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  • Well written, an almost elegiac tale of life faded into mere existence. You can almost, but not quite, feel empathy on the MC who continually adjusted her standards downward. How low will she go? Would be nice to have sequel where she’s shaken and awakens. Great story and thanks for sharing.

  • Wow how imaginative and sweet at the same time. Given the state of the world a few more key keepers might be in order! Just one thing that caught my eye was ending the sentence “middle of” (to many years of being told not to end a sentence with a preposition!). I like how the lack of flower knowledge brought out the MC’s innocence. This piece…[Read more]

  • Hi Deryn, I liked the loop around at the end. I hope the descriptions of the pain involved in transitioning from writer to author are not autobiographica, although they certainly appear realistic. Good luck with your challenge!

  • My favorite bit was the snake eating its tail conga line checkout. You have good back and forth, but it took a while to get to the mystery bit and it looked like you ran out of spacetime to delve into it (or is that typical for these ladies?). I see the stink eye has been weaponized again!

  • A sad ending to your saga, and sadder still that the gift could not have been extended to another (non-human) creature. One small error — telekinesis is the ability to move objects through though alone, I think the word you wanted is telepathy, the ability to transmit thoughts.

  • Oh wow, I was almost expecting some supernatural twist at the end, but stalker seems more likely. I think you developed all three characters very well and held my interest throughout.

  • Elevenses by Teresa Preziosi

    #

    Miranda sat at the only unoccupied deuce watching the barista work his magic between glances at her phone and the door.  Alice moved at her own pace, but … ah, there she was.  Mir […]

    • Hi Teresa, I really liked your story – all based around a good brew. This Jeremy fellow sounds like a magician with the brews.
      I got a little confused in the large paragraph at the end where he was having his third cup of Death Wish coffee. I am assuming he started a relationship with Alice, only to have it burn him out completely and make him addicted to his own very strong coffee to stay awake. But did he break up with her?? As it appears he is now showing an interest in Zoe:)

      A few small edits required, odd word missing or an extra word put in:

      Alice stared in disbelief as flowed through the motions.- as he flowed through the motions

      She was irked when clerk stole her attention away requesting payment. – when the clerk

      as focused as a wine connoisseur with an exciting new a new vintage. you have extra words remove one new and the a.

      Jeremy ran his hand over his face as poured his third mug of Death Wish coffee – over his face as he poured

      An enjoyable read, thanks for sharing:)

    • Hi Teresa. I like that you’ve managed to spin a 1200 word story around serving up tea in a cafe. Jane has already pointed out some of the edits that I picked up as well. I’m not sure about a lot of things. Has he done away with Alice? Was Miranda an ex? There’s a lot more to be written in this story and I think that’s the problem I’m having with understanding what’s actually going on. That large paragraph towards the end seems to be the most confusing of all ‘Miranda came alone, at an off-hour when the place was nearly empty. Warning him that Alice was a night owl’ I really don’t know what that’s all about. Maybe you need to spend a bit more time on this, or maybe it’s just me that has cobwebs for brains.

    • Hi Teresa,

      Jeremy certainly knows how to catch the attention of the ladies as he works his magic with a brew.

      In the opening paragraph… “Alice moved at her own pace…” needs a new paragraph as the first sentence is about Miranda while this is about Alice. It’s not a problem inserting more paragraphs as more white space makes it easier fr the reader.

      I picked up on some repeats such as in… “Jeremy. Oh I mean, he asked my name! He said, ‘Hello Lemongrass lady. May I know your name?’ and I told him and he told me his was Jeremy!” I suggest rejigging this type of sentence to use only one instance of “Jeremy” along with reducing “name” and “he said… he told” to one instance. It’s no biggie but the sentences will flow better with the repeats removed.

      Keep writing.

      Thank you for sharing.

      Seasons greetings.

      Cheers,
      Paul

  • Thanks so much, I really can spell, it’s typing that gives me fits and of course my eye sees what it thinks I meant and not what is really there. Someday I’ll learn to edit my own stuff! Thanks for your lovely comments.

  • Not the ending I’d expected… sounds like the “friend” isn’t really acting like one after all… One comment on the writing. The line It is quite a story and will not be easy for you to believe?” reads to me like a statement not a question. Nice way to work the prompt into your ongoing story!

  • Hi Michael, I see you’ve been continuing the story — I haven’t received any Friday updates in a couple of weeks so I was wondering what was up! So I’ve a bit of a gap (how did Jenvik reduce Gildrim?) but hopefully not too much harm was done to the Dwarves… the seemed a bit nicer to Jenvik than the first lot… one wonders now if Jenvik’s…[Read more]

  • Hi Seyi! Thanks for reading. I guess I write too much from a certain cultural perspective… Schwartz is German for black (black Shepard dog….). Also when companies run clinical trials they have protocol they must follow… the treatment you get depends on which one you get randomly assigned to. Sometimes that is no treatment at all…[Read more]

  • Great descriptions and visuals. I saw the ending coming, but it was a fun ride to there. I love the layering of elements… the training that was so (un)helpful, the cobbled contraption that was so effective. And of course the cat and mouse game in a whole new light. Quite an enjoyable read.

  • What a cast of characters. I did have a bit of trouble keeping up with who was who, but it all sorted out in the end… I hope.

  • Wow – so many twists…. and funky smells. Like a gnarly scene from a movie.

  • The Gramps is out there…. (bad X-files reference – sorry!). Interesting and while it stands alone it could also go in very many directions. Intriguing!

  • Nice. I too wrote a pandemic theme and so I was drawn to read yours. So realistic and very visual. I could see it playing out. Well done.

  • Hi Harvey! Thanks, but I did stick to the word count… I think the website has gone wonky as that was for the October prompt … I cannot seem to read or find any November stories!

  • Candidate by Teresa Preziosi#Of course I’m winded I walked too far.  I’m just anxious because curfew isn’t over yet, that must be it. Convinced it was just a panic attack, Darren forced himself to increase his pac […]

    • Hey Tereza and howzit? This is eerie, particularly in view of the ongoing health crisis. The idea of indigent people being plucked off the street, to be forced into random ‘protocols’ plays to some of our deepest fears. I liked ‘Fierce barking turned his anxiety to terror,’ and ‘…calming himself as much as the dog…’ these lines give us a great insight into Darren’s character. I did wonder who or what Schwartz was though, perhaps the dog? Your reference in the last line ‘Wish granted,’ puzzled me a bit. What wish? There are a few typos and grammatical errors but nothing another round of self-editing won’t catch. Plenty done in short word count. Best regards, Seyi

      • Hi Seyi! Thanks for reading. I guess I write too much from a certain cultural perspective… Schwartz is German for black (black Shepard dog….). Also when companies run clinical trials they have protocol they must follow… the treatment you get depends on which one you get randomly assigned to. Sometimes that is no treatment at all (placebo). Darren wished his heart would just stop… and so it did in the end.

    • Nice story with plenty real atmosphere. It’s strange how your story and mine have such similar broad ideas. A man in a van, a strange location. This was well done and felt real and authentic. I did spot an error here: Rousing, semi-aware Darren realized he was intact, but unable to move, retrained, though there was no fight left in him. Just pointing it out so you can correct it. Good job!

      • Thanks so much, I really can spell, it’s typing that gives me fits and of course my eye sees what it thinks I meant and not what is really there. Someday I’ll learn to edit my own stuff! Thanks for your lovely comments.

    • Hi Teresa, a fast-paced short story. Packed with lots of information. I liked your interpretation of the prompt, making Area 52 some type of testing place.
      One small suggestion on this sentence:
      It headed straight for him, knocking him backward into the shrubs as the beast hit him, strong paws upon his chest.  
      I feel you could do without the – as the beast him him – part of this sentence.
      It headed straight for him, knocking him backward into the shrubs, strong paws upon his chest.
      Thanks for sharing.

    • The tone is so sinister and dark, which works really well. I think the way you have nailed the tone makes what could potentially be every day situations e.g. walking home, curfews etc… into a really terrifying situation. I think my only comment would be on the line ‘Fierce barking turned his anxiety to terror.’ For me, it took me out of the story a little. I think because I couldn’t imagine his reaction, maybe describing his reaction to terror could keep this tiny bit more active to keep the tension going. Other than that, really tiny thing, I thought this was a great story.

    • Hi Teresa. Well done on packing so much detail and story into so few words! One thing I did notice when I was reading, was that the piece felt a bit stilted. I read and re-read it to try and work out why it felt that way to me and I think it’s because of all the ‘ing’ words you use. Words like ‘focusing’, ‘telling’, ‘whipping’, ‘rousing’. When you leave out ‘ing’ words and use more direct words like ‘he focused’, ‘he whipped’ etc it seems to add more direction to the writing and helps things flow along more easily. You end up with a shown story rather than a told story. Just my observation. Well done and thanks for sharing.

  • Hi Fizza! Thanks for your wonderful comments. After all of the feedback I went through it again and tweaked the ending. It can still be a bit of a cliff hanger, but there is now closure also.

  • You are most welcome. Thank you for your comments on my writing. Since I had so much feedback on the ending I went back and did a bit of cutting and editing so I had room for one more sentence. Feel free to read the alternate ending now.

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Teresa

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