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  • Hi Jan, I knew there was something not quite right with my scene, and I think you nailed it exactly. SuSu should have texted him at some point during the week, to give more credence for Benji’s level of angst. But since I know what happened to her, I know she couldn’t have texted her today. She could have done it on Monday or Tuesday, after the…[Read more]

  • Oh yeah, there’s the Nell I was waiting for! Her powers are bad ass and she knows it! It gives her confidence in her position, despite her opposition, and allows her to ultimately call the shots, right or wrong, and gain control of a bad situation.

    Lots going on in this scene to explore:
    Amalgam-interim – were there other decisions they…[Read more]

  • The Light is Low by Peggy RockeyScene 3 – Magera#It was just after eight o’clock when Magera arrived back at her apartment building. Normally, this early in the night, she would have strolled down to the Emb […]

    • Jan replied 7 hours ago

      Hi Peggy,

      Well done on Nr 3! There was a lot of mouvement in this scene but at no point did I feel lost as the narration is fluid and easy.

      Benji surprised me with being so worried about the girl and he obviously likes her a lot (shown by the car racing off at the end) but then they don’ talk everyday… I thought Magera would argue more with him as she takes the role of the calm and reasonable friend.
      Suggestion – I’m wondering if it could not be more impactful if you have her sending Benji a text saying she is on her way (or even something earlier that day), can’t wait to see him xxx, and then she never arrives.

      I like Magera a lot, her goodness and beautiful heart are apparent on the page, apart from her big acts of kindness and friends, also in the details like she not telling him what a PA is.

      I can’t wait to see how this unfolds and I look forward to next week!

      • Hi Jan, I knew there was something not quite right with my scene, and I think you nailed it exactly. SuSu should have texted him at some point during the week, to give more credence for Benji’s level of angst. But since I know what happened to her, I know she couldn’t have texted her today. She could have done it on Monday or Tuesday, after the job interview, though… I’ll give this some thought and will remember to add this to my edited copy.
        Thanks so much for pointing this out to me!

  • 2 down, fifty to go, and a great start, if I do say so! I really liked the way you started the scene, with Emma finding the support she needed to help her past the ordeal of her past, and I loved the hopeful scene on the train as she began to get a taste for what freedom might feel like, away from a controlling and abusive husband. I was dismayed…[Read more]

  • Hi Mary, great job on your first scene. I’m hooked, even knowing this is a prologue, and presumably the story will start sometime either in the future or the past, as that is the nature of prologues. I liked the way you set the scene, as a reader I knew immediately that I should be fearful for MC, and the way you ramped up the tension was…[Read more]

  • I so enjoy your writing, Georgiana, the ease in which you place the reader inside the story is a skill I do so envy. I like Liam, and wonder if there is a romance in the making? I liked his stories of his Irish grandmother, of mermaids and ghosts, I rather think Brianna likes him too, even if she doesn’t know it yet. And if not, that’s okay too,…[Read more]

  • Hi Georgiana, thanks for transporting me to the seaside beach in Galveston and introducing me to Brianna and the home she inherited from her Nana. The introduction to Liam, and his evaluation of the home and it’s ability to withstand hurricanes felt like foreshadowing, and helped anchor me to the place and the story and makes me want to read more.…[Read more]

  • Thanks for the comment, Sudha, I appreciate it!

  • Thanks for reading, Georgiana, and for your suggestion about not disembodying – I think I do this more than I ought to, so appreciate that you’ve called it out and brought it to my attention.
    I’m just about finished with scene 3 and thinking ‘there’s not much tension in this scene’ – it moves the story forward, but I’m still trying to figure…[Read more]

  • I thought I had posted this last week, but here it is still on my computer! Sorry about that. I enjoyed this installment, I liked the interaction with Bernadine, and the jog along the East River. I especially liked the bit about the lipstick. I had no idea there were lipstick colors with these names, but they’re perfect for your story. I’m…[Read more]

  • Hi Michael, thanks for reading and for your suggestion about starting each section with the character’s name. I actually have it that way in my word document, but when I copy/pasted I missed the header. I’ll go back and edit the first two scenes to add the header in and will remember to add it going forward. I’ll be switching back and forth…[Read more]

  • Thanks, Jan. I’m afraid that not every scene is going to be as gripping, but hope to keep the momentum going and to escalate the tension throughout. I appreciate your kind words, thank you!

  • Hi Julie, I didn’t see anything unkind in your comment at all, you were simply responding to the story as it was written, and your observation was valid and spot on. I appreciate constructive feedback, which is what you intended, and I appreciate your willingness to call attention to areas that maybe could be improved upon. It may be that my…[Read more]

  • Hi Michael, I rather enjoyed this scene, with Madison ruminating over Ethan, imagining him a spy like Tom Cruise in mission impossible, by this we know he’s definitely piqued her interest, and I liked the way she ruminates over her yearlong break and the lack of adventure or bumping into a handsome millionaire. By this we know she likes to play…[Read more]

  • Thanks for the reading and for your feedback. I can see how writing the whole scene in first person POV would have made for a more dramatic scene, starting with Minsang escaping, but I deliberately have Minsang capturing her story on her laptop for reasons which will come clear in later installments. Perhaps as the story progresses, I may rethink this…

  • Ah, Julie, you’ve got the makings of a real nail biter with this story. As Anne said, I was prepared to dislike Maria for having left her children for Josef, but as all stories are never one sided I was willing to be open minded. Her kindness to Wanda was an excellent way to introduce her, as a result we know she didn’t just leave her family…[Read more]

  • Thanks, Kathy. There’s quite a few characters that will be introduced in coming weeks, all involved in one way or another with the main plot/goal. Eventually the connections will come clear as the story develops, and hopefully will keep the reader intrigued.

  • I like the interaction between Bijou and Calico, she obviously wants more from him then he seems willing to give her. I’m trying to place the timing, is this a continuation of where you left off in scene 1, or did we go back in time?
    I seem to recall from your December short story that there was a tangle between Bijou and Nala, and here we see…[Read more]

  • Thanks so much for the great feedback. Your advice about these paragraphs is spot on, and will definitely be added to my final edit. Thanks!

  • Oh no! I think Red is gonna cause lots of trouble for Bob and Terri!
    I also think she’s got valid concerns , which means you have lots of room to showcase both sides of the equation, and potential for lots of tension!
    I like how you pulled me right into the scene, your descriptions are quite vivid and I felt like I was there soaking in the sun…[Read more]

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Peggy (PJ) Rockey

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@pjrockey

Active 3 hours ago
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