Pilgrimage from Aselom by CReese

The sun peeking through the curtains awoke Arnion at dawn.  He immediately knelt to meditate, as always, but couldn’t seem to clear his mind.  Today was the last day of his priesthood training and the day his pilgrimage would begin. Several of his older brothers and sisters in the temple had already gone on pilgrimages. ...

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Member
4 months ago

Well done! A beautiful story and a solid parable.

Just some thoughts on how you could improve the story (again, not nagging, it’s a good story):

I think the message would be even stronger if you explained how the sacrifice of that one child eliminated everything bad. Was it a pact with some god? Some kind of magic?

The premise reminds me of the origin of the word “scape goat”. In the Middle Ages, you would blame everything that is wrong on a goat and sacrifice the animal to get rid of it.

Well done, looking forward to your next one!

Member
5 months ago

This is a wonderful story, it created a world of images and questions for me which I really enjoy. I want to read much more , dont stop.

Member
5 months ago

Hi,
I loved the image you have used for your story. Did you draw it yourself? Coming to the story, this was a deep story under the veneer of a fable. I got a feeling that this is a part of a larger story? The world creation was great and everything in your narrative was visually appealing. Great writing! Thank you for sharing!

Member
5 months ago

Well done on the story, it has a solid message throughout with a believable main character. I would just remember to start a new paragraph when someone is speaking, it makes it a bit easier to follow dialogue. I thought it moved at a good pace and had a clear theme, good work.

Member
5 months ago

If this is a parable, I loved it. Your writing transported me to a different era and I was able to experience the sights and sounds and smells as if I were journeying there. From this tale, I take a simple message, our purpose is merely to strive for perfection but it is unattainable. “Peace” on the other hand is a state of mind that could be ours.