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  • How do I writea story, spellbindingwith drama and tears,which I can endby saying,“And everybody dies”? I can throw togethersome random ideas andrise them to a crescendo, so thatat the end I can say,“And everyb […]

    • I have to read this again, to pinpoint exactly why I find this so enchanting – but what delicate stream-of-consciousness writing! I’m still smiling.

    • Can’t argue with that fundamental truth. 🙂

    • Hello,
      Well they do say that the only things in life which are certain are death and taxes. Thanks for sharing your exasperation with writing the perfect plot.

    • I really enjoyed this poem – yes, you are right!

    • Clare replied 1 month ago

      Hi – I love the contrasts and contradictions scattered with a good dollop of cynicism! A refreshingly different piece that speaks to adapting our writing ( I think) to meet critical acclaim and/or reader approval? Great work

  • There is nothing worse than disappointing a child. Very sad, but well-written.

  • Planned many months ahead, the holiday was supposed to be a time of rest and relaxation. “You can have time for yourself. I’ll take care of the girls”, Mike promised. Grateful for his thoughtfulness, Gretha start […]

    • Hi there. I love your story, except for the reason for his mood and the happy resolution at the end. But that’s me! The complicated relationship dynamic is so well written and unsettling, it seemed the easy choice to make it a happy ending. But that’s just me. The holiday in the beginning is particularly well observed.

    • That was not the ending I expected. The story spirals towards tragedy and allows the reader to connect with the wife and daughters, to grow dread the fate, and then it pivots–a lovely surprise. “Retrench” was a new term. I guessed from context what it means and Google confirmed. (In the US, we usually say one is “laid off.” Somehow, “trenched” sounds more ominous, almost fatal.)

      The only part that tripped me up relates to verb tense. “Was she conscious of the fact that he drank so much? What else didn’t she notice?” It seemed awkward to me to use “was” at the point of realization. Maybe, “Had she been conscious…?” and “What else hadn’t she noticed?” Minor point though. The story flowed well and was engaging.

      Thank you for sharing!

  • Thank you for all the kind comments.

  • Day has passeddarkness descendsmoonlight mightdrive away our fears,if it appearsat all But we knowlight urgesaway darknessalways,the ebony surrendering to the ivoryevaporating the gloomuntil the morning […]

  • I liked how you created a build-up to the eventual disappointment.

  • I really like the anticipation you created with every step she took closer to getting the lady to allow her into her home.

  • Leona, wonderful as always. Will tell you the rest of my comments over some java.

  • Abra slowly pushed up on her arms and despite the excruciating pain, she dragged herself out of the mud that seemed to seep into every exposed pore of her skin. The sensation of dirt on her skin made her feel […]

    • I was hooked by your teaser; this is such a strong starting sentence: “Abra slowly pushed up on her arms and despite the excruciating pain, she dragged herself out of the mud that seemed to seep into every exposed pore of her skin.”
      And the story did not disappoint. I would love to keep reading to find out what happens! This would be a great one to make intoa longer story.
      One suggestion is to pay special attention to your verb tenses when reviewing/editing. There were a couple of places I had to read a few times to understand the flow because of shifts in tense or subject/verb agreement.
      Overall, it was a great story! I like how it ended with a question.

    • Hello! I really enjoyed your story. I think this has a lot of potential to be a larger piece if it isn’t already. You seem to have a well thought out character and the backstory is really rich. It would almost have been nice to have more words so that the backstory wasn’t more prominent than the ‘now’ part of the story. Great idea and I hope you write more.

    • I liked the story, and I do agree with the first comment that it forms the basis for a longer story or indeed a novel!
      Nicely written…

  • Thank you for you kind comments Chloe. The poem originally had stanzas, but the system sometimes removes them. I put them back and hope it reads easier.

  • Another one is cryingOne more person dyingRows of lonely gravesStaring at statisticsWishing we were really brave Another one refusesMore and more excusesWaiting for solutionsSorry that it seemsAs if the worldWill […]

    • Hello! I really enjoyed your poem. I think its really impactful and you tell a great story throughout. Only my personal opinion but I think this may be easier to read if it were split into stanzas. Just something to think about. Nice writing.

    • Hi CE,
      An encouragement and a call to arms! You softly nuanced the beginning, begging for some understanding within. Then, a stronger voice, forceful yet careful, emerged; instructing and separating. Love it!!

    • Nice poem and thought about pest threats. It seems that you want pest threat go or they do nothing. But still there will be another threat if they do nothing.

    • Thank you for you kind comments Chloe. The poem originally had stanzas, but the system sometimes removes them. I put them back and hope it reads easier.

    • Hello,
      Your poem is really timely with the climate conference nearly upon us. Well done and thanks for sharing it with us.

  • A wonderful story. I liked the line, “She believed a hairdresser was like a priest or a therapist but cheaper with less commitment”.

  • Thanx Lucy for taking the time to read and the valuable feedback. I tend to agree. I wrote in a big hurry and should take more time to develop Blue’s character.

  • Why did it have to end? I must know what happened next!

  • A wonderful, wonderful story with lots of heart. Well done!

  • Strange, deformed little flowers appeared at the edge of the forest where the children walked. They didn’t look like Earth’s flowers used to, but they were certainly trying. The three teens didn’t pick them to ma […]

    • I think this is a really interesting premise and sci-fi world. One thing I would say as I know this is a rough draft but I feel Blue is a little too human?

    • Thanx Lucy for taking the time to read and the valuable feedback. I tend to agree. I wrote in a big hurry and should take more time to develop Blue’s character.

  • I had a friend who loved pottery and she sounded exactly like this. The creative process sets you free.

  • I liked the rhythm in “falling in love with the night after all ordeals are now out of sight “. Beautifully done.

  • Thank you jezmond. I appreciate your comment.

  • The existence of me

    a perfect bowl

    glazed white,

    but no longer stable,

    predictable

    Shivering, shaking and

    eventually teetering on

    the edge of

    the shelf of life before

    falling

    down,

    further than anyone […]

    • I love the metaphor used for the bowl – existence as the bowl, beautiful and somewhat fragile. Well done. I loved this poem.

    • Thank you jezmond. I appreciate your comment.

    • I loved this poem! Especially “Further than anyone ever wants to go” and “The stuff that I was made of” … I can absolutely identify with that ‘not wanting to go’ and finally realising that it’s all about the stuff one is made of ‘revealing’ who you really are — i.e. broken yet somehow more whole than you were.

    • The “was made of” possesses a truly ominous feel…gone? or evolved?

    • ‘Was made of’ … a clever phrase to introduce the growth that follows destruction. I liked your choice of ‘glazed white’, immediately alerting us to the artifice that rules so many of our actions and lives.
      A thoughtful read. Thank you.

    • Hello,
      The image of a plain white bowl as a metaphor for your existence is very vivid. I like the poem very much. I wonder whether the bowl stands shivering, shaking, or whether it would be more true to life if it was knocked off the shelf of life? Just a thought. It’s really a very powerful poem.

    • I really enjoyed this, yes I love the way it acts as a metaphor for existence. How, in the end, we all are dust.

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Yerushah

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@yerushah

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