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  • maria delaney posted a new activity comment 4 months, 1 week ago

    You can say that again!!!

  • You got me! Tears everywhere. I had to stop reading for a little while. Beautiful!

  • Thank you. I worked hard on it.

  • Oh Shoot!!! I’m looking at 6/52. Yes Eva I did submit this before! Sorry. RRRRRRR

  • This should have come first. But no it’s not a resubmit. I have to be more careful!

  • Your 8 of 52 has been emailed to you. Great chapter!

  • I sent your critique via email

  • I sent your critque via email

  • I sent an email with my edits.

  • The America Museum of Natural History, Upper West Side, NYC 2022 

     

    *Sizzle leans over the front desk of the America Museum of Natural History and speaks to the top of a woman’s head. “He […]

  • I’m sending your critiques via email.

  • “How? Tell me how you did this *Freckle?” *Sizzle asks. “Where did you get the spell?”

             “I called upon the island Grimoire, gathered other magicians. The book practically opened to the page itself. It w […]

    • Hi Maria,

      This story is so much fun. The world you are building is intriguing, fascinating, and believable.

      I had a couple of minor issues in this scene: First off, let me say that the line about forgetting his name, “Always with the Pimple, Blemish, etc.,” was laugh out loud funny.

      The issue for me is the introduction of Leo, the guard, into the presence of the body. You go from telling Freckle to go get Leo at the front gate, to having Leo in the room and wrapping the body in a sheet. It could benefit from a smoother transition.

      The other thing that took me out of the story is the tenses. You are writing in the present tense, but occasionally skip out of it. A close reading of the following lines will show you bouncing from past to current to past.

      I put some in BOLD to help see them. and to highlight some syntax issues.

         “Freckle get *Leo at the front gate, I’m going to need help with the body.”  

      “The guard that can’t get my name right. Always with the, Pimple, Blemish etc.”

      “Stop. I have no time for this.”

                 Freckle reassessed the room and viewed Reign crumpled in Luca’s arms sobbing.
                 “She is dead.”
                 “Dead.” The magic man gasped. “How? When?”
                 “It must have happened sometime in the night. Freckle. Try to be discreet. I don’t want that garden fairy, what’s her name, caring for *Wynn to know what’s going on. She is sure to tell the *sister witches.”
                 Leo wrapped the body in the bedsheet it lie in. “Where are we going your Royal Highness?”
                 “Molly Garden, for now Leo. I need this to be as discreet as possible.”

      Luca’s mind jumps back into the present. He was home now. After letting himself into the apartment he washes his face and changes for bed. Powder’s death has been run over and over in his head a thousand times. Tonight is not going to be any different. He had to get some rest. Tomorrow a man his desk clerk *CiCi introduced to him is bringing pirate artifacts. He can’t remember where CiCi said she knows this guy. It didn’t matter, all Luca needs is a clear head to assess the authenticity of the pieces.

      I really like this story and I look forward to reading more.

      Thanks for sharing.

    • I’m sending your critiques via email.

    • Hi Maria, there’s a lot going on in this scene, some of it a bit confusing, but fixable. I agree with Bob as to the problems with tense changes and the sudden appearance of Leo. I also thought the fairies were tiny creatures but here the dead body of Powder seems to be as large as (and heavy) as a human body. For the longest time I couldn’t understand the difference between Freckle and Sizzle, but I finally got the hierarchy in this scene: there are magicians (created by alchemists?) like Freckle and wizards like Sizzle. Right? I am still waiting for an explanation why the women were sent to the sea but I am sure it will come in time. Very curious about the continuation of this tale. Thanks for sharing

  • Love ya, Angelique!!!!

  • Hi Eva-Maria

    Can you give me your email address? I’m so happy Mia matched us! I want to give you a full critique.

  • I need your email. I did a full critique and I want to send the piece to you.

  • The America Museum of Natural History, Upper West Side, NYC 2022 

    Sizzle leans over the front desk of the America Museum of Natural History and speaks to the top of a woman’s head. “H […]

    • Oooo… I’m not sure I can wait to see what happens next! I’m loving the interaction between them.

    • Bob replied 6 months ago

      Hi Maria,

      There’s a lot going on, but you have a firm grip on the reins and you’re keeping the stagecoach on the road. No easy task.

      I like the camaraderie laced with tension. The undercurrents of mistrust and simmering violence keep an edge to the narrative that works well.

      The scene ends with a threat and some violent action, (you know how I love that stuff, lol), and it sets up the next scene in fine order.

      I saw a couple of editing issues, like we all have in our first drafts, but nothing that took me out of the story.

      Thanks for sharing. See you next week.

    • The American Museum of Natural History is such a great place for someone that lived 750 years ago. You set up the scene very well, great descriptions, and dialogue, you’re good at showing without telling. Where’d the guy with violet eyes go? I can’t wait to see what happens next and how will the women feel when they return from the water.

    • Such an intricate storyline with great characters! Nice details and world building.

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