• Even though your story leans towards a guy hiring a prostitute, the emotions are a bit lacking in the way he experiences the situation. It was written from his POV, so his experience drives the scene.
    Scenes involving sex, or hints of sex have to be about more than the physical to be engaging to the reader. The fact that she tied him up and then…[Read more]

  • There is nothing more to add except to say, well done, my friend! You did a tremendous job with this prompt. High five!

  • Very cute story and I like your characters. There is just one thing you need to look out for – those dialogue tags (he said, said she…) You don’t need to use them with every piece of dialogue. If you do, they become a distraction to the reader, instead of letting the story flow naturally. Have a look with your next story – it will also help to…[Read more]

  • While I have read some serious urban fantasy, I have to agree with Jennifer. When the word count gets more (and I think you are going to explore more of this genre) your MC is going lose the impact of his personality with a narrative style. Dialogue will definitely help to keep that hard core character alive, and help with the action too. I like…[Read more]

  • Thank you! ☺️

  • Warning: Strong language
    “Your time is up.”
    The nervous young woman became more flustered and for a moment Craig Bradshaw felt sorry for her. She was the third woman who had interviewed him this morning, and the […]

  • Thank you for reading and commenting on my story, Seyi. It is part of a novel I am working on, so some aspects may not be working 100% here although it will make more sense in the bigger story, I hope.

  • Thank you, Anthony. High praise indeed and sincerely appreciated.

  • Thank you for reading and your kind comment, Leila 💜

  • I loved your story! No need to add a warning about an unlikable MC, only the language and violence will suffice. It is part of the reading experience to discover for oneself if you like the MC or not. I am not going to repeat the comments of the previous reader, because she did spot most of the issues. I will say this: your characterisation is…[Read more]

  • Your story has the potential to be more than the written words. While I saw that this is your first story I will offer some advice on what you can do in future. Short stories are more suited to a writing about a short event, instead of a whole life story. You also wrote the piece in a narrative style – there is nothing wrong with that, but if you…[Read more]

  • I love mysteries, and I can see this one blooming into a whopper. If I may add a bit of advice: your story moves incredibly fast. There is no time spent to build the tension and anticipation in the reader. It may be the word count, but you could definitely consider exploring this genre if you fit fewer bits of action into the short story format.…[Read more]

  • I didn’t notice the play on her name, but you are correct. Merlene is a future being and in my series they don’t have any power but they can control magic power through their connection with their Protectors. Thank you for reading and your kind words! 💜

  • Prompt: Coalition | Word count: 1200 | Genre: Adult FantasySerano twitched his nose at the irritation and swatted at it with a claw.“Owww!”Certain that insects didn’t swear in a human language the dragon ope […]

    • Interesting story. Is this part of a larger piece? If it isn’t, it easily could be. I liked the imagery of the dragon turning into a human with scales for clothing. The only thing you might want to change is the sentence with “high glamor of the high lords.” Maybe just have one “high”?

    • I like the wordplay on ‘Merlin’ to ‘Merlene’; not sure if it’s intentional, but it immediately tells me that the character must be some kind of powerful magic user. I liked the chemistry between her and the dragon, too — again showing (not telling) that Merlene might be a powerful magic user or wizard. i understand this is part of a larger work? I’d be interested to see more! 🙂

      • I didn’t notice the play on her name, but you are correct. Merlene is a future being and in my series they don’t have any power but they can control magic power through their connection with their Protectors. Thank you for reading and your kind words! 💜

    • What a delightful story. I do hope there is more to come.

    • Hi Linze. I really enjoyed this piece, I think it would make a great fantasy novel. Vivid, arresting and deeply entertaining. You have a talented ear for dialogue. Very well written.

    • Seyi replied 4 days ago

      Hello Linze and how goes it? I really like the window you have shown us into the world building you have been doing for your novel. I wish you all the best as you work on it and hope we get to see it soon. I must admit a slight bit of confusion at the opening sentence of the second “paragraph,” though (His body shuddered before his wings folded into their resting position.) The imagery of his body shuddering, implying forces at work within his body is wonderful. I am not sure why you emphasise wings in resting position here though, I had already imagined him in flight from the flow of teh story? Plus would wings not have been in resting position up till this point already? Forgive me if am being pedantic and feel free to ignore. This did not take a way from a great story and all the very best, Seyi

    • Thank you for reading and commenting on my story, Seyi. It is part of a novel I am working on, so some aspects may not be working 100% here although it will make more sense in the bigger story, I hope.

  • “My lord, that woman is here again.”
    Damian Le Roche frowned at his house manager. “What woman?”
    “The same one that was here last week, Bianca Li’Héwi.”
    Damian felt his fangs itching to come out, but not in a […]

    • Hey again Linze, after reading “”Waiting for Merlene,” I had to dive into your archive and I really like the premise for this story. Your story construction is awesome, (I can almost see that great opening scene, your imagery is so good). There are some awesome lines in the exchange between Damien and George but I think my favourite is “Damian winced at the speed with which his fangs retracted.” You do impart a lot of background information as Bianca is hustled through the house, though. I wonder if you could not have revealed some of this information in conversation? It feels a like a bit of “telling” instead of “showing” as you had done so well in the opening scene. I am off to Part 2 now and wonder if you ever did anything else with these stories? Looks like you wrote them a while ago. Well done and best regards, Seyi

Linzé Brandon

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@linzeb

active 2 days, 17 hours ago