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  • I liked your title, which is why I read it. I’m glad I did. It was a delightful story and well written.

  • It was fun to go to a party. It’s beens so long. I enjoyed the wine and conversations. This group dared to go where no man goes…even tried politics for a second. I must admit, I do feel men might have been bashed around a bit lately.

  • This was such an enjoyable read. I should try reading romance more. You told the story beautifully

  • This is so imaginative and I was intrigued. Your writing is so beautiful. A great example of showing, not telling…which I find so difficult to do.

  • Thank you so much Jane for the complements and the feedback. I’m so glad you liked it.

  • Hi Jane,
    What an interesting story and so effortlessly told. I’d love to see where this goes.

  • The art of deception by Trace

    #

    I felt the familiar sting of disapproval. I knew it would be coming at any moment. I don’t know why I should have been affected by my every attempt to please, being wrong.  Th […]

    • Hi Trace,
      Wow a glimpse into a very sad and lonely life. I feel so bad for the MC as she is abused and taken for granted by every person in this dysfunctional family. And to top it off by the time I got to the end of your story I am sure that Eric is no doubt cheating on her. So really I can see no reason for her to put up with this God Awful situation any longer.
      I really hope she finds some long lost self esteem and realises she is too good to be treated this way and walks out on the all.
      You drew me into this story and I could picture the drunk sister in law, the shattering glass, the slurred words and the whole uncomfortable lunch.
      One small suggestion is that perhaps the slurred words are a little too hard to read at times, maybe if you could edit to make it just a little clearer.

      Really enjoyed this paragraph, love the imagery you created here: Taking a deep breath, I urged myself to enjoy these beautiful moments untainted by the love I did not feel. I watched as the wind partnered with cracked and brittle leaves spinning them round in flights of laughter. A committed couple of ducks landed on the water shaking their tails at the shore.

      Some small edits maybe:
      Patty hoisted herself up to get herself another beer. – don’t need the second herself, it is implied. Patty hoisted herself up to get another beer.
       Families rode their bikes, lovers petaled boats and seagulls- pedalled
       A cool breeze hit my skin sending shivers to wake me to the beautiful picture now appearing to my eyes.  – doesn’t sound quite right – maybe beautiful picture before my eyes.

      Great job Trace, thanks for sharing:)

    • Hi Trace,

      Congratulations in conveying such a sad and solitary existence for this poor person. She comes across as nice and well balanced but who is sadly caught up in the wrong relationship. I would be sad to think that any of this is from personal experience.

      I do agree with Jane about the slurred words. I often inject some of my hometown vernacular but I know I have to throttle it back in order to be understood.

      I offer suggestions for a few things you might wish to consider in order to tighten up the story.

      You commence the first three sentences with the pronoun “I”. Try starting the second sentence in another way to break this up.

      The name Carol is also repeated in the opening paragraph. If you write about someone in a separate paragraph you may find that you only need to mention their name once.

      I love the title of the book your MC reads.

      Do you mean “dun already” or should it be “done already”?

      In general have a close look at repeats especially in close proximity.

      Your adverb count is around 20. Check out your “ly” words and consider swapping some out.

      I love the line “The futile appeals of a lifelong coddling mother whose infirmity finally matched her age” and the images it conjures up.

      This line is priceless “Hallmark did all the speaking for this family”

      I enjoyed this dark story and hope that all of it came from your imagination.

      Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing.

      Cheers,
      Paul

  • Trace and Profile picture of KimKim are now friends 1 week, 5 days ago

  • Hi Sharon,
    Thank you for taking me on this sweet play time.

  • Hi Christian,
    Thank you for reading. I was going more for new beginnings….although yes, ambiguity also applies. I’m not sure if you are familiar with the song “fade to black” by Metallica. It is dark and hopeless and final. I wanted fade to white to signify the opposite of that; light, hopeful and new.

  • Sadly, we’ve all had our hearts broken. There is joy waiting on the other side (I’m writing to myself too).

  • This made me smile. something lighthearted is very welcome. Think I’ll end here for the night.

  • this leaves me inspired. beautiful.

  • This made me smile. loved it.

  • You have expressed the overwhelm of college students everywhere, and beautifully so. well done on the syllables and rhyme challenge as well.

  • I have felt the urge to run in the am and instead snuggle back under the covers. You could be the reason I get out of bed!

  • very thoughtful and beautifully written. well done.

  • lovely writing. I like the last line

  • very clever and good job with the syllables and rhyme.

  • this is really lovely. No thing is greater than a humble heart-an under appreciate virtue in our times

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Trace

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