• Great sense of place. You definitely get an office feel with the way you describe what people are doing. I also liked the jarring change in voice when Paul starts yelling. Good on Janelle for fessing up. I hope Paul’s wrong in assuming the next fuck up is a when, not an if. Sue 🙂

  • Hi Deb,

    Couple of little typos:
    black tongue lolled of its mouth
    as she felt the its laser

    But overall, I really enjoyed the story. Of course, I’d like to know more about what Maris gets up to at the end of the story, but I also think there’s a lot of prequel opportunity here, given enough words. I hope you continue with this story.

    Sue

  • Hi Jeremiah

    This is beautifully written, and a really enjoyable story. I didn’t think the rescue was going to happen, and when it did, I think I was disappointed for about a half a second. Not because I wanted to see Sally die, of course I’d love to see her reunited with her family; but for half a second it seemed too neat with no reason for…[Read more]

  • Hi Elaine,

    I love the energy of this. I love the hyperbole. A few giggles, but my LOL moment was the Brussels sprout-flavoured milkshake. Hyperbole with a touch of sarcasm – what’s not to love!

    Sue

  • Oh, what fun! I like the unkind, judgemental thoughts that she has to keep to herself. I also like that it turns out to be more than a little hypocritical. Adored the twisty ending. Thanks!

  • Hi Jane,

    At first glance I thought you might have got your story titles mixed up and accidentally included last month. Then I was excited to see that you were continuing with “The Alliance”. This could easily be a good guys vs bad guys story, but you’ve layered it really nicely with some moral grey areas. Re the dialogue, I guess you’re dam…[Read more]

  • I like the line about the twitching mouth too 🙂 But there’s a little change of tense in there. As your story is told past tense, then he should have TOLD lies, not tells.

    Thanks for a terrifying story!

  • Hi Jodie,

    Lovely story about hope for people who often don’t have anything left to hope for.

    I found a couple of typos that you might want to fix if you’re reworking this. Votees should be voters, I was quiet satisfied should be quite, and an experience should be experienced.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • You’re the one who got me thinking about chocolate.

    I think Eyes can work as either one or two characters. I think they’d work pretty well as one, but could be interesting to see what two different characters see with slightly different perspectives.

    Thanks for trying to reciprocate, but for now, Mia’s kindly agreed to let me just read and…[Read more]

  • Susan's profile was updated 1 month, 2 weeks ago

  • Hi Evon,

    I loved the way this built untl the final moment when I also held my breath. But I also agree with Panagiotis about showing not telling. Rather than this being a history lesson about what has happened, I very much wanted to know what impact it was having NOW. The open, useless fridge is a nice example of this. I’d also be careful a…[Read more]

  • Hi Debbie,

    What a fun, unusual story! I was another one who was a bit confused at first, but I don’t think it needs to be changed. Good stories are worth putting in a little work. Though you might want to ditch the ‘the’ in the third sentence. All of the other body parts are proper nouns, and setting this one up early might set the scene a lit…[Read more]

  • Hi Julie-Anne,

    I loved the raw emotion of this. There is guilt and anger just about leaping off the page. I like the message that you shouldn’t judge what you don’t understand, and I was also particularly taken with the line “Ethan comes from a middle class home filled with laughing holiday photographs and freshly baked bread.”

    I find it…[Read more]

  • Hi Jane,

    I might be wrong here, but I feel like writing this has taken you out of your comfort zone? Your previous short stories have had a very ‘pretty’ feel about them. I’m sorry, I know pretty probably doesn’t sound complimentary but I don’t know what other word fits. And I definitely do mean it as a compliment. This story felt more grit…[Read more]

Susan

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@susandixon

active 1 week, 2 days ago