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  • Hi Casey. I am so happy for them that they finally made it off the island! All the lives that were lost in the event are quite tragic, but I think it was fitting. Giving the story an overly happy ending would’ve given it a less convincing feel.
    I like how with the final line of the scene you’ve shown how the relationship between Talia and Ryker…[Read more]

  • Hi Jens, I liked that they ended their story on the metro, it seemed quite fitting. Bringing them back to this place where they’ve been before also makes clear the growth that has happened in the characters.
    Since your plot is already concluded by the end of the previous scene, this scene almost have a bit of an epilogue-feel. However, if that…[Read more]

  • Hi SJ. Wow, that was a stunning ending. I was so curious to know how Moll would be defeated, and this was really unexpected and clever! I was quite sad at Afra losing Constantine, but I feel that it works here, as overly happy endings are often less convincing. Losing him also reinforces the theme of the revenge-loss cycle which is quite…[Read more]

  • Hi Linda. Yay, Evermore is finally in the ground! Or at least, let’s hope so. I do like how you’ve left the door just the teeniest bit open for Evermore to perhaps be rediscovered at some point in the future, but at least Daniel seems to be rid of him now.
    I liked the fire (sub)scene, and as it was quite momentous I thought you could perhaps make…[Read more]

  • When Albert awoke sometime later, he almost felt surprised that he immediately knew where he was: his grandpa’s spare bedroom where he had been sleeping just a few weeks ago. The familiarity of the room felt c […]

    • Hi, just dropped by for a quick read and to congratulate you for reaching the end, sounds like your characters have been on a mega adventure. Happy New Year and good luck for the future.

    • I love this line, it is perfect for the end.
      ‘”Challenges can be a lot of fun and very enriching – you’ve heard your grandpa’s talk on the radio, and I believe he was sincere. But the focus should always remain on what you gain from it – and what you can pass on to others.”’
      I have enjoyed reading your work and I hope I will be able to read your rewrite.
      Well done. Happy New Year!

    • Hi Riana

      Well done with this last scene. I love that you were able to ensure there is a message in it too. That sometimes we have to have the courage to change direction if there’s enough evidence to give us a nudge. Albert’s decision was from the heart and that’s as good an ending as anyone could ask for. I like that you know there is more to do and already thinking of it.

      Best wishes with the next steps in your rewrite.

      Martin

  • Hi Che. This is a stunning metaphor you’ve used here – these peaceful little creatures that can be so potent when pressed.
    I really liked that you’ve sketched a different side of this metaphor, as there is so often a negative connotation to chameleon-like behaviour. Well done for approaching this from a different perspective!

  • Hi Catherine. I think many readers can relate to your theme – Christmas is far from a happy time for many, and finding hope is not always easy.
    I liked that the protagonist had a change of heart before her circumstances changed. Perhaps you can emphasise this change of heart a bit more, or make it just a bit “bigger” to remind the reader that…[Read more]

  • Hi Casey, this was a good second-last scene, well done!
    I enjoyed the building action and dread, especially as they discovered that the creature can indeed move in water and that it is dividing itself into additional monsters when shot – nice touch! 😉
    Here and there were little details that wasn’t completely clear – for example, I wasn’t sure…[Read more]

  • Hi Jens. I enjoyed this scene. I don’t have much to suggest other than that you can perhaps emphasise the momentousness of their career decisions – even though they both feel that it is the right decision, they can perhaps just ponder it over for a moment to think what a drastic change it would be, especially for Mike. But I liked the mood of this…[Read more]

  • Hi SJ, I thought this was a great scene, action filled but still so heartfelt. I really like the little subtle emotional ties between the characters, for example the way Augustine search the sky for Afra in the manner which Lorraine searched for Phillipe. It keeps the reader emotionally invested!
    The part where Afra reacted to the humiliation…[Read more]

  • Hi Linda. This was quite an exciting way to bring Evermore back into the action! Wonder if there is an explanation about how the occulus got there? I liked the way the relaxed evening set the stage for the sudden surprise and panic.
    The panic room scene didn’t feel like it quite contributed it to the storyline though, unless you perhaps tweak it…[Read more]

  • Hi Jens, this was a lovely scene and it concluded quite a few matters without feeling forced or unplanned. Not sure how much you plan/plot, but the overall coherency of your story is really excellent.
    I thought Baudelaire’s words “enjoyed greatly” felt a bit too safe and pleasant perhaps for something dangerous out of your comfort zone, but the…[Read more]

  • Hi SJ, this was a great scene with a lot of suspense. I really enjoyed the events and the building tension and think You’ve done a great job with it. This mist was a nice touch: vivid and upping the tension.
    Perhaps in your rewrite you can hint here and there at the fact that Moll might have “contacts” or creatures fighting on her side. You’ve…[Read more]

  • Hi Linda.
    The death of Jenny was a big and very effective shock! Really unexpected, good surprise there! 😉
    The only thing that bugged me a teeny bit about this scene is how unaffected Daniel and Kate seemed to be about Jenny’s death. I realise that they must have become a little numbed by all the horrible things they’ve experienced, and…[Read more]

  • Hi Casey. Loved the tension and drama of this scene; your descriptions of the lightning and the growing storm were stunning.
    Your descriptions overall are so apt and expressive. I did wonder if you perhaps you could consider making your sentences somewhat shorter for scenes like these that have so much action. The long sentences tend to…[Read more]

  • Hi Jens. This was a very entertaining although very “deep” scene; I enjoyed it, well done!
    You can perhaps consider making a few things with the role-switching a bit clearer. For example, when they switched roles, did they switch belongings too? If so, it would make sense that the new Mike has the masked, but if Mike simply switched to Alphonse,…[Read more]

  • Hi Rachel. This was a good scene. I do not know any law lingo, so I can’t really comment much on that aspect, but I felt like you portrayed the emotional element of all of this stunningly. I felt like I could understand Zelda’s emotions even though I’ve never been in such a position. You don’t shy away from showing the emotional load of your…[Read more]

  • Hi SJ. I really enjoyed this scene. I love that the reuniting of Afra and Augustine are upping the emotional stakes here and the internal conflict that they experience because of it.
    I also liked that you are tying up the unsolved mystery of the creature in the bar – I am really curious to see how it fits in with the rest! 😀

  • Hi Linda, this was quite a dramatic scene, as it should be! I liked all the descriptions, and the “battle” between Angela and Evermore was intense. The scene was perhaps a teeny bit rushed; for the “largeness” of what happens here you can perhaps drag it out a bit, as it is quite a momentous point in your plot.
    I enjoyed the grand fire and…[Read more]

  • Hi Sean, I haven’t read any of your previous scenes, so I’m not going to comment on the content of you scene. However, this one read fairly easily and clearly, felt well planned and the change in viewpoint felt natural.
    I loved the image of the white hair radiating like sparks.
    I’m guessing this is quite a “deep” horror story and all the talk…[Read more]

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Riana N

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@riana-n

Active 1 day, 3 hours ago
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