Shock by Amrita Sarkar

The game turns as the captive gets a chance to escape. Will she succeed?

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Jan
1 month ago

Hi Amrita,
I was waiting for this one! Thank you for continuing with this story and for this most gripping latest instalment in your series!
So all this time, Ava was alive and the one mystery is revealed, while you leave us with another – the strange man (who got the shock of his life)
I loved the tension, and the nightmarish imagery you conjured up here. I am still not sure how the plot is going to unfold, but that is the point, isn’t it? And eventually all road will lead back to Rome… Rhine!
Beautiful writing and thank you for sharing! I can’t wait for next month’s πŸ™‚

Member
1 month ago

Wow, Amrita, you’ve ramped up the tension in this installment. I remembered Ava from the first story, thinking she had died in the car accident and then recalled that Prist discovered it wasn’t her body in the car. Good to learn she’s still alive, but what a horrific experience she must have had.

You did a great job with the sensory input, the lightning is an excellent way to reveal the setting details, it added a lot of depth and atmosphere to the scene.

The fight scene was fantastic, I was on the edge of my seat throughout, and since you left with a cliffhanger, I wait with baited breath for next month, eager to see what happens with Area 52!

Member
1 month ago

Amrita! Wow! That was great! I love the tension, the senses that you stimulated-you described the grogginess, the difficulty in getting the gag off, the smell of the basement really well. I loved this sentence, “the overcast sky crepitated its own thunderous tune, rendering a definite rhythm to the watery needles that splattered on the metal ceiling with renewed intensity.”
Also this sentence, “Purple lightning bruised up the sky and a sliver of its brilliance flashed through the windows. ”
You can take out the “up” and convey the same meaning.
I learned the word “trammeled”, so thanks for that.
I agree with Charles R, that “schlep” is not the right word here-it means a tedious or difficult task, but usually as in inconveniently tedious. like, “I don’t want to schlep to three different stores to buy the ingredients for dinner”, often it’s for comedic effect, but not difficult in the dangerous, life-threatening situation you have here. so even “Inching” or “wriggling” may be better because those imply very small movements to get to your goal.
I love the ending, some really good payback to the evil Param (I hope). Great story and I’m eagerly awaiting the next installment.

Member
1 month ago

Oh! She escapes at last! I’m relieved for her. But something tells me she’s going to be in a bigger fix after this. Tight and gripping narration, Amrita. Love it.

Member
1 month ago
Reply to  Amrita Sarkar

With you, I’m never sure she escaped. πŸ˜‰
I’m curious to see how you’d use the prompt for next month. <3

Member
Jes
1 month ago

Hello.
Such a thrilling story. I like how the first part your MC is trying to recall how she got here before hitting the climax. You wrote a lot of good lines, but this one won me over, “ Like prey and predator, the two evaluated each other.” You put this line in the perfect spot and it hits the reader hard, forcing me to keep reading- like I was going to say no, but I hope you get the point I’m trying to make. Overall I love you story and it keeps the reader at the edge of their seat. πŸ™‚

Member
Ana
1 month ago

Wooho! The stakes are rising and the story is coming together! I enjoyed this scene very much, the more introspective start and the action following, with a bad-ass female character. I liked the podcast bit and would really like to know more about that subplot, if you’d consider it. I like it when you add layer over layer of stories and still make the plot easy to follow. One of your best Amrita!

Member
1 month ago

Good one. I really enjoyed the continuation of the storyline. Your story flowed well and you ended with a nice cliffhanger ending. I disagree with the word choice – “schlep” which is a wonderful yiddish word meaning to work or toil. But in your narrative it sticks out like a sore thumb – IMHO it just doesn’t fit. Other than that πŸ‘πŸ‘

Member
1 month ago
Reply to  Amrita Sarkar

As I said previously, “schlep” is a wonderful yiddish word for work or toil. There is nothing wrong with it. However, it changes the tone of the dire situation your MC finds herself in – making it sound like her efforts to free herself are comedic or not serious.

Member
1 month ago

Hey Amrita and how goes it? ‘Crepitated,’ ‘trammelled,’ and to a certain extent ‘pro-tem’ now added to my word toolbox, thanks. πŸ˜€ I like the pace and tension you inject into this piece, though because I recalled that Ava passed away in a car crash (?), I was expecting this to end badly for her. Seems she survived this incident, but for how long? Your descriptions helped place your readers there with Ava, I particularly liked the simple but strong use of other senses in ‘But the place smelled of grease, spirits, and burnt electrical wiring’. Your use of ‘…warmth flood into her cranial nerves’ sounds great but I find it hard to imagine that sort of granular sensation. Also the bit about Ava’s history as a social media influencer took me out of the action a bit, maybe you could use that space to give us hints of Ava’s immediate future? (I can’t wait πŸ˜€). Hope these comments help, and do note I enjoyed the piece tremendously.Very best regards, Seyi

Member
1 month ago
Reply to  Amrita Sarkar

Aaah, gotcha. Apologies, I had misplaced that nugget of information. Ok, I am looking forward to how Ava’s background info will impact the story further. yeah, i did think that Ava survived this episode but now I’m not so sure. Regards and all the best. Seyi

Member
1 month ago

Hi Amrita. Wow this was a gripping episode. I loved the vivid imagery you created throughout. One of my favourite lines was this one: As if on cue, the overcast sky crepitated its own thunderous tune, rendering a definite rhythm to the watery needles that splattered on the metal ceiling with renewed intensity.
And I learnt a new word – crepitated – who knew that it meant ‘make a crackling sound’.

Thoroughly enjoyable read and I couldn’t take my eyes off it:)

Just a few small edit suggestions:

which she was told, was located pro tem at its backyard. – I am not sure what pro tem means? Is it a typo?

her gag as she imagined her predicament if fallen for his trap. – as she imagined her predicament if she had fallen for his trap.

As soon as her hands went free, she started to untie her legs. – As soon as her hands were free,

She wasn’t too fast but slogged anyways. – She wasn’t too fast but continued to slog away.

Well done and thanks for sharing.

Member
1 month ago

You created wonderful tension and atmosphere in this piece. The introduction of information about Ava’s past career was well done, adding another layer to the scene. I particularly enjoyed the last line. Well done.

Oh! What another intriguing episode you have brought! I’m still catching my breath! I was absolutely riveted to my chair. Your descriptions are spot on. I could see the sudden bright flash of lightning in the darkened room and see it as thefight ensued. Fabulous writing!