20/10 What I Wish I’d Said by Elaine Dodge

What happens when Romeo realises the girl of his dreams hasn't got brain cells to rub together and he doesn't have two coins to rub together and so has no way of paying for the dragon she ordered.

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1 month ago

Hi Elaine,
That was a great story. So Romeo is a player and Juliet is a bit dim? Yes, I can see that. I used to groan whenever I had to read Romeo and Juliet. You had some really great lines in this story: “… but when it really mattered, what a man wanted was brains.”, although in this case, it seems that Romeo needed money more!
and this one, “…stable fees, vet bills, feed bills, and burn compensation insurance. “. I love the burn compensation insurance idea.
And now that Romeo has been given his “out” will he take it? A great question. You can’t help but like Romeo even though he’s such a cad. I love the polite but threatening dragon and the pressure that a man has in this society (as opposed to a woman, traditionally) to marry rich…Such a great alternative to the original sappy story. Very fun read, I laughed through the whole story.

Member
1 month ago

Elaine a pleasing and different tale. I liked the nuances of Romeo’s feelings to Juliet’s thinking ability.
Loved the description of Oily and the dragon.
Scope to continue with this one I feel

Member
1 month ago

Dude! I mean, Elaine! 🙂 What a problem for Romeo. To flee, or not to flee? That is the question! 😀 Loved this so much! Thanks for making me smile. 😀

1 month ago

Hi Elaine,

You have a knack of turning the widely accepted into something different and hugely entertaining.

A few thoughts

I have a few vilified words, “so” being in the list. You don’t need to rely on this word as your writing is better than needing it Consider “Oily had never bathed, his smell was eye-watering.” as an alternative or some such rewording to avoid the dreaded word.

I wonder if, as usual, you slipped this in in extra time as the referee reached for the whistle. You normally lead us to believe you conjure up your story as the deadline looms large. I would consider reworking the ending leaving Romeo looking between the dragon blocking his escape while his intended makes off with her bag of coins.

Loved it.

Thank you for sharing such an entertaining piece.
Ever thought of revamping more of the children’s classics?

Keep writing.

Cheers,
Paul

1 month ago
Reply to  Elaine Dodge

😀

Member
1 month ago

What a fun direction you steered our star-crossed lovers! It was like a contemporary-fantasy genre, just wonderful! Your dialogue is on-point and it dances along to the rhythm of the story. Descriptions also delighted, I could picture it all unfolding. Only one bit gave me pause “How had he ended up in that small chapel saying, “I do” to a girl with more brains than money?” (should it perhaps be more money than brains?) A highly enjoyable read, thank you and well done!

Member
1 month ago
Reply to  Elaine Dodge

Ah, silly me! I missed that, but it makes total sense now. Thank you and well done again!

Member
1 month ago

This is really entertaining – very well done. Lots of humour and very lively – I could see the slapstick comedy unfolding in front of my eyes and the picture I imagined of Romeo’s face at the end when he realises the woman he thought he’s married to is wealthy just as he discovers he’s not married to her after all was priceless. One thing puzzled me a bit – sorry if I’m being dense – why would she actually try to solve a maths problem to soften his anger? Was the sense of the last bit: “she looked even more beautiful when she cried than she would have done if she had been trying to solve a maths problem to soften his anger.” No, the word “even” suggests not. Am I being too literal? Sorry for stumbling over a small thing. I really enjoyed your story!

Member
1 month ago

Lots of fun down an alley with a dragon!

I liked the characters and their interactions.

I think that the revelation at the end nicely tied it all up too. Well done.

Thanks for sharing.

Member
1 month ago

What fun! A delightful tale at a clipping pace. Well realised characters with a clever ending. I smiled all the way through. My only question is regarding your first paragraph. Can tears really roll with abandon?

Member
1 month ago

Hi Elaine, This was a refreshingly fun read. You weaved a fantastical romantic tale filled with colorful characters in and around magical scenes. Hats off! Astrid

Member
1 month ago

This was a fun fairy-tale read with lots of delightful descriptions and funny extreme characters. Your character Oily sticks in my mind most, and I’d like to borrow the idea to name a character consistent with the feeling he exudes. Well done.

Member
1 month ago

That was a great ‘alternative’ Romeo and Juliet story, that I enjoyed reading. As always money is the root of the problem and Juliet suddenly became more attractive to Romeo as soon as she produced the coin! Thank you for sharing.