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  • Tessa sat at her table and looked at the technology in front of her. The party committee had set everything out and explained how it worked. It seemed simple enough – just place the band around her forehead. Pop […]

  • I KNEW something bad was about to happen, but I definitely wanted it to happen to him and not Steph. Well, this just shakes things all up! It’s a great scene, and because you’ve done a great job building her character I immediately felt the pain and despair for her injury. Can’t wait to see what comes of this.

  • This is a nice scene with a next clue! Tomas seems moody lol. Perhaps he’s not great with sharing his emotions, but I wonder if Sofia wouldn’t pull them out of him. Maybe he’s jealous of Arnie? I hope he goes with her on the trip.

  • Hey! Glad to see see’s out for now. I don’t know how I feel about feeling sympathy for the two cops, but I guess if they are not the real villains of the story… I was prepared to dislike them, and now I feel a little sympathetic to their plot in life as a cop. This line confused me a little / made me reread a few times: “It was customer service…[Read more]

  • I have a few more scenes to read to be caught up to what is going on in this one, but I do like the writing pace and the dialogue. The short, witty sentences thrown in – like, “He scowls. I deserve it.” – is delightful. Well done!

  • So I must read too many tragedies, but I immediately felt a sense of dread when I read the vignette about Antony. I thought, “That’s it – something about it about to happen to Antony!” I hope that, if I’m right in my intuition, that he has some communication with everyone before anything major hits!
    Like Patti, I felt this scene was overall full…[Read more]

  • One thing I know readers – both adults and children – who will read your story one day WILL enjoy is how Sofia is the most unsuspecting detective who finds clues about her family no matter who she is around. Really, without even meaning too! It’s a great way to end a chapter each time, and I’m enjoying it.

  • This sorting through her thoughts and feelings felt very realistic. Great job making her a sympathetic character who could articulate her feelings to herself clearly. I like it! I’m getting interested in where Erica is, since it has been mentioned a couple times since her incarceration. Some things I thought would be interesting to add to this…[Read more]

  • Hi! I need to reword the phrase about how Martin looks. I was trying to say that if his virtual profile had been enhanced – would Mira be disappointed in his actual looks later. I’ll put a note on that for now!

  • Hi! I need to reword the phrase about how Martin looks. I was trying to say that if his virtual profile looked enhanced – would Mira be disappointed in his actual looks later. I’ll put a note on that for now! Thanks for reading.

  • Hi! I need to reword the phrase about how Martin looks. I was trying to say that if his virtual profile looked handsome with a full head of hair – would Mira be disappointed in his actual looks later. I’ll put a note on that for now! Thanks for reading.

  •     Martin looked at himself in the mirror, and once again noticed the thinning hair on top of his head. The man looking back at him looked haggard with a wrinkled forehead and silver hair guarding his temples. On […]

    • Hi Rebekah – I’ve only read from Scene 18 so far but I can see how devious and manipulative Martin is. (I started feeling a bit sorry for him in Scene 18!) I wonder what his long term plans for Craig really are. There are also some great hints about life in Great Palatium – I’m intrigued by the idea of people exercising to enhance their social score. I’m looking forward to starting from the beginning and getting the full picture.

      There was just one thing I didn’t understand (and forgive me, that may just be because I haven’t been following the story). Martin hopes “Mira would not be too disappointed in seeing him in person after seeing his virtual profile at the party”. But I thought Mira already knows what Martin looks like now?

      Overall, though, the dialogue is convincing and the whole thing is very well written and engaging. Looking forward to next week!

      • Hi! I need to reword the phrase about how Martin looks. I was trying to say that if his virtual profile looked handsome with a full head of hair – would Mira be disappointed in his actual looks later. I’ll put a note on that for now! Thanks for reading.

    • Hi Rebebah! Lots of juicy development in this scene: Martin’s self-doubt about his appearance; Craig’s reluctant compliance with Martin’s plan (is he beginning to suspect Martin is using him?); Tessa’s diplomacy; Rex’s apparent disconnect with the world he is supposedly in charge of.

      The only thing I was unsure of, like Barbara, was the sencence about Mira seeing Martin in person – it confused me as I thought they were married and, presumably, living together.

      A brilliant last paragraph, especially Martin smashing the mirror then messaging his approval – a perfect image of his inner anger and violence which he managed to keep hidden beneath a veneer of civility. I wonder how long it will stay hidden?

      • Hi! I need to reword the phrase about how Martin looks. I was trying to say that if his virtual profile looked enhanced – would Mira be disappointed in his actual looks later. I’ll put a note on that for now! Thanks for reading.

    • These are very nice vignettes and work together really well. You round it out nicely with Martin looking at his reflection at the beginning and end. I feel so bad for Craig! He’s so likeable. I remembered the party scene/the intimacy, and understood the reference to Mira being disappointed about seeing Martin’s phsyical face. Though, I’ve forgotten the timeline. Was the party so recent maybe they haven’t talked much face to face since? There’s a lot of forward movement happening with the plot between Craig’s thing, the upcoming party which should be delicious and scandalous I’m sure, and Tessa/Rex – every scene feels like the plot continues onward.

      • Hi! I need to reword the phrase about how Martin looks. I was trying to say that if his virtual profile had been enhanced – would Mira be disappointed in his actual looks later. I’ll put a note on that for now!

    • Despite his wisdom about the benefits of exercise and being in nature, Rex is surprisingly lacking in astuteness about people. Is that what has made Martin’s rise possible? What snakes he and his wife are. I’m glad he is aging visibly! Tessa seems very relaxed. Is she just an innocent party or does she know what is really happening? Does she use her apparent innocence to pull the wool over the eyes of others?

  • Rebekah Pasley and Profile picture of Barbara DuffBarbara Duff are now friends 1 week ago

  • Good call on the tech/paper… will make a note!

  • Yes. I am a one-room schoolhouse teacher and homeschool mom.

  • Grace is the balm for her soul I was looking for as a reader! It’s nice to know that Ant has a strong friend reeling him in line, and she has a calming friend that’s no drama-mama. I also like the tid-bits of SA history and economy, as that is completely new to me. I did live in China as a child, and we did not have running water at times. That…[Read more]

  • Bored after 3 days – yep! Believable! (I’m expecting this with my own kids starting next week when they are off for the summer)
    The spelling in the letter does help remind the reader often of her age. There are quite a few other words in there that are often misspelled by children her age that might could be added. The misspelling of…[Read more]

  • Nice way to add in the backstory and build up Charlie’s involvement in the story. He’s so likable and – to me – serves as a great foil as she seems to be straight-laced and proper. He brings the drama!
    It’s really believable that she ignored every red flag as a naive young adult, and I think his clear detachment in the relationship helps keep…[Read more]

  • Yes, I think adding some of her doubt would be good to add to the story!
    I reread the scene looking for run-ons. Whereas I do have many compound verbs and long compound sentences, I do not have run-ons that I can see.

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Rebekah Pasley

Profile picture of Rebekah Pasley

@rpasley

Active 3 hours, 29 minutes ago
Short Story : 2
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 20
52 Scenes : 2
Flash Fiction 2022s : 0
52 Scenes Rewrites : 0
Show, don't Tell June 2022's : 0