Congratulations on bringing an interesting character on stage. The name alone has an appealing wow factor.
A few things for your consideration.
Watch out for repeats. They are unnecessary and should be iron out during your editing process.
E.g’s In the opening line you repeat the word “in” 3 times. Lok at the sentence construction…[Read more]
Well done in turning the alien thing around on us.
A few thoughts to help tighten your story.
Instead of “Max and Carl were sitting on…” consider “Max and Carl sat on…”
It is sharper, more concise and puts a word back into your word budget.
There is a fair amount of telling such as “they were only part-time shift workers at…[Read more]
It’s only 500 words, give or take, but I spent a lot of time polishing the words to maximize the purpose of each word. The submission was edited many times.
Thank you for the read and the encouragement. It is much appreciated.
Congratulations on capturing the essence of a dreary run down place.
A few things for your consideration that may help to tighten your story.
There is an echo of “they” and ‘their” in the opening paragraph. Try to avoid this type of repeat.
You can drop the last word “them” from the second paragraph. You will find it reads…[Read more]
I concur with Elaine.
As soon as the daydream started, I was there in the class bored to tears with what was going on, but in my head sparks were flying.
There are a few areas – no pun intended – where the story can be tightened, but I suspect you hurried this one and you can easily see the gaps on a re-read.
Thank you for…[Read more]
The reference to “over-exploited locations” is a retort to “less developed geographies” meaning that the areas around the world considered by a western developed country to be “less developed” are in fact “over-exploited”. I could cite examples but I am sure it’s not a stretch to identify a few. Look to see where oil is being…[Read more]
Well done in packing a lot into a tight word count.
I spotted a few things that you may wish to consider.
Watch out for repeats and echos.
E.g. “I tried calling her but my call went to voicemail. I tried…”
In addition to the repeat, there is an echo from the word “call”.
The following 2 sentences should be in the same…[Read more]
Nice one. Your MC is lively and one to follow.
A few thoughts to help tighten a good submission.
Watch out for repeats.
Make sure this is in your list of thing to edit out once the first draft is complete.
E.g. “stuck to the frozen pallet racking” in the first 2 paragraphs.
Another repeat can be found in “in a chair in…[Read more]
Deep Point Of View is a way of writing that brings the reader closer to the action.
There is plenty of free resources available on the web to help you better understand this style of writing.
You can close the narrative distance by:
Removing filtering words such as saw, heard, knew, thought, believed.
Be immediate and direct by…[Read more]
I wonder if you are thinking of ‘V’.
Ben mentioned the series in her review.
The TV series ran in the UK many decades ago and may have subconsciously influenced my submission.
Thank you for the read and the encouragement.
Congratulations on delivering a well-written piece with many hidden gems including the reference to Zack presumably searching for the face of his wife, Olivia’s mother.
You turned the stereotypical image of – dad off to war, mum at home with the children – on its head with a good low adverb count.
Thank you for…[Read more]
It’s been a while,
Well done on delivering a strong “after the battle” scene. Allowing the MC to ponder what happened and who let them down.
A few minor observations in an excellent submission.
I think “gauge” is a measurement instrument and you may have intended to use gouge. I.e. “to make a hole or dent”.
I wonder about…[Read more]
Congratulations on delivering a great read.
You might want to consider this in DEEP POV bringing the reader closer to the action and to share the emotion of the MC, especially when she hears from her father after such a long time.
I admire the low adverb count even though you used “just” twice.
You missed the second instance…[Read more]
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Membership Level: 12 Short Stories in 12 Months