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  • Hi Sherry!
    Wow, you nailed it with your opening line! You start off strong with your characters and their voices. You had me right in the car with the girls! I’m looking forward to reading more!

  • Great points, Graham! I’ll fix in edits. Thank you!

  • Hi Jackie,
    Thanks for reading…your suggestions are wonderful. Thank you!

  • I’m glad I came across your story, I am hooked! Your descriptions and pacing put me right in the pub with your characters. Good job on giving the readers a hint that Connor’s fiance might be more than just the perfect girl, if she (or someone) has assassins out to get him. I was curious as to how he instinctively knew they were targeting him, but…[Read more]

  • Hi Sharon!
    Your first paragraph hooked me immediately, I love the conflict in these words – “He didn’t feel in control of it, and now it was something he dreaded. His mind and body were obsessed with it, and it needed to be contained if he was going to have a life.” Great transition into his memory has a child. You took us right back to his s…[Read more]

  • Oh my goodness…this is wonderful! I felt like I was in your head feeling your process! And as a writer, your process is similar to mine…bouncing everywhere! I think you have the potential for a great story. It is a first draft, so just put it all down. Just a suggestion…I’m thinking that if Dean is without the super power, but his wife and…[Read more]

  •      The anchored ship groans with grief as its wooden hull gently rock back and forth, waves lapping up its sides as the sun starts to drop in the western sky. The two girls stand by their father, the ship’s Cap […]

    • Hi, Mary. Very touching scene. It was very well written and depicts a very sad time in the family’s life. Hoping for more joy to find them in future scenes. I think you left out a word in this phrase: “Bella, your sister down below.” Good luck to you this year on meeting the challenge of 52 in 22. Anxious to see where this story goes. Thanks again, Sharon

    • Hi Mary, Wow, what a great start! You have a very visual style that I enjoy. The children are characterized very well. It seems as though Bella will be the protagonist, but I am not sure – I am excited to learn more!
      Two comments:
      You made an interesting choice making the story in present tense. It works, but it is easy to fall into other tenses, so just be watchful for that. Especially when the setting is clearly not today’s world. For instance, when the girls go to bed, you slip into past tense for a couple of sentences.
      As a reader, I liked learning the details about the Padre’s backstory and his relationship to the girls Father. Another option to reveal these details would be to tell them later in the course of the story, as part of a dialogue or flashback sequence or something along those lines, in order to avoid the exposition paragraph, or at least minimize it. I struggle with this too. Much easier said than done!
      I look forward to the next installment. – Deb

    • Hi Mary,
      Captivating opening paragraph! Strong description and characterization. Also agree with Deb’s comments about your use of tense.
      I would love to see what the next scene holds.
      Great start to 52 Scenes!

    • Hi Mary
      I love the characters you’ve created, especially Padre Juan. The scene is touching, and does a good job of investing the reader in the characters. I agree with Deb, about the tenses. It can get tricky, but it will do wonders to be vigilant with it. This is definitely a story I will come back to. I look forward to reading more. Well done.

    • Lovely opening and captures the imagination. Im trying to picture the size of the ship and the movement of the sea. I couldnt quite determine that. I like your characters and womdered if you could give us a clue of the number of men on board and how they formed up at the funeral.. lots of ways to go on this. really enjoyed it. Graham

    • Good beginning.
      Change – Bella, (take/carry/bring) your sister down below.
      Father Padre – both mean the same thing literally read father father or padre padre.
      Gas lamp on a wooden ship if this is historical and not steam punk it would most likely be an oil lamp or candle.

    • I’m hooked and I don’t usually read historical fiction. I am a sucker for the sea, though.
      I’m interested in seeing what’s next.

    • Hi Mary, I liked reading your scene. The sadness of the mother’s death, the way Bella takes care of the sister, the father standing next to the corpse like frozen, all of that is very visual. Your style makes it easy to read. As has been mentioned before, I got confused with the “Father Padre” – I didn’t know who you meant. I think it might be good to reserve Padre for Juan and Father for the girl’s father. Wonder where the journey will take the rest of the crew!

    • Mary, Keep writing.

  • “It’s not my place to say, so forgive me for saying this” Captain Wilton’s first mate, and best friend says. The two men are standing on the outer deck checking the course of the ship against the stars. “The s […]

    • Continuing adventures. I like it. But so sad for the dad.

    • Oh so sad. I like the double sadness of feeling the loss of his wife in the looking at what she’d want done and the loss of his daughters to boarding school. You evoke a powerful amount of emotion in a tiny scene.

    • I just love it when someone says “It’s not my place to say” and then proceed to say it anyway. Very much like real life. Just as an aside – I think you need to change ‘took’ to ‘taken’ in the last sentence of the 1st paragraph. Very moving piece. Great job.

    • This is really lovely. It’s such a nice relationship that you’ve shown but you’ve also got backstory and foreshadowing all in 120 words. You’ve really hit the nail on the head here. Well done.

    • How sad; though you also illustrated the friendship well, and the pain of being a widow/single parent.

    • Great imagery Mary; I could really see your two characters on the ship’s deck. A very small word thing if you don’t mind – you don’t need the word ‘took’ in the last sentence of the first paragraph. It certainly doesn’t detract from your story though, which is realistic and well written. Loved it.

    • Great read. The imagery is quite clear and the pain, too. Thanks for sharing.

      A suggestion – the last line when the captain wipes off a tear sort of sombers down the story. Maybe you had other endings in mind too and I would love to read what were those. Given how flash fiction surprises at the end I think you can do more here. It is such a great piece. Congratulations 🙂

  • I enjoyed reading your story! The setting, your descriptions and the characters all came together nicely in such a short piece!

  • What a powerful story. Your words stirred up all kinds of emotion, and I did not see that last line coming. Nice job!

  • I read this a couple of times! There is so much here to absorb and digest. The twist at the end is gut wrenching. Well done!

  • “Her face lit blue” – love this visual! Your descriptions such as Evie’s knees cracking makes this piece come alive. Great job with the prompt!

  • “It’s not my place to say, so forgive me for saying this” Captain Wilton’s first mate, and best friend says. The two men are standing on the outer deck checking the course of the ship against the stars. “The s […]

  • A swing and a miss.

    Twice.

    The next pitch is a fastball high and outside. Ball one.

    The pitcher is locked in with his catcher, shaking off the signs, then nods slightly. A curveball over the plate and the […]

  • So much in so little words. I’m not sure if it was intended or not, but I find so much behind the words you used. Nice!

  • I love this!! I found myself getting stressed out but your words brought a smile to my face! Nice job!

  • I like the pov. It makes the piece very strong and direct. Packs quite a punch! Well done.

  • A swing and a miss.

    Twice.

    The next pitch is a fastball high and outside. Ball one.

    The pitcher is locked in with his catcher, shaking off the signs, then nods slightly. A curveball over the plate and the […]

  •      “Just in case, I’ve drawn out a blueprint of the garden,” Nana says at dinner. She spends hours daily in her victorian garden, which is organized but in a messy, topsy-turvy way. Why was Nana talking about he […]

    • A hard initiation into the adult world. Very moving. I like the idea of a garden that is organised in a topsy-turvy kind of way – my favourite kind of organisation! This is so original. Well done.

    • She likes the garden enough to try to pass its care on to others. And the cool teenager is worried about her.
      I can recognize the organized, diagramed garden. My maternal grandparents had one. My paternal grandfather had the diagram taped to the garage wall to show how the crocus were planted to spell out the last name. Of course, our garden is an undisciplined chaos of whatever was on sale when we walked by and planted wherever we had an open space.

    • You packed a lot into this one. I liked the topsy-turvy garden. Nice take on the prompt. Well done.

    • Oh, nicely done! I love the premise, and the point of view is everything for this one, a teen who lives in limbo between being a child and adult. I love Victorian gardens and wish I could manage something like that, organized but in a topsy-turvy way.

    • Aaah. so well-written. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

    • Rough initiation into the ‘big people’ table. Poor little soul. We all hope Nana lives forever!

  • “Now if only she could sort out her thoughts and make sense of her emotions”….what a great line! Your story says so much about your character in such a small space. The visual of her driving with the file cabinet in her car is so powerful. Well done!

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Mary

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@mlasher911

Active 1 year, 4 months ago
Short Story : 2
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 0
52 Scenes : 8
Flash Fiction 2022s : 0
52 Scenes Rewrites : 0
Show, don't Tell June 2022's : 0