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  • While I don’t disagree with Deryn and Maria, I have to say I was rooting for Etienne and felt his pain and frustration. I think I missed the second scene so I will try and get back to it. I like the way you end here with a hint of intrigue to come.

  • I like how effortlessly you show us the boat’s interior and Momo is wonderful. A couple of niggly things:I think you mean homey not homely and what if the redhead had wispy hennaed hair? Perfect set up – worrying about the last couple – for bringing Matt onboard. Now the fun begins…

  • Nice job with the romantic complications and relationships. Poor Milo. The Mona Lisa smile struck me curious but I liked it. I love that for Milo food came first. As to his poem…bless his heart 🙂

  • Great scene. Lots of nice touches to being it home. Fran is coming into her own as a three-dimensional character in this scene. Good jib on the steamy side and then the plot-thickening complications at the end. Rolling right along.

  • Haha glad to hear you’re haunted by the house. We’ll be going back there next week:)

  • It’s meant to be low key, a small reaction, before the action. Glad you liked the scarf line. I loved that visual and what it says about Magda, who will add some spice when she appears.

  • Thanks, Deryn, and yeah (duh) grandmother…I’m rolling my eyes. 🙂 we’ll have some fun with Michael yet..

  • tinsbended#3 by nsbnina

    #

    Giddy from her interview with Alden Smythe and the single malt, Clarissa was reckless as she navigated the twists and turns of the road, the endless road she and her sisters had called […]

    • Ah Nina – characteristically lyrical. Clarissa seems like a very resilient woman, though.- Will be interesting to see what role her ex has later on, if any.
      Just one comment re ‘Michael’s father’s mother’ – it seems a clumsy way of saying either just grandmother or if you want to be more precise then ‘paternal grandmother’ but a small detail. Lovely writing that moves the story along nicely.

    • I adore this line:
      her scarf flying out the window, fluttering like laughter.

      The story is great. It will resinate with quite a few readers. My only issue is it is too low key. Next scene you’re going to need some spice.

      Keep writing!!!

      • It’s meant to be low key, a small reaction, before the action. Glad you liked the scarf line. I loved that visual and what it says about Magda, who will add some spice when she appears.

    • Hi Nina, I love the line ‘Shards of memory that cut the deepest.’ It sounds like Clarissa had dealt with so much and yet, I love how you ended this scene with her binning the past and moving on despite her pain. I have to confess that after your second scene, I am haunted (in the best possible way!) by the house they are moving into and I cannot wait for you to take us back there…

    • Some very nice moments here. I especially like the scarf flapping like laughter. And the contrast between the happy time and the sad time is poignant. I’m a little afraid of what we’re going to find out about this family, but I feel good about Clarissa. At least at this point, she looks like making it.

  • Preston
    I agree with much of what’s been said. Even though there were times here I found myself wading through unfamiliar territory, I enjoyed the read. Preston – an interesting choice of name for your MC – is a sympathetic character as is Anthena. I was interested in how you doled out information – like signing the papers eight years before w…[Read more]

  • Thanks Preston. The suggestion on starting with her having seen the house before is a good one. I think Clarissa being who she is, I’ll keep her waiting to mention her daughter until she has a better sense of the situation. Hopefully you’ll keep reading and find the backstory gradually told through a trail of bits and pieces.

  • Oh dear Norman Bates! I can totally see that now you say it though it never occurred to me writing it. Yes, they’re a quirky crew. Thanks for the read and the comments.

  • Glad to fill you with questions 😎 and I appreciate your feedback re the house which you got right. I’ll try to figure out a way to tackle it in scene four when Clarissa and Amy move in. In older houses in New England where this story is set, it’s not unusual to have the more formal entry be the lesser used. I’ll have to do some research. In th…[Read more]

  • Wonderful and rich imagery that flowed with snippets of backstory – and allusions to such – and history and hinted at its end to a possible tie-in with your first scene. Looking forward to where your next scene will take you/us.

  • Hey Adam
    I love Lucy…and her run-on thoughts. She seems quite young and the language strikes me old-fashioned, which didn’t bother me so much as had me wondering when this story takes place. I agree with Deryn on that. All that aside, I enjoyed Lucy’s voice and am curious about her mother.

  • Great drama between Pierre and Kate. And beautiful imagery as Kate experiences her first dive. Nice filler on Matt without telling too much at once.
    I agree with Adam’s comments, especially that you are, with this scene, really writing your story. Your descriptions are rich and vivid, but you could do some tightening.
    What if you incorporated t…[Read more]

  • Hey Ben
    I found myself immediately situated in this scene, liking Kate’s energy and excitement. I’m guessing she’s young from the way I see her move, her excitement and her predicament. Lots of threads to follow here, between Matt, Saleem, and the captan of the Dream Weaver, btw nice name. I also wondered about ages since silvertip sharks are v…[Read more]

  • Wow this scene sure changed everything. I agree with what’s been said about slowing down some. You’re in this story for the long haul, let’s savor it. I wondered if you might let us know a bit sooner in the scene that Bernadine is an assistant DA. The plot is definitely thickening! See you Wednesday. I am hooked.

  • Great first scene. As the flash mob unfolded, I had a feeling things weren’t what your MC thought. I liked how up you had her find out, but I agree you could have added a beat or two to her devastated reaction. I had mixed feelings about the relationship at the start, with hanging out with Al being as comfortable as well-worn sneakers. What a w…[Read more]

  • So many questions reading this scene. You’ve done a wonderful job with Maria, such a complicated character, leaving me curious about the decisions she made that brought her to leave her children and live with Josef. Quite the dramatic ending. I’m worried about the kind of man Josef will turn out to be.

  • Fabulous opening scene and so many nice touches that place your characters and hint at a better life previously: the walnut cased wireless, the brocade curtains, dancing by candlelight. what a beautiful horrific scene you’ve given us. On to scene two now…

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Nsbnina

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