• Excellent opening, those tall concrete prison bars. Nicely done with that… This scene was very heavy, well done for creating such a heavy and dark atmosphere. I like the support from his wife – let’s hope he can find himself or something positive out of all this.

  • Great device, a phone call. Leave you a lot of room to go over things and slow down the action a little, before whatever ending is coming. This scene sped past so fast too. Someone else said it, but it’s a great way to highlight important things and remind the reader of the stakes.
    I also like that Shiva Patel just dies in a car crash, I was…[Read more]

  • Thanks for the read. It seems this scene needs a few edits. I shall implement your suggestions. Wish I knew exactly what happens next – just have a vague idea at this stage. 😉

  • This was a good scene. Amy is really growing up, I love how you show Clarissa and Amy, she’s a good mom – like checking on her before she went downstairs in the morning.
    Clarissa’s family all played their part true to their characters. The mom should be more supportive.
    I liked the spectre of the old woman standing over everything.
    That last…[Read more]

  • There can be no stealing in this group… 😉

  • The mom’s writing could be distinct, like a letter to Faya she always treasured so read often, like a unique half heart above the letter “i”. Nice scene, little relax before the big fight. I like the whole letter idea.
    Love the idea of a treasure map so late in the story. I see what you mean now about turning this into more than a stand…[Read more]

  • Nice, don’t worry I imagined an amazing game drive. You should have seen it, leopards and two little babies laying in the shade under a rock while a troop of monkeys kept watch in the trees.
    This was a good compromise.
    I liked the conversation between Fran and Bernard, you gave it a good anchor (chandelier) to based everything off plus a l…[Read more]

  • I’m just reading through – this wasn’t here last week I don’t think – LOL. Between you and Christine you’re giving me a lot of homework. 😉

  • Just catching up. It’s a good way to zip through to the end. Good luck with your work load. 😉

  • I’m just catching up now with your story. I like the fight – you were worried about it. Felt just fine. 😉

  • Hey Jane, thanks for the read and picking out all those errors – you are correct for each one. I’m a little shocked there are so many – I don’t even know how that happened (I’m going to guess I missed a editing save or something like that. 😉 The machine magics and suspending them without a payment of gold were the early clues.
    As always – thanks…[Read more]

  • Thanks for the read and comments. You make a great point, I did have her performing a few tasks, and some of the men weren’t treating her exactly as they had been told (inappropriate jokes, etc..), but I did run out of words. So chop, chop, chop. 😉

  • Thanks for the read. So many of these stories could grow into something more… 😉

  • This was great, this mayor is such a conniving arse that I was rooting for the witch the whole time. No matter her evil ways. Her ‘last words’ were perfectly delivered. Especially about helping more towns folks than he ever would/could. Nice bit of justice at the end and I have to say, excellent use of the prompt. 🙂

  • Of course, silly me. 😉 It’s right there. In the name.

  • The triplet’s point of view was great, tears being reabsorbed and them saving her from hitting the ground. Also liked the way you referred to them as a ‘we’. It’s been a rather interesting journey through this story – I wonder what you’re going to do with it – revise, add more to it. So many options.
    That was fun, and I wish you well for 2022…[Read more]

  • Now that I have a little more understanding from last month this continuation makes a lot more sense. I still like the writing style, little abstract, metaphors and plenty symbolism to boot. One of the other readers mentioned that Anime movie. It’s interesting when I think about that style of visual story telling I think it could fit with some of…[Read more]

  • Good grief, I’m exhausted. LOL. I think I understood it, and I’ll never look at a list the same way again. 😉

  • Well told story, you’re right about the sombre tone, but it’s a nice way to highlight the kind of trouble many children go through. I like the link between the mother and the tree. I am wondering what that representation was, their barren existence (poor), her depression over something, or perhaps another vice?
    This was good – it’s the second…[Read more]

  • What a lovely story, perfect as a modern fairy-tale, you could even add a few fantastical elements and turn Jimmy into a wizard in training.
    I did like the highs and lows as the story progressed ending on the positive.
    Nice job with this.

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Michael

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@michael

Active 3 hours, 15 minutes ago
Short Story : 12
Poetry : 0
WTC : 0
52 Scenes : 48
Dialogue : 0
Flash Fiction : 0