7. Paltook by Mia Botha

These lips don't lie.

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Deryn
28 days ago

Yuk indeed – a slash story! Couldn’t they just have their tongues cut out???!!! Haunting imagery, for which, thank you!!! D

Michael
28 days ago

Nice! I like the way you land us in a mysterious place, lead us on a side-track to a quest with odd inhabitants and then wrap it all up with a grim revelation. Oh, plus a bit of a cliff hanger for good measure.

Limor
28 days ago

This is great. Kooky and twisted and reminiscent of those ‘Choose your own adventure” books I read in the 1980’s. Nice stuff, Mia!

Mary Higginson
28 days ago

Interesting story with a spooky vibe.

David Jones
28 days ago

Ahhhhh – off with the mouths of babes…

David Jones
28 days ago

I was very intrigued to see how you handled this piece. I was interested in how you would use the prompt (well done) and also how the length would turn out!

Good piece.

Thank you for starting this group and all the work you do on it. Yoo da best!!!

DJ

nelia
27 days ago

It’s a well crafted piece..
Terrified of the child but also curious.. why does it has to be her? Does she have some kind of power?
Terrifying but captivating..
Loved it! ❤️

Sue
Sue
27 days ago

Now this is an interesting and yucky take on the prompt! Good one.

Didi Bono
27 days ago

Loved the dark twist at the end, especially the fact it’s a child that seems to be in charge. Nice take on sci fi /fantasy, I was quickly transported to another world that seemed scary and threatening. Well done Mia !

Jennifer
26 days ago

Interesting take on the prompt. It’s amazing how man people went to dark places with it. I wonder why?

Excellent description and sensory details. Good pacing and forward momentum. You didn’t slow down the action with too many details but you provided a sense of the setting well. The story moved with the just the dialog between the characters.

Thanks for sharing this piece. I can’t wait to read the rest of the book!

Bhavna K.
26 days ago

That relief lasted only three lines. Ask no more or your lips will be sealed. A grim and grotesque ending. Nicely done!

Peggy
23 days ago

Another fine mess you’ve landed them in, Mia! As usual, I love how you move the story forward with dialogue, as well as the “yucky disturbing” imagery you give us to describe the setting and the “priests.” I have nothing to critique with this story, Mia, it’s fast paced, pulls the reader in, and holds us spellbound, worried for their fate.
Can’t wait to see what Misunderstanding they’ll encounter next month!
Well done.

yona nyawir
22 days ago

Fast-paced, once a reader is sucked in, no relief till the end. And this is achieved through short realistic dialogues that delivered just at the point. Well done, Mia.

Randy Hughes
21 days ago

I have to say I am not used to third person present, so it took a bit to get into the read, but it was nice to get an example (I went and looked at Rabbit Run as an example). The story is well told and the present tense adds immediacy, though chunky in some spots (some of the dialogue beats), which would be difficult to avoid in such a short story (It seems like third present lends itself to deep internal description, though that is pure conjecture on my part).

The concept of having your lips and tongue cut out to keep a secret is disturbing. Having it done by a child-queen makes it more so.

This was an enjoyable story, which kept my interest throughout. Thanks for sharing.

Mia GMAILTEST
3 days ago

Testing the new comments.