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  • Hi Linda
    I’m guessing this scene don’t follow on the ones from Week 11, as Daniel was on his way to the hospital then. I’m guessing this one happened before the weeds? Also, where I expected your “scene 24” to start you’ve posted scene 23 again, I’m guessing by mistake. 😉

    The bursting lightbulbs is a quite vivid and imaginative scene and I l…[Read more]

  • Dear Linda
    I am very sorry that I am so late with reading this!

    The roots underneath the weeds are quite intriguing! It is a great touch with so much potential! This had a really great visual quality to it, and perhaps you can even emphasize the creepiness of it all a bit more! After all, that is not something you ever hope to find underneath…[Read more]

  • I like how the character of Ash is growing. Her inherent goodness works well here and I have a feeling she is still going to help Tomi learn a life lesson or two! Ash’s visit to Auntie is very intriguing and I’m so curious to see if there will be some backstory to Ash in the future!

    I love that the mysteries and secrets keep popping up and tha…[Read more]

  • Hi Marilyn
    I had almost forgotten about your first scene where Cody had popped into the diner! As a reader I’m quite curious about why he suddenly appeared there out of the blue. Perhaps Tomi should also wonder about this?

    Perhaps you intended to leave the reader wondering, but I was not quite sure if Tomi cheated on Ray with Cody? It did a…[Read more]

  • [WEEK12]Early that evening, his cell phone rang. It was Andries.

    “Hello, cuz. Long time!”

    “Yes, I’ve been quiet, I know. Sorry.” Albert rubbed his cheek which was still sore from his encounter with the ladder. […]

    • I am enjoying learning about Grandpa Grael’s philosophy toward life. It makes sense to me and I am liking his sense of humor.
      There is only one possible spelling error. The word ‘practisers’ might need to be spelled ‘practicers’? Perhaps this is a local thing?
      You are doing a good job of portraying Aunt Bea as a modern thinking woman. She seems to live her beliefs, too, which is a good thing.
      I am looking forward to the visit from the cousins. Wilhelm seems to be a bit of a wild character.
      I wonder why Grandpa Grael kept the farm a secret? And why he left it to Albert’s dad when clearly the father has no real centered interest in a farm.
      And still I wait to see why Tina keeps pilfering the herbs. And what was the relationship between her and Grandpa Grael?
      Lots of good stuff in this chapter!

  • Once the realisation of being inside an old tree house that hasn’t been used in at least a decade settled in, Albert got worried. What if the floor boards had started to rot? What if they were resting on dead b […]

    • This chapter left me wondering what were the herbs Tina seems so intent on getting?

    • Sorry, I must have hit Post comment before I was ready….While I understand the point of Albert’s visit to the treehouse was to bring back memories of the past, I thought perhaps it was a bit longer (the part involving his coming down from the treehouse) than was needed. Also, knowing his approximate age, I was a bit surprised at how much of a fuss was made of his injuries.
      Glad that he is going to indulge in the practice suggested by Grandpa Grael and his Aunt Bea is helping.
      Still waiting to see what happens when the cousins arrive….and will they have running water by then?

    • Riana, again I really enjoyed reading these scenes. You have a beautiful ease and flow to your writing. I enjoyed the treehouse visit and even Albert’s fall; the childlike nature of it all and spontaneity. Watching Tina steal the herbs was also fun. I’m wondering if these are some sort of special herbs? It seems Albert is already learning from his Grampa Grael to enjoy life.

  • Dear Linda
    I enjoyed this scene and the bit of family history that came along with it. I felt the information was spread out nicely and naturally throughout the writing – for example, you mention Louise and then a little later you casually include the information that she was Jane’s sister. (I realise now that you’ve said this in an earlier scene…[Read more]

  • Hi Marilyn
    In terms of plot I really like these scenes! I enjoy the way new bits of information are found – the secrets in Maggie’s letters (and life) and the veterinary hospital coming up. I also like the way Kate is becoming a sort of sidekick to Tomi.

    I like your character Enrico! I think you’ve quite nailed the charming chef perso…[Read more]

  • Albert made coffee with the bottled water, and heated up the frozen bobotie Aunt Bea had sent along with him. He ate it at the kitchen table thinking about Mickey. After being away for more than a week he missed […]

    • I was right there with Albert, breathing heavily with trepidation. Very well written description of the stress he was going through to get up into the tree house. I’m not sure I recall if the treehouse was something he frequented as a child; yet, as an adult seemed so frightening to climb up to. Is this a metaphor to describe the situation or relationship he was obviously avoiding, that of calling his father?

      I find it rather odd that his grandfather actually was interviewed about his 7 year challenge, which, in all honesty, to me, doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But, what do I know???

      You have a lovely way of describing everyday things in an interesting style, painting a picture with words.

      Just one small error….you wrote ‘Aunt Bee’ instead of Aunt Bea. She had just invited him to have some coffee and cake.

      So, still wondering what will happen when the cousins arrive and what are they like?
      Does Albert finally get the nerve to call his dad and why won’t the man sign a document? Once again, he’s not getting his way? Hmmm???

    • Riana, I enjoyed reading these scenes. You have a beautiful way of writing details describing things or situations and bringing the reader into the scene. This makes your story flow and easy to read. I especially liked your description of Albert climbing the tree.
      Also, like Albert, I wanted some of the crumble pie and ice cream right away. 🙂
      I’m wondering how Albert will approach his dad to find out why he won’t sign, and if his dad won’t sign then what will happen.
      I also wonder how his grandfather’s plan became known and who someone decided to interview him about it. Only because it seems like a personal endeavour and not a story to be interviewed about. However, if it was local news in a small community that makes sense as they would cover what the people of the small community are doing in their lives.
      Looking forward to reading your next scenes. Well done!

  • Hi Marilyn
    It is easy to slow down a lot after a big dramatic event like last week’s, so I liked that the pace didn’t slow down too much here, as it helps to make the reader feel Tomi’s jittery-ness and the overload of information she must be experiencing.
    I enjoyed the addition of the mysterious Enrico, although I am surprised that they are t…[Read more]

  • Hi Linda. I liked these scenes; there was quite a lot happening and a lot of pieces put in place. I am quite curious about the book Daniel wrote in that house – I can’t remember if you’ve ever mentioned anything about the storyline other than that it is a crime novel. It might be an interesting opportunity to reinforce a theme, or something like…[Read more]

  • If I was a great wise musician
    with budding success and ambition;
    I’d spend my whole life
    elated and blithe.
    I’d be no sad bored old magician!
    ♫ ♥ ♪
    So what, if I chant spells for lovers?
    Cook potions for miser […]

    • I love how you equate music and magic, especially your phrase “a kiss flowing in to the souls who are empty.” The thought satisfies a hunger in the soul that is difficult to express!

    • Beautiful Riana. Your words give the feeling of magic that losing yourself in great music does as well. I loved the rhythm and rhyme of the poem and your last line says so much about the power of music.

      Thanks for sharing. Have a magical day.

    • There’s a magical rhythm to your musical poem that carried me right along with it. I could feel and hear the beat, and was puzzling over it, when it hit me! You listed limerick under genre. Silly me! It didn’t register at first (my fault for not reading carefully), but it Oh SO works. What a FUN poem and innovative use of the form. Kudos to you!

    • Hi Riana,
      Three lovely limericks! I like the idea that the magician wants to impart the magic of music to one and all. Well done with getting the rhythms spot on for all three limericks.

    • Hello Riana,
      what a beautiful limerick you have written. I love music so this was a joy to read. Your last stanza is my favorite because of this line: “But music-it is its own magic, a kiss flowing in to the souls who are empty.” Wow! I can’t wait to read more from you. Well done!

  • Tina was having a conversation with Aunt Bea about mould. She was holding the shower curtain by its bottom seam and flapping it up and down in a fan-like manner. It looked so comical that Albert felt his annoyance […]

    • An enjoyable read, Riana. I really like your characters and how you show how they are feeling through their words and gestures. I’m not sure why Aunt Bea seems to dislike the neighbour, Tina, so much. Does she think she’s too nosy? Also, I’m wondering if Tina and Grandpa Grael were more than neighbours. She seems to really know her way around his house, etc. I’m interested in what Albert will do for the useful thing in his 7 year experiment. Will we get to know more about Tina and her connection to Grandpa Grael? Looking forward to next week’s scenes.

    • The story continues to grow in interest as Albert starts to adapt to planning his 7 year project. I get the feeling that Lynetta would like to be more than just a friend to Albert and Albert being away from her seems to be having the effect of his considering where she fits in his life.

      There is one part of a paragraph in the first section which somehow felt awkward to me, partially because it changed tenses (he did feel relieved; he does wish):

      He brought little luggage, and it didn’t take long to carry it into the living room. If he had to be really honest with himself, he did feel relieved to have some time to himself, even if he does wish it was not so bittersweet.

      Considering that this is being written from the viewpoint of third person, I would have wondered if this could have been better covered in dialogue (even his thinking to himself) It seemed odd that the third person would know how he would have felt, if he had to be honest with himself. Perhaps you would want to see how it sounded using dialogue?

      I found a spot where I felt you meant ‘piles’ but wrote ‘pines’….but being unable to count paragraphs, I copied and pasted the section: (Also, according to my spell check, Camomile is misspelled.)

      He pushed the second drawer closed and drew out the third one. The screech was so high-pitched and horrendous that he had to stop with the drawer only halfway opened. The contents that he could see through the half-opened drawer seemed significantly different than the top two. He could see pines of ring-bound folders, a tray of filing cards and what looked like A5 paper boxes. A smell that reminded him of Camomile drifted out. Just as he was gathering the courage to scrape the drawer out the rest of the way, the phone rang and Albert startled. How long will it take for him to get used to these shrill landline phones?

      It seems as though Tina was in Grandpa Grael’s home frequently, as she seemed familiar with where things were kept. I imagine eventually we will learn more about that relationship?

      I am curious as to how Albert and Aunt Bea will deal with the leaky pipe situation.

      I am also anxious to see what happens when the cousins arrive and if that changes the family dynamics.

      Can’t wait for next week’s episode!

  • Hi Linda. I loved the creepy doll crying them awake! I especially liked the way she stopped crying when picked up; this was fun to picture! I was almost a bit disappointed that they moved on from her so soon, there is always a lot of fun to be had with a “baby” around! 😀 The sentence “I can’t hear it crying anymore” tripped me a bit, as I thou…[Read more]

  • Hi Marilyn! I can attest that your scene where Tomi finds her house broken into is real vivid and effective! I read it at night while being home alone and it freaked me out! So, well done! 😉 I know that even when everything seems fine, the first thing I check on when I get home is my cat, so Tomi panicking about where her dogs are is relatable…[Read more]

  • ===============
    [Note: In a previous scene Aunt Bea told Albert that Grandpa Grael went on a hike into Lesotho a few weeks before he died. I’ll be changing that to say that he went on the hike the week before he […]

    • Hi Riana,

      Seems as though Albert is getting a quick lesson in the joys of homeownership with the new leak in the bathroom.

      I’m still wondering about the ‘herbs’ that fascinated Grandpa Grael and also Tina.

      Not sure at this point, but was Albert a city dweller?
      He seems surprised at the way things work in small towns.
      And even the fact that Aunt Bea adopted a feral cat seems strange to him.

      In the first paragraph, I think you meant ‘vacuum packed’ but it shows up as ‘vacuum paced’.
      I don’t understand the sentence ‘you cant abuse the borehole just because it’s there’?

      I’m wondering if Aunt Bea calls in a plumber or how they go about solving the leak problem.

      Waiting for next weeks episode to clear some thing up….or not?
      Marilyn

    • I’m enjoying reading your chapters, Riana, and looking forward to more to come. I really like your main character, Albert, and wonder what he will do with his grandpa Grael’s place. It sounds like he may end up living there and trying something new.
      Also, wonder how they go about solving the leak situation. I really like Aunt Bea’s character too.
      Well written story thus far!

  • Hi Thomas. This was an intriguing and fun sonnet! I enjoyed all the colourful metaphors and the synesthetic descriptions.
    The vampire did come as quite a surprise! I’m still not sure if that is meant literally or if it is also a metaphor! 😀
    Whichever way, the words of the speaker are so sincere and heartfelt and the tenderness and comic touch…[Read more]

  • Hi Jesmond. This is such a touching poem. The images are so vivid, it really makes one thankful for having a safe and whole home to spend the night in with those you love close by.
    Although this poem is especially relevant now, I really like that it has no specific identifying elements such as place names or dates. It gives it a timelessness and…[Read more]

  • Hi Jaqueline. This is a potent poem in which you address a lot of relevant social issues. I like how towards the end the repeat of “Oh humanity” (which is also the opening line) signifies the turn where your theme love is taken further to show that love is the answer.
    I enjoyed that you used metaphors from religious scenarios such as the Bible…[Read more]

  • Hi Susan. The imagery in your poem is beautiful; I especially love your opening line, and the theme of travel that runs through it.
    The division of the lines into stanzas that are not standard for a villanelle is quite an interesting twist.
    Normally I like to use contrasting rhymes in a villanelle, but here you’ve used rhymes that are very…[Read more]

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Riana N

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@riana-n

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