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  • Nice cliffhanger, I wasn’t expecting Sofia’s dad to turn up. Really hope he’s not here to take her back home. Also wonder how Arnie is going to get out of being sent away. These two need each other!

  • Sofia is mature beyond her years – thinking about best to comfort Anna. Glad that Arnie’s disappearance is not due to something nefarious.

  • “To the very last, the desire to challenge oneself and understand more. And to the very last: doubt.”
    ― Carlo Rovelli, Seven Brief Lessons on Physics
    Day two through the forest was much the same as Day one. Mo […]

    • Very good, it flowed smoothly. In one sentence you used stress three times. You might want to consider anxious about, worried about instead. A good Thesaurus helps. I can see that Kas is going to help him strengthen his power. There is a lot of ways this could play out. I can’t wait.

  • Dammit, I called it wrong. but it makes sense for Alan to be a hologram. Easier to get about than being tied to a physical body.

    I’m quite stressed about Mark now. Is he a good guy or a bad guy? That’s all I want to know!

  • Great scene. I’m imagining Alan’s consciousness has been downloaded to an android designed in his likeness.

    I’m off to read the next one!

    (One minor question, would you say moisture-controlled rooms instead of humidity-controlled rooms?)

  • Hi Deb, slight disorientation at the beginning because I’d just left Corryn in the previous scene and I’d forgotten about Lopez and Jackson, but I remembered pretty quickly.

    Have a look at this paragraph: “Lopez listened again. From the sounds of it there were several, and not too far away. ”

    It took me a second to realise you were talking…[Read more]

  • Corryn just doesn’t seem to catch a break. How did the Directorate find her again so quickly?
    Loving the action scenes. As mentioned already, the electric shots and lightning branches is a great description. I also liked the description of the mesh snare.

  • Intriguing new references to the Temple and the Project. I get the feeling that this Project is going to be the key to the whole thing.

    In your second paragraph, you write “She drug herself up”. Not sure “drug” is the right word. Should it be “She dragged herself up.”?

  • I don’t think I worded that part particularly well.

    Ben said he wouldn’t forgive himself if something had happened to Kas because of him. “Not like with Danny” is meant to show that they both believe that Danny died because he helped Ben.

    Thanks for reading!

  • “Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go.” – T.S. Eliot”Kas leaned back against a tree, too tired to care that the rough bark was digging into her spine. Once she’d met up wi […]

    • Hi Suchita, a nice scene giving more depth and background to Ben’s character. The dialogue flows nicely, as always. However there are some weird spacing issues, might have been just an auto-formatting thing, where a new paragraph begins but its the same person speaking, and it could get a bit confusing. And I could have used a bit more description of the terrain they are hiking/camping in. I imagine its a forest, but it wasn’t clear to me. Truly can’t find anything else I didn’t like about the scene! Well done 🙂

    • I enjoyed this scene. Watch the word ‘and’. Best example – I am quiet and serious and she’s pure unadulterated joy. The second ‘and is not needed. I am quiet and serious, she’s pure unadulterated joy. I like how she remembers why she didn’t spend more time outdoors.

    • Hi, Suchita. This is a lovely scene, it’s a nice pause, for reflection, for catching up, for resting, after the action from last scene. I have an issue with “she brushed her skin off” – I would suggest “she brushed a bug off her skin”, instead.
      I like how she described her parents. Even before this, I was wondering if she was being a bit harsh on her mom when I got the impression she’s the reliable, practical one.

  • Thanks Jackie, appreciated, and glad you’re enjoying it.

  • Thanks Deb, comments appreciated.

  • Thanks for the feedback, Jackie. Always appreciated.

  • “The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. ” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

    “Happy writing, sona.”  

    “Thanks papa,” Kas squeezed her father extra […]

    • Beautifully written. I loved how you included the smells and the tastes… they made everything more visceral and really pulled me into your scene.

    • Hi Suchita, Great scene! I enjoyed seeing how things played out at the train station, very exciting, and well-planned. I have a feeling tossing away that phone will come back to haunt her!

      There were a couple of minor editing things that tripped me up: for example, when Rob said he liked her, I wasn’t immediately sure who was talking, him or Kas. Near the end, you repeat “Any minute now” a couple of times fairly close together.

      Overall a very strong scene and I can’t wait to see where it takes Kas and Ben next.

    • The second sentence is one very long run on sentence see if you can break it up.
      While Has is strained she went to the train station not the strain station. They took you, not take you into questioning.
      The sentence starting with ‘It” then going on to ‘given her.’ agin could be broken up into more than one sentence.
      Good use of suspense through out the scene. I like it.

    • Hi, Suchita. I really enjoyed this scene. Love the way you built up tension in this scene, how she handles the train ride, the swapping of clothes, and loses them at the train station. I’m glad she threw away the phone, though I probably would have thrown away everything, I’d be that paranoid (drugged sweets! bugged army knife!).
      You had a typo at “the strain station.”

  • (I’m a scene behind everyone else so don’t be confused)

    “But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
    Oh Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for, oh-oh

    What do I stand for?
    What do I stand for?
    Most n […]

    • Hello Suchita, a turning point in the story! Excited to see what is to come for Ben and Kas. Nice imagery of Kas examining her thoughts like “pearls.” Dialogue is spot on. Too bad about Dash, but I am glad Kas is starting to listen to her gut more. Great scene!

    • Great scene, it makes to a nice turning point. I should have never taken as many editorial courses as I have. There are several run on sentences. Look at every time you use the word ‘and’. Can you use another word? Do you have several sentences strung together? I know it sounds picky but it will save you in the long run if you make some of these changes in this first draft. I really like the idea of a writing retreat. I wish I could go on one.

    • Hi Suchita, You did a good job of showing her isolation (even if it’s self-protection) and loneliness. What do you mean “Not like with Danny?” Are you implying Ben didn’t feel guilty about what happened to him?
      I laughed at writing camp. Haven’t we all gone or dreamed about a writing retreat? Nice out!

      • I don’t think I worded that part particularly well.

        Ben said he wouldn’t forgive himself if something had happened to Kas because of him. “Not like with Danny” is meant to show that they both believe that Danny died because he helped Ben.

        Thanks for reading!

  • Stunning descriptions of the military compound and Carnivores. The tension in the confrontation with the red-eyed woman is insane.

    It broke my heart when Claire initially hesitated to go to John – from her question, the Carnivores have clearly been dong some brainwashing.

    Riveting stuff.

  • Wow. What a great scene! From the action of the first few paragraphs to the interrogation, you had me totally gripped.

    This may read better with a comma/semi colon instead of a full stop between two of the sentences:  “Joshua reluctantly felt that kinship with this Ivan now towering over him. Though he knew he could never understand this one…[Read more]

  • Hi Deb, the one thing you’ve done really well is contrast the descriptions of the land outside the Dome with the world inside. The former feels dusty, and gritty and looks sepia in my mind, while the latter comes across as sterile and artificial.

    Lots of characters all of a sudden (mission of one has become a mission of six) so looking to see…[Read more]

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Suchita Ramphal

Profile picture of Suchita Ramphal

@sue

Active 21 hours, 9 minutes ago
Short Story : 0
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52 Scenes 2022 : 19
52 Scenes : 2
Flash Fiction 2022s : 0
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