fbpx
  • But, Maria! I’m going to have to wait for the next scene, obviously. This is a fun distraction from her quandary. Good, ole Benni. They deserve each other. Interesting that Eva doesn’t seem to know what is happening Morocco… look forward to more.

  • Also sorry for lateness… I like Sarah sticking to her guns. Will see if she succeeds. Somehow I don’t think it will matter what any of these characters wants to happen – Tom will do what he wants… Enjoying the conflict building here. Well done.

  • Loved the image of “the red splat bled between them.” Very powerful. Vanessa is an interesting and puzzling character. It smells like a good dinner to me. I think Hulisani has good instincts. I’m glad she took charge. Well done.

  • Excellent continuation of conversation with the hologram. I love that she takes him to task for appearing so suddenly. Nice touch. Dog still comforting but I do wonder about him. This Mark guy is really complicating the story… nice job. She has a lot of work to do still. Can’t wait.

  • Sc. 19 – Francesca Pt. 2

     She smelled something pungent, antiseptic. She tried to open her eyes but they stayed shut. Her body ached all over. Something was hammering inside her head. A mechanical voice asked a […]

    • Hi Nancy,
      oh wow… not sure what to say… strong scene, a horrible event, a pour little child… I guess we now know where Francesca got her mettle from.

      Franny must be a main character in your book, otherwise this level of depth and characterization would be out of place. I’m guessing she is the villain we are just about to get to know. But so far, my sympathies are with Franny…

      See you next week.

      //per

    • great drama. and well written. the only thing is this is part of her backstoty snap shots from last week to give us some insight into her motives and character then maybe it is too detailed. Maybe she should remember the feelings – shame anger resilience – when we need to understand why, later in your story. None the less, the dialogue and descriptions are great.

    • Hi Nancy,
      This is a strong scene with loads of details on a highly sensitive topic. Adding to what Per said, I think you have to be careful with this topic. My scene 19 was criticized for mentioning gender based violence without linking it to the story.
      I think readers are less interested in what happened to a character and more interested in how they reacted and learned from the experience. Thus, you can make touch on the rape and rather spend more time on her reaction and subsequent character change.
      You are almost mid way. Well done! Can’t wait to see what Francesca will do in the main story.

  • Thanks for all this. Will fix POV. How amazing to do this without realizing it… I will be on the look out from now one. As I told John below, haven’t used flashbacks before so this is all new.

  • Yes, good ideas, thanks John. I haven’t tried any backstory before and feel a little awkward about it. I think I need to finish this event and then will sprinkle in more later. Will relate it to later real time events. Desperately seeking middle of the novel.

  • Sc. 18 – “Francesca’s Story Pt. I”

    Comment: Sorry for leaving you all hanging with the end of the last scene but I decided to go with this backstory for Francesca. It may appear somewhere else in a revised draft […]

    • Hi Nancy,
      Good to see you back. Wow, so much details in Francesca’s back story. You are brilliant at world building and bringing in current affairs.
      I love the components of Francesca’s backstory.
      I think you can make the story even better when you let Francesca do something in the present, like visiting a cosmetics store and then remembering parts of her past. Then it feels more relevant and the reader can connect more directly with her. Especially, the part about her mother dying when she was young. Backstories should be given in small amounts, like spice to elevate the taste of your story.
      Can’t wait for Part 2 🙂

      • Nancy replied 1 week ago

        Yes, good ideas, thanks John. I haven’t tried any backstory before and feel a little awkward about it. I think I need to finish this event and then will sprinkle in more later. Will relate it to later real time events. Desperately seeking middle of the novel.

    • Hi Nancy,
      interesting flash-backs that help build up Francesca’s character and back story. I assume all these helped her become who she is now!

      A couple of things I picked up:
      I agree with John about sprinkling the backstory / history in… could be a dream, could be something triggering a memory, etc. But as there are several, you might need to be careful when you add them in. OR your write a longer back story / flash back with all mischief Franny and Gina got up to.

      Then I had some issues with POVs:
      1st scene: You jump from present in Francesca’s POV to a future narrative and then back to present.
      1st scene: If she held onto her mom’s hand, shouldn’t she feel a tug when it is ripped away?
      2nd scene: When the guard grabs them, we are in both girls POV (they felt a hand on their shoulders…)
      3rd scene: also a transition from narrative to Franny’s POV
      4th scene: The end is Franny’s POV bu not 100% sure about the beginning.

      Looking forward to next week’s scene (oups, later this week HA HA HA)

      //Per

      • Nancy replied 1 week ago

        Thanks for all this. Will fix POV. How amazing to do this without realizing it… I will be on the look out from now one. As I told John below, haven’t used flashbacks before so this is all new.

    • Hi, Nancy. I agree with Per on the POV issues and with John about giving us the backstory in smaller doses sprinkled in the larger narrative when you work on the 2nd draft. One big chunk of backstory feels a bit out of place. Still, an interesting character development piece.

    • I think this is a nice flick througth Franceecas photo album – just picking up the low lights.
      I like the out of body – Francesca heard someone screaming.
      Great ending too what could go wrong – i assume lots.

  • Yes, you are correct, I missed a post when we were moving cross-country. Still not settled so barely posting. Hope to submit 2 scenes soon to catch up.I want to suggest that Nathan is hanging out with the mobsters but not really one of them yet. He’s young and impressed by their attitude. They are interested in him because of getting more…[Read more]

  • Thanks, John. I know the ending but still figuring out how to get there…

  • Thanks, Per. Nathan’s dad is Brendan Quigley, CEO of FreshWater, the desalinated water company. I think that Sam is going to keep pushing things with Luke until she goes too far.

  • Had same POV problem as others. Know you will fix that. Glad to see pieces falling into place. Now I’m wondering about Stuart and what he will get up to. Look forward to more.

  • I loved “income distributed housing correlated with height above sea level.” Can picture this. Tuscan-styled houses just exist everywhere! This drive and shopping experience reveal so many differences in their lives and backgrounds. You do an excellent job of showing these aspects of their relationship instead of doing an information dump. Nice…[Read more]

  • I don’t think it’s too emotional at all. After all, he is her son. Of course, she would be. Not to mention the 60-year-old Macallan. I’d get emotional over that. I am content to see Turing as a situation of a person – a very realistic one. I wondered if she has been to Bletchley Hall before and interacted with his consciousness. Whatever the back…[Read more]

  • Great suspense. Can hear readers silently yelling,”don’t go down there. Don’t go through.” You have enough details to set the scene but to still leave room for our imaginations to fill in more. No idea how she will get out of this one. More mysteries to solve. Well done.

  • Sc. 17 – Murder Weapon Found

    Samantha and Luke weren’t okay. But they were a little  better. At least the subject of her reckless behavior was on the table. It was  a start.

    Luke had already gone to work whe […]

    • Hi Nancy,
      solid scene moving the story forward in a soft pace. I assume the dark web revelations will be more prominent later on? I am still a bit surprised at how casually Sam takes Luke’s issues with her work… but that might be setting up for a major explosion later on?

      Also good to see yet another character converge on Arizona (but I must admit, I’ve forgotten who’s Nathan’s dad was…)

      //Per

      • Nancy replied 2 weeks ago

        Thanks, Per. Nathan’s dad is Brendan Quigley, CEO of FreshWater, the desalinated water company. I think that Sam is going to keep pushing things with Luke until she goes too far.

    • Hi Nancy,
      Apologies for being behind on reading your work.
      Strong scene. Lots of moving parts. Your descriptions are so vivid I can picture the scenes clearly. Well done!
      Lots of questions around the murder weapon. Can’t wait to see where this will lead. 🙂

      • Nancy replied 2 weeks ago

        Thanks, John. I know the ending but still figuring out how to get there…

    • Hi Nancy. Are you a week behind in your posts?
      There is a lot going on in this scene – but well paced.
      I thought that Nathan was more connected but maybe i misread an earlier scene.
      I do really like the conflict in Sam’s and Luke’s relationship, it adds to the tension nicely. It also sets up the fact that you can have two seperate investigations.
      Nice hint that Luca and Nathan are on their way south – towards the action.

      • Nancy replied 2 weeks ago

        Yes, you are correct, I missed a post when we were moving cross-country. Still not settled so barely posting. Hope to submit 2 scenes soon to catch up.I want to suggest that Nathan is hanging out with the mobsters but not really one of them yet. He’s young and impressed by their attitude. They are interested in him because of getting more influence in the southwest US market. Will attempt to clarify when I pick up with them again.

    • Hi, Nancy,
      I looooove how you add futuristic things like sprinkles. I love the temperature today is 115 F, I love there are solar people and water people, I love they give you relaxants on a plane. And I’m deeply suspicious of Mr. Ortega’s rapid rise to power – very suspicious.
      Sorry I was late reading your scene, I’ve fallen behind reading and writing… catching up now.

  • Per, I agree with Kali about the mismatch of Tom’s carefree character with his success with IT company etc. That can be easily remedied (easy for me to say…) I don’t know what a “cork floater” is and that got in my way a bit. Loved the shimmer/hands giving him a handkerchief when he gets weepy. Nice touch. They are so mysterious. Thanks for…[Read more]

  • All right! Great scene. The boat trip is a nice transition from the city. Loved the set up of finding the mansion still there but no way to Alan Turing consciousness. Then surprise at end. wonderful. Great last line. Can’t wait for next installment.

  • Continue to enjoy your descriptions, Tim, even the air they breathe. Especially liked “the evening sun radiated through the walls…” So many dead ends. If I were her, I would probably give up. Surely there will be a ray of light soon…

  • Nice job on showing the awkwardness of the breakfast scene through their actions and stilted conversation. I liked his thinking about plotting his relationship with Vanessa on a map. It seemed very natural in that environment. Boy, another tense weekend coming up. I wish this guy could have one friend with whom he could relax. Maybe it will be…[Read more]

  • Load More

Nancy

Profile picture of Nancy

@nancynew

Active 2 hours, 19 minutes ago
Short Story : 0
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 20
52 Scenes : 2
Flash Fiction 2022s : 0
52 Scenes Rewrites : 0
Show, don't Tell June 2022's : 0