Hi, Mary. Very touching scene. It was very well written and depicts a very sad time in the family’s life. Hoping for more joy to find them in future scenes. I think you left out a word in this phrase: “Bella, your sister down below.” Good luck to you this year on meeting the challenge of 52 in 22. Anxious to see where this story goes. Thanks again, Sharon

Hi Mary, Wow, what a great start! You have a very visual style that I enjoy. The children are characterized very well. It seems as though Bella will be the protagonist, but I am not sure – I am excited to learn more!
Two comments:
You made an interesting choice making the story in present tense. It works, but it is easy to fall into other tenses, so just be watchful for that. Especially when the setting is clearly not today’s world. For instance, when the girls go to bed, you slip into past tense for a couple of sentences.
As a reader, I liked learning the details about the Padre’s backstory and his relationship to the girls Father. Another option to reveal these details would be to tell them later in the course of the story, as part of a dialogue or flashback sequence or something along those lines, in order to avoid the exposition paragraph, or at least minimize it. I struggle with this too. Much easier said than done!
I look forward to the next installment. – Deb

Hi Mary,
Captivating opening paragraph! Strong description and characterization. Also agree with Deb’s comments about your use of tense.
I would love to see what the next scene holds.
Great start to 52 Scenes!

Hi Mary
I love the characters you’ve created, especially Padre Juan. The scene is touching, and does a good job of investing the reader in the characters. I agree with Deb, about the tenses. It can get tricky, but it will do wonders to be vigilant with it. This is definitely a story I will come back to. I look forward to reading more. Well done.

Lovely opening and captures the imagination. Im trying to picture the size of the ship and the movement of the sea. I couldnt quite determine that. I like your characters and womdered if you could give us a clue of the number of men on board and how they formed up at the funeral.. lots of ways to go on this. really enjoyed it. Graham

Good beginning.
Change – Bella, (take/carry/bring) your sister down below.
Father Padre – both mean the same thing literally read father father or padre padre.
Gas lamp on a wooden ship if this is historical and not steam punk it would most likely be an oil lamp or candle.

I’m hooked and I don’t usually read historical fiction. I am a sucker for the sea, though.
I’m interested in seeing what’s next.

Hi Mary, I liked reading your scene. The sadness of the mother’s death, the way Bella takes care of the sister, the father standing next to the corpse like frozen, all of that is very visual. Your style makes it easy to read. As has been mentioned before, I got confused with the “Father Padre” – I didn’t know who you meant. I think it might be good to reserve Padre for Juan and Father for the girl’s father. Wonder where the journey will take the rest of the crew!

Mary, Keep writing.

Continuing adventures. I like it. But so sad for the dad.

Oh so sad. I like the double sadness of feeling the loss of his wife in the looking at what she’d want done and the loss of his daughters to boarding school. You evoke a powerful amount of emotion in a tiny scene.

I just love it when someone says “It’s not my place to say” and then proceed to say it anyway. Very much like real life. Just as an aside – I think you need to change ‘took’ to ‘taken’ in the last sentence of the 1st paragraph. Very moving piece. Great job.

This is really lovely. It’s such a nice relationship that you’ve shown but you’ve also got backstory and foreshadowing all in 120 words. You’ve really hit the nail on the head here. Well done.

How sad; though you also illustrated the friendship well, and the pain of being a widow/single parent.

Great imagery Mary; I could really see your two characters on the ship’s deck. A very small word thing if you don’t mind – you don’t need the word ‘took’ in the last sentence of the first paragraph. It certainly doesn’t detract from your story though, which is realistic and well written. Loved it.

Great read. The imagery is quite clear and the pain, too. Thanks for sharing.

A suggestion – the last line when the captain wipes off a tear sort of sombers down the story. Maybe you had other endings in mind too and I would love to read what were those. Given how flash fiction surprises at the end I think you can do more here. It is such a great piece. Congratulations 🙂

Great job building the excitement in so few words!

I love the way you started it with “A swing and a miss.” And I knew what it was going to be about. You conveyed a lot in a small package. Fun read.

Hi Mary
This was such a fast pace easy read that I really enjoyed especially as I put my commentator voice on as I read it aloud. It fits beautifully with the prompt.

This may be the fastest I’ve ever seen baseball go. Nice work!

Nice!!!! Love the last line. (PS: Go Giants!)

Game over indeed! well done 🙂

A hard initiation into the adult world. Very moving. I like the idea of a garden that is organised in a topsy-turvy kind of way – my favourite kind of organisation! This is so original. Well done.

She likes the garden enough to try to pass its care on to others. And the cool teenager is worried about her.
I can recognize the organized, diagramed garden. My maternal grandparents had one. My paternal grandfather had the diagram taped to the garage wall to show how the crocus were planted to spell out the last name. Of course, our garden is an undisciplined chaos of whatever was on sale when we walked by and planted wherever we had an open space.

You packed a lot into this one. I liked the topsy-turvy garden. Nice take on the prompt. Well done.

Oh, nicely done! I love the premise, and the point of view is everything for this one, a teen who lives in limbo between being a child and adult. I love Victorian gardens and wish I could manage something like that, organized but in a topsy-turvy way.

Aaah. so well-written. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

Rough initiation into the ‘big people’ table. Poor little soul. We all hope Nana lives forever!