Tick by Riana N.

No wonder I couldnโ€™t find out yet what makes it tick!

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Gold
3 months ago

A very lovely tale of Dennis’s transformation. Beautifully told. Almost has a fairytale quality to this.
I liked the contrast from where he lived with everything bright, shiny and disposable and his Uncle’s workshop. A workshop
full of love- love for the broken things or the abandoned ones. You tie in these themes so well. Seamless.
A very enjoyable read.

Harvey Covey
3 months ago

Riana, the timelessness of the story proved lovely; as did the moral. It’s clear that a lot of thought and imagination went into the creation of this tale. There are a few technical issues though, that might tighten it up a bit. In several paragraphs, the tense jumps between present and past; “has” vs. “had”, or in one case “have”. Also, the perspective jumped a couple of times between Dennis and his uncle. In short stories, consistent tense and focused perspective, are key to holding the reader’s attention. One last tip I will pass along as I struggle with this in my stories and constantly get reminders from my commenters: try using less “to be” verbs (was, would, had been, could be, etc.) and sense words rather than putting action to the objects. It’s the difference between “telling” vs. “showing” and makes for a more inclusive experience for the reader. For example: “Dennis felt sad – …” tells the reader that Dennis is sad but something like, “Melancholy overwhelmed young Dennis…” shows the reader the level of sadness and gives action to the sadness itself.
It’s a lovely concept! Keep writing. You do have a gift.

hanzo047
3 months ago

I’m so glad I chose your story! Like one of the other commenters said, it does have a fairytale like quality to it. You also have a beautiful arc in such a short amount of space. (Also – yay kittens haha) I don’ t know if it’s because you named him “Uncle Roon” but he reminded me of Uncle Iroh from Avatar the Last Airbender. (If you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it!) Anyway, wonderful job and please keep writing!

Dionne
3 months ago

I agree with the others as it does have a fairytale quality. I really enjoyed the story.

kmayque
2 months ago

Hi Riana,
Thank you for sharing this wonderful story. I was caught suddenly with the passing of Dennisโ€™ father In the very beginning, but it made sense to have it be quick, since the relationship is mostly about Dennis and Uncle Roon.
The pace of the story felt slower in the beginning but seemed a bit rushed toward the end; maybe because of the word count? There may be room In There to expand it into a longer story?
It was charming that they have a cat with kittens come into their life and you gave good details about them. Another aspect that you should explore adding to other parts of the story. For example; how is Uncle Roonโ€™s soup the best tasting? Maybe add more descriptive taste to a specific one that Dennis likes?
I wish you luck with future writing and edits. Thank you again for sharing this lovely tale.
Karisa