fbpx
  • Hi Maria,

    I have read this in another forum but enjoyed it once more.
    I’m delighted you are pressing on with this adventure.

    Did “The boat fell silent” or did the crew in the boat fall silent?
    Instead of “An eager young pirate yells”, could this pirate have a name and be the person whom the MC directs most of his story?
    Perhaps “for as…[Read more]

  • Hi Maria,

    Season’s greetings.

    I love this and feel it has legs to go the distance.
    Your words have a flare… “as the Air fairies dance ballet amongst the goldenrod stalks.”

    A few thoughts:

    I do love the character names. Only one small consideration. Early in the piece, you mention “Dawn” is coming.
    While this is a reference to…[Read more]

  • Hi Seyi,
    I tried. I’ll have to think about it if I consider it worthy or a rewrite.
    Thank you for the read and encouragement.
    Wishing you and yours a wonderful Mery Christmas.
    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi Teresa,

    Now, I see, this is how it’s done. And Amarone, one of my personal selections.
    Your story is pacey and, unlike mine with reminders of past events, you share your MC’s thoughts as the scene progresses.
    Good job.

    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi Teresa,

    I tried, that’s all I can say and the feedback, quiet or otherwise speaks volumes.
    It’s true that both felt resentment towards Tom leading to their embrace.

    Thanks for the read and the encouragement.

    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi Sue,

    I do hope I did not offend.
    Thank you for the read and the encouragement.

    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi Adam,

    Criticisms are always balanced.
    Perhaps other readers expected something else from my submission.
    I like your points as they suggest I achieved something.
    Thank you for the read and the encouragement.

    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi Peggy,
    It certainly has been a deviation and not one I am eager to revisit.
    With the box ticked, I might move on.
    Thank you for the read. and encouragement, despite the cliche.
    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi Del,

    Seasons greetings.

    This is a fantastic story. It gripped me on contact with the local. Your use of local dialect did not need an explanation.
    The pace and constant checking for a signal move the story along at the right clip.

    We judge too quickly looking for the boys in blue then check our own backgrounds and your hero drives…[Read more]

  • Hi Kim,

    Ah, childhood memories. This brought them flooding back. We did not have seat belts and we survived.

    It has been said, I simply agree that “exhausted by the long hot day” is probably better than “defeated by the long hot day”.
    I have learned a new word. In the UK we call the universal beach footwear, flip flops while down under they…[Read more]

  • Hi Kim,

    I doubt I shall revisit this any time soon.
    Your criticism is spot on and provides plenty of food for thought should I ever have the need to revisit this scene.

    All good.

    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi del,
    Oh, how perceptive. It had to be attempted, although the biggest challenge is not the writing, it’s facing criticism.
    I thought I would try, but on second thoughts, perhaps there are other genre’s I would be better investing my time.
    Thank you for the read and perception.
    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi Kim,
    You are nothing if not honest.
    Maybe I was driven by a bucket list item or a sense of making an attempt.
    I appreciate your honest, yet critical feedback.
    I’ll take it on the chin as I crawl back to the trenches or the Holocaust.
    Thank you,
    Paul

  • Hi Kim,

    Beautiful writing, as always.
    You capture the challenge to be faced before accepting the inevitable.
    Not wishing to upset your word count, but if you intend to polish, I would make a tiny wee adjustment to one of your opening lines to be “Space on the precipice was limited, to those actively taking part”.
    2 words out, 1 word…[Read more]

  • Hey Maria,

    Great imagery and an easy flowing story.

    I agree with the previous comments.
    In addition, consider swapping out “that” from “that righteous church” with perhaps “their righteous church”.
    This small switch might set off the difference between your MC and the others.
    I would drop “all” from “They all gathered” and would work the…[Read more]

  • Hi Estelle,

    This was a joy to read. You kept trotting out the hooks and I gladly swallowed each one wondering what next.
    I recently watched “Old Henry” on a streaming service. Your story fits. Of course, you have left us wondering.

    Great job.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi Estelle,
    Thank you for the read.
    Spelling?
    I guess I have homework.
    Thanks,
    Paul

  • Hi Sue,

    Family holidays are always a bit of a challenge. You convey the challenges well.

    A few points to ponder:
    I’m not sure if you need the uppercase.
    I read.. “Hine said”. Do you mean Ham?

    I would have liked more of the narrators inner thoughts, which I expect would spice up the story.

    Good job.

    Cheers,
    Paul

  • Hi Adam,

    What a poignant and realistic, dare I say honest, look at a relationship.
    There are some real gems in your lines ” …like a single from the seventies, the song never lasted long, even though the tune stayed with you…”, “…peeling paint and the smell of an old woman recently evicted.”
    This was a twisted pleasure to read, almost…[Read more]

  • I glared at the mirror as my phone slipped from my grasp. Tom had delivered yet more excuses for not coming home. Busy, too much to do. We should take a vacation. See you tomorrow night. The full-length hall […]

    • Oh so saucy.
      Just what we need for a holiday read.
      I didn’t worry about the spelling, I was enjoying Caroline’s liberation.
      Thanks.☺️

    • Oh so saucy.
      Just what we need for a holiday read.
      I didn’t worry about the spelling or anything else, I was enjoying Caroline’s liberation.
      Thanks.☺️

    • Heya Paul

      reading steamy from you , just feels (weird) somehow. Guess you’ve already established your author voice and this is not it. Well, for me anyhow.
      And the fact is I hold you to a higher standard than most other writers – rightly or wrongly – and this…is not your most sterling

      but asides from the awkwardness of the sexual descriptions (they sound quite clinical and not at all sensual) coupled with your MC’s thoughts straying to worry about the parcels and the table and whatnot, it comes across as rather detached, objective.
      do yourself a favour a read Teresa’s erotica this month and you’ll see a world of difference in the handling of the erotic part.

      this time he released my feat – feet

      I’m also not feeling any affinity for your MC – she’s being cheated on , dumped for the evening and yet you don’t evoke any feeling of sympathy or empathy for her. I feel quite detached about her current state of ‘affairs’ .

      in so far as your story goes – yes there is a story but your handling of your characters don’t make me interested in them.
      Your war themed stories evoke more out of me.
      so sorry – but this is a bit of a cold squid for me 🤷‍♀️

      • Hi Kim,
        You are nothing if not honest.
        Maybe I was driven by a bucket list item or a sense of making an attempt.
        I appreciate your honest, yet critical feedback.
        I’ll take it on the chin as I crawl back to the trenches or the Holocaust.
        Thank you,
        Paul

        • You’re made of stronger stuff, I know. Do another draft and send it to me. Work on the craft.
          And anyway, you know its only my opinion. Others are bound to disagree

          • Hi Kim,

            I doubt I shall revisit this any time soon.
            Your criticism is spot on and provides plenty of food for thought should I ever have the need to revisit this scene.

            All good.

            Cheers,
            Paul

    • Well, you sly dog!! I’m looking at you with new eyes!
      A very easy entertaining read with a refreshing lack of inevitability at the end.
      The only thing that had me shaking my head was all that activity straight after a heavy meal!!!!
      So, tell me, did you enjoy writing this or was it an experimental thing to try this genre? I get the feeling that you treated this like ‘homework’ – gotta be done but your heart wasn’t in it.
      There was nothing I would change (apart from maybe waiting an hour or so before all that rumpy-pumpy (and ouch , laying back on a hard table – not that I’m speaking from experience!)
      Good use of prompt though – not the usual holiday topic.

      • 🤣🤣🤣🤣rumpy-pumpy ??!! mwahahahaha

      • Hi del,
        Oh, how perceptive. It had to be attempted, although the biggest challenge is not the writing, it’s facing criticism.
        I thought I would try, but on second thoughts, perhaps there are other genre’s I would be better investing my time.
        Thank you for the read and perception.
        Cheers,
        Paul

    • Well, that was a fun deviation from your usual genre, and I’m proud of you for giving it a go. We should all allow ourselves outside our comfort zone to try on something new and different from time to time. This was a fun read, though a bit cliche, I’m glad Peter came along to brighten Caroline’s day (and the next two weeks).

      • Hi Peggy,
        It certainly has been a deviation and not one I am eager to revisit.
        With the box ticked, I might move on.
        Thank you for the read. and encouragement, despite the cliche.
        Cheers,
        Paul

    • Hey Paul, Look I don’t know about the heady criticism. 1. I believed the story – its ok not to feel for the characters. Infidelity is not my thing so no one came out smelling rosey… 2. I laughed (at the distraction during sex from the rattling parcels)…3. I liked the feet rubbing – it was a good moment and the knickers worked too 4. I read to the end. Job done. Thanks for writing outside your comfort zone and doing it better than many. Cheers A

      • Hi Adam,

        Criticisms are always balanced.
        Perhaps other readers expected something else from my submission.
        I like your points as they suggest I achieved something.
        Thank you for the read and the encouragement.

        Cheers,
        Paul

    • I agree with Estelle! Very saucy and just what we all need for our holidays!

    • Oh Paul “applied himself to his task.” sounds so perfunctory. Give more free reign to Eros. I realize it’s an early draft, should the name of the perfume be capitalized? (maybe not if that is Dior’s way, just not one of my brands). The feel was kind of that both were using each other to get even with Tom. I’m not sure if that was your intent.

      • Hi Teresa,

        I tried, that’s all I can say and the feedback, quiet or otherwise speaks volumes.
        It’s true that both felt resentment towards Tom leading to their embrace.

        Thanks for the read and the encouragement.

        Cheers,
        Paul

    • Hey Paul, kudos for pushing the envelope. I liked the ‘liberation of Caroline’ as the key to your storyline, but spared a thought for Peter at the end, just in case he was more invested than she was. The dialogue is great, and I liked touches like the line ‘Peter nodded, extending a palm to catch raindrops.’ It would be interesting to read your revised version, after all the feedback you’ve received. All the best and I wish you and yours an awesome years-end. best regards, Seyi

      • Hi Seyi,
        I tried. I’ll have to think about it if I consider it worthy or a rewrite.
        Thank you for the read and encouragement.
        Wishing you and yours a wonderful Mery Christmas.
        Cheers,
        Paul

  • Load More

Paul J P Slater

Profile picture of Paul J P Slater

@pjps

Active 3 weeks, 4 days ago
Short Story : 0
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 0