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  • You’ve captured a common occurrence quite well. Like so many have said, the dialogue is fantastic. A real shame when families fall apart in such fashion.

  • Poetic! Thrilling. Just goes to show the ‘it’ crowd is not all its cracked up to be. Well told, excellent suspense.

  • Oh how I can relate to a lot of this. I think a certain level of jealousy is good, I think of it as competitiveness. Nothing wrong with wanting a bit of what someone else has. I love your take on the past and future. How foolish we can be in our present, unable to see the big picture, too often we take for granted all the good things we have. That…[Read more]

  • Great story! You did a great job building suspense. I was hoping Margaret had a reason, and that we would be privy to it. I like how you had her friends complaining about how tired and exhausted they all are for taking care of their families, not caring how they are making their friend feel. From the sounds of it, they have known about her…[Read more]

  • Clever story.Sometimes we forget to appreciate what we have, despite the trials and tribulations of everyday life. I particularly liked the line; “She looks across at the kids playing, with a superficial joy and in the shadows of her face, hints of a deep longing.”

  • Thank you Alexis! And you are right, it is too often a reality.

  • Thank you for your kind words Jes! I am happy to hear I am improving on foreshadowing. I often agonize, trying to do a good job.

  • Thank you for your kind words Lenore. I’ve decided to post the first draft the last few times, I find I get better critiques. I am happy to hear you thought the story was built well.

  • Thank you for your kind words Lauren. I was worried about changing perspectives, glad it worked for you.

  • Thank you for your kind feedback Martin. I had fun with this one.

  • Jealous Of by Marta
    #

        “Hey babe! Our team just submitted our big proposal so we’re heading across the road to celebrate. Join us if you can. I’ll try not to be too late. Love you!”

        Mark listened to t […]

    • Hi Marta.

      This is a great take on the prompt, detailing how Mark’s own insecurities show up in this relationship. I’m delighted that Sam got out of there while she could.

      The pacing is great, emphasised by the way you use punchy sentences from time to time. I don’t think you need to change anything to make it even better.

      Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed how you fit the story neatly into the word count.

      Martin

    • What an ending! Your subtle hinting about the abusive nature of their marriage worked really well–you show effectively, especially the loss of Sam’s friendships and his mistreatment of Tucker. I also liked the shift in perspectives midway which added some suspense. Nicely done!

      • Thank you for your kind words Lauren. I was worried about changing perspectives, glad it worked for you.

    • It’s a good slow build. At first we see a normal suburban couple, a bit mundane. We sense Mark is discontented with his life, uneasy with his wife’s friendships. I found myself feeling sorry for Mark initially as he was left at home to eat a sad meal in front of the TV. And then Sam came home and we start to see hints of his jealous streak and my sympathy for him stopped. Then we see the depths of Mark’s abuse of Sam, and cheer when we realize she’s managed to thwart him and escape to a better life. No sympathy at all to find he has met his apparent end by the time the story finishes. A very good read and you built the story nicely, leading us step by step into this broken relationship. There are a few grammar hiccups, but as you say, first draft, so you will likely catch them when you do a rewrite.

      • Thank you for your kind words Lenore. I’ve decided to post the first draft the last few times, I find I get better critiques. I am happy to hear you thought the story was built well.

    • Hi! Wow this was an intense read. I feel bad for Samantha and poor Tucker leaving the kitchen in fear. I like this sentence you wrote the best. ” Thankfully it has shrunk significantly since they’ve been together. ” After reading this line I instantly knew this guy was bad news. Good foreshadowing too! Great read and ending 🙂

      • Thank you for your kind words Jes! I am happy to hear I am improving on foreshadowing. I often agonize, trying to do a good job.

    • Marta,
      Wow! So powerful, so crazy, so sadly realistic for many. Well done! Keep writing.

  • This came together really well! “A placid smile appeared on her face as she lived through cryptic images dancing in her head.” this line is fantastic.

  • A dark fantasy comedy. I was laughing the entire time because my daughter’s name is Emily and she was a cute and innocent child until she grew up. lol Although she’s not sinister in any way, I could definitely picture her becoming friends with a troll.

    Several folks have made great suggestions. I agree with Jane regarding the repetitiveness.

    I…[Read more]

  • Wow! That was dark and twisty. I’m curious what made Bernard stay for so long and what made him finally want to get out of the nasty trade.

    They just didn’t know they were dead yet Perhaps the line could be, “They just didn’t know it yet.” Less repetitive I think.

    If he was still alive tomorrow I would remove ‘tomorrow’, again, r…[Read more]

  • What a great adventure! The dialogue was really well done as well.

  • Thank you Astrid. Do you think I should have ended with a cliffhanger?

  • Thank you James. He most definitely should have pushed her away. 🙂 Great catch on the typo.

  • Paunch! Yes! Haha. I really should have left the ending as a cliffhanger. Thank you for your kind words and feed back.

  • Thank you. Ah yes, you are correct regarding the names being mixed up.

  • Thank you. I cheated and made the ending a happy one. Now I think I would have preferred a cliffhanger.

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Marta

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@mkliddiard

active 1 week, 1 day ago