• A very unique tale, I can’t really classify it, it was mysterious and captivating, sometimes funny in a very unusual way; well written as well.

  • Hi Duane, this was a very enjoyable read, with great descriptions which help to visualise the characters . You have great vocabulary and imagination. Only thing is that at times I think the descriptions are almost too detailed and slow down the pace of your story. Besides this thumbs up from me.

  • It was completely unnecessary, I should have known from the start. I was feeling like the whole society had put me in the rubbish. Like, you’re literally worth nothing. 55 years, forced into early retirement; t […]

    • Very vivid descriptions throughout! You definitely titled and included a line that will stay with me for a while, especially given this poor guy’s circumstances; The sweet poison of hope. And how sweet it is. Overall, a solid little tale!

    • A very relatable tale. I recall the time when I was about 50 and mentioned to someone that I might want to be an executive secretary at one of the casino hotels. I had tons of experience, but the person I was speaking to looked at me and said “You’re too old.”
      And the part where one neglects one’s own health in the rat race of the job.
      Your story drew me back into the past and I wept for the MC’s sadness.
      The sweet poison of hope….so well said!
      Excellent writing.

    • Hey Tassilo, I must say even without giving him a name, you captured your protagonist’s frustration and resentment with his lot in life in a most relatable manner. There’s even a sense of desperation being conveyed as he comes to terms with the number of years left truly being numbered. A portrayal that also provides the character with humanity in spite of what they’re face. Thanks for sharing.

    • To me, the line “the sweet poison of hope” is a simple yet ‘stabbing’, relatable to almost many daily occurrences. IMO, it’s the climax of the story. I love how you elaborate his internal fiasco right after the climax, and I guess for someone who’s easily hooked with one’s misery – you really delivered an impressive craft here.

  • Thanks for your comment, which motivates me to write more regularly 🙂

  • Thanks for the comment and the advice on the opening para!

  • Nice, very surprising end, which made me want to read the letter all over again to find some hints.
    So what started like a letter between friends turns becomes more and more passionate and turns out to be much more than that, a letter to over-come the loss of a loved one. Beautiful 🙂

  • Our Landrover glides through the jungle, the muddy roads worsen as we’re nearing our destination. We, that’s Jess, a photo reporter from a Canadian newsmagazine and myself, Julien Vasain winner of several ren […]

    • Very scary! I liked the breakup of the story in the little vignettes. The contrasts between the two characters was very well handled. You have left a cliffhanger so I’m wondering if they make it out. Good job! – Otter

    • This was a seriously good adventure tale !

      hopefully Julian has a little more respect for Jess – she picked up on what he missed.

      I would suggest relooking at your wording in your opening para – with more tweaking you could make it more engaging and less pedestrian.

      also look at your formatting – keep different dialogue speakers on separate lines.

      Good story – thoroughly enjoyed it!

    • Once this story got going, I was gripped. I loved the come-uppance the MC gets from his ‘instagram’ colleague!
      I think the introductory paragraph (or two) could be a little more ‘grabbing’. It was a alittle too textbook at first. Maybe you could change the wording to something like ‘how did I get a rookie, instagram-loving, image-conscious blonde as a colleague for this investigation into Vote-rigging ‘ (I know I have too many hyphens there but I’m writing off the cuff here).
      A couple of words threw me ‘ discern’ huts? Would something like ‘we eventually discover some huts along the side of the track’? or have I missed the point?
      The Chief could do with a little more defining – there are times he seems believable in his occasional struggle with the English language and times when he speaks like a westerner. Is this part of the plot or did you just wander off-character for a moment? Either way , it would work but if it is part of the plot then maybe it could be made a bit more obvious to dimwits like me!
      It was a really fast paced tale and worth editing to get it to is readable best. I’d love to read it if you do that!
      Oh and the Koteka – no way would I NOT look it up after hearing what it is and what they do with it!
      I loved the title and you totally nailed the prompt.

Tassilo von Droste

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active 3 months ago