Your story reminds me of Erin Brokovich, hence I mentioned her in my feedback.
This is a lively riveting story that would still benefit from further edits to trim some repeats such as “…mandated the closure of the tannery…”, clearly the repeat of “the” can be trimmed with a re adjustment of the sentence.
This type of close…[Read more]
I am delighted to see the “NOT” correction above. 🙂
This story first came to me in 2013 but I have not used it until this submission. It is intended to be deep and certainly warrants further work.
Thank you for the read and the encouragement on the story and title though I must admit the title was suggested by an external…[Read more]
You have brought an intriguing character on stage and let them loose, though the ending leave the reader wondering how the story will end.
You could have wrapped up the ending neater by trimming some repeats throughout. Your readers also want to know where the MC’s children are.
I suspect you ran into the word count before completing…[Read more]
Thank you for a great read.
If you revisit this story, consider more of the MC’s thoughts with less of the character movements. Clearly this story is driven by emotion.
Did you count the repeats of “just”?
Consider reducing its use to 1, in the main place for maximum effect.
Good choice with “Me and Bobby McGee”.
Now that Irene is on…[Read more]
You bring bland appliances to life in your story.
A few thoughts to consider.
Have a look at your adverb count. It’s a little high with repeats.
There is an abundance of “she”. If you change this story to deep POV, you might reduce the pronoun count.
A further re read might help you tighten up the dialogue and up the tension.
As Erin found out, there is no limit to how far a corporate will go in the pursuit of wealth especially if local authorities, the City, turn a blind eye.
You have exposed the same greed and utter contempt corporates have for their fellow workers and we have for them.
While this story is good, it can be tightened in places where the…[Read more]
What a thoroughly enjoyable read.
You capture the essence of the relationship between man and his best friend.
I agree with Cheryl, you leave the story in a most unfortunate place.
On reflection, there may be parts that could have been sacrificed to bring the story to a more fitting end. But like all things, this can be fixed.
A few…[Read more]
Despite the criticism from other writers, before you read this, I appreciate the story still has appeal.
Thank you for the read, feedback and encouragement.
If you do purchase a whisky, this is an exceptional choice. It does not disappoint.
Clearly I have work to do. Fortunately there seems to be options of how I can salvage this first draft to produce a more optimal version.
I appreciate your suggestion. I shall mull it over.
Thank you for the read and suggestions.
As has been said, I felt I was in that interrogation room as a fly on the wall.
Your story is all the more engaging as you told in in a sort of reverse order. This is good.
I picked up on a few things you might want to review, but nothing major.
The word “blatherskite” is new for me, but no doubt it means tell tale or someone who…[Read more]
I agree with Elaine. Not only is this riveting but it stands alone which is so important for a short story.
If anything, I was crying out for a little bit more emotion and internal thoughts from the narrator and less of the mechanical movements.
Thank you for sharing.
You are not alone in being confused as to who the narrator is. In truth I made no effort to disclose the narrator early in the story. There are many stories where the narrator is not obvious until well into the story, or even at the end; such as Braveheart.
I appreciate your compliments on tone and mood. I shall have the think harder…[Read more]
This is a slower paced and deeper story. A slight change in the type of story I share. But we do need to experiment to grow etc. I take the point on the need for clarity and continue to give it much needed thought. I appreciate the story holds a more personal meaning for you. Thank you for sharing.
I appreciate the read and the…[Read more]
I once edited an entry after submission and was given hell by another writer as they could not marry up previous comments etc. I suggest you hold back on these edits for an external – master copy. You are doing fine. Keep it up.
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Membership Level: 12 Short Stories in 12 Months