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  • Fifteen long hour drive. We were finally in his village home for the month-long holiday. The bus roared away immediately we alighted. His mother sat by the roadside selling roasted groundnuts. She looked at us […]

    • Hi Seth. This is a beautifully written story of pain and rejection, and your descriptions reminded me of Bessie Head’s writing. It’s difficult for modern women to survive when there is excessive cultural interference and ignorance. Without the support of your partner, it’s easy to lose your identity and sense of self-worth. Your story begs some hearty discussion on sensitive issues and I thank you for that. Keep writing.

    • This is so sad, so cruel. I’m glad she found happiness in her child.

    • I am so glad she got rewarded for putting up with Banda and his insensitive family. I wish they wouldn’t be in the child’s life because they have no love in their hearts to give, although it’s sad that he died. Lovely story.

  • Leona,
    Thanks for atttempting this exercise.
    My favorite verse was away, awayer and awayest and plan to plergerise (I dont know the spelling. I mean to copy-paste) it in my writings.
    I also loved the flashback system of writing. Rare gift you have here.
    That said, I think you should be consistent in your tenses. You went from past and…[Read more]

  • Great writing you did here. My hero was the guide. I Doubt whether readers would have understood what the scene if not for the picture attached.
    Keep it up

  • “Lamu! Lamu darling!” Oseya hollered, his voice echoing in the forest.

    “Oseya, stop referring to a dog as your woman. One day people will scandalize us as animal abusers.” His octogenarian father shouted back in […]

    • Hi Seyi,

      I enjoyed reading this as I enjoy all your submissions that share your rich heritage.

      Some food for thought. This can be tighter in places.
      When the MC yells, did he ask for a “harmer ” or a “hammer”?
      Towards the end, did you mean “convalcsed” or “convulsed”?

      Congrats on pulling out another story to flesh out your rich culture. Is there no end to them?

      Well done.

      Cheers,
      Paul

    • Hey Seth, and how goes it? I enjoyed the way you laid out the facts in this story, inserting backstory through conversation and some casual references. (Lamu’s Dad’s declaration in the sentence starting ‘Oseya, stop referring to a dog as your woman…’ is key. I also like the reference to ‘sprinting in the dew,’ it helps us fix the time of day.) That small black snake, ‘…asleep with its eyes open,’ sounds proper terrifying. You have a few typo’s as Paul has pointed out, but a round of self-editing will pick these up. Well done, and best regards, Seyi

  • It was the day Janga finished his jail term and was about to walk a free man depending on how first the policemen cleared him. He thought of what happened on the day of his arrest. He knew he was innocent but the […]

    • Wow – what a story! Well-written
      Not sure if “Jang” was intention here, but I didn’t see it anywhere else: “She spat and Jang thanked God it did not land on him.”
      I wonder what the blue is that she is seeing everywhere?

    • Very well-written and it kept me wondering. Good job.

  • Many thanks Jeff. You have reading motivated me to keeep moving.

  • Great suspense you did here. I was curious to know why Pat was incercerated. Characterisation (especiallly in speeech) was great.
    just a nit. Change figures into words. 3 into three.

  • I was just doing the rinsing of my laundry in the river when I my younger sister came along.

    “Aileen, honorable Bonyo is at home. He wants to speak with you,” she said.

    “Me?” I had breath cuts and my knees r […]

    • ALL POLITICIANS ARE A LIKE!!!
      Enjoyable story, albeit a sad one. You created very relatable characters with only a few words. Her so called father was correct, but still not a nice guy.

      Thanks for the enjoyable read.

    • Many thanks Jeff. You have reading motivated me to keeep moving.

  • Great title you had here with a great story of two dogs with nice names. Happpy you saved the other dog.
    You are doing a great work. I would sugggest you delete redundant words.
    Look at me with his eyes! Looking is done through eyes. eyes become redundant. Perhaps you say, he looked confused.
    The sun had just set. And darkness. Delete…[Read more]

  • Many thanks NetaQ,
    Your comments are the raw material I need to be a superb writer.

  • Azul,
    That was a terrifying story. But what’s a story if it doesnt touch on our feelings? I would pray for Joy.It reminded me of the day we wanted to “Euthensia” (I hope I used the right word. I mean mercy killing) our dog. I had to take a walk. Good work you have done.

  • Good morning Naila,
    I asssure you that you are doing goood in story tellling. The twist of Qasim’s passion for his work and then loooking the other side is a real life experience in our world today.
    Q was about to enter the office, his hand on the doorknob, is a repetion. I would delete was about to enter and simply say, Q’s hand held the…[Read more]

  • seth amondi commented on the post, Ditch by Will 6 months ago

    Will,
    This read like a motivational story with a great moral lesson. the A long time ago starting is actually an eye catcher.
    Small and rustic sounds like the same thing. Delete one. I would delete small.
    Digging a long wh0ole to create a distch also sounded as a repetion. Say, they sank a ditch.
    Thanks again for sharing.

  • Clare,
    Great writing you have done here. Yes, it sounds like an excerpt from a novel. Raeders can easily relate with the She. I was lost on the paragrapgh , My mouth wanted to say it was nothing…
    Perhaps your readers would understand more if they read the whole book.

  • The bell rang. Carl sat at the corner of noisy grade three class glanced at his classmates. None was concerned with him. He elbowed Kelvin, his desk mate and showed him a pistol. “Don’t tell anyone. I am sho […]

    • Hi Seth,

      This is a compelling piece! This speaks to the dilemma of too many weapons and access to same that we are currently experiencing… Kelvin and Carl’s dialogue in the beginning is very important. It is often close friends who are first told or know. Well done!!

    • Many thanks NetaQ,
      Your comments are the raw material I need to be a superb writer.

    • Hi Seth!
      You have told so much within 300 words. I am glad the boy was caught before he could turn into a criminal. Also, is Miss Kamau really that harsh on her students?

  • Many thanks Megan,
    I do care. Frankly (I shouildnt admit this in this forum), i punched the keyboard in a hurry to meet the deadline. Oh! deadline for writers!

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