running out of scenes) but enjoyed my snow-white moment haha! It must have been a really awful time for anyone in the force – kind of damned no matter which way you look…guess its stresses like these and moments when we are at our lowest where family becomes the place you need to lean in to. Thanks for reading to the (almost) finish. 🙂

  • Yes, your beautiful continent has seen more than its fair share of mob violence and rioting. There is a book called The Year of the Beast by Steven Carroll and he writes so brilliantly of the Beast, which is in fact the mob and how it can create such menace and power when it finds its feet and energy and voice and courage in anonmity. This is a…[Read more]

  • So much research to do, to support the creative telling. Yes there were a number of outbreaks of looting in the city and a few suburbs too and some serious violence, including loss of life. Stay tuned! Didn’t know spruik was an Australianism…there you go – I just assumed everyone used it – its such a great word. Learn something every day. Yep,…[Read more]

  • Thanks Michael, Not an easy thing to imagine or bring to life – quite a foreign environment for me in my peaceful little rural haven. Glad it came to life ok. Thanks as always for reading and encouraging me.

  • Clearly I have a memory like a sieve – am sure in a standard reading all this would stay pretty top of mind but yes perhaps a few small indicators through the story, and Kate struggles with her plight (as that’s been all about romance and love rather than other shackles that bind her). Great stuff!

  • Sure one at a time…or just one full stop. But never say never…Steven Carrol swore there would only be one novel in the Glenroy series and ended up with six!

  • Yep, been a while since Saleem was on the scene so was wondering at his demand to have kate join them given she has been in no way part of the deal from what I can recall. Perhaps that slime bag on the other dive boat could be weaved in someway as that would explain it and provide a more recent bridge between Saleem and the make up of Pierre’s…[Read more]

  • Good scene – the image of the floating body, hacking through the thick rainforest and the old rickety railway line. I did wonder at the likelihood of Terrance having the line checked. Lets see how the running and catching skills are. Bring it on. Love a good train battle!

  • Yes – we have a Prime Minister who is truly an awful and deceitful man. I sometimes wonder what happened to us as a nation of individuals that we could elect a man, and a party and a cabinet so bereft of ideas and any sense of humanity. I want to shout an apology to the world some days for our self-interest and lack of decency on so many things.…[Read more]

  • The last thing Lucy wanted this morning to do was go to work. The days off were supposed to refresh her so she was fully perked up and ready to go again. The work was physical and today, just the thought of what […]

    • Such an ominous scenario, nothing more deadly than an angry mob. You built it well from the bus stop, Lucy’s reluctance to go to work – set the tone well.
      Lucio is treating her very well, respectful, I could almost sense him battling with what to do about her – get her safe and sacrifice his stuff or let her stay.
      There was such an air of present danger during this scene, I could easily imagine a flaming bottle come flying out of nowhere.

      • Thanks Michael, Not an easy thing to imagine or bring to life – quite a foreign environment for me in my peaceful little rural haven. Glad it came to life ok. Thanks as always for reading and encouraging me.

    • Hi Adam, this is a fantastic scene. You’ve absolutely nailed building the foreboding but also the mood of the escalating events. There were many brilliant bits of description in this scene, as usual, but ‘Her boots scuffed crankily up the path’ really spoke to me. The proof that adverbs when used skillfully can add so much. The contrast between the usual liveliness of the market and the eerie feel of the day was very effective. As a reader, I grew increasingly worried for Lucy and Lucio and Lucio’s refusal to go notched up that fear for them to the next level – really well done.
      I saw your note that the riots didn’t take place in the market. Were they localised or would there have been some form of looting all across the city? It might be worth more research as these things usually spark off in several places. Just a thought.
      PS. I enjoyed learning the word spruik. A few more chapters and I’ll be fluent in Australian slang 😉

      • So much research to do, to support the creative telling. Yes there were a number of outbreaks of looting in the city and a few suburbs too and some serious violence, including loss of life. Stay tuned! Didn’t know spruik was an Australianism…there you go – I just assumed everyone used it – its such a great word. Learn something every day. Yep, not many scenes to go – yikes!

    • Hi Adam we are only too familar in SA with mobs and riots and they are very scary creatures, one never knows how a peaceful mood can change and things turn nasty. I had my heart in my throat that the market would be overrun by angry protesters and Lucy would be swept up/away. Great, tense scene .

      • Yes, your beautiful continent has seen more than its fair share of mob violence and rioting. There is a book called The Year of the Beast by Steven Carroll and he writes so brilliantly of the Beast, which is in fact the mob and how it can create such menace and power when it finds its feet and energy and voice and courage in anonmity. This is a caricature of that level of writing, but I will continue to work it up in subsequent drafts. Glad even in this early stage it landed for you. Thanks for reading as always.

  • Hmmmmm – or set up for the sequel haha!

    Seriously though, I think you’ve given this story a lightness of touch, some genuine humour and an overall effervescence (of scene, character and tone) that a tragedy now would be a little jarring I think. But then I’m a romantic at heart!

  • It’s been a while since the doors were outlined so am sure its fine. I just worry about people shooting guns in confined spaces. Ricochets and all that?? Overthinking it probably!

  • Nothing better than a cocky crim, backed by a thick one. Pity there were poison darts but hey the sealed room was great – not sure how a gun would suffice to shoot their way out? But hey, got to go with the flow. Well done – another rollicking read.

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Adam

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@adamjeffrey

Active 1 day, 12 hours ago
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