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  • Hi Marilyn
    I see you and Kathy had a discussion about details. To join in here, I don’t think a lot of detail is necessarily bad, as long as it is in some way enhancing your setting or atmosphere or characters. But even details that do that can become clumsy (at a lack of a better word) if they are repetitive or phrased too similarly. For e…[Read more]

  • Hi Marilyn
    I find it quite entertaining that people in this town seem to go about as if the police doesn’t exist – Tomi going around trying to solve the murder and checking out leads on her own and this homeless person taking a bloody bag to this woman he doesn’t even know rather than to the police 😀
    At least the church opted to do the right…[Read more]

  • Hi Marilyn
    It’s so nice to read your story again! I’ve read the first two weeks just to catch me up and I thought I’d start commenting from Week 6, but now I’m enjoying it too much! 😀
    I remember in Scene/Week 1 Tomi said something about “never looked back” after moving to Wisteria and opening the diner. However, it seems as if she is indeed l…[Read more]

  • Hi Linda
    I like how you are building on the hide-and-seek metaphor and the way it matches the play theme you have running through your story. The shadow was also a really nice and creepy touch here, especially the part where it stood next to his desk!
    Content-wise this was a very exciting and informative scene with plenty happening and plenty of…[Read more]

  • Hi Linda
    It was exciting to read Kate’s first experience of being in the house and I liked how once again her reaction contrasts with that of calm caring Alex. I think you’ve got this scene laid out pretty well, although I would have liked to have an even stronger reaction from Kate – perhaps at least a shriek or a panicky rant about the ridic…[Read more]

  • The next morning, after Aunt Bea has read her paper, Albert found himself fighting a childlike desire to read the cartoons. He took the paper and a cup of coffee to the living room and opened it at the back. He […]

    • I am still a bit puzzled why the mention of devoting seven years to the project Albert felt his Grandpa Grael had followed. Did I miss something or did Grandpa Grael pass away during the seventh year? I feel that somehow the timing is important.

      I am getting the uneasy sensation that Grandpa Grael is growing illegal drugs? And packaging them and perhaps selling them to people like Tina?

      I also wonder if the two cousins who are coming to the house will want to do something different than Albert and Aunt Bea want. And I wonder if Grandpa Grael left the house equally divided among the four grandchildren for a reason?

      I find it interesting that Albert doesn’t want to ask his parents about his plans for employment. I am feeling some tension, as I said previously, among the factions of the family. And I’m not sure I understand Grandpa Grael either.

      More is disclosed in each segment. I look forward to the next.

    • Linda replied 1 month ago

      Good writing, Riana! Your story flows nicely and is easy to read. I enjoy the relationships between the characters in the family. I really can’t think of any edits. I’m enjoying reading your story, and am looking forward to the next scenes.

  • [WEEK6] That evening it was Albert’s turn to curl up on the couch. Despite the excitement of the day and his aunt’s delicious cooking, he felt gloomy. And exhausted. Why he was so tired, he didn’t know. Lynet […]

    • Albert is bouncing around trying to make some decisions on his life but seems to be randomly hitting brick walls. He has talked about photography, then cartoons and now music. It’s good that he has people around him at the moment who are interesting in his musings.
      The let down about his job is coming at a time when he possibly has the ability to do something more suitable to his liking.
      I’m wondering if Andries and William will have totally different thoughts about selling the house. It almost seems as though they haven’t spent as much time there as Albert and Jenny.
      There is a small mistake nine lines from the bottom.
      You meant to say “Albert was quiet for a few seconds….” but put in Andries name instead.
      Now I’m curious about the magic potions and Grandpa Grael.

  • Hi Maria. I can really “feel” the warm atmosphere you’ve created in the Landau and the beautiful colours, playfulness and safety. I also like the mentor personality Alvina takes on, yet in such a playful manner. I’m curious to see how she will “guide” him as the story continues.
    I absolutely loved this sentence: “He let his hands trail over th…[Read more]

  • Hi Linda.
    It was interesting to get some backstory on the house and what it was that had set all the evilness in motion!
    I was going to comment that I was really curious to know what the writing on the steamed mirror said, but then on the second reading of that paragraph I realised that the writing said “Read it, Daniel.” On the first rea…[Read more]

  • I just can’t get you out of my head.

    How silly! A celebrity crush at my age?

    I wish I could snuggle up with you in bed!

    You’ve got that smile, that sun overhead,

    those eyes that every woman engage.

    I just can […]

    • for some reason the site is acting up and there is no pic – so of course I’m dying to know who your celebrity crush is!

      I enjoyed this immensely – and why shouldn’t we have crushes at any age – it doesn’t stop the men from looking at the menu…😉

      Let’s take this slow, ‘cause I’ll love you till old age.” – 😅 now there’s words you DONT want to hear from your crush 🤣

      thanks for making my day!

    • Great poem Riana. I loved the rhythm and rhyme and the dream feeling about it which is appropriate for a crush, because often if they become a reality they break the magic. Age isn’t an obstacle to anything, even a crush.

      Thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Riana,
      I like the way you’ve chosen a Kylie’s familiar lyric (I just can’t get you out of my head) and woven it into a great villanelle. Well done.

  • ===========================
    [In the previous two scenes, I should have elaborated slightly on Albert thinking about the photos he took for Jarred Bunin, and him considering for the first time to become a […]

    • Well written story, Riana! I thoroughly enjoy reading it and love your details and descriptions. It seems very real (ie what a family goes through after the loss of someone close). I wonder who Beckie is? Also, I wonder what Albert will choose to study for a career? Will he follow in his Grandpa’s footsteps, follow the 7 years of learning he suggests? Looking forward to your next couple of scenes.

    • Also, meant to add…wonder why Aunt Bea is hiding the safe from Albert’s father? There is obvious tension there.

    • I am a little confused about a shift between the first part of this week’s story and the second. In the first part, they are looking for something the attorney requested. Aunt Bea shows them a hidden safe and gives Albert a gift, a View Master, which apparently he used to enjoy as a child. The father enters and Bea hastily closes the safe while the father seems still intent on selling the property ASAP. It’s not even his at this point, so I wonder why.
      But then, suddenly, Jenny and Albert are talking about a seven year time frame and it seems related to Grandpa Grael’s theory about learning. There had been no conversation leading into it and I wondered about that?

      • Sorry….must have hit send too soon.
        Then Jenny exhibits a flair for numbers while Albert is exploring the journals in the room. I would have liked a little more background for this aspect of the story and then there is the introduction of Beckie sometime in the past.
        I hope that these things will be clearer as the story continues, but I feel there should be a segueway between the two scenes.
        Looking forward to learning more about this family and their secrets.

  • Hi Linda. Wow, you’ve managed to pack quite a lot into these two scenes – the last one was quite fast-paced which contrasted nicely with the slower one before that.
    I liked the little bits of dialogue you’ve inserted throughout describing their date. I almost feel like I would’ve liked even more dialogue rather than action details – as it is a…[Read more]

  • Hi Maria, it was quite insightful to get to know Marcum’s mother a little bit better; it really helps to clarify the context of his life and situation. I think you’ve done a good job of sketching her here – she sounds like quite a character! I was surprised in one of the previous scenes that she asked her teenage son to do the laundry, but now it…[Read more]

  • [After finishing my first draft I had decided to change “Tania” to another name because it is too similar to “Tina.” I had forgotten about that, so I am only doing it now! “Tania” changes to “Lynetta.”]

    “Do you t […]

    • Well written scenes, Riana! I like how Albert is trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, to feel fulfilled, and how you incorporate Grandpa Grael’s philosophy into this. I’m wondering if Albert will be living and working on his grandfather’s farm. I definitely get the feeling he will be changing his job to something better for him. Your characters feel real and I can definitely relate to what it’s like dealing with emptying a loved one’s house after they die, and your portrayal of that is well done.

    • Riana, your story is shaping up so nicely. You’re doing a good job of making Albert sympathetic (who doesn’t wonder at some point what the heck they are doing with their life?), and the scene with them sipping whiskey had a lot of depth to it. Your dialog reads effortlessly, and you give us a lot of info in these two scenes in a nice, compact way. I am very interested to find out about the lawyer’s phone call and what they are going to find!

    • It seems as though Albert is at a crux in his life and pieces are falling apart and relocating and possibly falling into a better plan for him.
      I think its cool that he understands things his Grandpa had shared with him and is willing to make changes in his life in order to achieve a better outcome.
      Aunt Bea seems more than willing to guide him and considering that his parents don’t seem interested enough in him, he is fortunate to have her helping him.
      Wondering what it is that the attorney wants them to produce.
      I have a vague feeling that Albert is more suited toward working on an organic farm than his father and I’m beginning to think perhaps that is the direction he may decide to go.
      Lots of characters touching the peripheral of his life leaving me anxious to read more.
      The only thing that seemed odd to me was, if I understand things, he and Jenny hadn’t been in touch with one another for an extended period of time yet she was aware of a trivial matter involving a friend of his and a t-shirt. How would she have known about this?
      Small matter…just caught my attention.

  • Thank you Linda, I really appreciate your words. I’m glad to hear the emotion of the experience came across. 🙂

  • Thank you Maria, I really appreciate your feedback! I did indeed try to open a lot of doors for future conflict, think sometimes I overdo it a bit and then later I don’t know how to tie up all the ends! 😀
    Tenses are something I do struggle with, so I’m glad when someone can point it out to me as I often overlook it! Thank you! 🙂

  • Dear Linda, thank you so much, I’m glad to hear it read smoothly. I’m not used to faster-paced starts so I wasn’t sure if there were any major rough spots! 😀

  • Thank you Sean, I appreciate the encouraging feedback! 🙂

  • Hi Linda, thank you so much for your feedback, it is really encouraging! 🙂

  • Hi Linda
    I really enjoyed these two scenes, it felt like a fitting place in the storyline for Daniel to meet Kate, and I really loved “meeting” little Charlie.
    Daniel seemed quite nervous about meeting a date, and obviously doesn’t feel too great about his past experiences with dating. Perhaps this is a good moment for a tidbit of backs…[Read more]

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Riana N

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@riana-n

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