SEVERED – Part 3, by Ismael Rodriguez

Continued from last month's Severed - Part 2. Stress can do interesting things.

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Peggy
Member
1 month ago

Oh, I’m so glad Annie is alive, even if we don’t know where she is or if she’s safe! I’m really liking the character growth and the intrigue you’re building, with this story, Ismael, especially the telepathic abilities of the twins. Sure would like to know more about the dad, and all his dealings…

Can’t wait for next month!

Jan
Member
Jan
1 month ago

Hi Ismael,

I’m sorry I haven’t read the preceding stories (yet). You’ve done a great job of building the tension here and leaving us with a chilling cliffhanger with more questions than answers.

I like the world that you have created here with this complex intrique – very elegant and at the same time, not drowing the reader in details, as can sometimes happen with this genre. 

A very engaging and compelling read, definitely leaving me wanting to know what will happen next.

Thank you for sharing!

Paul J P Slater
1 month ago

Hi Ismael,

I agree with Elaine. Not only is this riveting but it stands alone which is so important for a short story.

If anything, I was crying out for a little bit more emotion and internal thoughts from the narrator and less of the mechanical movements.

Thank you for sharing.
Keep writing.

Cheers,
Paul

Elaine Dodge
Member
1 month ago

Awesome. Can’t wait for part 4. And best of all this also stands on its own. Well done.

Seyi
Member
1 month ago

Hey Ismael, and trust all goes well with you and yours? Really well done with this piece. You deliver on the promise of parts 1 and 2, with interest. The opening scene is tightly written and the ‘Dad’ character continues to act out, making me think he is deep into something ultra-shady. I really like how you developed the mind-link between the brothers, the way you wrote it encourages suspension of disbelief. Do watch out for repetition of the word ‘twisted,’ though. Early on, you had that the Dad character’s ‘mouth twisted.’ But later on, you had that he ‘…twisted and lowered to the floor,’ (which I think I ‘got’.) You also had that the detective ‘…twisted his lip’ (which I struggled with.) Also the expertise that your narrator showed in searching through his brother’s brain, to see where ‘…memories might be buried’ was tough to believe, considering he did not know he had these powers a few moments ago. Describing what he was doing unconsciously may have had a better effect, without him having the wherewithal to purposely use these newly found powers. Hope this makes sense, and that it helps? Cool story and looking forward. Best regards, Seyi

Seyi
Member
1 month ago

Hey Ismael, and trust all goes well with you and yours? Really well done with this piece. You deliver on the promise of parts 1 and 2, with interest. The opening scene is tightly written and the ‘Dad’ character continues to act out, making me think he is deep into something ultra-shady. I really like how you developed the mind-link between the brothers, the way you wrote it encourages suspension of disbelief. Do watch out for repetition of the word ‘twisted,’ though. Early on, you had that the Dad character’s ‘mouth twisted.’ But later on, you had that he ‘…twisted and lowered to the floor,’ (which I think I ‘got’.) You also had that the detective ‘…twisted his lip’ (which I struggled with.) Also the expertise that your narrator showed in searching through his brother’s brain, to see where ‘…memories might be buried’ was tough to believe, considering he did not know he had these powers a few moments ago. Describing what he was doing unconsciously may have had a better effect, without him having the wherewithal to purposely use these newly found powers. Hope this makes sense, and that it helps? Cool story and looking forward. Best regards, Seyi

Anne
Member
1 month ago

OMG! I didn’t even realize I had sat up straighter and almost holding my breath until I reached the end of this installment! The vivid pictures you can paint with your words, my friend, are extraordinary. I’m sorry it took me a few days to get to reading your piece, but I promise I’ll be sitting at the proverbial edge of my seat waiting for next month’s piece. Thank you so much, Ismael, for sharing your talent with us. πŸ™‚

Jane
Member
1 month ago

Hi Ismael
Another gripping instalment. Loved it.
I am also so glad that it was not actually Annie’s head.
Can’t wait to read more.

A few small editing suggestions:
β€œThat’s Detective, son,” he said, squinting at me. β€œYour father tells a different story.” – I am a little confused by the first sentence – what does “That’s Detective, son” mean?

 I didn’t know what I expected to see, but the rhythm didn’t change. – perhaps I don’t know what I expected to see (to avoid two lots of didn’t in the same sentence).

My hands started sweating and my head felt weird, like I had a sinus infection when I was a kid. – I think this should be – , like when I had a sinus infection as a young kid.

Brilliant, thank you for sharing.

Astrid
Member
1 month ago

Hola Ismael, You never disappoint with your wonderful stories, and I’m glad I found my way into this one. I must admit I haven’t read the other parts, but this is filled with intrigue, amazing imagery, and gripping emotions that give life to a rather surreal scene. I felt I was there, stepping into your MC’s shoes. Hats off, my friend! Astrid

Stevie
Member
1 month ago

Finally, part three arrives! I really like how you express the connection between the twins. One cannot help but feel that this will be the key to finding Anne. I feel quite frustrated that the father still does not want to hear anything positive about the boys and the police are equally annoying with their preconceived ideas. I also like your way of story telling, the immediacy of the expressions that the MC uses makes it easy to imagine the scene. Ah I feel some emotions, which point to your skill as a story teller. There are a few minor grammatic corrections, nothing serious. This is a very intriguing tale with a hint of some secrets. Patiently waiting for part 4!

Athina Antoniou
Member
1 month ago

So many unanswered questions, so much suspense, your story kept me on the edge of my seat, Ismael! And in the end, Annie makes a figurative appearance. Can’t wait to read next month’s story.