• Geez, these two don’t get along, do they? Perhaps coming to blows in an open plan office is a bit much, or maybe Maria has an impulse control problem. This line, “The blood gushed from the severed artery and Rudolph collapsed” reads like she’s actually killed him, and I reread the previous paragraph to see how I missed the killing blow. Then it…[Read more]

  • Hi Tim. Well done with a punchy start that drops us right in the action. I loved the last line as a way to leave the first scene. Take care.

  • Hi Rachel. It was interesting to compare Clare’s perspective with that of Michael. I’m also intrigued by the shift to first person POV, which seems to set Michael up as main character, even though we meet him second. Regardless, cynical and bitter Michael is definitely interesting. Take care.

  • Good scene, Rachel. You really have us a good sense of Clare and her children. With six kids and another nobody knows about… I see trouble coming! Take care.

  • Hi Rebekah. I joined Hugo in laughing about “…burned for the safety of myself and fashion.” Nice touch. For this scene (these scenes?) you’ve done a lot of exposition, and this world your building has grown significantly. It kind of reminded me of Star Wars, where the clone wars are mentioned in an almost offhand way. Before spawning a movie and…[Read more]

  • Hi Rebekah. I enjoyed your recounting of Tessa’s trip on the bicycle – both the wonderful detail and the tone. Tessa seems like a great character to build a story on. Take care.

  • Sherry and Profile picture of CobusCobus are now friends 2 days, 18 hours ago

  • Thanks Hanna. Yes, there’s something else going on, but it does feel rushed. Maybe this is not the scene to start showing that. I’ll figure it out. Take care.

  • Hi John. Reading this scene (and last week’s) felt almost like working my way through a series of treasured photographs in all their loving detail. What impressed me most, was the way you showed Vanessa; the physical traits braided with hints to her nature. The picture it creates is warmer, emotive, and more complete. Excellent work. Take care.

  • Thank you for the read and the encouragement, Deb. I adore Minority Report, so I’m taking the mention as an endorsement 😃

  • Cobus's profile was updated 3 days, 21 hours ago

  • Oh, this was a misdemeanor. There were several felonies on my scene this week, so I’ve edited perhaps five or six times already!

  • Hi Sherry. This was another fantastic scene. I’m really starting to suspect Mama doesn’t have many redeeming traits. Poor Nixie. I wondered if Auntie Rosa agreed about the public school a little sarcastically, or maybe hoping to avoid conflict. Something about the following confused me: “I can’t afford to lose the state aid if I get caught w…[Read more]

  • Hi Sherry. I can only echo the other commenters: excellent, vivid writing. I really enjoyed the pacing and the child’s voice you wrote with. Take care.

  • Hi Megan. I only got to read your first scene today, right before the second. You are a powerhouse. I can only second all the compliments you already received. Take care.

  • A cornucopia and a Herculean knot; intriguing. I don’t think you need to add more description of Jane here, as she’s physically absent. I’m sure Jake will have ample time to check her out (ahem, observe the finer details about her appearance) during the interview. Now that I’ve read your rewrite of scene 1 (quite effective swapping the two…[Read more]

  • Thank you, I see what you mean. The Aran line is a full on he’s hop, the other one a little ambiguous. I thought I was overdoing Jay’s excitement there anyway, so I’ll see what I can do.
    About the very subtle hint: is that what it is?

  • Hi Bob. I have also found that the short story writing has prepared me well in some ways, but hobbles me in others. It’s allowed you to hone these military scenes, of which you are now in exquisite control. I enjoyed the carnage. If I have once criticism, it’s that you’re hammering on Burton’s size and strength a little too much. In three scenes,…[Read more]

  • Hi Hanri, and thanks for the incisive comments. Though the first scene didn’t explicitly mention jumps through time, I had the helicopter pilot call them “time-cops” as a hint. Of course, there was so much going on, it may understandably get lost. I absolutely agree about the sentence you highlighted, and no, Shah plays no role going forward. He’s…[Read more]

  • Hi HM, These are great scenes to follow the first one, illuminating other sides of Rebecca’s character. I’m intrigued by the striking difference in her relationship with Kirabo (who she has worked with individually and knows on a more personal level) and Crow (a pushy member of a crowd of students.) That really fits well with a characterization of…[Read more]

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