Secrets Within by Jes Brimer

I am a family secret.

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Becky
11 months ago

This story flowed well, I enjoyed reading it. I would suggest showing an example of Adam’s character so his betrayal is more believable. I liked how her twin whispered to her, and the identity of the voice was revealed later. Very creative story and characters, thanks for sharing!

Beth Stillman Blaha
11 months ago

Very cool. I was guessing the whole time. I agree with the previous comment that you could add in some details that maybe seem innocuous about Adam but end up being foreshadowing for his betrayal. Some places need proofreading. I love a good witch story and this was much more creative than them going into the house to be murdered unexpectedly or something. Nice work!!

Melissa
11 months ago

This was an entertaining read! It kept me guessing until the end. I still want to know who Adam and the hooded figures really are. Priests? Death?

Leila Kirkconnell
11 months ago

Positive feedback:
I very much enjoyed the story filled with suspense that kept me hooked to the end. What a twist I didn’t see coming though I wondered about Adam’s reaction(s) throughout.
Constructive feedback:
Editing/proofreading is recommended.

Peggy
11 months ago

I love a good ghost story, or stories about haunted houses, and when there’s a mystery mixed in all the better! You have all the elements of a great story, and I found myself drawn into the story and the mystery from the beginning to the end. Others have mentioned the need to add some foreshadowing, as well as editing, so I’ll leave it at that and tell you instead that I was quite entertained by your suspenseful story and thank you for sharing!

Hyle Bathurst
11 months ago

Holy cow! My mind is blown. I freaking love this! The creepy house. The voice whispering in her ear. I love the idea of twin witches, one dead and one alive. This is such an interesting concept that I would read a book about it if you ever wrote one.
And that deceiving husband….I hope he gets what comes to him.
Fantastic story. Gave me chills.
Great job!
Hyle

AJ Millen (pen name of Mandi Millen)

Well, that took a turn I didn’t see coming. I really enjoyed it – the sense of foreboding, the unease, the atmosphere, and the final betrayal. Great work.

Chantel
11 months ago

I always love a spooky story, and you didn’t disappoint with this one. I also agree about foreshadowing a bit, in terms of Adam, but it doesn’t detract from the story badly. Well done, and thank you for sharing.

Timaeus
11 months ago

I, like all above, so did not see that one coming. When I saw paranormal, I thought ok ghost and haunting but this took a way better turn. I like the ideas around family secrets and the build up to what they are. The reveal of who the voice was I enjoyed as well. I was wondering if it was an inner voice or a ghost at first.
A bit of proof reading is needed but overall I really enjoyed the story and the build up of suspense. I want more.

Amber
11 months ago

Eek, this took a creepy turn quick! I felt like I would’ve liked to know more about why the twins were a prominent piece of information, and how or why her husband knew things he did and betrayed her- but I totally get the word count limitation! To help edit, I would suggest reading your story out loud at a normal pace- I think it would catch a lot of the unnatural sounding sentences and wrong words that a word editor wouldn’t. Overall good job, it had me curious and creeped out from the beginning!

Paul J P Slater
11 months ago

Hi Jes,

I like the idea of a haunted house as the reader never quite knows what’s coming next.

I noted a few things for your consideration.
The dialogue has been mentioned. Read Aloud or some other online variant helps with this.
Your adverb count is low but “maybe” there are a few more you can “abruptly” think about. Well done.
Perhaps “mom took one secret to her grave”. Just a few thoughts.

Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.

Cheers,
Paul

Christy Kunin
10 months ago

Great Halloween story. I loved the concept you’ve got here and think there’s a lot you could work with to develop this into a longer piece. Your readers are wanting more and that’s a great thing. Well done.